i noticed.
i'm playing it cool
'cause i don't wanna
get too used to this
never again
the last time scarred me
i don't think i'll ever
truly, fully recover

doesn't mean i don't
miss you or care about you
i do, i'll probably always will
but you know what happens
when you get broken?
you try to piece together
what was shattered but
whatever you do
you will never ever be the same
a part of you will always be
lost, forgotten, never to be
taken back
when you get burned
you try your damnest
to stay away from fire
cover yourself in ice
when the door has been locked,
slammed in front of you
you will not knock again
for fear of another
stinging rejection

i'm glad you still
think about me at times
my thoughts are never
too far away from you
though i've tried to shake
away every memory
i did try, and some days
i do succeed

and no i'm not trying
to be your one regret
that will be an excercise
in futility, i bet
it's okay that i'm not
don't start with me
dont start, period.

and i know that you love me
you have said it,
i have felt it,
but like you told me
sometimes, it just
is not enough
it's sad, i know,
but what can we do?

everything's the same
yet you and i are different
will we ever get past that?
i'm not really sure,
are you?

i wish i wrote these lines. . .
well anyway, thank you maria mena

What could you possibly see in me?
Is it my soul hung out to dry?
I think my dysfunctional family has shaped it throughout my life.

What could you possibly like in me?
Do you like my ability to bend?
I think my fear of intimacy has shaped the time we spend.

No it's not you, it's me
and it's not us, it's them
and it's not her, it's just the way she moves you
and she kisses harder than me, oh she kisses harder than me.

And I've always looked in through your glasses,
but all I could see, is the spectre of me reflected
the empty shell of me, the empty shell of me.

What could you possibly love in me?
Is it the way I wear my smile?
It hangs from the tip of my tongue you see, oh this might take awhile.

No it's not you, it's me
and it's not us, it's them
sure it's not her, it's just the way she moves you
and she kisses harder than me, oh she kisses harder than me.

And I've tried to look in through your glases,
but all I could see, was the spector of me reflected, the empty shell of me, the empty shell of me.

it would've been easier
you would never have
to shed a single tear,
nor live in constant fear,
we would never have
to bend till we break
or try till we ache
when i say i'm fine
i would've meant
every littlest word
yeah you won't even
be too listless, not too bored
no more lies
no lingering goodbyes
your smile might even reach your eyes
i won't have to pretend that i am cool
we no longer would be fools
i could breathe easy
knowing you would always
stay here with me. . .

if love were enough. . .

sorry, I will never be enough. . .

i know exactly when
you enter the room,
my skin crawls, in awareness
my eyes track your every move
your scent wafts, sails through the air
and finds me, encloses me
like a hound sensing its prey
it excites me, makes my blood
rush, i will it to slow down, you
might hear my heart beating
too loudly, it might cause you to run

and i don't want you to flee,
i know you spook too easy,
i can't allow you to be
too afraid of me
so i'll feign control, i'll fake indifference
and if by chance your gaze
meets mine i'll swiftly look away,
engage you in a quick game
of hide and go seek
when you are unaware, i'll go ahead and take a peek
but as soon as you try and catch
me as i stare longingly
i'll take cover, behind a wall of
pretend disinterest
i'll be convincing,
i swear you won't suspect a thing

i won't let it show,
no, you can never, ever, forever know

. . . you're a hard habit to break. . .


an action or pattern of behavior that is repeated so often that it becomes typical of somebody, although he or she may be unaware of it, addiction, fixation, routine, dependence, i looked up the word "habit" and these are what i came accross with.

it is synonymous with addiction. a strong craving, for something or someone. you cannot think, eat, sleep, move without a dose of what currently enslaves you. you are weak without it, incomplete. you have to get a taste, a feel, a whiff, it makes you strong. . . but really, it doesn't. when you are wanting something this much, too much, that you are willing to do anything, defy anything or anyone, for a tiny bite, a sliver, doesn't that sound dangerous? they say that, the thing about addiction is, it never ends well. because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high, stops feeling good, and starts to hurt. . . what then?

fixation, an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone, a more common term? obsession. . . kinda like addiction, you have no control over it . it rules your head, your heart and whatever else you allow it to overpower. it's an ailment. a sick need. is it curable? i don't really know. . .

a routine. a way of living. something you do without thinking. you might not even be aware you are doing it. it has become so ingrained in you that you mistake it for something essential. if you don't get a glimpse of it or if you failed to do that certain step, you feel that something is lacking. like a limb is missing, or your head, or something integral. you don't think you can function well. it is a myth. routines are boring, break it. change is refreshing, embrace it. . .

