you told me that it feels like you never had an effect on me
that is absofuckinglutely not true
so here is a list of the things i learned from you:

1. i am capable of being loved

i have searched, waited, begged, prayed for someone who will
love me, care about me, stay with me
then you found me
and i was the happiest woman alive
you filled my heart
and showed me that i could be needed
as much as i can need someone
thank you for loving me completely
for giving me everything i have always wished for
for letting me feel like i was the most important person in your life
when we worked, we were amazing
you made me amazing
and i would be forever glad that i had
opened myself up for you 

2. good things come to those who wait

i waited for you
even when there was no more hope
i still kept the faith
so when you did come i was so happy
you were worth it
i keep telling you that
and it is true
you chased all the loneliness away from me
and held me so lovingly

3. forever is just a word, 

you made me believe that it existed
because that was how long i would've wanted to be with you
i trusted you when you promised me that we could have  it
all of it
but i learned the hard way that there is no such thing

4. love may sometimes conquer all but there are times when it's just not enough

god, i loved you
i loved everything about you
i loved you with a love i never even knew i had
i did things i didn't know i was capable of doing
but i did them out of love
and i have endured and was willing to endure
anything to keep you
anything at all
everything humanly possible
but it's not that i did not love you enough
this time it's more like, no matter how much
i love you, my love just ain't enough
there are things that you want, need
that i just cannot give
and so i must walk away
so someone else can walk in 
someone who can give you
all that i can't

5. everything ends.

yeah they do.
and i have always known that
but with you i kinda forgot that
i started to believe that maybe some things stay
maybe you will always be with me
maybe what we had will stand the test of time
maybe others failed because they were not as strong as we are
maybe they loved less than we did
i really thought we will be the ones who would live to tell
the world that when you want something as badly as we wanted to stay together
you can beat the world
and yet we ended in a glorious heap
oh how we ended

6. life goes on

i am amazed 
that while i feel my world has stopped on its tracks
i see life pass me
all around
everyone is still moving
so i guess i must move with them
everything is the same in the world
and yet everything is different
our love ended
but life, it keeps turning
so i have to continue with it

7. i have a very strong threshold for pain

maybe because i had a lot of practice
people have come and gone before
and i kinda gotten used to it
but when you left i realized that i haven't seen enough pain yet
and i am so much stronger that i thought i were
i felt so much
and i would've continued with it
if i knew i would still have you
if in the end i could still be with you

8. never believe everything people tell you

be grateful
be appreciative
be accepting
but never believe
because although what you said may be true when you said them
nothing is true at all times
maybe you just got used to saying them
maybe you too wanted them to be true
but what we mean changes
and though i want to never forget you said all that you did
sometimes i just want to forget all of them
i wish i had the strength to not blindly believe
but i didn't
and right now it's killing me

9. pain won't kill you.

although there were times i wished it did
i just want them to stop so badly
and so i thought that if i lay still it would just pass by me
but it stayed
and i learned to befriend it
i even relish it sometimes
it comforts me now
to know that however great this pain is
it keeps me alive

10. this too shall pass.

i am not there yet
but if there really is a god
i know he will take me out of this misery someday
i am hoping that it would be soon enough
i am too tired and weary
i have bled too much
cried too hard
scratched and clawed and fought 
till there is almost nothing left in me
but a twinge of hope that yeah
this too shall pass




     

each time you say 

that you regret leaving

when you did

you stick a knife right through my heart

each tear you cry

are droplets of my blood

gushing out of my veins

crippling me

you mourn what you lost

so much that i wonder

if you gained anything at all when you

chose me. . .

did you really choose me or was i the only option you had?

you tell me over and over

that you love me,and i believe you

each and every time,

i just wonder if you would ever

love me as much as you loved, 

scratch that,

still love her?

i knew i would never be able to compete with her,

i never intended to. . .

i shouldn't have to. . .

she's in the past. . .

