Wednesday, July 28, 2010

i miss you
so damned much
it's almost
painful, even
to breathe
you are somewhat
my air now
i take you in
and try as
hard as i
can to not
let you out

i reach out
to you
even in my
dreams
i long to
hold you
taste your skin
smell your
now familiar
scent that
penetrates me
and stays
with me,
accompanies me
until i can
touch you again

no you are
not a routine
my being with
you would
never be
just a habit
everytime i'm
close to you
it is a new
experience
i'll never grow
tired of

please hurry home
my lips beg
for yours
my arms are
empty without
you here

love, hurry home

Thursday, July 22, 2010



tiny kisses
on my forehead,
my shoulder,
planted on my
smooth cheek
when you
touch my face,
a slow caress
like i would
break, as if
i'm fragile. . .

when you
wake up
in the middle
of the night
and automatically
reach out
for me,
when you
hold me close
like you'd
never want to
let go of me,
when you seek
my warmth
the way i
search for yours. . .

when you
wipe the sweat
off my brows,
and remind me
to always, always
bring a towel,
when you
panic when
i'm being a
a total klutz. . .

some of the
little things
that make me
love you more

funny, i thought
i already love
you too much,
you just went
ahead and showed
me i'm still
capable of more

Monday, July 19, 2010

stick and stones may hurt my bones
but words will never hurt me. . .

it's a childhood chant. taught by my teachers so that we could probably develop a thicker skin, lesser propensity to feel emotional pain, to brush off insults or anything demeaning more quickly. i never learned the trick. i never lived by this.

i have hurt more than my share of people, close to me or not because of my defensiveness, my quick tongue. i can beat people up with a few choice words. i get angry so fast, i blow up way too early, when i do i send out a barrage of curses or take to name calling or just plain mockery. i become careless, thoughtless, they hurt me i have to retaliate. i can apologize later anyway right?

wrong.

and i learned it the hard way. i have lost way too many people because i said things i did not even mean. those that i did manage to save, my relationship with them was never ever the same again.

i am a master of words, or at least i'd like to think that i am. i can use them to woo, to show my sincerity, i can string up sentences to let people know i'm happy, it has always been easy for me to convey what i feel when i write or talk, gift of glib alright. i can use it as a weapon too, though. since i know what people would love to hear, i also am very familiar with what would anger them, cause them to stir. i can cut them with my words and make the wounds deep. i know what to target, i know what to avoid. i'm a mercenary, at least i was.

until i realized that it's not just a game.

that what i say or write affects some people too much. that i can break them apart. that i can destroy their belief in themselves. that i could kill their self esteem. that each word i speak can act as lashes that leave welts.

they say those who live by the sword, dies by the sword. i say those who live by words, can die by them too. i know first hand how it feels to be made mincemeat through phrases carelessly thrown at me. it is not a pretty feeling, not at all.

so i stopped.

now i never speak when i'm angry or hurt or both. not when i'm frustrated or confused or both. not when emotions are running high and thoughtfulness too low. i wait.

till i can think again. till i am reasonable again. when i have cooled down and i am sure that what i will say or write i really mean. i do not wanna say anything i can't take back, i'd rather stay silent.

maybe it's foolish. but then again, maybe that makes me wise.

stick and stones, they hurt my bones
but words, they pierce through my soul. . .

Sunday, July 18, 2010

too much to do
too little time
sometimes all
you need is
a moment to
breathe, converse
with your self,
focus, push all
your fears aside
jump in. . .

let go. . .

a little bit
of clarity
a small dose
of sunshine
coming out
of the cracks
a little bit
of hope
a tiny ounce
of freedom,

shout, scream
if you must,
let the tears
freely flow
let it flood
your sorrows,
maybe after all's
been said and
done, you'll
be almost human again. . .

feeling everything again,
i know how
much you would
love to just
be numb, it's easier,
no pain, no more hurting

no more joy either,
just going
through the motion
you might make
it through
but what will
you have to
show for it?

an empty shell,
just a shadow
of what you
could've been
you deserve more
than that, i
know you do

so just
take your time,
sort things out
like i said
i won't be
going anywhere
i'm just here
go on and breathe

Saturday, July 17, 2010



i love you. . .

waiting.
i hear nothing.
maybe i whispered
too low,

i say it again,
i hug you,
i hold you close
you held me back
i can hear
your heartbeat
i can smell
your hair,
still the same
as it smelled
before, as far
as i know, everything's
familiar, yet
i felt something shift. . .

i kissed your
forehead, something
i have done at least
a thousand times
i say it again,
i just felt you sigh. . .

maybe you were
just tired,
maybe it was
stress, anxiety,
i do not really know
my eyes are heavy
with unshed tears
but i just brush
them off, i do
not want to
force you just
cause you saw
me breaking

maybe soon
i'll hear it again
it's okay, i still
will keep saying it
'cause i really, really do

i love you.

happy 17th

Monday, July 12, 2010

where do you
go when you
very quietly
drift off?

when i look
at you and
you turn away
from me, whose
eyes are you
searching for?

when you sigh
deeply and you
get subtly distracted,
where do your
thoughts wander?

sometimes you
look so alone
even when we
are together

i am almost
tempted to
pull away a
bit, give you
a slight distance
see if you'll
notice that
there is a
space starting
to form between us,
but i'm afraid
you might
not bridge the gap
and just let
yourself fly off. . .

