daydream believer

2011-07-14T23:18:00.000-07:00

each time you say

that you regret leaving

when you did

you stick a knife

right through my heart

each tear you cry

are droplets of

my blood gushing

out of my veins

crippling me

you mourn what you lost

so much that i wonder

if you gained anything

at all when youchose me. . .

you tell me over and over

that you love me,

and i believe you

each and every time,

i just wonder if you would ever

love me as much

as you loved, scratch that,

still love her?

i knew i would

never be able

to compete with her,

i never intended to. . .

i shouldn't have to. . .

she's in the past

yes, colorful, loving,

wonderful and all the

damned superlatives

but then again,

she's in the past. . .

i am your now

i would love to

be your future too

but your feet are still

stuck in what was

you say you regret

all that you used to have

will you feel the same pang

for what you might lose again?

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2011-02-13T19:28:00.000-08:00

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2010-11-22T23:25:00.000-08:00

i knew it would

be the best feeling. . .

waking up right

next to you

watching your slow

smile creeping up

reaching your eyes

your warmth pushing

away the coldness,

warmer than my sheets

your scent, i miss it

all the damn time

fills my head, i smell

your hair, your neck

my finger follows

a trail, a map

of your features

i trace your face

i, very subtly linger

like i can't believe

you are really there

so i have to feel

every bit of you

to make sure i'm

not in a dream

you are right there

i hug you and

you don't disappear

into thin air

you just hold

me right back

did i ever tell you

that i love mornings?

especially now that

i get to start each day

with you laying in my arms. . .

2010-09-21T11:17:00.000-07:00

you used to

remind me to

never hold your

hand in public,

never kiss, hug,

stand too close

i couldn't help

but wonder if

you just didn't

want to be seen

next to me,

you were always

ever so cautious. . .

i forget from

time to time,

i grab your arm

let my hand slide down

till i am grasping yours

hoping you would not

notice anymore,

i steal kisses, in

dark corridors,

i hold on to you

a tiny bit longer

than i should

i tuck your hair,

touch your face

as often as i could

i figured you'd

get used to it

pretty soon (another tactic eh? hehehe)

sometimes you fail

to notice

that i'm doing

what you specifically told

me not to

but most of the

time you still

manage to remember

i just grow

quiet when you do that. . .

i never saw you

smile wider than

you did tonight

you ran, no, flew

in to my arms

and held me tightly,

in front of everyone else

please never tire

of loving me back,

i'm worth it,

you'll see

2010-09-15T07:59:00.000-07:00

like i said before, i envy her.
i will always do.
all that i missed, all i'm still missing.
she will always be there, i know that for a fact.
i have prepared for that, i have conditioned myself
for the fight that was ahead, i just hoped it would not be a never ending one.

well it just might be. . .

i hate battles.
strong as i may seem, inside i'm really weak.
i cringe at the drop of a hat.
you even likened me to a baby,
all soft and sensitive, maybe i am.

i can't compete with a memory.
i have been trying for the past 4 months,
sadly, it had been futile
i pick myself up, breathe deeply, suck it in
as hard as it may be, losing you is not an option.
i soldier on.
i look at you and nothing else matters. . .

you try all you can too
i see how much effort you put into it
you hold it all in
and try not to let me know
how she still haunts you
but i can tell
the slightest movement, the deep sighs,
the far away looks
the shift in moods. . .

you say she's everywhere.
well if she is, then where am i?
she was your everything,
i only want to be a little piece of you
a tiny bit, is it too much to ask?

i am not belittling all you've done,
i am belittling what i have
after all's said and done
i'm still here
waiting in the wings
wondering when my time will finally be up

she ends where i start,
she hasn't ended, how will i start?
when can i start?

like you, i am hoping it will be soon too.
soon.

2010-09-15T01:22:00.000-07:00

it's all too new

for you and for me

i know i would

sometimes fumble

my mistakes would

hurt you, unintentionally, of course

and sometimes normal

words might turn harsh

i'll try and shrug

them all off

as long as i can

as long as i need to

in a perfect world

a kiss, a hug

a tiny act of

kindness, disregarded pride,

the proverbial

looking the other way,

would magically wash

away all the pain

melt all of the sadness

cure every ache. . .

but i am flawed,

you are not a saint

we are but two

broken individuals

grasping at each other

to complete our missing parts,

i was always certain

that i hold what

you always sought

i still might,

but then again

i might not. . .

and you would've just

squandered both time

and energy holding on to me. . .

i sincerely hope

that it won't be the case

when i lay in silence

i wish as hard

as i possibly can

that i could, in

some way be all

that you truly need

i am an expert

at falling short,

for once i would

like to think i

can be enough

maybe this time i would. . .

2010-08-18T01:41:00.000-07:00

love,

told you birthdays are the loneliest times of the year. . .

and i knew you tried
to be happy,
to have fun,
to forget what it is
that makes you bleed,
keeps you up at night sometimes,
for a few hours you made a huge effort
to conceal that it was killing you too. . .

i felt the tears,
even before i saw them
running down your soft cheeks,
i heard them coming,
the crack in your voice, the stilted breathing,
the heavy sighs. . .

it's your first. . .

for five straight years all holidays were spent with her,
and i know that at the back of your mind
you would always wish she were here too,
she was your life, your best friend, your partner in crime
i would never replace her
i have said so countless of times
she would always stay hidden
tucked away in a very special place,
it's okay, i understand

i just wish
that you never hope
she were here instead of me. . .

it's alright love,
we'll make new memories
no worries
i love you to pieces. . .

happy birthday.

2010-08-12T23:28:00.000-07:00

Its joy, its ecstasy, its truth its destiny
And even love is not enough
To tell you how you make me feel
Theres only one word for this, it's. . .

bliss. . .

and i was
so sure i
would never
find it again

was always
certain i would
forever have
it dangled in front
of me like
a bait, a lure
of some sort
one that when
i bravely sink
my teeth into
either disappears
or worse,
takes me for a ride
and then
drops me, all
bloodied, gasping
for air,

tricked again
into believing
that it's
the real thing
i crave it too
much that a tiny
glimpse, a promise
however fleeting
makes me jump
in, head first

i almost drowned the last time. . .

you are my
unexpected ray
of sunshine
(believe me, you are)
i could run
again, free
freefall because
i know you'd
catch me,
hold me in
your arms as
tightly as you can,
let no one
harm me

you make me
happy
sorry if i
sometimes fail
to tell you
that you do

please swear
you won't stop, love
come fly away with me. . .

2010-08-04T21:36:00.000-07:00

All you want
Is right here in this room
All you want
And all you need
Is sitting here with you. . .

sometimes life,
and all its
craziness overwhelms you,
it swallows you,
pulls you down
till all you
see is oblivion
free falling
into a box
with no windows,
no way out. . .

your heart pounds
you start to
panic, the worries
are not just
creeping now,
they're running
after you, way
faster than you
steady, steady
don't fall down
they will bury you
once they catch up. . .

fear is threatening
to overpower you
yet again,
you're losing your
grip, it used to
be so firm,
you're slipping,
drowning. . .

breathe. . .

when everything
is moving
all too fast
and all you
can think of
is bolting,
or staying in
place, dwelling,
i keep asking
you to just
breathe. . .

and think of me

i hope i will make
you as strong as
you are making me,
everytime i see you
there's no more room
for doubts, or fears,
the worries fall away
i am invincible. . .

do my trick, just think of me
and remember that i am
always, always on your side

2010-07-28T03:58:00.000-07:00

i miss you

so damned much

it's almost

painful, even

to breathe

you are somewhat

my air now

i take you in

and try as

hard as i

can to not

let you out

i reach out

to you

even in my

dreams

i long to

hold you

taste your skin

smell your

now familiar

scent that

penetrates me

and stays

with me,

accompanies me

until i can

touch you again

no you are

not a routine

my being with

you would

never be

just a habit

everytime i'm

close to you

it is a new

experience

i'll never grow

tired of

please hurry home

my lips beg

for yours

my arms are

empty without

you here

love, hurry home

2010-07-22T07:09:00.000-07:00

tiny kisses
on my forehead,
my shoulder,
planted on my
smooth cheek
when you
touch my face,
a slow caress
like i would
break, as if
i'm fragile. . .

when you
wake up
in the middle
of the night
and automatically
reach out
for me,
when you
hold me close
like you'd
never want to
let go of me,
when you seek
my warmth
the way i
search for yours. . .

when you
wipe the sweat
off my brows,
and remind me
to always, always
bring a towel,
when you
panic when
i'm being a
a total klutz. . .

some of the
little things
that make me
love you more

funny, i thought
i already love
you too much,
you just went
ahead and showed
me i'm still
capable of more

2010-07-19T10:56:00.000-07:00

stick and stones may hurt my bones
but words will never hurt me. . .

it's a childhood chant. taught by my teachers so that we could probably develop a thicker skin, lesser propensity to feel emotional pain, to brush off insults or anything demeaning more quickly. i never learned the trick. i never lived by this.

i have hurt more than my share of people, close to me or not because of my defensiveness, my quick tongue. i can beat people up with a few choice words. i get angry so fast, i blow up way too early, when i do i send out a barrage of curses or take to name calling or just plain mockery. i become careless, thoughtless, they hurt me i have to retaliate. i can apologize later anyway right?

wrong.

and i learned it the hard way. i have lost way too many people because i said things i did not even mean. those that i did manage to save, my relationship with them was never ever the same again.

i am a master of words, or at least i'd like to think that i am. i can use them to woo, to show my sincerity, i can string up sentences to let people know i'm happy, it has always been easy for me to convey what i feel when i write or talk, gift of glib alright. i can use it as a weapon too, though. since i know what people would love to hear, i also am very familiar with what would anger them, cause them to stir. i can cut them with my words and make the wounds deep. i know what to target, i know what to avoid. i'm a mercenary, at least i was.

until i realized that it's not just a game.

that what i say or write affects some people too much. that i can break them apart. that i can destroy their belief in themselves. that i could kill their self esteem. that each word i speak can act as lashes that leave welts.

they say those who live by the sword, dies by the sword. i say those who live by words, can die by them too. i know first hand how it feels to be made mincemeat through phrases carelessly thrown at me. it is not a pretty feeling, not at all.

so i stopped.

now i never speak when i'm angry or hurt or both. not when i'm frustrated or confused or both. not when emotions are running high and thoughtfulness too low. i wait.

till i can think again. till i am reasonable again. when i have cooled down and i am sure that what i will say or write i really mean. i do not wanna say anything i can't take back, i'd rather stay silent.

maybe it's foolish. but then again, maybe that makes me wise.

stick and stones, they hurt my bones
but words, they pierce through my soul. . .

2010-07-18T21:41:00.001-07:00

too much to do
too little time
sometimes all
you need is
a moment to
breathe, converse
with your self,
focus, push all
your fears aside
jump in. . .

let go. . .

a little bit
of clarity
a small dose
of sunshine
coming out
of the cracks
a little bit
of hope
a tiny ounce
of freedom,

shout, scream
if you must,
let the tears
freely flow
let it flood
your sorrows,
maybe after all's
been said and
done, you'll
be almost human again. . .

feeling everything again,
i know how
much you would
love to just
be numb, it's easier,
no pain, no more hurting

no more joy either,
just going
through the motion
you might make
it through
but what will
you have to
show for it?

an empty shell,
just a shadow
of what you
could've been
you deserve more
than that, i
know you do

so just
take your time,
sort things out
like i said
i won't be
going anywhere
i'm just here
go on and breathe

2010-07-17T09:32:00.000-07:00

i love you. . .

waiting.
i hear nothing.
maybe i whispered
too low,

i say it again,
i hug you,
i hold you close
you held me back
i can hear
your heartbeat
i can smell
your hair,
still the same
as it smelled
before, as far
as i know, everything's
familiar, yet
i felt something shift. . .

i kissed your
forehead, something
i have done at least
a thousand times
i say it again,
i just felt you sigh. . .

maybe you were
just tired,
maybe it was
stress, anxiety,
i do not really know
my eyes are heavy
with unshed tears
but i just brush
them off, i do
not want to
force you just
cause you saw
me breaking

maybe soon
i'll hear it again
it's okay, i still
will keep saying it
'cause i really, really do

i love you.

happy 17th

2010-07-12T19:08:00.000-07:00

where do you

go when you

very quietly

drift off?

when i look

at you and

you turn away

from me, whose

eyes are you

searching for?

when you sigh

deeply and you

get subtly distracted,

where do your

thoughts wander?

sometimes you

look so alone

even when we

are together

i am almost

tempted to

pull away a

bit, give you

a slight distance

see if you'll

notice that

there is a

space starting

to form between us,

but i'm afraid

you might

not bridge the gap

and just let

yourself fly off. . .

so i reach

out for you,

hold your hand

in mine, force

you to look at me

and see only me,

remind you

that i'm here

now, you can

let some of the

worries out,

i'm staying okay?

please do not do the leaving

2010-07-09T01:34:00.000-07:00

i love
your neck,
slender, smooth
i rain kisses
all over
your nape,
the side of
your lovely face,
your earlobes,
don't twitch
hold very still. . .

your chest
heaves, as if
inviting me
to touch you
there, you do
not have to
ask twice
i'm there
i'll cup both
of them, and
run my palms
across each
rosy bead
while you close
your eyes
and start to
lose what
little composure
you still have. . .

i'll inch lower,
teasing, your
hair is coarser,
still, lower,
you are starting
to get damp,
i moisten my
lips, they suddenly
went all too dry,
you move towards
my hand, a silent
indication that
you want me
to go further,
i splay my
fingers taunting,
teasing, gently,
at first, but
you want it
rough, hard,
spread for me,
i'm in. . .

one,
just to test
how much you
can take,
two, then i
make small circles
i move with
the deftness
of a pianist
perhaps, purposely,
you breathe a
bit more heavily,
you want me deeper?

beg. . .

i'll take them
out, just so
i can see the
furrows on your
brow, the slight
disappointment
you missed me?
i'm in again
faster, as far
in as i could
possibly go,
harder, harder,
move with me,
the rhythm ageless,
you have never
looked more
beautiful than
when you are
struggling to
regain control,
sorry love, i
am the boss here

do not turn
away, i wanna
watch you
shatter, don't say
damn or shit
or oh god,
scream my name
instead, yeah,
that's it, louder
i won't stop,
just let it
all go, pure
abandon, you writhe,
quiver, trying to
grab a hold of
anything, the sheets,
my hand, my hair,
it's time, you
are so close
give in, yes love,
that's it. . .

you're still shaking,
let's do it again?

