i miss you

so damned much

it's almost

painful, even

to breathe

you are somewhat

my air now

i take you in

and try as

hard as i

can to not

let you out

i reach out

to you

even in my

dreams

i long to

hold you

taste your skin

smell your

now familiar

scent that

penetrates me

and stays

with me,

accompanies me

until i can

touch you again

no you are

not a routine

my being with

you would

never be

just a habit

everytime i'm

close to you

it is a new

experience

i'll never grow

tired of

please hurry home

my lips beg

for yours

my arms are

empty without

you here

love, hurry home

tiny kisses
on my forehead,
my shoulder,
planted on my
smooth cheek
when you
touch my face,
a slow caress
like i would
break, as if
i'm fragile. . .

when you
wake up
in the middle
of the night
and automatically
reach out
for me,
when you
hold me close
like you'd
never want to
let go of me,
when you seek
my warmth
the way i
search for yours. . .

when you
wipe the sweat
off my brows,
and remind me
to always, always
bring a towel,
when you
panic when
i'm being a
a total klutz. . .

some of the
little things
that make me
love you more

funny, i thought
i already love
you too much,
you just went
ahead and showed
me i'm still
capable of more

stick and stones may hurt my bones
but words will never hurt me. . .

it's a childhood chant. taught by my teachers so that we could probably develop a thicker skin, lesser propensity to feel emotional pain, to brush off insults or anything demeaning more quickly. i never learned the trick. i never lived by this.

i have hurt more than my share of people, close to me or not because of my defensiveness, my quick tongue. i can beat people up with a few choice words. i get angry so fast, i blow up way too early, when i do i send out a barrage of curses or take to name calling or just plain mockery. i become careless, thoughtless, they hurt me i have to retaliate. i can apologize later anyway right?

wrong.

and i learned it the hard way. i have lost way too many people because i said things i did not even mean. those that i did manage to save, my relationship with them was never ever the same again.

i am a master of words, or at least i'd like to think that i am. i can use them to woo, to show my sincerity, i can string up sentences to let people know i'm happy, it has always been easy for me to convey what i feel when i write or talk, gift of glib alright. i can use it as a weapon too, though. since i know what people would love to hear, i also am very familiar with what would anger them, cause them to stir. i can cut them with my words and make the wounds deep. i know what to target, i know what to avoid. i'm a mercenary, at least i was.

until i realized that it's not just a game.

that what i say or write affects some people too much. that i can break them apart. that i can destroy their belief in themselves. that i could kill their self esteem. that each word i speak can act as lashes that leave welts.

they say those who live by the sword, dies by the sword. i say those who live by words, can die by them too. i know first hand how it feels to be made mincemeat through phrases carelessly thrown at me. it is not a pretty feeling, not at all.

so i stopped.

now i never speak when i'm angry or hurt or both. not when i'm frustrated or confused or both. not when emotions are running high and thoughtfulness too low. i wait.

till i can think again. till i am reasonable again. when i have cooled down and i am sure that what i will say or write i really mean. i do not wanna say anything i can't take back, i'd rather stay silent.

maybe it's foolish. but then again, maybe that makes me wise.

stick and stones, they hurt my bones
but words, they pierce through my soul. . .

too much to do
too little time
sometimes all
you need is
a moment to
breathe, converse
with your self,
focus, push all
your fears aside
jump in. . .

let go. . .

a little bit
of clarity
a small dose
of sunshine
coming out
of the cracks
a little bit
of hope
a tiny ounce
of freedom,

shout, scream
if you must,
let the tears
freely flow
let it flood
your sorrows,
maybe after all's
been said and
done, you'll
be almost human again. . .

feeling everything again,
i know how
much you would
love to just
be numb, it's easier,
no pain, no more hurting

no more joy either,
just going
through the motion
you might make
it through
but what will
you have to
show for it?

an empty shell,
just a shadow
of what you
could've been
you deserve more
than that, i
know you do

so just
take your time,
sort things out
like i said
i won't be
going anywhere
i'm just here
go on and breathe

i love you. . .

waiting.
i hear nothing.
maybe i whispered
too low,

i say it again,
i hug you,
i hold you close
you held me back
i can hear
your heartbeat
i can smell
your hair,
still the same
as it smelled
before, as far
as i know, everything's
familiar, yet
i felt something shift. . .

i kissed your
forehead, something
i have done at least
a thousand times
i say it again,
i just felt you sigh. . .

maybe you were
just tired,
maybe it was
stress, anxiety,
i do not really know
my eyes are heavy
with unshed tears
but i just brush
them off, i do
not want to
force you just
cause you saw
me breaking

maybe soon
i'll hear it again
it's okay, i still
will keep saying it
'cause i really, really do

i love you.

happy 17th

where do you

go when you

very quietly

drift off?

when i look

at you and

you turn away

from me, whose

eyes are you

searching for?

when you sigh

deeply and you

get subtly distracted,

where do your

thoughts wander?

sometimes you

look so alone

even when we

are together

i am almost

tempted to

pull away a

bit, give you

a slight distance

see if you'll

notice that

there is a

space starting

to form between us,

but i'm afraid

you might

not bridge the gap

and just let

yourself fly off. . .

so i reach

out for you,

hold your hand

in mine, force

you to look at me

and see only me,

remind you

that i'm here

now, you can

let some of the

worries out,

i'm staying okay?

please do not do the leaving

i love
your neck,
slender, smooth
i rain kisses
all over
your nape,
the side of
your lovely face,
your earlobes,
don't twitch
hold very still. . .

your chest
heaves, as if
inviting me
to touch you
there, you do
not have to
ask twice
i'm there
i'll cup both
of them, and
run my palms
across each
rosy bead
while you close
your eyes
and start to
lose what
little composure
you still have. . .

i'll inch lower,
teasing, your
hair is coarser,
still, lower,
you are starting
to get damp,
i moisten my
lips, they suddenly
went all too dry,
you move towards
my hand, a silent
indication that
you want me
to go further,
i splay my
fingers taunting,
teasing, gently,
at first, but
you want it
rough, hard,
spread for me,
i'm in. . .

one,
just to test
how much you
can take,
two, then i
make small circles
i move with
the deftness
of a pianist
perhaps, purposely,
you breathe a
bit more heavily,
you want me deeper?

beg. . .

i'll take them
out, just so
i can see the
furrows on your
brow, the slight
disappointment
you missed me?
i'm in again
faster, as far
in as i could
possibly go,
harder, harder,
move with me,
the rhythm ageless,
you have never
looked more
beautiful than
when you are
struggling to
regain control,
sorry love, i
am the boss here

do not turn
away, i wanna
watch you
shatter, don't say
damn or shit
or oh god,
scream my name
instead, yeah,
that's it, louder
i won't stop,
just let it
all go, pure
abandon, you writhe,
quiver, trying to
grab a hold of
anything, the sheets,
my hand, my hair,
it's time, you
are so close
give in, yes love,
that's it. . .

you're still shaking,
let's do it again?