love,

told you birthdays are the loneliest times of the year. . .

and i knew you tried
to be happy,
to have fun,
to forget what it is
that makes you bleed,
keeps you up at night sometimes,
for a few hours you made a huge effort
to conceal that it was killing you too. . .

i felt the tears,
even before i saw them
running down your soft cheeks,
i heard them coming,
the crack in your voice, the stilted breathing,
the heavy sighs. . .

it's your first. . .

for five straight years all holidays were spent with her,
and i know that at the back of your mind
you would always wish she were here too,
she was your life, your best friend, your partner in crime
i would never replace her
i have said so countless of times
she would always stay hidden
tucked away in a very special place,
it's okay, i understand

i just wish
that you never hope
she were here instead of me. . .

it's alright love,
we'll make new memories
no worries
i love you to pieces. . .

happy birthday.