2010-07-07T03:18:00.001-07:00

i'm torn. . .

between wanting
your tears
to be for me
and being
thankful i
did not
cause them

only, in a
way i am
also to
blame for
them flowing
steadily, bursting
unexpectedly
you asked
when it will stop
i have no
clue love,
i am as
helpless as you

i can only hope. . .

that soon enough
there would
be no need
for you
to silently weep
that the smallest
details would
cease to affect
you too much
that the dam
would be empty
that in the
after glow
you would find
just solace
and not loneliness

time, please
be the ally
that you claim
you are,
let the bleeding

stop.

saflovesu

09335399933

2010-07-05T22:30:00.001-07:00

i call you love
because you are
my definition of it. . .

passion. . .
i thought i
have mastered this,
i have this
in abundance
but only
till i met you
have i realized
how much of
it i am capable
of feeling,
of giving,
my capacity
for it is vast,
you made me
see that it
is not just
that, it's actually endless

obsession. . .
i have always
had the affinity
to get fixated with
a thought, an object,
an act
you are the
first person who
gave me such
an irresistible
impulse to keep
holding on to,
i follow every move,
i study every gesture
i memorize
even your scent

someone i
probably can't
live without. . .
i might survive
if i someday
lose you, i
would continue
existing, but i
don't think
i'll live, as much
as i would
be living had
you remained
right here with me
everything would
go on as it
did before
only i would
notice the difference,
and that, i guess
is what would
kill my thirst
for life

lunacy. . .
you smile
and i am almost
at the edge
of madness
and while i
love you insanely,
you are as
crazy about me
(do not oppose
this statement, whatever
you do hahahaha)

ain't love grand?
=)

2010-07-04T21:46:00.000-07:00

i can only
watch as the
sobs tear
you apart,

i can only
look on
as your
tears, angry,
confused, scared,
sad, regretful,
fall down
their familiar path
i try to
wipe some of
them dry but
you never seem
to run out of them

tell me
your worries,
i'll try to
appease them
show me
where you hurt
most, i'll do
what i can to
soothe them, if i can
give me some
of your pain,
that yours
would somehow lessen. . .

we will always
have these moments,
when having just me
may not seem enough

just tell me when they come
and i will remind you
why i am all that you need
and i'll tell you again
why you are more than
i have ever hoped for,
more than what i thought
i wanted. . .

2010-07-04T05:46:00.000-07:00

it comes in waves. . .
the sadness,
the loneliness
the tears

i understand
that it never
really goes away,
the pain,
the longing,
the hope that
someday all will
be forgiven
and some semblance
of what used
to be would resurface. . .

it never really ends. . .

it just stays
hidden, underneath
all the new,
behind all the
recent, your past
would always
be, just around
your mind somewhere

i wish i could
erase everything
that haunts you. . .

if only i can
chase them all away
or make them disappear
just for a little while

i'm sorry i can't do more,
i can only hold you
so that the waves
won't carry you, or me away

hold on to me love,
tightly, firmly

2010-07-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

the airconditioning
is on high
but i don't
feel the cold

darkness surrounds us
i can only sense
bits and pieces
of you, yet i
continue to carefully
watch your face
as your mood
shifts from time to time

i listen to
the sound of
your breathing,
i let my eyes
wander to your
chest as i
view it's rise and fall
the rhythm steady
as opposed to
that of my
heart which has
grown more erratic
as of late

i wanna touch
you where the
moonlight falls
on your cheek
but i hate to
bother you
in slumber, you
look like a child,
the usual worry
lines are smooth now,
peaceful, relaxed. . .
safe, you can
rest easy love,

in sleep no one judges you,
in sleep there is no more
pain, no tears, no guilt

i'll look on,
i'll be your sentinel

2010-06-30T23:59:00.000-07:00

ON LETTING YOU GO

I woke up and saw the room as it was before. The books are still in place, the chair is still facing towards the foot of the bed, the puppies are sleeping soundlessly on my leg, the AC is going and the windows are still bland with the early morning atmosphere.

But my heart is beating fast; my head spinning with unvoiced thoughts, my chest is heaving in downright pain and agony. Everything has changed and I cannot deny that fact. My whole being is a testimony to it.

Slowly, I reach for you lying beside me. I want to feel secure once more, to feel needed, like how I used to need your embrace each morning and know that I’ll be alright for at least another day. I find you and yet you don’t feel the same. My hand doesn’t wander anymore, trying to look for that familiar sensation of you clutching my hand too and soothing me, assuring me.

A tear fell from my eye, slowly tracing the edges of my face, the sensation of its path making me think about the way you touched my face before. How you casually outlined my silhouette and whispered to me how much you loved me. That doesn’t happen anymore. It’s more of like an overplayed cassette tape that has gone out of date.

I sob and choke myself to tears, hoping against hope that you won’t wake up and find me in this state. I love you but things have changed, I have changed. I have been different for a long time. In fact, it would be more accurate to say that I was never the person you wanted me to be, never the complete set you bargained for. I was messed up when you met me, I was never whole to start with, how could I be everything you wanted and needed? How could I give anything worth something? I am doomed to fail you and I found out just now, after 5 long years. I just found that out now. I failed you, once again. I'm sorry.

For the longest time, you have been my ally, my family, my best friend, my safe-keeper, my liberation, my life. You were the only one who stood up for me and fought beside me head on to the battle we call life. You were my lifeline. You armed me with bullets and ammunition to get me ready for whatever awaits. We have prepared so much and we have made a lot of things work our way but none would have prepared me for realizing I have nothing to give in return. That I was not the person you pledged for. That I was not who you think I was.

Before I met you, I have risked facing my life on my own. I took off towards the east, leaving everything and taking nothing but my army of guts and a legion of boldness, aware that I will acquire a number of wounds and I will be my own medic. I was on the brink of losing it when you came along, all wounded too from your most recent bloodshed. We scooped each other up and decided to face the remnants of our life together. We were a team. We hated and loved each other to the core. Nonetheless, our team made it through.

However, only during the deep calm sleeps do I face my own real battles. My inner mayhem.

It never ends. The restlessness, the disturbances and agitation my decisions have left me. They haunt me day in and day out.

I know no matter how many accomplishments we make together, I have never proven to myself that I can do it on my own and it’s not enough. At the start of my journey, I wanted this, the clincher, the trophy, the only attestment to my conquest. That I have done it on my own.

Like you said, my weakness is I am never contented. I dream and always look for things that will keep me afloat. You’re right. I am a dreamer and I have a lot of plans, ones that included you… but practically speaking I wanted them on my own. I am a selfish bastard and I am so sorry.

Yet, you wake up and look for me first thing. You find me looking out of the window in the rain, heaving a deep sigh and I smile at you. My face is still lined with whatever tears leave when they go. You wipe them away and hold my hand. You said you love me and although it hurts, you will let me go. Just like that, you will let me go… because I am more important to you than anyone else in the world.

I break down and tell you my endless umbrage with the life we chose… I chose for myself. Of all people, you are the only one I know will understand me. You always do.

You hold me for a good 5 minutes, each minute a representation of each year we were together and I let my tears flow freely now. I want them out, I need them out.

But I’m keeping you in. You are still my lifeline. I will be letting you go, so as not to keep you down with my troubles too, but I will be staying put. I’m not moving forward without you. I will bring you anywhere my feet will take me. I will leave everything again, but this time I am taking you, and everything you are about, with me. You may not realize it but you are my everything too. I will never leave you, even if I am thousands of miles away from you. I will now be moving further east.

In the end, you still make things easier for me. Thank you for letting me go.

Music in my background
Gravity by Sara Bareilles
jblanqueza

2010-06-30T13:55:00.000-07:00

thrust and parry. . .

you point
out the dilemmas
i give you
your options

you tell
me your worries,
what stops
you from jumping
and taking
it all in,
i try and
give you
some of my courage
(which i got
from you in the
first place, you just
wouldn't believe it)

you enumerate
all that could
possibly go wrong
i urge you
to enjoy the
moment, nothing
is perfect, eventually
things won't go
our way, we will
deal with them
as they come
whatever good we
have right now,
can we dwell
on them a bit longer?

you wanna be
serious, i try
and find humor
in even the
most somber stuff,
it is not
to patronize you
or belittle
your worries, i
realize they are real
i just don't
want the mood
to be all dreary
balance, you say
well that's how
it works love

i love you. . .

even when
it's complicated,
even when
it's inconvenient,
even if
it sometimes
would hurt

have a little faith,
we will need it

2010-06-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

But I’m keeping you in. You are still my lifeline. I will be letting you go, so as not to keep you down with my troubles too, but I will be staying put. I’m not moving forward without you. I will bring you anywhere my feet will take me. I will leave everything again, but this time I am taking you, and everything you are about, with me. You may not realize it but you are my everything too. I will never leave you, even if I am thousands of miles away from you.

your words broke my heart.

not that they were written for somebody else. although, i will not be a hypocrite, i must admit it kinda stung. i wanted to be all that she was, all that she probably still is. your lifeline. the one who pulls you up whenever everything else brings you down. when you go i want to be the one you take with you. i want to be the reason you would choose to go back. i want me to be the one you think of. i want my memory to be the one that keeps you up at night. i want to be the voice inside your head. i want my taste, my scent, the feel of me filling you. i want to be your everything. . .

but this is not about me.

it's about you and the hard decision you had to make.

5 years is a long time. i have lamented on some relationships that lasted a few months. i can only imagine what this is doing to you. it probably is killing you. you hate goodbyes too. especially long drawn out ones like the one you are going through right now. you told me once that you are a runner. you sever ties quickly, you move on swiftly. you try not to hold on to people, if they wanna leave you just let them. this scenario is so much different than what you are used to. this is something that you cannot avoid. you have to face this, alone. this is between you and her. . .

only it isn't.

our lives are inexplicably intertwined. yours, hers and mine. i end where she begins. where i start, she stops. you are the only constant. i am sorry we are pulling you in all directions. it probably is so exhausting. but i can't lose you. not again.

trying to close a chapter of your life is hard, she is not a mere chapter, she is multiple volumes, this probably is the toughest thing you ever had to do. yet you are willing to do that for me. thank you love.

she was your life. a huge part of you would always be for her. one sixth of your existence was spent being with her, living for her. the most painful times of your life, she was the one there for you. she loves you, more than anything and for a time you felt the same way. your history would always include her. i would always envy her, the moments i failed to be a part of. what she is to you, your bestfriend, your ally, your family, your safe-keeper, your liberation. what she will always mean to you. . .

she has shaped you, partly. the person you are is in some way her doing. she took care of you, made you feel loved, gave you her all. in a way you are you due to her. i would always be grateful to her because of that.

i may never fully understand the bond you two had, still have, but i will try and be okay with it.

i do not doubt that you love me. what i am afraid of is if i will ever be able to show you love as much as she has. i will do what i can though. i won't replace her, she is irreplaceable, all i can do is hope i can somehow finish what she started.

i promise i'll do my damnest.

Two months. Two Years. Same Difference.

2010-06-29T06:57:00.000-07:00

You’re looking out the window of the car as the traffic went by us. The city lights are aglow and alive, ready to take on whoever is ready to take them. I blabber about everything I plan to do when I get to where I am going, the things I’m going to see and buy, and the people I’m going to meet. My excitement is oozing out of me like blood from my veins.

And like venom into yours.

First time I realized it, you were gone. Two years have passed since I felt something missing, something has terribly gone wrong. It should have been earlier. Like when you first knocked on my heart’s door. Sadly I was blinded by a big rock right by my passing a “be careful falling debris” sign on my way to you. I stumble and fumble like the crazy fuss I am, my mug rolling towards you. You go pick it up and hand it to me. I say my apologies as you coolly pass it off as “nah, no worries”, something like that. And you move on.

While I was busy studying for an important demo, a little bird told me that you were something else. Something I might wanna notice. I refused to do just that. I refused everything. Even when we were introduced and even when you have become my clandestine partner from the entire hullabaloo I savagely dived in, I was oblivious. Strung out. Distracted. Downright stupid. Each time you held your hand to pull me out, I took it but I let go just as easily too. You didn’t have a hold on me, literally.

Or so I thought.

Our meaningless chats and small talks have been surrounded by deep, heavy controversies within me for the last couple of months. I can’t help but breathe in heavily at the thought of all the wasted time, burdened by the thought that I might have really lost you.

Slowly, painfully I realized what I have been missing. And what must be the most poignant of all realizations was when I remembered how I let it go… just like that. Through sms. Frigging technology! Pfft! Kaput! And it’s gone.

You were gone. It was you. Dang! What I have been missing. I was a shitload of stupidity personified.

Calmly and confidently, I scrutinized the limited proof of you still being alive on the site. With heavy fingers, I clicked it ---> Add as a friend. Do I really wanna be a friend now? Really?!

I fiddled about, hoping you might have forgotten the sms I sent you. It was long gone. The darned mobile I used isn't even with me anymore.

Next day I was approved. Left a note and you replied back. One thing led to another and I knew, the moment you said that I still had this way with words (which felt exactly the way it should), I knew the long burnt flame wasn’t out. It’s up to me now to turn things around and make you stay, follow your pace, lay a firm grip on the present, stall you, keep you…

And I will. Remember that.

The whole month was a whirlwind of craziness and risks. I planned to make things as smooth as possible, but to us, smooth is never an operative word. You, alone, would probably do, what with all your luckiness. But if you include me in your life, that word may as well never exist. I jolt the life out of you. I make everything such a mess, it’s hard to see things straight again.

Yet you still love me. You still make me a major part of your world despite me begging you not to… because I know, almost certain, that I will fail. I have done so multiple times in the past. What makes it different now? I know. Because it’s you. You and your lucky charm, your easy dealings with Universe that shoot my panic attacks down to death.

