. . . you're a hard habit to break. . .


an action or pattern of behavior that is repeated so often that it becomes typical of somebody, although he or she may be unaware of it, addiction, fixation, routine, dependence, i looked up the word "habit" and these are what i came accross with.

it is synonymous with addiction. a strong craving, for something or someone. you cannot think, eat, sleep, move without a dose of what currently enslaves you. you are weak without it, incomplete. you have to get a taste, a feel, a whiff, it makes you strong. . . but really, it doesn't. when you are wanting something this much, too much, that you are willing to do anything, defy anything or anyone, for a tiny bite, a sliver, doesn't that sound dangerous? they say that, the thing about addiction is, it never ends well. because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high, stops feeling good, and starts to hurt. . . what then?

fixation, an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone, a more common term? obsession. . . kinda like addiction, you have no control over it . it rules your head, your heart and whatever else you allow it to overpower. it's an ailment. a sick need. is it curable? i don't really know. . .

a routine. a way of living. something you do without thinking. you might not even be aware you are doing it. it has become so ingrained in you that you mistake it for something essential. if you don't get a glimpse of it or if you failed to do that certain step, you feel that something is lacking. like a limb is missing, or your head, or something integral. you don't think you can function well. it is a myth. routines are boring, break it. change is refreshing, embrace it. . .

dependence. . . like you would crumble if you lose it. something or someone you rely on. i knew a girl once, she never allowed herself to depend on anyone, i kinda admire that, to be self reliant, to be an entity so strong that there is no need for someone else. but at the same time i pity her, if she breaks, what then? who would help hold her up?

do i want to be a habit?

an addiction slash fixation slash routine slash source of dependence?

a craving, someone that gives someone else a high she thinks she can almost fly?
an obsession, an object for someone to almost praise and adore?
be second nature to someone that it would impale them if one day i don't show up?
have someone rely on me too much that the thought of losing me would make them tremble in fear?

nah. . . .

that was never my intention.

being wanted is fine, but i'd rather be needed. i never liked being treated as an object of obsession, i'd rather be a cure than a madness. i don't wanna be a routine, i wanna be something that happens once in a lifetime. like a comet you have waited all your life for. not common at all. i want you to be aware that i am there, i want you to know, not think, that i am essential. and if you lose me i want your world to not just crumble but explode, to not just be in the brink of tipping but to be blasted out of its orbit, if atleast for a few precious seconds. i don't want you to just not function well in my absence but i want you to not function at all, atleast for a meager period. and as the famous line goes, i do not wanna be adored, i'd rather be loved

i do not want to be a habit
i need to be more than just that. . .

i wish i were more than just that. . .