have i lost you?
the one thing that
i was so intent on keeping

have you moved on?
left me stranded here
stuck in limbo

is that you walking away?
i want to stop you
i just don't know how
or if you would heed
my silent plea

is that the door i hear?
silently closing
you, turned away
i'm left on the other side
dumbfounded

do i say goodbye now?
run the other way
leave you be
give you your space

please tell me
it's all in my head
that i'm just making
it all up
'cause i just can't. . .
at least not yet

are you just
testing me?
trying to see
how far i would go
trying to gauge
how much i can take
how hard
i will hold on to you
trying to find out
what my threshold is
how many rejections
how many no's
how many maybe's
before i fold
call it a day
move on to the next
to an easier task
lesser evil
are you just waiting
for me to call it quits
for everything
to be too much to bear
for me to walk away?
do you just wanna know
if i'm more scared
to lose you
or if my greater fear
is to lose myself?
are you trying to see
if i will rise
to the occassion
answer to the challenge
of making you stay?
is this a game to you?
who will break first
who will give in
who can fight the hardest
who will bleed more
who can change
the other's mind?

well, game on. . .

oh i forgot
you are unattached. . .
totally unaffected. . .
my bad.

i was hoping
i'd reach you
i was hoping
i could touch
a part of you
you keep hidden
from the world
from everyone else
ambitious, i know
but i was hoping
in some small way
i could begin
to crumble some
of the walls
you put around you
melt your heart a bit
know you a little deeper
solve some of your puzzles
find out what makes you tick
uncomplicate
your complicated mind

i thought
if you would only
let me in a bit
not too much
then you might
see me too
feel me too
hear what i need to tell you
you'd come around
you'd want what i want
need me a little
i thought
if i gave you my heart
show you my world
then you'd want to be in it

was i ever more wrong?

i'm as close
as i can possibly get
as you can possibly let me
i can't get any nearer
without you
running away again
so i'm gonna stay here
i know you might not
come to me
but i'm gonna wait anyway

the funny thing
about trying to crumble
a barricade
that was put in place
to keep the world
and everybody else out
is that every push
every shove
is met with a counter push
a counter shove
every bruise you manage
to inflict in a way
marks you too
every second you
wear her down
is a minute
she wears you out
every inch forward
a mile backward
just when you think
you've gotten in
pushed the boundaries aside
in come more sentinels
to guard their queen
with their lives
the defenses seem never ending
never letting up
never giving in
i'm battered
so weary

can you hear me bleed?
do you smell
my desperation
do you taste my frustration
can you see me wince
can you feel me
almost shatter?

i envy you
you can stop anytime
without preamble
without guilt
without doubt
with no hesitation

i can't
i tried
i don't want to

but sometimes, i wish i could. . .

what makes me stay
when any normal person
would've run the other way
can i give you any reason
why i hold on
when everything you do
everything you say
points me
to a different direction?
do i like the pain?
am i addicted to the
sweet, sweet, misery?
do i like the torture
love the torment
crave the slow
burning smell of fear
my fear
why do i remain here
when you've effectively
crushed every hope
every potential
of the dream i have
of you staying with me?

so why am i still here?
what else am i waiting for?
do i really want more?

sometimes i get so tired
so spent
so torn apart
i just wanna stop
but if i do
what else would be there left for me?
could i go on?
will i have the courage
to face the coming days
knowing i lost you
i can't imagine existing
in a world where you don't

so i guess i'd have
to stay here
endure some more of this
'cause i know
however badly i'm hurting now,
letting you go will hurt even worse

if you cut the chord
i can take it
if i reach out one day
and all i get is air
it won't shock me
won't put my world
out of its orbit
life would be the same
i won't even flinch
you think
i would crumble?
i won't even feel it
i won't notice
anything different
i won't miss
your voice, your smile
your inquiring eyes
your laughter, your frown
the dimple on your cheek
the way you challenge
my every thought
how you infuriate me
and calm me at the same time
how you frustrate me
unnerve me, turn me to mush
with just one look
i will not miss any of that
i won't know sadness
i won't break down
i won't shed tears. . .
not even one. . .

now if only
i can mean
even a fourth of all that
then my life could've been so much easier,
but then again, who wants easy,
when easy means you won't be there?

am i just a habit?
did you just get used to me
pushing, shoving
giving you all that i have
trying to open you up
trying to grab at anything
grasping at straws
hoping to make sense
of the lovely chaos
that you are?

am i just a game?
you play to your heart's content
is it the thrill
the excitement
the drama
a shiny new toy
that fascinates you
for a little while atleast
did i just over estimate
my worth to you?

am i an addiction?
you are hooked on
for the time being
the rush
the momentary joy
the high
you so fervently seek
your favorite brand of morphine
that numbs you
and lets you float
into oblivion

i hope you never get
the urge to quit
to kick the habit
to cure the addiction
'cause when you do
you might. . .

no, i'm not even going there