I love you. More than anything now. More than you think. I’m sure it’s more than what I even think. I loved you since the day you knocked on my heart's door, offering its splendor of things good and bad, I just didn’t know it. I loved you again when I realized it just over a month ago, two years later, when I knew what was missing, what was holding me back from feeling again. The loud shatter of my walls have echoed endlessly throughout the realization phase and was just bits and pieces as I walk across the debris, holding hands with you, feeling the useless point of those walls. Feeling, no longer thinking.

I will love you, even as I wander across a foreign land, knowing in my heart that I took the risk, that I’m taking it, and that I will take it over and over again for you.

So please, stop looking out and let’s not waste time, precious time. Every minute wasted is a lifetime without you. Or me. I will not waste it looking out, when I have you beside me. Please make my dreams what they are. I will try to make your dream what they should be too.

Thanks to that little bird who cannot be discreet, he just had to tell on everyone huh?!

Saffronbox / Jhing

2010-06-28T07:17:00.000-07:00

it already sunk in
with a loud
thud, reverberating
falling down, down,
further down
i am trying
hard to ignore it
but it won't let me. . .

two years,
not that long, eh?
it will pass
really quickly,
i might not even
notice. . .

yeah right.

that's two christmases,
two new year's days,
two birthdays,
two anniversaries,
twentyfour months,
seven hundred thirty evenings
i won't spend
sleeping right
next to you,
seven hundred thirty mornings
not waking up
beside you,
a multitude of smiles
i won't get to see,
countless hugs,
undefined amount of kisses,
how many tears
will i won't get
to wipe away?
how many sighs?
how many chances
to hold your hand
will i miss?

just this one time
i wanna be selfish
and beg you to stay,
but i know i can't,
i shouldn't
it's your shot,
your chance at a
dream you've always
chased after. . .

ten years from now,
i do not wanna be
the one burdened
with the guilt that
you did not take it,
i do not want
to be that person

i promised to
not attempt at
holding you back,
and so i won't

you are free love, go and dream love

2010-06-26T11:34:00.000-07:00

bed feels empty,
now that i have
known what it
feels to finally
have you lie
next to me
it feels so
cold without
you, freezing,
like i was
left out in
a raging storm
or a powerful
blizzard. . .

you used to
wake up at
odd hours
just to tell
me you were
sorry for
falling asleep,
i keep expecting
my phone to beep
or ring
or both and
see a message
you have left,
i love it when
you do that. . .

dinners are
never the same
if i don't
have you to
share them with,
i look forward
to your stories,
to anecdotes
about how your
day went, who
you saw, the
conversations
you have had
the lady in
the elavator
who bumped you,
the simple stuff,
i feel as if
i was there
with you too,
i wish i were. . .

letting go of
the hand that
grips mine so tightly
is becoming harder
and harder each day,
i hope i can
hold on to it
all the time and
not just partly

you said soon. . .
i'm gonna hold you to that alright?

2010-06-25T20:48:00.000-07:00

You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea. . .

i broke you,
wide open
i can still
remember the
look on your face,
was it disappointment?
i do not
really know
i only felt
your sadness,
the worry, the
guilt, yet again,
i am so sorry

i pushed too hard,
demanded too much,
i see a line
i cross it,
you tell me
your boundaries
i try and
extend it
you tell me
what you can do,
i ask for more

for a while
there i forgot
we had limits. . .

the rules
were clear,
you live by them,
i try to bend
all i can
and it is killing you,
but that's who i am
so what do
we do now?

i guess i would
just have to
take a step back,
listen to what
you have been
telling me the
whole time,

i should not
get used to you
always being there,
cause in reality,
you really can't. . .

so i wouldn't
have to shatter,
and you wouldn't
have to break some more

i have to never forget that.

2010-06-24T23:02:00.000-07:00

one
two
three

breathe love,
close your eyes
and imagine rainbows
and puppies
and small children
with ice cream
smeared on their
innocent faces
think about
cool breezes,
snow, arctic
long cold showers. . .

hold on. . .
do not let
go yet
just feel me
i just want
a taste
a nip
a bite
a small sip
you are meant
to be savored
not devoured
delicately,
artfully

temptress,
do not give
in yet
i'll let you
come ever so close
and i'll pull back,
give you a
minute to
try and gain
control just
to watch you
lose every ounce
of it again. . .

ah. . .
the game we
play is such
a dangerous one

don't worry love,
it will be great, i promise. . .

2010-06-23T09:08:00.000-07:00

your dreams. . .

if i have
to pick one
it would most
definitely be yours, love
i am rooting
for you to
get what you want
no matter the cost
you should grab it
with both hands
you can't if
i hold one. . .

i won't hold
you back
like i said,
if you have to
you must
i won't stand
in your way
if you have to leave
i should let you go

all i want
is to see you happy,
for once, i
need you to
choose you
be the lead
in the story
you've created
it's okay,
i won't go anywhere . . .

i'll wait
for as long as
i can hang on,
i'll be here

and if
somewhere along
the way we
lose each other,
if somehow we fail
to get back together,
if tempting fate
causes it to
frown upon us,
i'll take that risk . . .

do not worry about me, love
i am much braver than you think

2010-06-22T21:28:00.000-07:00

girlfriend,

you are not okay.
i feel it.
in the subtle differences most would not even notice.
you have grown quiet.
i do not like your silence.
it usually means you are trying to solve
the world's crisis all on your own.
it's brave, but not very practical.
and you scream practicality, it's your mantra.
you are clamming up. . .
again.

i know sometimes you feel as if the world is closing in on you,
or universe is mocking you
like everything is a mess
or there's no way out. . .

you come to me.
okay?
when you get to this point, you come to me.
i may not always have an answer,
i probably won't know what to do too,
but at least you get to get it off your chest.
i'm gonna listen, i promise
and if you cry (iyakin ka eh), i'll wipe your tears
and try my darnest to make you smile, even just a bit,
if i can't, then i'll just hold you
so you would know you are not alone.

you won't be.
not anymore.
okay?

so, what is wrong love?

2010-06-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

play me a song, your newest one
please leave your taste on my tongue. . .

and leave
you did. . .

it's all
i can
think about,
like my brain
stood frozen,
(if your intention
is to stump me,
right on!!! hahaha)
my heart is
still racin'
can't breathe, love
you took my
air and left
me dazed

till now, my
skin smells of you,
my hand reaches
to you
my lips cry
out for you
butterflies in
my stomach
are not fluttering,
they are flinging
themselves mercilessly,
as if in a trance,
delirious, i guess

miles away
and i'm still
trembling. . .

you still
do not know
the effect
you have on
me, do you?

but then i have
to let you walk
away again. . .

ahhhh, sweet, sweet, agony

till i see you again love,
cannot wait to see again, love
=)

2010-06-20T10:37:00.000-07:00

i would've
still picked you. . .

if you came
a wee bit later,
just when
someone else
already holds
my hand,
a different
person sits
right next
to me, her
head on my
shoulder, leaning
against me

someone else
causes me to smile,
a different scent
fills my head
her touch
is what sends
me shivering
if what i hear
is her whispering
and what i taste
are her lips,
lingering

had you
walked in
at that exact
moment, when
life started
moving again,
away from where
you were,
what would've happened?

i stared at
other's eyes,
yet i still
searched for yours
or a semblance
of who you are
hidden somewhere
in those depths

yeah, anyone else
might've made me
shiver yet nobody
could make my
heart race as
the mere sight
of you ever did
you have a hold
on me, a mastery
of me, nobody
could learn,
or bothered
to know about

no one could
break me and put
me back together
again with just
one line

you were my standard,
everyone else had to
contend with what
you were for me,
nobody could measure up,
no one ever tried. . .

for once, i guess universe was on your side (hahahaha)

2010-06-19T10:13:00.000-07:00

the lovely
petals of
a rosebud
won't budge
and they won't
bloom if
not for time. . .

the sparkling
diamond is
but a lump
of coal
if not for
pressure, extreme
temperature
and yeah, time

an unripened fruit
(we'll use this since
you seem to love
this metaphor so much)
would remain
tangy, sour
however lush it
may look on the outside
it still won't
taste as sweet
not without time

even the exotic butterfly
won't be as beautiful
if not for time. . .

but we are not
flowers or fruits
or gemstones

our lives are
more complicated
more intricate
less rigid
we do not follow
a pattern we make
our own

a time for
everything
and everything
in its time,
patience is
indeed a virtue. . .

however, i say
cease the day
we've waited long enough
wasted too much
let so many things
just slip by us,
i can't afford to
let go some more. . .

i'm sorry love,
i can't back down
not anymore, okay?

2010-06-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

so what happens now?

i saw the
look in your eyes
it flashed as
sudden as it left. . .

the guilt,
the confusion,
the torn expression,
the bewilderment

i recognize it,
i've seen that
same look
not too long ago

inner turmoil,
pain not voiced,
i had to move
my stare elsewhere,

so you won't see. . .

that i went pale,
that the smile
pasted on my lips
was nothing but bare

it's all too familiar,
i remember it
like it were
a few minutes ago

are we back to that?

i hope not. . .

still i can't help
but hold on to you
and breathe in all i can of you
as if it were my last. . .

2010-06-17T09:55:00.000-07:00

i should be sleeping now.
you asked me to go to bed now and i shut down my laptop.
i can't keep my eyes open and my yawns are chasing each other.
i couldn't let today pass though, without atleast
trying to write something.
not today, of all days. . .

i love you. . .

you caught me by surprise.
my heart almost leapt out of my chest.
i was wide awake at almost four am
wondering if universe is playing tricks on me.
more than two years.
i have waited for more than two long years.
i never expected to hear you say them
i was happy knowing that you might have
thought about saying something close enough,
i wasn't prepared for what happened next. . .

i am beyond falling, i have fallen long ago, i just did not realize it until right this very moment --- your exact words.

did i tell you how happy you made me then?
was i able to describe how the years seemed to fall away, they failed
to matter anymore, those moments in between losing and finding you again.
all my focus shifted to what you were telling me then,
how you felt all too empty, until we were finally together.
i went still, i did not want to move, i even tried holding my breath
for fear that any sudden movement would tip the scales
and unsettle everything . . .

that was exactly a month ago.
when you came back and changed my life once more.
i do not know if or when the mood would change, it might, i'm hoping it wouldn't

in the event that, like everything else, this too is temporary,
no worries love.
i've had a month.
it might not be as long as what i have planned, what i would've wanted.
but it would be longer than what most people get.

lifetimes can be lived in a single day.

a month won't be too bad right?

i love you mine.
here's to one month. . .

and here's to hoping we could add a few decades more =)

2010-06-16T10:36:00.000-07:00

i wake up
as soon as
i know you
are already up
even if i
only slept
a few hours ago
i make an effort
to be there
everytime you
call, all the
time you need me
so i know
you would not
feel too lonely. . .

i tell you
i miss you
countless times
i know it
can be annoying
but i say
it anyway
so you know
i never fail
to think about you

i hug you,
i hold your hand
i tuck your hair back,
i trace your face
with my fingertips
i breathe in
your scent,
so you feel
that i can't
get enough of you

i tell you
i love you
every chance i get
i whisper the words
in your ear,
i include it
in all i write
so you would
be reminded
that you are
indeed loved

these are not to pressure you,
i am not asking for you to do the same,
my purpose is to let you get used to them. . .

yeah,
so it would be close to impossible
for you to even think of letting me go. . .

2010-06-15T10:05:00.000-07:00

you made it back to sleep again
wonder what you're dreaming. . .

chocolates?
dark, rich,
creamy, all too sweet
you just can't
get enough of

your fill
of books?
anything you
can think of
whole volumes,
pages upon pages
that would consume you

great adventures?
the thrill,
the exhilaration,
the sense of pride
in conquering
whatever excites you

the beach?
quiet walks
the colors
spilled across the sky
as the sun moves
up or comes down
the tranquil waters,
the rushing waves

silence?
of just lying there
contented, relaxed,
no worries,
carefree, calm

or do you dream of me?

do i even exist
in your fantasy?
when you make up
a world you view
as almost perfect
am i a part of that?

it really doesn't matter to me, you know?
where you go when you sleep
just as long as when you wake up,
i'm the first one you look for. . .

they can have your make believe world,
but your reality. . .

is mine, all mine

2010-06-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

lesbians are immoral.

i was taken aback by this statement. yeah it's strong, but does it have any basis?

of or concerned with the judgment of the goodness or badness of human action and character. i consulted trusty google for the definition, this was the first one i got. judgment. now that's a word.

i do not know if there is anything more subjective than the word judgment. it implies a person's own idea. his opinion. his perception on how things were, how they are and how they should be. you can rely on facts, you can base it on history or experience you can also draw from what you have observed. ultimately though, whatever you have decided on will be a product of your personal assessment. everyone has his or her own biases. nobody can be perfectly neutral at any and every point. preferences are a given. something as simple as a color you like more can figure greatly in a decision you have to make (apartheid, ring any bell?).

so what am i saying?

the age old debate on morality have withstood the test of time. it is still as alive as it was when it was first brought up. nobody is backing down. moralists have their own code, a set of standards that every act is subjected to before they consider it just. the people on the other side of the fence, who they call "immoral" , also have their own version of what is fair, what is right. if you study the definition, it would imply that not one of them is incorrect.

morality, if we are going to strictly follow its definition, pertains to what we, as individuals, view as right or wrong or fair or unjust. it is not uncommon for a large group of people to have the same views, that is fine, the problem begins when this group insists that what they think is better or more correct than what a smaller group does. something does not automatically become right just because almost everyone thinks it is, the same way that an act should not be automatically termed wrong just because only a few people think it's right.

we each have a different opinion on a lot of stuff. that is alright. it is so much better than everyone thinking alike, like robots, programmed. yeah discussions are bound to happen, that is quite normal. what is not acceptable for me though is that a whole bunch of people are trying to shove their beliefs on every other individual they can find who are opposing theirs. just because you are the majority, it does not mean that you have the license to ram your ideas on the minority's throat.

in politics we have this term "tyranny of the majority", it means that since almost everything is decided through a majority's vote it could lead to the minority losing it's voice. the powerful majority could very well crush whoever questions them. it would either be their way, or the highway. fair?

whatever happened to the concept live and let live?

we can be the masters of our lives. do what we wanna do, be who we want to be. the only thing we are asked in return is to allow other people to be able to do the same thing, live as they want to live.

if respect is too much to ask, can't the masses just be apathetic then? if acceptance is much more impossible than achieving world peace, can't they just leave us alone? if understanding is something unintelligible to them, why can't they just allow us to be who we are and not ask us to explain why we are.

so who should define moral?

should they? should we?

maybe no one really needs to.

