what if i leave,
would you notice?
if one day you can't find me
can't see me, can't feel me
would it matter?
if you realize
that i'm lost
will you look for me?
search very nook
sweep every cranny
leave no stone unturned
will you never stop
till you find me?
will you even try?
if i don't turn up
will you worry?
will you think i gave up
beat yourself up
'cause you let me slip away?
would you feel
devastated, lacking
like something has been
ripped from you
taken, forced away

will it pierce your soul
knowing i'm no longer there,
or would it be
just like an ordinary day?

i told you i wasn't perfect
i told you i might
unknowingly, unintentionally
hurt you
i knew you might break me
turn me inside out
unknowingly, unintentionally
break me
you warned me
i warned you
but still i went ahead
i didn't know how to stop,
if i can stop,
if i should stop
just give up?
quit while i was ahead,
was i ever ahead?
cut the chord
while there is still life in me?
forget everything
move forward
not looking back?

i don't know if i can
i know that i don't want to
i'm staying right here
right where you are
i am in love with you
whether you believe that or not
i'm staying
you can't push me away

in the after glow
everything changes
the shadows lose their mystique
the comforting darkness
opens up to the world
my safe haven
sheds its shield
i'm like a newborn
defenses missing
all that haunts me in the cloak of night
i can face now
all that used to bring me solace
escapes me now
everything loses their meaning
gains a new one
the softness
gives way to roughness
the dreaming stops
reality begins

in the harsh light of morning
i examine my innermost thoughts
i feel what's in my heart
yep, it's still there
im in love with you still. . .

cool. calm. confident. these are the things i ought to be. i'm trying here, i just don't know if i have it in me to stay so detached.

cool. as a cucumber maybe. i have to stay unfazed. unmoved by everything that has been happening and will be happening to me and more importantly to you. i have to maintain an air of coolness, like i wouldn't falter if placed in a crowded room and you're in the middle, while everyone's trying to go for you i should just stay where i am standing, watching, waiting.

calm. waiting for you to make the first move. as i stare and pretend that it doesn't bother me. i'm calm you see, i won't move an inch. although in reality i'm dying to reach out to you. i have to feign control when inside i'm raging to break free. run to you, take you away. . .

confident. enough to believe that you won't look the other way. enough to think that no matter what he does, what they do, you'll still choose to be with me. enough to assume, yes assume, that you are trying too, i'm not in this alone, you're part of this too.

i have to pretend that i'm just cruising along, no worries at all. i don't know if i can, i'm not built this way. but for your sake, for my sanity's sake i'll try, even if it kills me i'll just smile

the mischievous smile
like you are up to something slightly bad
the saucy grin
like you are ready to tease me yet again

the squinting eyes
trying to read into me
the sinister smirk
when i stupidly say something i shouldn't have

the fearsome glare
when you're out for blood (mine usually hahahaha)
the squaring of your shoulders
when you're trying to make a point

the somber frown
the slight air of annoyance
the way you play with your mouth
the deep concentration as you put your make-up on

the raised eyebrow
the endless why's
your inquisitive mind
the sarcasm

the silent pain
hidden behind your beautiful eyes
the unshed tears
ensconed on such strong mask

some of the things that i miss about you
i wish i could keep all of them locked inside a special trunk, so i could relieve them over and over, maybe then i won't yearn for you as much

i'm scared. . .
i hate to admit it but i am
i'm shaking in my boots
my heart's beating so fast i can hardly breathe

uncertain?
no, not at all
i've never been more sure
i want you, i need this, this is not what i'm afraid of

what terrifies me
is that i might not be what you need
what keeps me up at night
is that i might not be all you want me to be

i might fall short
i might break you
i might not be enough
i might cause you more pain

all i ever wanted was to be everything for you
now i am so afraid that ultimately i might just ruin you

But if your heart is cold, my sheets are warm.
I will shelter you through the storm.
I will shelter you all through the storm. . .


honey could you come here a moment
let me dry your eyes, let me hold you close
let me try to clear your head
of the ghosts that have constantly haunted you

could you lean on me a bit
just rest your head on my shoulder for some time
close your eyes, try to rest
i'll watch over you tonight

can i hold your hand in mine a while?
plant a kiss on your forehead, just one
whisper softly in your ear
they're gone now dear, i've chased them far away, atleast for today

i know, this is like trying to put band aid
to a wound that was ripped open bleeding, aching
i know this is just a pit stop
to the treacherous journey ahead, i know that

but atleast for a few precious hours you are safe
we'll think about tomorrow some other time, for now just lie down, i'll look after you