i'm not asking
for forever
i know it won't come
i'm not waiting
for answers
i know you won't
say anything
you won't ask me
to stop
you won't say
please give up
i won't hear
any of these

i'm not
hoping that you'll
someday walk alongside me
i can't
imagine that on
a clear night
you'll want to watch
the stars with me
i shouldn't
wish one day
you'll wake and
want just me

i can dream. . .
but sooner or later
i have to wake up
and the reality is
though you are
so close that i
can just reach out
and touch your hand
and every strand
of air i breathe
is the same as
the one you are
breathing as well
if i move you'll
vanish

like the smoke
coming out of
the cigarette i hold
i inhale your scent
and in one long
exhale, you are
blown away
the wind will carry
you too far for me
to follow

i'll take you in
just as long as
i still can
let your haunting
charm, take me away
and when it's time
to say farewell
i'll just glance once. . .

like fine sand
that i grasp so
tightly, the tiny beads
of you slip ever
so swiftly
till all that's left
are my hands
all bare again

for my little sis, who's not so little anymore (hahahahahaha)

just let me be
if you can't love me
please set me free
do not reach out
if you have no
intention of holding
on to me
don't keep my
hopes up
just to crush it
later on
don't tell me things
i might believe
just to take them
all away again
as soon as you
feel like it
i am not a game
you can start
and stop whenever
you feel the urge
to play

i'm getting tired
of this endless cycle
of running to
and away from you
we can't move forward
and we shouldn't look back
so why don't we just
stay where we are
safely tucked away
in our own little corners?

in a different time
we might meet again
on a very ordinary day
we might brush up again
maybe then, we'd have
better luck
but right now, i guess
we should have to stop
and this time
we should mean it
for both our sakes

to erica, for her olive (hahahahahaha)

mine. . .

just when i thought
my time was over
i've had my share
of tears, pain
my heart broken
countless times
i was ready to give up
on love and everything
it offered
without warning
you came to me
and brought with you

a promise of new
beginnings, a better day
something i could
hold on to
a new meaning
to my darkness
you shone your light
i thank you for that
you give me love
without thought, without effort
i only hope that
in my own little way
i've shown how
much i adore you

you have my heart
in the palm of your hands
do with it what you like
it's yours to keep
just as your heart
is mine, mine
all mine

i am trying
my darnest
to play by
the rules that
you set
following whatever
protocol imposed on me
i have to play
it cool, act ever
so nonchalantly
you don't like it
if i move too close
you might bolt suddenly
if i press too hard
if i show too much
if i react too soon

i should learn how
to bid my time
chill out, relax
wait for you to
come to me
in your own sweet time
wait until you find
the courage to
take another chance

okay, i'll be here
and when you feel
the urge to be daring
i'll just be close, dear

no matter how
far or how long
i keep running
no matter where
i try to go
into hiding
whatever i tell
myself there's
just no denying
i will never be
free of you
or your memory
you will always be
probably the best
part of me

i was always
pretty good at pretense
i could ignore
people until i get
so used to it
they stop existing
in my world
i could fill my head
with random thoughts
make myself busy
until there is no
more room left
for anyone else
to occupy
i could tune people out
i could rid myself
of every little thing
that would remind me
of the person
i am trying to forget

it has always worked
my strategy, always
saved me
but not this time,
not with you
not without
killing me too. . .

i miss you
when i swore i wouldn't,
not anymore

waiting..
hoping for another glance
trying to turn away,
while resisting the urge
to look back.

i know i couldn't
you told me i shouldn't
ask you to not go
you can never stay

you can never give me
enough rain
enough smile
enough time
to believe what i feel

and i could never
give you enough
sunshine
enough space
enough time
to trust what you feel

so where do we go from here?

i could lie
and tell you
i've moved on
but i cannot pretend
that i wont flinch
at every gesture,
every move,
every smile
that you are
slowly giving
to everyone but me.

would you wince
should you see me
start to regard you
as just a part of my history
if i begin to open
another chapter of my story
with the lead different
this time
would you falter?

can i, please, not answer
can i, just like before
glide, move
and let you be?

for my little sis:

i was a master
of averting disaster
i was equipped
with super sensors
i could catch a lie
from a mile away
i prided myself
in being able
to look people in the eye
and read their
thoughts, their intentions
any hidden agenda
i could pry them out
with a skill honed
from countless bouts
with pretenders, posers
those who were out
to wring my emotions
until i'm all dried up
nothing left
not even a drop
i was so careful
so cautious,
my moves so calculated

but you
and your words dipped in honey
you tempted me
with your arms outstretched

you made me
for a second, think
that you could catch me,
that you won't allow me
to touch the ground. . .

good thing, i forgot how to trust
long before you ever came