2010-06-14T08:15:00.000-07:00

sometimes bombs
fall quietly. . .

no banners
no signs
no warnings
no hints

it creeps up
on you
and holds
you hostage

no sense
in resisting
you are hooked
from the get go

it will warm
you from
the inside out
like taking
a sip of
aged brandy
it gives
you a sudden kick
and leaves you
wanting more. . .

more buzz,
more light headedness
it's kinda addicting,
the need,
the giving,
the taking

the best way to fall in love
is when you least expect it. . .

soundless, yet it blows you away,
just the same. . .

2010-06-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

tick, tock. . .
clock strikes
eight and
we are in
a mad rush
the wild
dash starts
all flushed
and feverish
we run like
crazy, we have
a deadline to meet,
a curfew if
you must
we have a
ride to catch
hurry, hurry. . .

not that
i do not
see the effort
you throw
into this,
i do, i know,
it's hard
for you too
but you give
it as much
as you can
all you can offer

don't worry love

one fine day
there won't be
a need to
look over
your shoulders,
no reason to
invent lies,
no half truths,
no explanations

one fine day
you can love
without any guilt,
we'll throw away
your watch, time
will stand still,
even if it moves
we would not
need to care. . .

time will play on our side of the bench
one of these very ordinary days. . .

2010-06-12T11:22:00.000-07:00

the heavens wept. . .

it started
with just
a gentle drizzle,
as if sending
a tiny reprieve
to the almost
punishing heat
just to cool
us down, allow
us a welcome
change from the
sweltering sun
the parched earth
was suddenly singing,
thanking whomever
for the brief
respite. . .

the wind had
other plans though,
it blew vigorously,
the once rythmic
pitter patter
turned violent,
the light spray
replaced by a
steady beating downpour,
as if in anger,
the pelts started
falling heavily,
without warning,
trying to keep
you from leaving,
it was like
watching a classic
battle of wits,
it was the rain
against your need
to walk away. . .

you stood your ground. . .

for a bit
it looked as
if you might
back down and
just let the
skies win,
hold you back,
but then you
stared at it
straight in the eye
and dared it
to stop. . .

stop it did
as if in quiet
surrender,
it gave in
suddenly everything
went still. . .
now you are free
to return to
wherever it is
you chose to
come home to

even the rain knew
she is no match for you. . .

2010-06-11T09:20:00.000-07:00

the way
you say my name
like an oath,
whispered pray'r

how you
force me
to look straight
into your eyes
and not be afraid

the way you
touch me, lightly,
gently, as though
i might break,
i won't, you know

soft, warm
feathery, how
you place a kiss
on my cheek
carefully, like
a breeze

your scent
engulfs me
enslaves me
to someone
almost drowning,
it's like
coming up for air. . .

i miss you,
i miss everything about you. . .

hurry home please

2010-06-11T09:16:00.000-07:00

BLISS

Your touch is electric
I felt it the first time you held me
The way we connected
So easily
I've tried to define it
Searched for the perfect phrase
I've tried to describe it
In a million different ways

It's joy, it's ecstasy, it's truth it's destiny
And even love is not enough
To tell you how you make me feel
There's only one word for this

I've got to admit it
You took my heart by surprise
Don't know how you did it
But baby, I've never felt so alive
I already know what the future holds
As long as you are here with me

It's joy, it's ecstasy, it's truth, it's destiny
And even love is not enough
To tell you how you make me feel
It's faith, it's honesty, it's life, it's everything
To say I love you is not enough
To tell you how you make me feel
It's in your smile, it's in you kiss
It's the reason I exist
There's only one word for this
Its bliss

2010-06-09T10:29:00.000-07:00

i hate mornings
when i have
to leave the
confines of
a world i
create on my
own, my dream world
where i can
be anyone i
would like to be
anything i can
hope to be
i play the
lead role
i decide what
the ending
should be

i can recreate
pause, play, rewind
until i get
it right
until it
suits me
every single time
i can come
out winning
i can erase
even the tiniest
error, every mistake
no pain, no heartache
i can make
everything perfect

no more worries
no misplaced guilt
you are responsible
only for yourself
and i am as
tough as you
need me to be. . .

until i wake up. . .

until sleep wears off. . .

then i'm catapulted
back to real life,
the inescapable
world of reality
i almost refuse to move

but i have to
grab my phone
and say good morning
call you and ask
if you are
off to work
listen to you
say you miss me
and you love me. . .

real life just got better

let me rephrase that,
i used to hate mornings. . .
now i can't wait to wake up

2010-06-09T03:03:00.000-07:00

it just
turned bleak,
my future,
it just turned
a tad bit sour
like spoilt milk,
i refuse to
cry over

i refuse. . .
but the warm,
angry, drops
have a mind
of their own
they still
trace their
familiar path
racing, rapidly
i wipe them
just as swiftly
but they're
always a step
ahead of me

so i just
let them be
hoping that
in a little
while they
would grow tired,
as weary as i
and just stop. . .

i wish they
would just stop. . .

2010-06-08T08:23:00.000-07:00

girlfriend,

hi there.
how's the weather?
it wasn't sunshiny yesterday,
i hope today is better.

i'm sorry i was such a jerk.
i can't help but feel frustrated
i know you are doing the best that you can
i see that, i feel that
it's just that sometimes, i fail to see the silver lining.
for all my optimism, there are days that
even i feel a bit uncertain.
no, i do not doubt how you feel
i know that it is real, as real as it can ever get.
it's not that.
i just miss you so damned much.
i may have reacted a bit odd, really sorry about that.

it's never gonna be perfect.
nothing ever is.
i get too sensitive sometimes
you get too defensive
you'll have your mood swings
and i'll have my angry days
there would be times where
you and i will be terribly tired
from work, from life, from everything else
the way we argue over the simplest things,
we are bound to clash more than once
just be patient with me okay?
i will do my share of looking the other way too.

you will get cranky
i will get impatient
we will be on the brink
of giving up one time or two
you will suddenly go quiet
and i will get into your nerves
i will have my moments
and you definitely will have yours
it does not mean that
we'll love each other less

it's not an exact science,
there are no formulas,
no measurements,no theories
that would allow us to make it all easier
it is complicated, it will always be that
but we'll work it out
you're level headed and i'm creative
we'll figure something out
we are two very stubborn people
universe does not stand a chance (hehehehe).

i love you jhing.
and you love me too(i still do not know why).

could you please never get tired of putting up with me?

2010-06-07T07:35:00.000-07:00

your spunk
my passion
the fire that
we create
agression
your temper
my arrogance
red. . .

your warmth
my energy
the unending thirst
for finding out why
curiosity
your love for fun
orange. . .

my unwavering optimism
your intellect
my creativity
your sick wisdom (hahaha)
happiness
yellow. . .

soothing,
your love of life
how we strike
a balance
laid back,
relaxed
green. . .

my sense of commitment
serenity,
your calming nature
consistency
sincerity
blue. . .

my depth (yeah)
your insight
our instant understanding
without moving a muscle
inspiration
indigo. . .

your mystique
my eccentricity
magic
ideal
purpose
violet. . .

(you slept again. so i wrote about the colors of the rainbow. hahahaha. love you girlfriend)

2010-06-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

i sat and
watched the
waves with
you today,
with the sun
slowly descending
i almost wished
he could
take me with him
as he disappears
beneath the
water's edge
quiet for
the moment

the tide
kept rising
crashing against
huge boulders
that seemed
tiny, helpless
i almost prayed
they could
carry me off
somewhere i can
just be still
unmoving, unfeeling
where i can be
your favorite word, numb

it will be
dark soon
i almost hoped
that darkness
could swallow me
i could be invisible. . .

then you
reached for my hand
held it in yours,
a quiet reassurance

i said i'd be
ever so patient,
i am trying to be
just that,
although sometimes
i am almost convinced
that your doubts,
your fears
are all too real

i only have to
look at you
and i remember. . .

it's my job
to calm them,
debunk your
endless theories,
make you believe
that underneath
all your questions,
your unending protests
is a heart that
beats for me only. . .

all i have to do
is make you believe. . .

sorry mister sun,
i guess i'll go with you
some other day then. . .

2010-06-05T11:03:00.000-07:00

it's heart wrenching,
everytime i have
to let your
hand go
whenever i have
to turn my
back again
and walk
far, far away
from where you
are standing. . .

it's never easy
looking the other way
when all
i really want
is to keep
staring at you
so i just
try and memorize
the contours
of your face,
so i won't forget
till i can
see you again. . .

i can only wave,
my smile
pasted firmly
i can't let
you know that
it kills me
everytime i have
to say goodbye again
i have mastered
the art of showing
no emotion at all
you shouldn't know. . .

that each time
i ride home
on my own
i feel more lonely
every time i leave
your steps,
i feel more empty. . .

the bittersweet cycle
of hi's and goodbye's

i wish someday
it will just be hello. . .

2010-06-04T07:23:00.000-07:00

i only
feel the coldness. . .
what i always found refreshing
now only chills
me to the bone
the wind that
used to lull
me to sleep
are now howls
that haunt me
keep me up all night
scare me. . .

the tempest that
i used to love watching
as it displays
its majesty, power
an air of
unrestrained freedom
i now view as
reckless, untamed
it only causes havoc
it destroys everything
on its path

the tiny droplets
trickling, ever so swiftly,
i used to catch
them in my hand
now it runs
on my face
devoid of any emotion
i do not even know
where my tears
meet the mist
i only taste
their bitterness
each little bead

pricks me

anywhere they fall

i thought i should

be numb by now

what used to soothe me,

what i used to welcome

i now almost hate

i run for cover

but i'm already drenched

i'd rather be
flown inches from
the scorching sun, burned

than see the rain
as it laughs at me,
as if mocking my agony. . .

2010-06-03T09:56:00.000-07:00

there's still
too much we
have to sort through,
too many questions
we've yet to answer
so much that
we have
to think about
but for a brief moment
you were all mine. . .

my eyes were
the ones you
wanted to get
lost into
my fingers were
the ones laced with yours
your head was
cradled on my shoulder
the time you had
was meant for me
just for me

it was all new
and yet it
felt all too familiar. . .

the same scene
where we left off
a couple of years ago
the same one we had
no other choice but
to flee from
run as fast as we can
before either or
both of us break
too much, too hard

same players,
same roles. . .

have we changed
enough to finally
make it this time?
did i learn to
be more patient?
did you learn
how to trust blindly?
do we have enough love?
enough faith?
can we summon enough courage?

i hope we do. . .

for both our sakes, i hope we do

2010-06-02T08:24:00.000-07:00

hey,

you have asked this before
i have answered it
but you seem to have forgotten
let me refresh your memory (short term memory loss, your excuse to everything, hahaha)

why you?

i'm not really sure.

maybe it's because you get me.
without me having to explain what i mean.
i can be myself with you.
my silly, obsessive, sometimes pathetic self.
i can tell you everything.
my hopes, my dreams (yeah i should lay off on some of them, i know), my frustrations.
and you can tell me everything too.
we bicker, quite a lot.
you question everything i say.
you fight with me on every little thing.
but at the end of the day, you get me to admit where i got it wrong.
and i get you to acknowledge that sometimes you don't have it all right.
on really tough ones, we agree to disagree.
your aim is not to see it your way
and you simply cannot be swayed
we have a stand on everything
and they are not always the same
we are not each other's yes man, and that is refreshing.

or maybe it's because
of your eyes, dark brown (it's common, you would argue, i know, i'd be more surprised if you don't) they have seen the world at an odd view.
they light up when you laugh, they turn deadly when you're mad.
i've seen them glistening with unshed tears.
they have a way of seeing right through me.

maybe it's your lips.
the way they tilt when you smile.
you have this habit of biting down on them when you're uncomfortable, or when you're thinking (they distract me, but what the heck)

it could be because you are a little deaf sometimes, i have to repeat what i say hmmmm, a couple of times maybe (but this is very rare, like every 5 minutes or so, hahahaha). or maybe because you get annoyed too easy. or maybe because you fall asleep anytime, anywhere (i know, really, really tired, it's ok).

because you are you. you curse too much but you apologize right after. you get hurt deeply, but you can't help but forgive too easily. you get irritated, you get mad but you calm down in a matter of minutes. you are a masochist, a sadist, a crazy little girl, my crazy little girl. you are a walking, breathing contradiction.

because i can talk to you all day and still miss you, even before i put the phone down.

i never can win any argument with you but that's okay, i don't feel as if i lost anyway.

you make me feel scared and brave, foolish and wise, strong and weak all at the same time.

you make me fall in love with you over and over again.

why you?

funny, i do not think i got to decide on that (fate, okay? universe, yeah, him again). . .

and even if i did, i would be stupid to not choose you.

2010-06-01T08:33:00.000-07:00

hey,

i'm sorry.
i did not mean to make it
harder than it already is
i did not ask for it to
be so complicated
although, yeah, we both cannot deny
that we love challenges
it keeps us on our toes
makes us think better
but i do not think either of us
wanted it to be this crazy
neither of us signed up for pain
but it seems to come
to us in buckets
hang in there will you?

no i do not have any beef
with universe,
he (or she, maybe even it but
for this purpose we'll pretend
he's a he) threw us together
he might've torn us apart
but he also found a way
to bring us back
the rest would have
to come from us
it might seem hopeless
most of the time
but we always have a choice
do we look for a way
to make it work,
or do we just go our
seperate ways?
the latter seems easier
especially on days like today
but i won't back down
no i won't if you don't. . .

don't worry toughie
i'm all yours,
i've always been yours

let's stick together, shall we?

