i am sorry pink.

i have been trying to write something, anything, that might dazzle you.
make you smile. make you feel better. make it less awkward. and finally even get just the slightest reaction from you. i don't even remember how many drafts i made. all of them were not good enough. i can't seem to think when your face keeps popping in my head every five minutes. yeah i am distracted. you distract me without even trying.

do not ask me why, i don't even have a clue.

all that i really know right now. . .

is that i miss you calling me blue

if we met
on a different time
a different place
a not so complicated setting
would you have
went on and fallen for me?

had you been free
had there been no distractions
had the story
started when you were
still just on your own
would you have thought about it?

if you knew i was coming
would you have waited for me?
or is all of these just
me thinking wishfully?

i could go ahead
and walk the other way
if you ask me to stop
i could pretend to not care
and so right now
what i really wanna know
is that, would you come to me
once you have learned to let her go?

I’m caught between goodbye and I love you,
never knowing quite where I stand. . .

i was with some of my friends in a bookstore once, we were looking at book titles and stuff. we were laughing at some of the topics until one book caught my eye. i don't even remember what it was called, what drew me to it though was the way the author classified the types of people and how they fall in love. i was under the heading "forbidden apple"

it was explained that my type won't go for a person unless they were either taken or really really out of my league. quite accurate that it sent me goosebumps. the harder the situation is, the more i get drawn to it. like i said in my previous posts, i am a sucker for lost causes. not that i enjoy the chase, the challenge, it's more of my being hard headed and yeah, my being defiant. i love that word. a non conformist, a trailblazer, i wanna prove people wrong when they tell me it can't be done. my track record would reveal that it's people 3 and reg 0. i have never won, but that has never stopped me before. . .

then why is it making me rethink my stand now?

ok, i'll give you a brief introduction to my current dilemma. it's about a girl, well it always is. i can't say her name, although i am 99.99% sure she won't read this, she has other blogs to check, mine is not included in her list. for now, we'll call her pink.

i like pink. she's beautiful, and sweet, and warm, and tough, and sensitive, and she smells so good i wish it was all i am allowed to breathe in. she excites me. she questions my opinions. she infuriates me. she makes me adore her one minute and then makes me wanna strangle her the next moment. oh, and, yeah, she has a girlfriend.

again.

of all the people i meet everyday, i just went in and picked the one i probably won't ever have. there is no way in hell she'll just wake up one morning and suddenly realize that she's better off with me. there is no point in thinking she just might go ahead and decide to stop loving her girlfriend. because i know, everybody knows, that they go way back. they were good friends for a long time before they fell in love and decided to be together.

yep. odds are stacked up against me, as always.

i used to like things this way. it makes me try harder. it makes my blood run wild. it makes my heart beat faster. it makes me feel alive. i have never backed down from an epic battle such as this one. . .

but now i am the one who's afraid.

i used to not care what the ending would be. as long as i fought the good fight, even if it turns out a disaster i'm ok with it. the struggle, how i dealt with it, how i tried to weather the storm, how i reacted had always been the most important thing. the casualties (i am usually the biggest one), have always been just that, casualties. it never bothered me before, if i won or lost , as long as i did what i had to do. the end justifies the means right? how i got there was never the question, what i got out of it is what is usually the best part.

i am shaking in my boots right now.

i have never been afraid of falling in love, i usually embrace it. damn the consequences. as long as i have shown whomever it is that i love at that point what i felt for them, i have already won. i am as afraid of rejection as any other person but i have always been more afraid of not knowing what could've happened if i had only put myself out there.

but right now i am so terrified that i can't even look you in the eye for fear you would see what you cannot know.

i am scared of you. out of everyone i had ever fallen for, you are the only one who has the potential to break me. so much that i would probably be unrecognizable for a time. your rejection would probably be the one that would sting the hardest. you turning away from me would probably be the memory that would haunt me the most. . .

and so right now, the person who never backed away from anything that had been deemed impossible is slowly walking away. the person whose hand had been slapped countless times and never minded is pulling her hand back. the one who swore to explore all options, any possible work around is choosing to just keep all doors locked.

i am choosing not to say anything.

i am choosing not to complicate your life any further.

i am choosing to just stay where i am. . . if you come to me i might change my mind. . .

but until then. . . we'll talk then.