yes, colorful, loving,wonderful 

and all the damned superlatives

but then again,

she's in the past. . .

i am your now.

i would love to

be your future too

but your feet are still

stuck in what was

you say you regret

all that you used to have

will you feel the same pang

for what you might lose again?

it's been a while. . .

too long actually 

did i lose my touch? 

i don't know, maybe?

i wrote of tragedies,

i used my pen

to describe longing, pain

how i bled. . .

how i was filled

with bitter tears

how my heart ached,

of loneliness, endless, unforgiving, unrelenting fear

i rarely spoke

of happiness, hopefulness

i was a stranger to them

it felt awkward to even say them

yes i've been silent. . .

this used to be

my only sanctuary

my only friend, the only thing

that never turned me away

and then there was you. . .

i didn't need to seek

solace, fortitude, a warm embrace

didn't need to write i could speak

no more worries

no tragedies, pain is taken

away as soon as i feel them

no more fear

no need to bleed, nor shed any tear

i was home. . . you were home

but lately i feel

the urge to visit you again i fear,

in a little while it might

be just you and me again my dear. . .

. . . and all the tears i cry

no matter how i try

will never bring you home to me

will you wait for me

in heaven. . .

i keep expecting you

to come out of

your room and

shout orders with 

your booming voice. . .

you are our king

and our house is your castle

you watch over us

and guide us all. . .

you will still be doing that

albeit from a different podium,

a different palace. . .

everytime i come home

you are the first

person i look for,

i ask for you first thing

and i smile whenever i

find out that you

are just upstairs

lying on your bed

watching tv, basketball, our favorite. . .

you'll still be upstairs

but now it's somewhere 

i'll never be able to see you. . .

i lie beside you

hug your tummy

you hug me back

kiss the top of my head

and we just stay there

exchanging insults

bantering to our

heart's content and

we laugh. . .

i tried to hug you the

last time i saw you

but i never got a hug back. . .

last time we talked

i was explaining 

the trilogy "lord of the rings" to you

you can never

get the characters straight

but i still sat there

patiently telling you

the whole story

i wear your ring now

it was included in the

pile of all your belonging 

you left behind. . .

i will never understand

why you left us

even if everyone

would sit beside me

and patiently discuss to me

the merits, the cycle, the inevitable

it would still be 

unfathomable to me

how one very

unassuming night

you wandered out

and never looked back. . .

you used to

always come back

no matter how drunk

no matter how late

we would hear your car

we would hear you knock. . .

i'm still waiting. . .

i'll always, forever be waiting. . .

each time you say

that you regret leaving

when you did

you stick a knife

right through my heart

each tear you cry

are droplets of

my blood gushing

out of my veins

crippling me

you mourn what you lost

so much that i wonder

if you gained anything

at all when youchose me. . .

you tell me over and over

that you love me,

and i believe you

each and every time,

i just wonder if you would ever

love me as much

as you loved, scratch that,

still love her?

i knew i would

never be able

to compete with her,

i never intended to. . .

i shouldn't have to. . .

she's in the past

yes, colorful, loving,

wonderful and all the

damned superlatives

but then again,

she's in the past. . .

i am your now

i would love to

be your future too

but your feet are still

stuck in what was

you say you regret

all that you used to have

will you feel the same pang

for what you might lose again?

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i knew it would

be the best feeling. . .

waking up right

next to you

watching your slow

smile creeping up

reaching your eyes

your warmth pushing

away the coldness,

warmer than my sheets

your scent, i miss it

all the damn time

fills my head, i smell

your hair, your neck

my finger follows

a trail, a map

of your features

i trace your face

i, very subtly linger

like i can't believe

you are really there

so i have to feel

every bit of you

to make sure i'm

not in a dream

you are right there

i hug you and

you don't disappear

into thin air

you just hold

me right back

did i ever tell you

that i love mornings?

especially now that

i get to start each day

with you laying in my arms. . .