2010-06-01T08:31:00.000-07:00

"Wild Horses"

I feel these 4 walls closing in
My face up against the glass
I'm looking out... hmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
Its greener pastures I'm thinking about hmm
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses
Oh yeah yea

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared
Hoohhh woah woah

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses
Oh yeah yea

I wanna run too.
Hohhh woah oh woah oh

Breaklessly abandoning my self before you

I wanna open up my heart tell her how I feel

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses
Hooaah woah oh woah
Yeah

I wanna run with the wild horses

2010-05-31T10:16:00.000-07:00

have a little faith in me. . .

i know.
whatever it is that we have and don't have, just gets too complicated sometimes.
it's not easy, you never said it would be, i always knew it would be tough.
the timing, again, is not that ideal.
you have your reasons.
i try to justify the doubts that you have (you never seem to run out of them) .
you are too cynical.
i am all hopeful.
i believe in fate.
you think that is just crap.
you have a contingency plan, a back-up plan and a back-up, back-up plan.
i live in the now.
i trust too easy.
i don't even know if you trust me,
and everything i tell you.

i feel too much.
you claim you're numb.
you've had way too much shit thrown at you.
i have lived a semi-charmed life.
i break, but i heal quickly.
you can't seem to let go of your pain.
you hold on to it for dear life.
i cry ouch when i get burned.
you keep your emotions tightly reined.
i sometimes have my head in the clouds
your feet are firmly planted on the ground.

are we too opposite?
can't we come up with a compromise?
is it impossible to meet me halfway?

"we'll have a dog named universe"

you're starting to dream. . .

there's hope for us yet. . .

2010-05-30T03:39:00.000-07:00

you, looking over
my shoulder
as i write
lazy sunday
mornings spent
half of the time
lounging in bed
catching on sleep
watching a basketball game
while you are next
to me listening
to songs with your earphones
the game bores you
but you won't
let me watch alone

i'm reading
you are surfing
or texting
or doing whatever
sitting across from me
i look up and
see you staring back
we smile
our smile
then we go back
to doing what we
have been doing

i go home
from work
nothing special
just take outs
you put in
a video and
turn the tv on
we just sit on
the couch eating
and watching
it's one we have
seen countless times
but we still
laugh at the
right parts

i lay with you
the lights are off
it's not quiet though
we talk, non stop
about what my day was,
and how your day went
we banter, but we
stop for a few
minutes every so
often to let you
calm down, you
never learned to
just go along with my
teasing, so i have
to stop every now
and then and let
you cool it to
avoid being strangled (hahahaha)
when we get tired
we just close our eyes
and hold each other

my idea of perfect days. . .

soon, someday soon. . .

2010-05-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

you are
my refuge
against the
scorching heat
my once humid,
arid, barren existence
now springs
with life,
the grays, the blacks
are filled
with greens,
blues, and all the hues
that represent
new beginnings

little by little
you have washed
away the pain
of memories
i would rather
keep hidden,
tucked neatly
in a vault
that i sometimes
open, to remind
me of the heartaches,
each instance
i got hurt
not to savor
but to act
as a firm warning,
misplaced trust
has always been an issue
the scars are
starting to form
can i call
myself healed?

your tiny droplets
push their way,
to the very
core of me
persistent, unfazed
forcing themselves
inside, steadily
plucking away
the barricades that
have stood ground
i placed them
there to guard
against any invasion
that might urge
my heart to beat again,
they are failing. . .

rain, rain
don't go away
i don't wanna wait
for you to come
another day

i have you here with me now. . .

i am not letting go of you now. . .

2010-05-28T10:16:00.000-07:00

to she, long overdue, i know

so sorry

the clink
of frosted glasses
bodies swaying
in tune with
the upbeat
music playing
i inhale the
slow burning
smoke from my cigarette
i offer you one
you just sat there
watching
smiling at everyone

funny what
bonds we forge
just by staring

you laugh
as if on cue
but i see what
is hidden behind
those seemingly
perfect lashes

as if i am
looking at myself
infront of a mirror
my sad eyes is
reflected in yours
but only for a minute

and then you
go back to
your pretense
well rehearsed
no one will suspect

but for that brief moment
i knew. . .

i'll be your ally. . .

your secret is safe with me
it's ok, go breathe easy

2010-05-28T05:59:00.000-07:00

you: i'm a music lover, i sing okay and in tune and i really dig lyrics, it's really important to me that we match that. i love photography and nature. i love dogs, i just learned that recently.

me: i love music. give me any situation and i will be able to come up with a song that would suit you, that you can relate to. i'm good with lyrics, i have them memorized in no time but i cannot carry a tune even if my life depended on it (hahahaha). i know which end to point with when using a camera but i do not have the eye for perfect angles and lighting. i am a whiz at posing though, does that count? i love dogs, i've known that all my life.

you: i like people who don't follow the norms, who can live on their own, who will stand up for what they believe in. i admire people who are independent, who can go anywhere they want to go. i like people who do not suck you in their lives. i hate emotional vampires, people who mess things up just to get noticed or for the fun of it.

me: it's good to stand out, to not be common, different. but i also know that sometimes you have to learn how to blend in. i hate confrontations and so i sometimes just let it go. you have to pick your battles, it would be too tiring to try and defy everything. yeah, i also hate people who make scenes just to get noticed. those who drag other people down so they can pull themselves up.

you: i like complimenting people and receiving them so i try as much as i can to deserve them. i love reading and crave for people i can share my reviews with. i like movies but i am not a fan of catching the first wave, i wait for the reviews first before i waste time and money. i am all for stability and proving my independence to my family, i want them to look up to me and the effort i made to reach it. unfortunately, my family is bad news, let's not go there.

me: remember the lesson i learned from you the first time we ever went out? i teased you the whole time. in my defense, it's what we (butches or guys) do when we like someone, we tease. i know it was juvenile, i do apologize. so i had the 411 on what girls like. i have learned from that mistake. i did improve right? i read a lot. we mostly have read the same books, we'll talk about them soon okay? i love watching movies too, i read the reviews because i wanna find out if the ending was happy. i almost never watch a film that does not end well. real life is hard enough, i want to watch movies that would force me to hope. hahahaha, sorry, sentimental fool, i know. ok we won't talk about your family. my mom loves you though. but you already know that right?

you: i like people who can and will take care of me. in the event that they have to leave me, i need them to apologize because i have feelings too, even if i act stoic. this is the tricky part because i can't reverse this. i almost always have a hard time opening up, apologizing and accepting defeat.

me: i like it when i'm needed. i like it when you let me take care of you. you sometimes hold on to your independence too much, when you do get tired, i'm just right here, alright? i hate saying goodbye. i almost never say it. i'll let you leave first. sweet katniss, i know you mask your fragility behind a cool demeanor, but this is me. you know you can trust me.

you: i'm a leo born in the year of the monkey, i am the center of attention, i don't love it but i feel it when i'm not. i have difficulty spilling out my sentiments without my traitor tears, even when i'm happy, it's ridiculous. everything i am, you'll learn to love and hate.

me: we were born the same year, monkeys rule!!!! hahahaha. i veer away from the limelight, i won't fight you for it so i guess that is fine. you will never be short on attention, i usually give out lots, you might even force me to stop or else you'll drown (know what i mean? hahahaha). i've had my share of those tears, i've wiped some of them dry, i have invested in tissues so don't worry, we'll never run out of them. i already love all of you, i have tried my hand at hating even a tiny part of you but i can't. sorry dear, you can try and teach me all you want but that is the one thing i won't sign up for.

you: there are things that you don't and might not have or never turn into, given time and space. only the years will dictate our next move, whether we stop here or carry on. whether you accept this or reject that. you will get into my nerves and i will definitely hurt you, although never would it be intentional. i will strive to make you see me as i am and then tell me if you feel the same way, or atleast still have that inclination to get us back up the surface. this is new to me too. don't tell me you know what you're doing 'cause we are both groping in the dark. just hold my hand and never let go. what do you say?

me: i never learned how to dance. i can't paint. i can't sketch (not my name, not yours seperately or together). i do not play any instrument. as much as i am a lot of things, there are more that i am not. i frustrate you. i irritate you sometimes. i know i'm not easy to deal with. i push you too hard. i make mistakes. you do not come with an instruction manual and so expect me to fumble a couple of hundred times. thank you for being patient with me. i may get hurt, but i might inflict you pain. yet you are willing to take a huge risk with me. i never claimed to know all the answers, i don't. this territory is as unfamiliar to me as it is to you. i do hope we see the light soon enough. i said i won't let us get swallowed by the waves, i will stand by that.

i will hold your hand. . . but please do not let go of mine.

2010-05-27T22:38:00.000-07:00

love, love sara bareilles

"One Sweet Love"

Just about the time the shadows call

I undress my mind and dare you to follow

Paint a portrait of my mystery

Only close my eyes and you are here with me

A nameless face to think I see

To sit and watch the waves with me till they're gone

A heart I'd swear I'd recognize is made out of

My own devices....

Could I be wrong?

The time that I've taken

I pray is not wasted

Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Sleepless nights you creep inside of me

Paint your shadows on the breath that we share

You take more than just my sanity

You take my reason not to care.

No ordinary wings I'll need

The sky itself will carry me back to you

The things I dream that I can do I'll open up

The moon for you

Just come down soon

The time that I've taken

I pray is not wasted

Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking

But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of

One sweet love.

Savor the sorrow to soften the pain sip on

The southern rain

As I do, I don't look don't touch don't do anything

But hope that there is a you.

The earth that is the space between,

I'd banish it from under me...to get to you.

Your unexpected love provides my solitary's

Suicide...oh I wish I knew

The time that I've taken

I pray is not wasted

Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking

But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of

One sweet love.

2010-05-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

be still. . .

even as you feel
the waves coming towards you,
even as the water
reaches your chin
and you feel the pull
of the ocean beneath you

hold still. . .

don't thrash around
your sudden movements
would only draw you deeper
you would only feel more trapped

do not resist. . .

you are fighting
a losing battle
against the current
threatening to carry you
far away from
your comfort zone
your safe haven

i'm not gonna let you drown. . .

i'll pull you up
each and every time
i won't let you sink
if i do, i'll plummet with you
i'm not gonna let you go. . .

just promise you'll hold on to me. . .

i'm not gonna let you go

2010-05-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

you're probably sleeping now. . .
i wonder how it feels
to lie next to you
feel your warmth
watch your chest
rise and fall in a rhythm
that would probably
soothe me, calm me
look with envy
as the moonbeams touch
your face, as if highlighting it,
chasing the worries,
giving way to the innocence
reflected in your slumber

i wish i could
wrap my arms around
your fragile shoulders
hold you close
whisper softly, the nightmares
won't come tonight dear
i'll keep you steady

i don't think i could
join you as you rest
i would be too busy
listening to your heartbeat
is it as fast as mine?
no i won't even blink
i'll just wait for
morning to come

you love mornings.

as much as i would have
loved sleeping next to you
waking up beside you
would feel so much better

i hope your perfect sunrise includes me. . .

2010-05-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

infant,

it's 3:30 am

i should be sleeping

i have read, re-read, and yeah gone over all the lines i wrote.
it still did not sound right.
not that i did not know what to say.
i knew all along.
i just did not know how to say them.
without sounding condescending, or patronizing.
without making you ill with cheesyness and all that crap.

you are the one i always wanted.
the one i wished for.
who i bothered whoever it is up there just to ask him to give you to me.
the one i lost.
who found me again.
who i do not know what i would do should i lose again.

i know i am not perfect
not even in the same zip code, or country, or whatever.
but i foolishly wish i were
maybe if i am you would just stay there.

you are not different.
being different means you can be compared to someone or something else.
you can't be.
you are the only one of your kind.

i'm sorry.
i am supposed to be good at this
but i just turned real bad.
i am wide awake at almost 4 am thinking of ways
to get you to see that you are unlike anyone else i have come across with.

maybe i should stop.
i love you.
and i will love you, the best way i know how.
do not ask me why, do not ask me how long.

i just do.
deal with it.

2010-05-25T10:24:00.000-07:00

i have answered the question why me.

and now for a follow up on that;

why you? i have answered that too. i know you still remember what i said. all i said.

there was one observation though, that had me stumped (i was supposed to do the stumping, not you, and then you left and went to bed, grrrrr hahahaha).

you were right. i have loved others before and after you. i have loved them all with the same passion. i only know one way to love and that is without holding back. without any doubt. with all that i have. without any regret.

that does not mean they were all the same though. because although i had been consistent, each one of them had been different. each story i had been included in may have somewhat similar plots written with the same pen, but each one had been special. your word, different. i had the same hopes, i had some of the same thoughts, most even had similar endings. it's the role that i played that distinguishes one from the other.

with you i do not need to play a character.

i never had to. i was just this silly, weird, obsessive person that you somehow still claim to love. you make me think i can do no wrong, cause even if i did you will just look away. i cannot read you, you are the one who sees right through me. you wanna know who i am, everyone else just tries their luck at guessing, and i let them. you let me think i rattle you, when you are the one who unsettles me.

but you know what makes you really odd?

you, wanting to be mine. you, asking how to make me happy. you, wondering if you are good enough for me.

infant at that.

chicken even.

you know more about love than i do.

2010-05-24T21:22:00.000-07:00

infant,

still don't know what to do?

hahahaha. i love it when you are confused. nah i'm not smirking, not yet.

a few more rounds with you and maybe i will start to.

now what is so hard to understand?

that i love you? that i need you? that i would try and prove you wrong everytime you insist that you are not right for me?

this is not a game. i am not playing. this is my life and all i ever wanted is to make you a part of it. a huge one at that. what are you so afraid of? i am not going anywhere, you know. i said i'd stay and so i would. even if it has not been that easy. even when unconsciously you push me away. you can't brush me off. i just want that to be clear.

i am sorry if sometimes i make it difficult to love me. i am hard headed. i tease you too much. i try too hard. i wanna see you crack, just a bit so i could maybe come in. that is if you would let me. . . i wish so darn hard that you would let me.

i said earlier that i am scared too. it's true. everyday i feel you starting to slip, yet again. you very subtly pull away. i feel it. i feel you starting to separate inch by painful inch. am i getting tired? of the never ending cycle, of you hesitating, of me convincing, of you running and me trailing after you.

not yet.

i had a few years to regroup. i did not enjoy the time i had to spend away from you and so i am trying to avoid going back there. but you and i know, i can only do so much. . .

and then i would have to break.

i wish i don't have to. i wish you won't let me. i wish you would just give it a go.

i wish. . . i did not have to wish anymore.