smile for me,
one last time
i wanna see the twinkle
in your lovely eyes
that turn to just tiny slits
everytime you beam

let me hear that
familiar laugh
like a kid
not a care in the world
free, unrestrained

hold my hand again
will you?
you don't have to twine
your fingers with mine
i just wanna feel you
touch me again

can i wrap my arms
around your fragile shoulders?
fill my head with your
warm, overpowering scent
before i have to let go
of you for good. . .

yes. . .
betrayal is indeed a bitch

i have been busy
pushing all thoughts of you
away, far, far away
filling my head
with random details
that may occupy the places
where you have always been,
trying to replace
every memory i have kept
carefully tended, artfully hidden
so that one day
someone else can come
and fill, or rather, try to fill,
(as no one can really
be who you were to me)
the gaping hole you have left

for a bit i kinda gotten used
to it, have embraced it as
part of my soul, the emptiness
the void, i have carried it,
been resigned to the fact
that it will always be there
(at least you will always have
that part of me as a souvenir
of sorts)
it will always have the
sole power to haunt me,
keep me up at night,
keep me company (i have grown
attached to it, actually)

but now i think
it has finally ran it's course
and though i still have
doubts that i am capable
of totally erasing you
and all that you represent,
i have to try

step one. . .

i. . .
can't help it
i'm drawn to you
like the tides are helpless
against the pull of
the glorious moon

i . . .
am defenseless
as an innocent child
unthinkingly succumbing
to your unconscious charm,
your flippant smile

i. . .
against all odds
hold on to you
so afraid you might
slip right through my
clumsy little fingers

and fall, ever so gently
or drift, ever so casually
towards another's lap
where i can never get you back
however hard i try,
however desperate i become

you are the dream
i have so longingly chased,
the one wish,
i would've given anything
to finally have. . .

i. . .

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies."

settle; to render quiet; to still; to calm;

i have always hated that word, settle. add down to it and we'll be at war. it's not that i am afraid to commit, not that i can't be loyal to one person alone, and neither is it any fear of becoming stale. nope, it's not those, it's just that something about that word infuriates me, kinda strangles me till i'm at a loss for air. why the strong reaction? i'll tell you in a bit. . .

to render quiet. now, quiet is nice right? no disturbances, no noise, one says go, you go, one says stay you stay, sit, roll over, play dead? hahahaha, kinda like a trained pet? yeah, my point exactly. in a lot of ways, quiet is good, in fact we all seek quiet sometimes, but quiet allthroughout? nah, just not my thing.

to still. ever seen a spinning top suddenly put to a stop? it careens, it does not automatically halt, if it is stopped abruptly it spins out of control. very similar to someone so used to being carefree, speaking her mind, not leashed, untamed, suddenly you put a rein on her and what do you think would happen? yeah she'll struggle, she'll try to break free, pull away, fight until she is so tired, and then she settles.

to calm. like a raging storm. it's meant to be watched, in awe. how a tempest could flatten even the most sturdy tree is a mystery to me, it was meant to stay a mystery. to attempt to calm it is madness.

my point?

to me settling implies giving in. it connotes raising your hand in surrender, it signifies defeat, i can't do anything about it anymore and so i settled. like i had no other choice. most times settling also indicates that there should have been something better but you were not able to reach it and so you just accepted what it was that you can. ever heard the question, why settle for less if you can have more? do i need to even elaborate?

maybe some people embrace settling, it is safe, steady, predictable. if you can tell what will happen, if you know what to expect, then it's less disappointments, less heartbreaks. i understand the need to protect one's self, i did that a few times. the desire to veer away from the chaos, the mess, to be the one in total control is indeed very tempting. you have to realize though, that life is never neat, orderly, cut and dried. it is never black and white, it's gray most of the time. to be disillusioned that you can arrange it in a way that suits you by settling is a huge mistake.

there are those who look at settling as accepting their fate. it's what life threw at them and so they have to agree that it's what they deserved. no attempt to fight, or even argue, struggle a bit, no, they are convinced that there is no alternative. that's crap. you always have a choice. the easy way or the hard way, the tried and tested, or the adventurous path, to stop at a barricade or to go around it, find another way.

but the ones that i pity the most are those who were wild and unrestrained for the first quarter of their lives who suddenly lost their drive. got bitten, was hurt at one point, or just lost any hope of finding someone else to run wild with them and so they ended up relinquishing their might and yeah, settling.

a wise man once told me that there are too many mediocre things in life and that love should not be one of them. i don't think there are any truer words.

some people believe that we reincarnate, that we are supposed to live multiple lifetimes. until someone can prove to me that we indeed do, i would approach mine as though i only have this one to live. and i, most certainly, won't spend it settling.