dependence. . . like you would crumble if you lose it. something or someone you rely on. i knew a girl once, she never allowed herself to depend on anyone, i kinda admire that, to be self reliant, to be an entity so strong that there is no need for someone else. but at the same time i pity her, if she breaks, what then? who would help hold her up?

do i want to be a habit?

an addiction slash fixation slash routine slash source of dependence?

a craving, someone that gives someone else a high she thinks she can almost fly?
an obsession, an object for someone to almost praise and adore?
be second nature to someone that it would impale them if one day i don't show up?
have someone rely on me too much that the thought of losing me would make them tremble in fear?

nah. . . .

that was never my intention.

being wanted is fine, but i'd rather be needed. i never liked being treated as an object of obsession, i'd rather be a cure than a madness. i don't wanna be a routine, i wanna be something that happens once in a lifetime. like a comet you have waited all your life for. not common at all. i want you to be aware that i am there, i want you to know, not think, that i am essential. and if you lose me i want your world to not just crumble but explode, to not just be in the brink of tipping but to be blasted out of its orbit, if atleast for a few precious seconds. i don't want you to just not function well in my absence but i want you to not function at all, atleast for a meager period. and as the famous line goes, i do not wanna be adored, i'd rather be loved

i do not want to be a habit
i need to be more than just that. . .

i wish i were more than just that. . .

shall we have another go at it? another round, another attempt, maybe find a different result? will it be less bloody?less disappointing? the ride a bit smoother? we know the flaws in our ways maybe this time we'll have success in avoiding them? the swift turns, the treacherous highs each traitorous curve we have mapped them laid out a plan, we know what to wait for and in some way we have learned what not to expect from you or me, and everyone else in this crazy little saga.

will it really be better?

have we really learned anything except for the fact that you and
i might not really be good together? i am too emotional, you are too detached, i look strong but i bruise easily, you look so fragile but i have yet to know what affects you, what moves you, what causes you to crumble, i might never know. i react too quickly, it's very rare that you react at all, i mean what i say, i'm not very sure if you say what you mean, it seems like we are always talking in riddles, i have to decipher every line, every word, it was fun, for a while, until somewhere along the way, i too got lost in translation. opposites attract right? but what if it's too different? when two people are worlds apart what then?

they say, insanity means doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. . . if i choose to try again does that make me insane?

i have no idea. . . maybe i should,

but then again maybe i shouldn't

i was watching a film the other night, boy meets girl, boy falls in love, girl hesitates, girl makes up her mind, boy has second thoughts, ending? they parted ways, sad, sad affair. what made me think though was what the guy said, "sometimes, the beauty is in the attempt" , whether you failed or succeeded it does not really matter, what is important is that you tried. i understand fear, i know how it feels to be scared of the unknown, but nothing is certain, you just have to put yourself out there and hope against hope that you get picked, that everything goes well.

and if it doesn't? i am admittedly hard headed, stubborn as hell, you tell me it can't happen and i'll do my damnest to prove you wrong. i hold on far longer than i should, but when i decide to let go. . . i never look back. what is done is done, that's why i never surrender, until you give up on me that is.

so what now?

i still don't know. maybe i should just be contented in the glorious attempt. it failed, miserably, but i gave it my all, that's all anyone can ask for. . .

too bad it was not enough then. funny, what makes me think it is going to be enough now?

shall i treat you
like an old friend,
whom i have lain in
constant wait for?
one whom i have wished
to come my way once more
one who kept my eyes
firmly glued to the door?

hoping it will open
one of these very
unassuming days
it will slowly, timidly
give me a tiny crack
and let you in

a familiar face,
one that i will
instantly recognize
for a bit there i thought
i'd forgotten what you
look like, feel like
please remind me again
of the warmth i had
gotten accustomed to before,
what i felt i lost
in the shuffle

in the mundane
and commonplace,
will you please let me
feel extraordinary again
wrap me up
in your mystery
and take me to the heights
my soul seem to fall short on
let me soar,
and if in some way
i have forgotten how to float
remind me again how
it feels to be weightless
worryless,

oh love,
i have indeed missed you
take my breath away again
allow me to not think again
let me hear you whisper
my name again
a haunting sound
escaping your exquisite lips
let me hold you in my arms again

and if by some luck
i hear you faintly knock
it won't be in vain dear,
i won't succumb to my fear,
i won't fail to hear