shall i consider
it a curse
that i always
get attracted to
people who are
too far out
of my league?
that i always
try to touch
everyone who has
a neon sign that
says off limits?
that i shy away
from people
within my reach
and look ahead
to those who are
running towards the
other direction?
why am i so intent
to fight for
what most would tag
lost causes?
do i have a death wish
of some sort?
complications have a
way of fascinating me
just as soon as it
becomes impossible
i try harder

something in my brain
must have short circuited
or like someone said
i may be a sucker for pain

but simple is just
not as thrilling
not as satisfying

do you notice my pattern?

here i am again
trying to justify
why i'm starting to
defy what should be
and begin to believe in
what might be. . .

tsk, i never learn, do i?

you smiled at
me again today
that crooked smile
that makes my
pulse race
i said something,
you thought it was funny
i didn't even hear
myself speak
my heartbeat is
deafening
then you flashed
that familiar grin
told you that would
probably be my undoing
you take my breath
without meaning to
with your slightest
movement, when you
tuck your hair behind your ear,
when you straighten your shirt,
when you self consciously
smoothen the imaginary
crease on your pants,
you have me entranced

if only you knew
what you so
unintentionally do to me. . .

you are very slowly
starting to become
a part of my every day
shall i make myself
a part of yours too?

in a little while, maybe

i guess it
won't be easy
to start over
to move forward
without even a
glance back
to fix my eyes
on the road ahead
and not look back
at the path i am leaving
to walk onwards
when it feels like
both feet are chained
to where i'm standing
to stop myself
from running back
force myself
to stop thinking
about what happened
the what ifs
the what could have beens
and concentrate on
making new memories
creating another story
where the ending
is beyond me

we knew where
we were heading right?
where the page
is supposed to finish
we knew even before
we started, ours was
a tragedy

i know it would
probably be one of
the toughest things
i would have to endure
but for your sake
and for my own
i have to start writing
a different saga

one that doesn't
begin and end with you

If i could have one wish
If i could have some say
I'd keep you far from home
I'd roll back both my sleeves
Dig under your skin
And fix your shattered bones

Hold on,
This may hurt you when i tell you of the truth,
We don't get two lives to live
It's true,
The only fault i've found in you
Is not being free to take what i would give

If i could bend your pain
Into something good
Make you a prouder woman
If i could rough you up
And save you with good luck
And show you hope again

Hold on,
You weren't meant to suffer so very long
Leaving love that's gone has never been a sin
Hang tight,
The only fault you have tonight
Is shutting down so cold till i break in.

Oh sad young woman,
I think i need you.
For reasons i don't know
I pledge myself to winter season
So it's perfectly on course
But in the end it has to snow.

If i could make you stay
Convince you you'd be lost
If we were torn apart
If it remained unclear
Between the two of us
Which one would be the one
To break the others heart

Hold on,
This will floor me differently
Than any drug that's washed me into sleep
It's true
The only fault i'll take from you
Is how to run from what you wish to keep

would it be
my fault
if i very quietly
inched away from you?
if i upped and
very slowly,
with a heavy heart
leave
would i still
be to blame?
if i silently
picked up whatever
is left of
my shattered self
and crept far
from where you are
would i still
be held accountable?
should i feel remorse?
should i be reprimanded?
for staying as
far and as unattached?

i don't count
i will not be missed
you will never
regret that i got
too tired to try again

i will not be
thought about. . .
save for a few
measly words written
on my behalf

i wish i could
be neruda for a night
so maybe i could
write a litany
of what i would
do should you
forget me
i could say outright
that i'll cease
to remember you
long before any trace
of my memory
escapes you

if i were him
maybe i could
begin to write
the saddest lines
those that would
make you bleed
deep scarlet
blood trickling
each tiny drop
perfectly staining
my stark skin
he could pen
harshness, cruelty
and disguise them
as innocent musings
nobody would even
know the difference

if i were him
maybe i could
gather words
and scatter them
find the proper rhyme
that might make you weep
silent tears
each one a testament
to every little thing
you have lost
a reminder of all
that you have given up
all you are still
willing to let
slip from your grasp

if i could be
neruda just for
a few precious hours
maybe i could
firmly promise
that these are the
last pains i would
let you make me suffer
and these are the
last verses i would
ever write for you

but i am not him
my words are
empty, shallow
i could only attempt
to mimic what he
effortlessly creates
i could only
fervently hope
you might hear me
know what i mean
i could only
pretend to touch greatness
like i pretend
that i could
peek into your soul

i won't wait. . .
i may love pain
but i'm only human
i can only take so much
till i can't take anymore

i won't bend. . .
i may have mastered
the art of swaying,
going with whatever
direction the wind blows
and then i'd break

i won't change. . .
i have stretched
as far as my enduring
body would allow
and then i would crack

i will stop. . .
i have gone farther
than i thought i could,
have met resistance
at every turn
ignored your pleas
been blind to your
blatant opposition
you are indeed immovable

i will let go. . .
with bloodied hands
i have held on
but you have constantly
darted away from me
the strain is beginning
to be too much for me

i will walk away. . .
not because i want to
but because you need to
be away from me
as far away as i could possiby let you

i will quit. . .
because this time
it's the only thing
left for me to do

you have won dear,
just this once, i'll admit defeat