so i reach
out for you,
hold your hand
in mine, force
you to look at me
and see only me,
remind you
that i'm here
now, you can
let some of the
worries out,

i'm staying okay?
please do not do the leaving


Friday, July 9, 2010

i love
your neck,
slender, smooth
i rain kisses
all over
your nape,
the side of
your lovely face,
your earlobes,
don't twitch
hold very still. . .

your chest
heaves, as if
inviting me
to touch you
there, you do
not have to
ask twice
i'm there
i'll cup both
of them, and
run my palms
across each
rosy bead
while you close
your eyes
and start to
lose what
little composure
you still have. . .

i'll inch lower,
teasing, your
hair is coarser,
still, lower,
you are starting
to get damp,
i moisten my
lips, they suddenly
went all too dry,
you move towards
my hand, a silent
indication that
you want me
to go further,
i splay my
fingers taunting,
teasing, gently,
at first, but
you want it
rough, hard,
spread for me,
i'm in. . .

one,
just to test
how much you
can take,
two, then i
make small circles
i move with
the deftness
of a pianist
perhaps, purposely,
you breathe a
bit more heavily,
you want me deeper?

beg. . .

i'll take them
out, just so
i can see the
furrows on your
brow, the slight
disappointment
you missed me?
i'm in again
faster, as far
in as i could
possibly go,
harder, harder,
move with me,
the rhythm ageless,
you have never
looked more
beautiful than
when you are
struggling to
regain control,
sorry love, i
am the boss here

do not turn
away, i wanna
watch you
shatter, don't say
damn or shit
or oh god,
scream my name
instead, yeah,
that's it, louder
i won't stop,
just let it
all go, pure
abandon, you writhe,
quiver, trying to
grab a hold of
anything, the sheets,
my hand, my hair,
it's time, you
are so close
give in, yes love,
that's it. . .

you're still shaking,
let's do it again?

Wednesday, July 7, 2010



i'm torn. . .

between wanting
your tears
to be for me
and being
thankful i
did not
cause them

only, in a
way i am
also to
blame for
them flowing
steadily, bursting
unexpectedly
you asked
when it will stop
i have no
clue love,
i am as
helpless as you

i can only hope. . .

that soon enough
there would
be no need
for you
to silently weep
that the smallest
details would
cease to affect
you too much
that the dam
would be empty
that in the
after glow
you would find
just solace
and not loneliness

time, please
be the ally
that you claim
you are,
let the bleeding

stop.

saflovesu
09335399933

Monday, July 5, 2010

i call you love
because you are
my definition of it. . .

passion. . .
i thought i
have mastered this,
i have this
in abundance
but only
till i met you
have i realized
how much of
it i am capable
of feeling,
of giving,
my capacity
for it is vast,
you made me
see that it
is not just
that, it's actually endless

obsession. . .
i have always
had the affinity
to get fixated with
a thought, an object,
an act
you are the
first person who
gave me such
an irresistible
impulse to keep
holding on to,
i follow every move,
i study every gesture
i memorize
even your scent

someone i
probably can't
live without. . .
i might survive
if i someday
lose you, i
would continue
existing, but i
don't think
i'll live, as much
as i would
be living had
you remained
right here with me
everything would
go on as it
did before
only i would
notice the difference,
and that, i guess
is what would
kill my thirst
for life

lunacy. . .
you smile
and i am almost
at the edge
of madness
and while i
love you insanely,
you are as
crazy about me
(do not oppose
this statement, whatever
you do hahahaha)

ain't love grand?
=)

Sunday, July 4, 2010

i can only
watch as the
sobs tear
you apart,

i can only
look on
as your
tears, angry,
confused, scared,
sad, regretful,
fall down
their familiar path
i try to
wipe some of
them dry but
you never seem
to run out of them

tell me
your worries,
i'll try to
appease them
show me
where you hurt
most, i'll do
what i can to
soothe them, if i can
give me some
of your pain,
that yours
would somehow lessen. . .

we will always
have these moments,
when having just me
may not seem enough

just tell me when they come
and i will remind you
why i am all that you need
and i'll tell you again
why you are more than
i have ever hoped for,
more than what i thought
i wanted. . .
it comes in waves. . .
the sadness,
the loneliness
the tears

i understand
that it never
really goes away,
the pain,
the longing,
the hope that
someday all will
be forgiven
and some semblance
of what used
to be would resurface. . .

it never really ends. . .

it just stays
hidden, underneath
all the new,
behind all the
recent, your past
would always
be, just around
your mind somewhere

i wish i could
erase everything
that haunts you. . .

if only i can
chase them all away
or make them disappear
just for a little while

i'm sorry i can't do more,
i can only hold you
so that the waves
won't carry you, or me away

hold on to me love,
tightly, firmly

Thursday, July 1, 2010



the airconditioning
is on high
but i don't
feel the cold

darkness surrounds us
i can only sense
bits and pieces
of you, yet i
continue to carefully
watch your face
as your mood
shifts from time to time

i listen to
the sound of
your breathing,
i let my eyes
wander to your
chest as i
view it's rise and fall
the rhythm steady
as opposed to
that of my
heart which has
grown more erratic
as of late

i wanna touch
you where the
moonlight falls
on your cheek
but i hate to
bother you
in slumber, you
look like a child,
the usual worry
lines are smooth now,
peaceful, relaxed. . .
safe, you can
rest easy love,

in sleep no one judges you,
in sleep there is no more
pain, no tears, no guilt

i'll look on,
i'll be your sentinel