2010-05-24T05:52:00.000-07:00

you can say what you want but it won't change my mind
i'd feel the same, about you
and you can tell me your reasons but it won't change my feelings
i'd feel the same, about you

chicken. . .

what is it about love that scares the shit out of most people?

is it the responsibility that comes with it? hmmmmmmm. . . maybe. you see, when someone loves you, you quickly assume that you have to give what you receive. in a perfect world it is safe to want that. let me ask you though, do we live in a perfect world?

nah. most definitely not. we only wish that we do. so what's my point? between two people in love who loves more or who gives less is not supposed to be an issue. we are not supposed to even keep track of what was sacrificed, what we got out of it or what was never offered. we are built differently and so my best might not neccessarily equal yours. you gave it your all though, that's what should matter.

is it the committment? you know what they say, it's easier to catch a rooster when it's pinned down (it's a filipino saying, i just translated it loosely). when you are with someone temptation always seem to be after you. you begin to question your choice, did i pick the best one?

of course, thinking you had a choice is what gets you in trouble. you never do. love picks you. and whomever was "fated" (i know you do not believe in all that but just humor me, it's my blog hahaha) to you is your best bet. someone else would always come. someone more beautiful, smarter, funnier but there would only be one person who's perfect for you. who might not be everyone's definition of the best but next to you, she makes the greatest sense.

is it failure? you have suddenly developed a super power that allows you to look into the future and you are certain that you won't make it. you turned psychic and so you are predicting that whatever you do it will never work out.

funny. i always say that nothing is certain. even nostradamus was not able to tell when he would die. so what makes you so sure that what you have or almost have will never last? everything is a risk. it's equal parts failure and success. if you do not even try because you are too terrified of failing, then that makes you foolish. at least give yourself a chance. give the other person a chance to prove you wrong.

i am not as brave as you think.

i am as scared of this as you are. maybe even more so because i have seen the view from the other side. i almost had you but you were swiftly snatched away. i've tasted defeat. it was bitter. i had been shattered. i have more to lose now than i have ever had before. . .

yet i am willing to jump in again. head first.

it's not gonna be a bed of roses. it would be wrong of me to assure you that it would be. it would be unfair to let you believe i know all the answers, i don't. . .

but maybe if you break free, we will find out?

so what do you say?

2010-05-20T11:06:00.000-07:00

why me?

out of everyone in the world, all 6 billion plus of them, why choose me?

i am nothing special. so ordinary it's bordering on boring. i do not have anything to offer that has never been offered before. i do not have movie star looks. i don't have an attitude that rocks. i am not that well-off. i'm no genius. i am no sir gallahad. i sin like everyone else.

but i'll. . .

make you smile, when you feel like it's the end of the world. make you laugh, at my mishaps and yours. hold your hand, my fingers will fit yours perfectly. let you cry on my shoulders. kiss you on the temple. hug you when you feel like it. watch over you when you sleep. pour you coffee in the morning. sit quietly and listen when you rant. tease you mercilessly. apologize when i may have done or said something wrong. admit my mistakes. point out your mistakes. butt heads with you but give in when i know you are right. watch your favorite tv show. go shopping with you and try not to complain too much. bully you. allow you to bully me sometimes. fight with you. make up with you. stare at the moon with you. walk with you on the beach and wait for the sun to rise. be beside you when you wake up. be proud of you. tell you, you are beautiful every single day.

i will love you fiercely.

even when you tell me you do not think you are worth it.

i will give you my heart. it ain't perfect. it is rough around the edges. but it will be yours. all of it. you can do with it what you want

all you have to do is take it. . .

go on and take it.

2010-05-20T01:43:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry it took so long

i was distracted =)

it's funny

how our roles changed

how different

how similar

like the phases

of the moon you

so revere

we follow a cycle

i'm still learning

the quirks

the nuances of the

new shoes i have to fill

in my solitude

you hug me

your arms stretch

far out to reach me

our lives will

forever be intertwined

like the movement

of the sea

you are the moon

i am the tide. . .

2010-05-19T22:40:00.000-07:00

ON GREAT LOVES

does it have to be one?

can it not be two or three or can it not be everytime you fall?

(maloloka ka nun malamang hahahaha) isa-isahin natin ha?

how do you define great? what are the parameters? does she have to look a specific way? act a specific way? do you have certain characteristics that are to be met? a set of criteria before one love could be categorized as "great"? more importantly, who defines great? do you? does she? or is it everyone else who determines if it is great or not? different strokes for different folks eh?

ok, for the nitty gritty. my view.

i do not think that there could be more than one great love.

it is called 'great' for a reason. kinda like "the ultimate" . there can only be one. a lot of people go through life and leave it without ever meeting "her" it would be too foolish to expect to find "her" twice, in one lifetime at that. of course i am not belittling the other loves that may come your way while waiting for the "great" one. there are no regular loves, each one is special, at least for me they are. the one thing that seperates your greatest from the other ones is probably its intensity. the amount of effort, of work, you are willing to exert. how much of yourself you are willing to give and the length of time it takes you to forget her, should your story end up in tragedy. that is, if you are capable of forgetting her. that's what makes it so hard. if it would take a lifetime to forget your one great love, how do you expect to find another one? see what i mean?

now, the age old question: have i met her?

hmmmmm. . .

yes. i have met her. a few years back. we met at a time when everything was a mess. life seemed to be moving faster than we were. everything was hazy. yeah, the timing was crazy. but these things are never planned. it always happens when you least expect it. the outcome would have to depend on how you would react. i guess i reacted poorly (hahahaha).

i lost her. even before we could begin, she walked away. i don't really blame her. the timing was off. it was no longer just between her and me, other lives were involved. the only way to come out of it was to cut everything off, a clean break. i have always understood what she did and why she did it. it was painful but i never hated her, i never could. she had her reasons.

and so i lost my one great love. i don't even know if we were given a fair chance. all i know is that although i would fall in love again (i'm easy, hahahaha), countless times, i would still have an empty spot that only she can fill. although i won't forever be empty, i never can be complete. whoever comes into my life, would always be compared to her. and even if we never meet again, she will always be with me, in me, all over me.

so does my story end here?

nah.

you see, i was very innocently browsing the net one time, and then i came across an invitation. yeah it was facebook, someone was asking permission to be added as my friend. i blinked once, twice, guess who it was?

she's back. my one great love. i do not know what's gonna happen. i do not have a clue what to do. the only thing i do know is that i am not gonna let her walk away again. no siree.

i'll keep you guys posted =)

2010-05-18T06:16:00.000-07:00

i should've forgotten about you by now.
how long has it been?
years. long, cold, empty years
that have dragged on and on

you left and i stayed
right there. . .
counting your steps till i can't see you anymore
i stayed and waited, someday. . .

you might realize you lost me
you might, one day, remember what it
was like to be loved by me
and feel the urge to go back

i wanna be there when it happens
sitting right there, i would look up
and you will be standing in front of me
that huge grin on your face as the years fall away. . .

welcome home dear
it took you quite a long time
but it's ok
you are here. . . nothing else matters

do not lose me again. . .

2010-05-13T12:23:00.000-07:00

i have to start writing again
but this time it should be about something other than you
i know this is my blog
i can spill my guts and nobody has the right to shut me up
but i am tired
of wringing my emotions
and converting them into words
that might mean something to you
i am all spent up
drained, empty
it is not your fault
i have constantly said that
i was the one who had everything mixed up
i got lost
i mistook fantasy and thought it was part of my reality
you were always clear, crystal
i was the one who muddled it
i am so sorry

so go on
stay happy
i should be writing a different story by now

but for the record
you did not break my heart. . .
i did all on my own

2010-05-13T11:25:00.000-07:00

i hate goodbyes.

i never learned how to say it. i do not know when to say it. more importantly, i have a very difficult time understanding why i have to say it. yeah, i know, i have abandonment issues (hahahaha).

i choke. i have never been the one to leave someone i love or loved. not when it hurts too much. not when i'm being played. not even when i am already numb. i wait. until she lets me go. until her guilt becomes too much to bear. until she can no longer hold on to me. weird,i know, but i'd rather be the one left behind. it's walking away from her that i can't stand. my tears will dry up. if someone cries because i said goodbye. . . that is something i just cannot handle.

i falter. i feel as if i am betraying her if i leave. i promised i'd be there as long as she needs me. as long as she wants me to be with her. i try to keep every promise i make. i do not make a lot and so the ones i said i would do, i never break. even when everyone else is begging me to just give up. even when quitting is more convenient. i stay. . . until she pushes me away.

i stammer. when asked why i have to say goodbye. i fumble. i run out of words. it might sound stupid and pigheaded but i never looked at walking away as an option. she was my air. for a time my world revolved around her. she was perfection, personified. she controlled my heartbeat. even when i close my eyes, she was the one i saw. how in the hell will i be able to turn my back on her?

impossible. . .

until she was the one who did the leaving. . .

so i had no other choice but to say goodbye. bid her farewell. hope that everything works out for her. put on a brave face and tell her i am happy for her.

i still don't like goodbyes. i still don't know how and when to say it. i don't think i will ever understand why i have to say it. . .

but for this purpose alone, i would pretend that it is a piece of cake. . .

goodbye.

2010-05-02T10:38:00.000-07:00

these things i'll never say. . .

and we are back. . .
to being so silent
did i say something wrong?
made another bad turn?
did i offend you in some way?
too eager? too hard headed?

i do not want
to get too used
to not speaking to you,
not being there for you
not caring, not thinking about you

i am so scared
that one day you won't
even remember i'm just here
that you'd forget
that i'm just waiting for you dear

have you slipped away?

i don't feel you anymore,
the one thing
i've always wanted. . .
i can't see you anymore. . .
i wanna run after you. . .

will you please stay right there
so i could maybe reach you
do not go anywhere,
i won't lose you,
i just cant, lose you, not yet. . .

2010-04-28T02:54:00.000-07:00

strong, rich, heady,
i've always loved
the smell of coffee

dark, mysterious
it could either soothe you
or scald you, burn your tongue

the bitterness
your bitterness
is so addicting

i still feel it
taste it, am still smitten
still craving it

this has got to stop. . .

i have got to stop. . .

but i don't think
i'll ever have
another cup
without thinking of you. . .

walking away now,
ever so slowly. . .

2010-04-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

pink,

hi there.
how was work?
pretty tiring?
yeah,probably it was.
by the way, me and the guys watched a movie tonight.
they had dinner first.
i was late and so i wasn't able to join them.
the movie was hilarious, this is the second time i have seen it
so i already knew the funny parts
i still laughed though, weird, i know.
then we had coffee
starbucks, high street
we couldn't find any coffee place that was open after 12 midnight
so we went all the way from megamall to taguig
all for the love of mocha frappe hahahaha.
then we talked, even when the guards started putting up
the "we are closed" sign.
even when they began arranging chairs, dedma hahahahaha
oh, we saw two celebrities, they sat right across from us
one was christine reyes, the other one was a guy
hmmmmmm, his name escapes me
i'll tell you once i remember.
yeah, it was a good night, relaxing.
so how did your night go?
i so wanna know.
i wish i could ask you
maybe you'll read this and tell me sometime.
anyway.
i miss talking to you pink.
just the usual stuff.
maybe one of these days we could sit down and do that again.
or you can drop me a note, or sumthin'
it's getting late, or should i say, it's actually early
i still have to go to work in a few hours.
keep safe.

i'll be seeing you. . .

2010-04-26T11:57:00.000-07:00

remember all the things we wanted, now all our memories they're haunted
we were always meant to say goodbye. . .

one of my least favorite topics is all about the ones who either broke my heart or those who might've left me bleeding. the thought of meeting with these people makes me sweat buckets. yeah, it is all in the past. and yes i am a different person now. better than when we were together, i think (not sure pa? hahahaha). so what am i afraid of?

am i terrified that when i bump into them all the old feelings would come rushing back? maybe. it is hard to push all the old emotions away and tuck them all neatly in a safe place where nothing can touch them. they will always be a part of me and yes, i may be afraid of opening old wounds. is my fear all about what i might blurt out should i run into one of them? perhaps. i might rehash old arguments and say something hurtful, but what scares me more is that i might say i missed them, or i still love them. that is plain stupid, i know, but i have tendencies. did i not inform you that i am certifiable (hahahahaha)?

i can't run away from them forever. i will probably see one of them atleast. so how do i deal?

there's this scene from a movie i just saw last friday. the exes saw each other for the first time after a long time. there was awkwardness, the usual stuff, empty hi's and how are you's. what i loved the most was what the girl said; 'i prepared my speech, i have replayed it on my mind over and over, what i would say, how i would act, in the end i just felt nothing. no sadness, no joy, no bitterness. just nothing. that's how i knew i have moved on' (of course it was said in filipino, i just got a bit creative with the lines hahahaha)

my point?

you can never tell exactly when you are ready to face your one time love turned nemesis. you can fake it, you can convince yourself that she does not affect you anymore, but in the end you would only know once you have her smack in front of you. if you meet her too soon, try not to say anything you might regret.

timing is everything. time heals all wounds. all you need is time. and yeah, time is gold, so don't waste too much of it sulking. have fun. get a hobby. you will be surprised to realize that one very unassuming day, while walking in the mall, the park or wherever it is you normally walk, you'll come face to face with her and just shrug it off (angas na, moved on na eh hahahahaha).

2010-04-25T08:01:00.000-07:00

pink(you will always be pink to me),

hi.
how have you been?
you keep saying you are ok whenever i ask, i hope you are really doin' great.
i know you have been through a whole lot
too much, too soon, i wish i could've done more for you
but you suddenly shut me out, shut everyone out.
i guess it's your way of coping.
you wanna rebuild everything that was destroyed.
your ego, your pride, your self esteem,
everything that was broken. . .
your spirit, your will, your heart. . .
and you have to do it all on your own.
it is a very long and ardous process,
but you are up for it, you are willing to work your damnest
your hardest so you can become whole again, full again.
i applaud you for that, i am amazed.
i knew you were brave, but what you are attempting is beyond courageous.
like what i keep telling you, i hope this works out for you.
scratch that, i know this will work out for you.
you are stonger than you think.
and in the off chance that you find it too difficult
in some parts, we are just around here somewhere
all you have to do is ask.
we are still friends right?
i know i told you that i wanted to be more than that,
i still do, however, i can still play the role of a friend if need be
i just wanted to remind you.
i'm sorry if lately i haven't said much.
i feel you need the quiet more than anything, atleast for now.
take your time, sometimes, it's all you need.
i'll just be right here.
you told me not to wait
that i have nothing to wait for
i have nothing else to do anyway.
maybe you'll change your mind,
then again, maybe you won't
a lot can happen between now and whenever it is that you'll become all better
i wanna still stick around.
okay?

i'll be seeing you.

