should i give up, or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere?


when do you know it's time to call it quits?

is it something you see?

every tiny change, the shrug you cannot interpret. the way she squirms when you ask her why she came home late. is it when you notice that she cannot look you in the eye anymore? could it be when you rarely see her anymore,work, family, friends are all taking much of her time? or do you wait till you never see her at all?

is it something you hear?

her heartbeat is no longer as fast as it was whenever she sees you. the sound of irritation when you ask too many questions. is it the angry words, the deafening voices sputtering curses or is it when all there is left is silence? when you rarely hear her say i love you, i miss you, i am so sorry or do you wait till there are no more words?

is it something you can smell?

an unfamiliar scent when you wrap your arms around her. her fear. the rank odor of betrayal. your fear.

can you taste it?

the bitterness in her lies. her kiss, a flavor you'v e never used. her frustration. the tears freely runing down your cheeks, their saltiness. your frustration.

or do you just feel it?

the coldness of her lips. the embers of passion losing its fire. each missed caress. the absence of her warmth when she lies next to you. do you have to wait till you get numb?

so when do you say it's over then?

my rule? when the pain outweighs the fun. when i cry more than she makes me smile. when i have grown up and she hasn't. when i question why i still stay. when i have forgotten how to care.
when all i can think about is walking away, cutting the ties that bind us.

just before i begin to hate her. . .

i am sorry pink.

i have been trying to write something, anything, that might dazzle you.
make you smile. make you feel better. make it less awkward. and finally even get just the slightest reaction from you. i don't even remember how many drafts i made. all of them were not good enough. i can't seem to think when your face keeps popping in my head every five minutes. yeah i am distracted. you distract me without even trying.

do not ask me why, i don't even have a clue.

all that i really know right now. . .

is that i miss you calling me blue

if we met
on a different time
a different place
a not so complicated setting
would you have
went on and fallen for me?

had you been free
had there been no distractions
had the story
started when you were
still just on your own
would you have thought about it?

if you knew i was coming
would you have waited for me?
or is all of these just
me thinking wishfully?

i could go ahead
and walk the other way
if you ask me to stop
i could pretend to not care
and so right now
what i really wanna know
is that, would you come to me
once you have learned to let her go?

I’m caught between goodbye and I love you,
never knowing quite where I stand. . .

i was with some of my friends in a bookstore once, we were looking at book titles and stuff. we were laughing at some of the topics until one book caught my eye. i don't even remember what it was called, what drew me to it though was the way the author classified the types of people and how they fall in love. i was under the heading "forbidden apple"

it was explained that my type won't go for a person unless they were either taken or really really out of my league. quite accurate that it sent me goosebumps. the harder the situation is, the more i get drawn to it. like i said in my previous posts, i am a sucker for lost causes. not that i enjoy the chase, the challenge, it's more of my being hard headed and yeah, my being defiant. i love that word. a non conformist, a trailblazer, i wanna prove people wrong when they tell me it can't be done. my track record would reveal that it's people 3 and reg 0. i have never won, but that has never stopped me before. . .

then why is it making me rethink my stand now?

ok, i'll give you a brief introduction to my current dilemma. it's about a girl, well it always is. i can't say her name, although i am 99.99% sure she won't read this, she has other blogs to check, mine is not included in her list. for now, we'll call her pink.

i like pink. she's beautiful, and sweet, and warm, and tough, and sensitive, and she smells so good i wish it was all i am allowed to breathe in. she excites me. she questions my opinions. she infuriates me. she makes me adore her one minute and then makes me wanna strangle her the next moment. oh, and, yeah, she has a girlfriend.

again.

of all the people i meet everyday, i just went in and picked the one i probably won't ever have. there is no way in hell she'll just wake up one morning and suddenly realize that she's better off with me. there is no point in thinking she just might go ahead and decide to stop loving her girlfriend. because i know, everybody knows, that they go way back. they were good friends for a long time before they fell in love and decided to be together.

yep. odds are stacked up against me, as always.

i used to like things this way. it makes me try harder. it makes my blood run wild. it makes my heart beat faster. it makes me feel alive. i have never backed down from an epic battle such as this one. . .

but now i am the one who's afraid.

i used to not care what the ending would be. as long as i fought the good fight, even if it turns out a disaster i'm ok with it. the struggle, how i dealt with it, how i tried to weather the storm, how i reacted had always been the most important thing. the casualties (i am usually the biggest one), have always been just that, casualties. it never bothered me before, if i won or lost , as long as i did what i had to do. the end justifies the means right? how i got there was never the question, what i got out of it is what is usually the best part.

i am shaking in my boots right now.

i have never been afraid of falling in love, i usually embrace it. damn the consequences. as long as i have shown whomever it is that i love at that point what i felt for them, i have already won. i am as afraid of rejection as any other person but i have always been more afraid of not knowing what could've happened if i had only put myself out there.

but right now i am so terrified that i can't even look you in the eye for fear you would see what you cannot know.

i am scared of you. out of everyone i had ever fallen for, you are the only one who has the potential to break me. so much that i would probably be unrecognizable for a time. your rejection would probably be the one that would sting the hardest. you turning away from me would probably be the memory that would haunt me the most. . .

and so right now, the person who never backed away from anything that had been deemed impossible is slowly walking away. the person whose hand had been slapped countless times and never minded is pulling her hand back. the one who swore to explore all options, any possible work around is choosing to just keep all doors locked.

i am choosing not to say anything.

i am choosing not to complicate your life any further.

i am choosing to just stay where i am. . . if you come to me i might change my mind. . .

but until then. . . we'll talk then.

smile for me,
one last time
i wanna see the twinkle
in your lovely eyes
that turn to just tiny slits
everytime you beam

let me hear that
familiar laugh
like a kid
not a care in the world
free, unrestrained

hold my hand again
will you?
you don't have to twine
your fingers with mine
i just wanna feel you
touch me again

can i wrap my arms
around your fragile shoulders?
fill my head with your
warm, overpowering scent
before i have to let go
of you for good. . .

yes. . .
betrayal is indeed a bitch

i have been busy
pushing all thoughts of you
away, far, far away
filling my head
with random details
that may occupy the places
where you have always been,
trying to replace
every memory i have kept
carefully tended, artfully hidden
so that one day
someone else can come
and fill, or rather, try to fill,
(as no one can really
be who you were to me)
the gaping hole you have left

for a bit i kinda gotten used
to it, have embraced it as
part of my soul, the emptiness
the void, i have carried it,
been resigned to the fact
that it will always be there
(at least you will always have
that part of me as a souvenir
of sorts)
it will always have the
sole power to haunt me,
keep me up at night,
keep me company (i have grown
attached to it, actually)

but now i think
it has finally ran it's course
and though i still have
doubts that i am capable
of totally erasing you
and all that you represent,
i have to try

step one. . .

i. . .
can't help it
i'm drawn to you
like the tides are helpless
against the pull of
the glorious moon

i . . .
am defenseless
as an innocent child
unthinkingly succumbing
to your unconscious charm,
your flippant smile

i. . .
against all odds
hold on to you
so afraid you might
slip right through my
clumsy little fingers

and fall, ever so gently
or drift, ever so casually
towards another's lap
where i can never get you back
however hard i try,
however desperate i become

you are the dream
i have so longingly chased,
the one wish,
i would've given anything
to finally have. . .

i. . .