2010-04-20T02:18:00.000-07:00

kate nash, you took the words right off my mouth . . .

The Nicest Thing lyrics

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you'd always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

2010-04-19T05:30:00.000-07:00

repost. . .

i hate you. . .

i hate your eyes
they pierce me
i hate your lips
they tempt me
i hate your words
they make me believe
feed me with
thoughts that
should never cross my mind
i hate your skin
it makes me wanna
crawl and stay underneath it
i hate your smile
it makes me think
of sunshine
i hate your scent
it makes me shiver
it makes me long
for warm summer nights
heated, passionate
your fingers caress me
as if i am yours

i hate that you are not mine

but what i hate most
is that i don't,
i can't. . .
hate you

2010-04-12T10:56:00.000-07:00

worn me down like a road, i did everything you told; worn me down to my knees, i did everything to please you, but you can’t stop thinking about her. . .

someone asked me earlier if i could justify continuing to love someone who obviously do not love me. i did not answer. no, it’s not that i did not know what to say. nor was it because i did not have a retort. i just chose to remain silent.

yeah me, silent.

that is something new right?

i never believed love could be explained much more justified. it is something felt, heard, seen, smelled, tasted. there are no words you can use to describe it. i have always sought the why’s out of everything but i am speechless when asked why i love. there are no textbooks that will tell you the reason for it. if someone will claim that they have an answer they are lying. flat out making up stuff.

which brings me to this point; why do i find it impossible to stop being in love with you?

i don’t even know why i do. how in the hell will i know how to un-love? am i doing this to piss you off? of course not. there are easier ways to do that. am i making it my mission to annoy you? definitely not. i want to be on your good side, if i make you despise me at times i’d like you to know that, that was never my intention. is it a game to me? hell no. i play to win, this match is too big for me there is not even a glimmer of hope that i’d come out on top on this one.

then why do i continue?

like i said i have no idea.

all i know is that i feel strongly about you. you have told me no, several times, i have tried to stop countless times, no such luck i’m afraid. what i want you to understand though is that, i am not asking you to love me back. that’s too tall an order for you, i know.

bunny spears, a good friend of mine said it best. loving is for the one feeling the emotion. don’t mistake it for me being selfless, it is actually the opposite. i am being selfish, i just wanna feel. and you, all you have to do is stand your ground. i will not attempt to break you. i might push hard but it is not to make you see things my way. i just want everything i feel to get out.

do not worry. i am human. i do get tired. i do bleed. i have a boiling point, i have an edge that when i get to i stop.

just stand where you are. i am so close to giving up. it will not be too long.

stand your ground, that is all i ask. . .

2010-03-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere?

sweaty palms. heart beating like crazy. can hardly breathe. can't eat. can't sleep. can't think. it's like you had an overdose of the happy pill. can't stop smiling. you daydream all day. life has meaning again. everything is colorful once more. you sing to yourself. or whistle an off beat tune. you are floating. soaring. you are invincible. . .

ahhhhh. . . to be in love again. such a wonderful feeling. everything is great. nothing can ruin your mood. you can take on the world and think that you'd win. it is so easy, too easy. that's why everyone wants to fall in love. the idea of love is too splendid to pass up. and when it is right, everything falls into place. no more worries, atleast for the first few months, just pure unadulterated joy.

rewind.

this is what happens if you fall in love and they end up loving you back

but what if, you fall alone? is it still as wonderful?

for the first part, i guess so. what i described on the first paragraph applies to you too. the awe, the majesty. until you realize that you are on your own. happiness is multiplied when shared, if you don't have anyone to share it with it diminishes. of course people will crucify me and argue that, what the heck, you can still find fulfillment by your lonesome. i couldn't agree more. you can. i never said you couldn't. but falling in love with no one to love you back. . . that's what makes you lonely.

still there are those who started falling together and in the middle of everything one stopped and the other travelled love's path on her own. still blinded by the first rays of dawn's promise they failed to notice that somewhere along the way their mate made a stopover and refused to walk again.

so what am i driving at?

if you are at a crossroad, between staying and moving on, ask the question, 'am i in this alone?' am i loving as hard as i can while she is busy doing something else? am i giving it my all while she is saving all she has for god knows who? again, i don't mean to imply that you should force your partner to give as much as you do. they don't have to, but, knowing that they atleast exert effort is more than enough. do you see any future should you stay, or would it be better to just switch paths and start over?

without love, it is lonely. and so we crave it. we search everywhere for it. others lie in wait, some take action but always, we always wish we could have it.

i wish i could have it. . .

but i also know that wishing and hoping is worlds different from actually having it. i could remain my hard headed self and force the issue. maybe she'll see it my way. maybe one day she'll wake up and find out she has learned to love me back. . .

stupid. i know. i never believed love can be learned. it should spring from you. you have to know it right then and there. it's either you feel it or you don't. if you don't you never will. . .

so, should i go then? i know what the answer is. i just don't think i can do it.

not today.

2010-03-29T06:12:00.000-07:00

to pink on her 26th birthday

i envy your tears
as they course down
your silken cheeks
tracing the intricate
path i long to touch,
as each salty drop
reaches your full lips
the tip of your tongue
darts out to catch
a stray one, and i
hold my breath

the rain maddens me
as it sprays tiny driblets
that hit your
upturned face
flowing steadily
water mixes with each
crystal bead,
it covers your weeping
to an onlooker it
will seem as though
you are worshipping the mist
taking pleasure
as it wipes away
your worries
cleanses you
it could inundate
half the earth
but it still won't
wash away your pain

the wind whips your
dress around and
it frustrates me
it hugs you in a
way i've always dreamed
i could, invisible
yet as tight as
any arms would ever do
such dainty figure
amid the raging storm
it looks as though
they could break you
unhinge you, fracture you

i am jealous of
what makes you ache
you hold it closer
than i could ever reach
you keep it deeper
than i could ever fathom
i can only look on, a quiet
spectator, as you bleed
i am brimming in anger
as i can only watch you shatter

2010-03-29T03:02:00.000-07:00

my feet have broke free, and i am leaving i'm not gonna stand here feeling lonely but, i won't regret this and i won't think this was just a waste of time. . .

i am real sorry.

i said i would not fall for you, atleast not yet. i said i would stay away from you, as far away as my feet could carry me. i also vowed to not let you in, under my skin. i failed on all respects.

could you blame me?

i wanted to be cool, act as if you don't have a hold on me. if i see you, then great, if i don't oh well, too bad. but one word from you and i always come running. wherever i am, be it a cab ride away or 4 hours cooped up in a bus, i always, always find a way to be there should you need me. i infuriate you at times, i make you so darn irritated that you can't help but reprimand me. i apologize if sometimes i go over the top. you are important to me, and i don't ever want you to think otherwise.

for your part, you tried to be as careful as you can. with the words you say, how you say them, when you say them. but even the most innocent touch, or smile, i still find meaning in them. again, it is not your fault, i only have me to blame. it was not your intention to lead me on, you never led, i marched forward all on my own. you never encouraged me, you did not have to, i was in love, every little thing you did was not viewed as regular, since you were too special to me i had this stupid notion that i am too, sadly i am not. i always knew that, but you know me, i am the most hopeless of all romantics.

there was no miscommunication, you were crystal clear from the get go. you wanted a friend, i figured you needed more, and god have i ever been more way off? i should've listened to you when you said maybe. i should have felt the rejection everytime you faced the other way, i should've tasted the bitter end, everytime i kissed you goodbye. but i was oblivious. you were all i saw, tasted, felt, heard, smelled. it was as if i was addicted. you were my addiction.

i said i cannot settle. i have to be number one. i have to be the only one. and boy i tried so damn hard not to fall for someone who can never catch me with both hands, yours were full. so i refused to jump. . . i really tried.

and then you smiled. . . (hahahahaha) you might never believe it but it was what got me hooked. and yeah your scent. did i ever tell you how beautiful you are? i did? just don't ask me why. it would take me years to explain, and even then i can only attempt. i wish i could've been the one to wipe the sadness from your eyes. . . oh well.

and so, as the story goes, i jumped. and you weren't there. i predicted that your rejection would be the one that would sting the most, and yeah it did, it does.

it would be a very long and lonely trek up. back where i was before i foolishly ignored all warnings and let myself go. before i had this foolish idea that i could fly, or if i can't someone would rescue me. i have to start walking soon. . .

in a little while, i might. . .

2010-03-23T03:10:00.001-07:00

be careful what you wish for. . .
'cause you just might get it

when was a kid, i mostly wished for stupid stuff. i wish my mom would bring home chocolates. my dad would suddenly feel the urge to get me toys. my asthmatic sister would finally be able to tolerate dogs. my kid sister would stop bugging me. aunts and uncles would stop pinching me (i know i was a cute kid but hey, it stings hahahaha). i could see santa claus or atleast a raindeer but it has to be rudolph. every birthday, i close my eyes and silently utter my wish for that moment. usually they come true (my mom bought most of them). but i didn't know that then and so i had always been a firm believer of its powers

growing up, the wishes had been less and less. when i started school i mostly just wanted high grades. just enough friends, i did not want to be in the popular,circle, i was fine in the "normal" group. not too many assignments. and yeah the occasional wish for storms, so that class could be suspended (hehehehe). sometimes they come true, more often than not they didn't but i still believed that someone was probably listening to me and was trying to give me atleast part of what i asked for.

now i rarely even bother to wish.

did i turn cynic over the years?

nah. i think i just grew up. and learned that it is better to stop wishing and just work to get what i wanted. to not put my dreams in fate's hands and just do it my way. there are things that even i do not have a say in but for those that i can control, i do not need to wish. for fear of hoping and having it crushed.

if i fail on my own i only have me to blame. i stopped trusting luck, or destiny and all that crap. i do everything i can, put in all the effort i could manage and if i still don't get what i wanted it's probably not for me. i do not wanna wish anymore. i cannot start wishing again. . .

i wish i can, not wish for you.

i am slowly starting to. . .

2010-03-22T12:58:00.000-07:00

should i give up, or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere?

when do you know it's time to call it quits?

is it something you see?

every tiny change, the shrug you cannot interpret. the way she squirms when you ask her why she came home late. is it when you notice that she cannot look you in the eye anymore? could it be when you rarely see her anymore,work, family, friends are all taking much of her time? or do you wait till you never see her at all?

is it something you hear?

her heartbeat is no longer as fast as it was whenever she sees you. the sound of irritation when you ask too many questions. is it the angry words, the deafening voices sputtering curses or is it when all there is left is silence? when you rarely hear her say i love you, i miss you, i am so sorry or do you wait till there are no more words?

is it something you can smell?

an unfamiliar scent when you wrap your arms around her. her fear. the rank odor of betrayal. your fear.

can you taste it?

the bitterness in her lies. her kiss, a flavor you'v e never used. her frustration. the tears freely runing down your cheeks, their saltiness. your frustration.

or do you just feel it?

the coldness of her lips. the embers of passion losing its fire. each missed caress. the absence of her warmth when she lies next to you. do you have to wait till you get numb?

so when do you say it's over then?

my rule? when the pain outweighs the fun. when i cry more than she makes me smile. when i have grown up and she hasn't. when i question why i still stay. when i have forgotten how to care.
when all i can think about is walking away, cutting the ties that bind us.

just before i begin to hate her. . .

2010-03-22T11:41:00.000-07:00

i am sorry pink.

i have been trying to write something, anything, that might dazzle you.
make you smile. make you feel better. make it less awkward. and finally even get just the slightest reaction from you. i don't even remember how many drafts i made. all of them were not good enough. i can't seem to think when your face keeps popping in my head every five minutes. yeah i am distracted. you distract me without even trying.

do not ask me why, i don't even have a clue.

all that i really know right now. . .

is that i miss you calling me blue

2010-03-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

if we met
on a different time
a different place
a not so complicated setting
would you have
went on and fallen for me?

had you been free
had there been no distractions
had the story
started when you were
still just on your own
would you have thought about it?

if you knew i was coming
would you have waited for me?
or is all of these just
me thinking wishfully?

i could go ahead
and walk the other way
if you ask me to stop
i could pretend to not care
and so right now
what i really wanna know
is that, would you come to me
once you have learned to let her go?

2010-03-19T09:26:00.000-07:00

I’m caught between goodbye and I love you,
never knowing quite where I stand. . .

i was with some of my friends in a bookstore once, we were looking at book titles and stuff. we were laughing at some of the topics until one book caught my eye. i don't even remember what it was called, what drew me to it though was the way the author classified the types of people and how they fall in love. i was under the heading "forbidden apple"

it was explained that my type won't go for a person unless they were either taken or really really out of my league. quite accurate that it sent me goosebumps. the harder the situation is, the more i get drawn to it. like i said in my previous posts, i am a sucker for lost causes. not that i enjoy the chase, the challenge, it's more of my being hard headed and yeah, my being defiant. i love that word. a non conformist, a trailblazer, i wanna prove people wrong when they tell me it can't be done. my track record would reveal that it's people 3 and reg 0. i have never won, but that has never stopped me before. . .

then why is it making me rethink my stand now?

ok, i'll give you a brief introduction to my current dilemma. it's about a girl, well it always is. i can't say her name, although i am 99.99% sure she won't read this, she has other blogs to check, mine is not included in her list. for now, we'll call her pink.

i like pink. she's beautiful, and sweet, and warm, and tough, and sensitive, and she smells so good i wish it was all i am allowed to breathe in. she excites me. she questions my opinions. she infuriates me. she makes me adore her one minute and then makes me wanna strangle her the next moment. oh, and, yeah, she has a girlfriend.

again.

of all the people i meet everyday, i just went in and picked the one i probably won't ever have. there is no way in hell she'll just wake up one morning and suddenly realize that she's better off with me. there is no point in thinking she just might go ahead and decide to stop loving her girlfriend. because i know, everybody knows, that they go way back. they were good friends for a long time before they fell in love and decided to be together.

yep. odds are stacked up against me, as always.

i used to like things this way. it makes me try harder. it makes my blood run wild. it makes my heart beat faster. it makes me feel alive. i have never backed down from an epic battle such as this one. . .

but now i am the one who's afraid.

i used to not care what the ending would be. as long as i fought the good fight, even if it turns out a disaster i'm ok with it. the struggle, how i dealt with it, how i tried to weather the storm, how i reacted had always been the most important thing. the casualties (i am usually the biggest one), have always been just that, casualties. it never bothered me before, if i won or lost , as long as i did what i had to do. the end justifies the means right? how i got there was never the question, what i got out of it is what is usually the best part.

i am shaking in my boots right now.

i have never been afraid of falling in love, i usually embrace it. damn the consequences. as long as i have shown whomever it is that i love at that point what i felt for them, i have already won. i am as afraid of rejection as any other person but i have always been more afraid of not knowing what could've happened if i had only put myself out there.

but right now i am so terrified that i can't even look you in the eye for fear you would see what you cannot know.

i am scared of you. out of everyone i had ever fallen for, you are the only one who has the potential to break me. so much that i would probably be unrecognizable for a time. your rejection would probably be the one that would sting the hardest. you turning away from me would probably be the memory that would haunt me the most. . .

and so right now, the person who never backed away from anything that had been deemed impossible is slowly walking away. the person whose hand had been slapped countless times and never minded is pulling her hand back. the one who swore to explore all options, any possible work around is choosing to just keep all doors locked.

i am choosing not to say anything.

i am choosing not to complicate your life any further.

i am choosing to just stay where i am. . . if you come to me i might change my mind. . .

but until then. . . we'll talk then.

2010-03-01T05:23:00.000-08:00

smile for me,
one last time
i wanna see the twinkle
in your lovely eyes
that turn to just tiny slits
everytime you beam

let me hear that
familiar laugh
like a kid
not a care in the world
free, unrestrained

hold my hand again
will you?
you don't have to twine
your fingers with mine
i just wanna feel you
touch me again

can i wrap my arms
around your fragile shoulders?
fill my head with your
warm, overpowering scent
before i have to let go
of you for good. . .

yes. . .
betrayal is indeed a bitch

2010-02-22T22:57:00.000-08:00

i have been busy
pushing all thoughts of you
away, far, far away
filling my head
with random details
that may occupy the places
where you have always been,
trying to replace
every memory i have kept
carefully tended, artfully hidden
so that one day
someone else can come
and fill, or rather, try to fill,
(as no one can really
be who you were to me)
the gaping hole you have left

for a bit i kinda gotten used
to it, have embraced it as
part of my soul, the emptiness
the void, i have carried it,
been resigned to the fact
that it will always be there
(at least you will always have
that part of me as a souvenir
of sorts)
it will always have the
sole power to haunt me,
keep me up at night,
keep me company (i have grown
attached to it, actually)

but now i think
it has finally ran it's course
and though i still have
doubts that i am capable
of totally erasing you
and all that you represent,
i have to try

step one. . .

2010-02-08T08:42:00.000-08:00

i. . .
can't help it
i'm drawn to you
like the tides are helpless
against the pull of
the glorious moon

i . . .
am defenseless
as an innocent child
unthinkingly succumbing
to your unconscious charm,
your flippant smile

i. . .
against all odds
hold on to you
so afraid you might
slip right through my
clumsy little fingers

and fall, ever so gently
or drift, ever so casually
towards another's lap
where i can never get you back
however hard i try,
however desperate i become

you are the dream
i have so longingly chased,
the one wish,
i would've given anything
to finally have. . .

i. . .

2010-01-25T08:31:00.000-08:00

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies."

settle; to render quiet; to still; to calm;

i have always hated that word, settle. add down to it and we'll be at war. it's not that i am afraid to commit, not that i can't be loyal to one person alone, and neither is it any fear of becoming stale. nope, it's not those, it's just that something about that word infuriates me, kinda strangles me till i'm at a loss for air. why the strong reaction? i'll tell you in a bit. . .

to render quiet. now, quiet is nice right? no disturbances, no noise, one says go, you go, one says stay you stay, sit, roll over, play dead? hahahaha, kinda like a trained pet? yeah, my point exactly. in a lot of ways, quiet is good, in fact we all seek quiet sometimes, but quiet allthroughout? nah, just not my thing.

to still. ever seen a spinning top suddenly put to a stop? it careens, it does not automatically halt, if it is stopped abruptly it spins out of control. very similar to someone so used to being carefree, speaking her mind, not leashed, untamed, suddenly you put a rein on her and what do you think would happen? yeah she'll struggle, she'll try to break free, pull away, fight until she is so tired, and then she settles.

to calm. like a raging storm. it's meant to be watched, in awe. how a tempest could flatten even the most sturdy tree is a mystery to me, it was meant to stay a mystery. to attempt to calm it is madness.

my point?

to me settling implies giving in. it connotes raising your hand in surrender, it signifies defeat, i can't do anything about it anymore and so i settled. like i had no other choice. most times settling also indicates that there should have been something better but you were not able to reach it and so you just accepted what it was that you can. ever heard the question, why settle for less if you can have more? do i need to even elaborate?

maybe some people embrace settling, it is safe, steady, predictable. if you can tell what will happen, if you know what to expect, then it's less disappointments, less heartbreaks. i understand the need to protect one's self, i did that a few times. the desire to veer away from the chaos, the mess, to be the one in total control is indeed very tempting. you have to realize though, that life is never neat, orderly, cut and dried. it is never black and white, it's gray most of the time. to be disillusioned that you can arrange it in a way that suits you by settling is a huge mistake.

there are those who look at settling as accepting their fate. it's what life threw at them and so they have to agree that it's what they deserved. no attempt to fight, or even argue, struggle a bit, no, they are convinced that there is no alternative. that's crap. you always have a choice. the easy way or the hard way, the tried and tested, or the adventurous path, to stop at a barricade or to go around it, find another way.

but the ones that i pity the most are those who were wild and unrestrained for the first quarter of their lives who suddenly lost their drive. got bitten, was hurt at one point, or just lost any hope of finding someone else to run wild with them and so they ended up relinquishing their might and yeah, settling.

a wise man once told me that there are too many mediocre things in life and that love should not be one of them. i don't think there are any truer words.

some people believe that we reincarnate, that we are supposed to live multiple lifetimes. until someone can prove to me that we indeed do, i would approach mine as though i only have this one to live. and i, most certainly, won't spend it settling.

2010-01-16T01:46:00.000-08:00

"i'm thinking of going back to being straight. . ."

i was talking to a friend of mine the other day and this was her opening statement. i sat there, right in front of her dumbfounded. she had to almost shake me so i would speak again. when i finally did, there were only five words i could utter, "will that make you happier?" it was her turn to shut up for a few minutes. afterward, she only smiled, a small smile, as if in deep thought.

really now, will switching sides make your life better?

will attempting to become "normal" make you any happier?

is it even possible to "switch sides", change preferences, be "straight" when you know you really are not?

which two sides am i talking about? not the right or the wrong side, although, more often than not people tag it as that. neither are they the dark or the light side, although, again, most people equate them with that. it's not the good and the bad side, i have heard them labeled as such but i refuse to believe in that.

so which sides am i talking about?

the straight (and narrow, hehehe) and the homosexual (lesbian, gay, faggot, butch, dyke and whatever slanderous and oftentimes harsh words they use to label such people). these are the two opposite poles that i am describing.

so, is it possible to be born on one side, later on figure out that you are supposed to be on the other side and then one very, unassuming day realize that you want to go back to your old side? we could debate on and on but here is my two cents' worth, it is possible to want to switch, in fact you can think about it as often as the thought pops up, but thinking about it, and being able to really do it, those are two very different things.

a lot of people would argue that it is a choice. one you can make whenever you are ready. like a plan that you can stick to. something you can discipline yourself into accepting, living with, growing old with.

i think not. . .

yes, i believe in choices, i believe in controlling your future, altering your outcome. but there are things that even the strongest person will never be able to hold in the palm of his/her hand and manipulate, much more, understand. why you love someone, that's pretty hard to explain, but what's even harder is how to define who you love.

more importantly, who defines it?

happiness is a choice.

will you choose to be normal, or would you choose to stand out? would you opt to live a quiet life, or would you rather have a life that is complicated, a bit loud, at times topsy turvy but always, always filled with excitement? would you want to conform, or would you prefer to defy? will you let society run you, dictate who you are, who you want, who wants you, or would you rather take your life by the horns and run with it?

yeah, happiness is a choice, but it is not a question of who you choose. you cannot choose your side, you are born to it. you are either one thing or the other. of course you are open to confusion, but in the end, you will always be able to recognize which team you truly belong with. where you are most comfortable with, where you can be yourself with.

ultimately, these are your options. would you choose to be happy, live your life as you want it, be who you are supposed to be. or would you rather choose to pretend to be happy, watch while your life passes by, be who others think you should be?

tough, i know, but is anything ever simple?

2009-12-26T23:56:00.001-08:00

i wish i could just. . .

stop.

close my eyes and drive
all thoughts of you aside
walk a few thousand miles away,
keep the threatening tears at bay

if only i could just. . .

stop.

pretending that someday
you'd choose to be with me, you'd stay
thinking that i could
include you in my world

if only i knew how to. . .

stop.

myself from falling for you
over and over again,
my soul from crushing
everytime you turn away again

you are my lost cause. . .

if i only had the heart
to finally say. . .

stop.

2009-11-30T07:00:00.000-08:00

can i keep you?
have i dazzled you yet?
is it enough, all that i've said?
no? not yet?

catch your fancy,
have i done that already?
i certainly hope so,
no? not yet?

could it be that i have made you
happy, warmed you, enthralled you,
influenced you, made you adore me, caused you to
need me, long for me, miss me?

crept, little by little, into your
heart, made a place for me
inched my way, slowly, silently
nicely, smoothly, removed most of your barriers?

could it be that i am just dreaming
harboring another unlikely thought, just wishfully thinking?
i know i won't be who i hope i can be
never, ever, i won't reach you. . .

all i can do is teach myself
to finally get that,
i have to,
i ought to

2009-09-28T02:06:00.000-07:00

to her, she would never get to read this anyway. . .

i may never know
how or why
i fell as hard
as i did for you

if i close my eyes
and block every thought of you
if i keep my mind
from straying towards you
if i wipe your
sweetness from my lips
erase every memory we ever made
remove every trace
of longing, of wanting
the teasing, the haunting
if i fail to remember
the sound of your laughter
then maybe i'll be fine

for a little while
a fraction of a second
i really thought i was alright
i am okay, i have moved
away from you, i really did

but one look
and i am hooked again
one mention of your name
and i am floored again
i smell your hair
and i'm reeling again
i am floating again,
one smile
and i'm certain. . .

you, once more
have me under your spell. . .

oh well, :)

2009-09-28T01:33:00.000-07:00

i would love to make you mine. . .

without doubt,
an ounce of fear
no more questions
no confusions,
no more pretention
if anyone asks
i can freely, gladly
say yes, i am hers

i so want to make you mine. . .

amid the pleading
and endless bleeding
the bargaining
my willingness to commit
your inability to admit
that somewhere along
the muddled lines
you have thought of it too
it would have been flattering
although at times it had been maddening

i would have made you mine. . .

if i knew it was what you wanted
if only you could say
i can be all you ever wanted
if only i could give more
if i can be all what you live for

i would have made you mine. . .
if it were that simple
i could have made you mine

2009-09-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

and who do you want instead?

whose arms would you
rather enfold you?
whose lips would you rather
trace with your fingertips?
whose scent would you
want to be breathing in
instead of his?

when he runs his hands
through each silken strand
each touch, each sound,
whose smile would you have
traded everything for?
whose name would you
have rather whispered?

are you more guilty
that you are dreaming
of lying with someone else
or is the bigger crime
your inability to admit
that you have indeed fallen

for someone other than
the person who so
lovingly, trustingly
engulfs you in his embrace

when you close your eyes dear,
tell me, who do you picture?

i know it's not me. . .

you did not have to wish,
never had to dream
i was there,
just there. . .

i guess it's not me

2009-09-10T20:26:00.000-07:00

i haven't written anything in almost a month. . .
have i lost my "mojo"?
i don't know, maybe a bit?
the drive to create something that might influence, entertain or maybe even touch someone else, did it fade?
or maybe i just ran out of topics, feelings, emotions to scrutinize?
i'll take the latter,that is a bit more acceptable than the first two reasons, i think (hehehe)
it's not that i have become numb in the last few weeks, it's not that i have been drained of every single thought, it's not that i have grown coward, scared of facing some inescapable truths so to speak.
i probably just did not know where to start. . .

i still dont.

that never stopped me before, why would it stop me now?

so where do i begin?

let's start at the end shall we?

yeah, the inevitable end.

in a few weeks i'll say goodbye to a lot of things, people that i have treasured, kept as close to my heart as i possibly can. i'll bid farewell to what had been a huge part of me, my everyday, my routine, my comfort zone.

i am not good at closing doors, i almost always just run away with the door half ajar because i can never get myself to firmly shut it, properly turn away, put an ending to anything i have ever started, i'm scared of not giving myself atleast a small crack where i can still very discreetly crawl into once the reality of leaving slowly creeps in.

i find solace in the thought that should it be too scary for me to walk on and search for a new adventure i could still go back, resume my old life, it always waits for me to continue where i left off. . .

not this time

this time when i leave there would be no turning back

whoever, whatever i'm turning my back on, i know would start turning away from me as well, the minute i bid farewell. no more indecisiveness, i have to be firm, as they would be as cold hearted as i would have to be. whatever i choose to back away from, would very slowly back away from me too. whomever i let slip from my grasp would slowly let go of my hand as well. and as they fade, become a part of my history, i too would very painfully become just another memory. . .

a trinket, like a photograph that captured a tiny bit of moment

one we all can never go back to, but on really, really, cold nights, i hope they could bring me warmth. i hope i have stored enough of you guys that i might never totally forget

i am so scared to not remember. . .