love,

told you birthdays are the loneliest times of the year. . .

and i knew you tried
to be happy,
to have fun,
to forget what it is
that makes you bleed,
keeps you up at night sometimes,
for a few hours you made a huge effort
to conceal that it was killing you too. . .

i felt the tears,
even before i saw them
running down your soft cheeks,
i heard them coming,
the crack in your voice, the stilted breathing,
the heavy sighs. . .

it's your first. . .

for five straight years all holidays were spent with her,
and i know that at the back of your mind
you would always wish she were here too,
she was your life, your best friend, your partner in crime
i would never replace her
i have said so countless of times
she would always stay hidden
tucked away in a very special place,
it's okay, i understand

i just wish
that you never hope
she were here instead of me. . .

it's alright love,
we'll make new memories
no worries
i love you to pieces. . .

happy birthday.

Its joy, its ecstasy, its truth its destiny
And even love is not enough
To tell you how you make me feel
Theres only one word for this, it's. . .


bliss. . .

and i was
so sure i
would never
find it again

was always
certain i would
forever have
it dangled in front
of me like
a bait, a lure
of some sort
one that when
i bravely sink
my teeth into
either disappears
or worse,
takes me for a ride
and then
drops me, all
bloodied, gasping
for air,

tricked again
into believing
that it's
the real thing
i crave it too
much that a tiny
glimpse, a promise
however fleeting
makes me jump
in, head first

i almost drowned the last time. . .

you are my
unexpected ray
of sunshine
(believe me, you are)
i could run
again, free
freefall because
i know you'd
catch me,
hold me in
your arms as
tightly as you can,
let no one
harm me

you make me
happy
sorry if i
sometimes fail
to tell you
that you do

please swear
you won't stop, love
come fly away with me. . .

All you want
Is right here in this room
All you want
And all you need
Is sitting here with you. . .


sometimes life,
and all its
craziness overwhelms you,
it swallows you,
pulls you down
till all you
see is oblivion
free falling
into a box
with no windows,
no way out. . .

your heart pounds
you start to
panic, the worries
are not just
creeping now,
they're running
after you, way
faster than you
steady, steady
don't fall down
they will bury you
once they catch up. . .

fear is threatening
to overpower you
yet again,
you're losing your
grip, it used to
be so firm,
you're slipping,
drowning. . .

breathe. . .

when everything
is moving
all too fast
and all you
can think of
is bolting,
or staying in
place, dwelling,
i keep asking
you to just
breathe. . .

and think of me

i hope i will make
you as strong as
you are making me,
everytime i see you
there's no more room
for doubts, or fears,
the worries fall away
i am invincible. . .

do my trick, just think of me
and remember that i am
always, always on your side

i miss you

so damned much

it's almost

painful, even

to breathe

you are somewhat

my air now

i take you in

and try as

hard as i

can to not

let you out

i reach out

to you

even in my

dreams

i long to

hold you

taste your skin

smell your

now familiar

scent that

penetrates me

and stays

with me,

accompanies me

until i can

touch you again

no you are

not a routine

my being with

you would

never be

just a habit

everytime i'm

close to you

it is a new

experience

i'll never grow

tired of

please hurry home

my lips beg

for yours

my arms are

empty without

you here

love, hurry home

tiny kisses
on my forehead,
my shoulder,
planted on my
smooth cheek
when you
touch my face,
a slow caress
like i would
break, as if
i'm fragile. . .

when you
wake up
in the middle
of the night
and automatically
reach out
for me,
when you
hold me close
like you'd
never want to
let go of me,
when you seek
my warmth
the way i
search for yours. . .

when you
wipe the sweat
off my brows,
and remind me
to always, always
bring a towel,
when you
panic when
i'm being a
a total klutz. . .

some of the
little things
that make me
love you more

funny, i thought
i already love
you too much,
you just went
ahead and showed
me i'm still
capable of more

stick and stones may hurt my bones
but words will never hurt me. . .

it's a childhood chant. taught by my teachers so that we could probably develop a thicker skin, lesser propensity to feel emotional pain, to brush off insults or anything demeaning more quickly. i never learned the trick. i never lived by this.

i have hurt more than my share of people, close to me or not because of my defensiveness, my quick tongue. i can beat people up with a few choice words. i get angry so fast, i blow up way too early, when i do i send out a barrage of curses or take to name calling or just plain mockery. i become careless, thoughtless, they hurt me i have to retaliate. i can apologize later anyway right?

wrong.

and i learned it the hard way. i have lost way too many people because i said things i did not even mean. those that i did manage to save, my relationship with them was never ever the same again.

i am a master of words, or at least i'd like to think that i am. i can use them to woo, to show my sincerity, i can string up sentences to let people know i'm happy, it has always been easy for me to convey what i feel when i write or talk, gift of glib alright. i can use it as a weapon too, though. since i know what people would love to hear, i also am very familiar with what would anger them, cause them to stir. i can cut them with my words and make the wounds deep. i know what to target, i know what to avoid. i'm a mercenary, at least i was.

until i realized that it's not just a game.

that what i say or write affects some people too much. that i can break them apart. that i can destroy their belief in themselves. that i could kill their self esteem. that each word i speak can act as lashes that leave welts.

they say those who live by the sword, dies by the sword. i say those who live by words, can die by them too. i know first hand how it feels to be made mincemeat through phrases carelessly thrown at me. it is not a pretty feeling, not at all.

so i stopped.

now i never speak when i'm angry or hurt or both. not when i'm frustrated or confused or both. not when emotions are running high and thoughtfulness too low. i wait.

till i can think again. till i am reasonable again. when i have cooled down and i am sure that what i will say or write i really mean. i do not wanna say anything i can't take back, i'd rather stay silent.

maybe it's foolish. but then again, maybe that makes me wise.

stick and stones, they hurt my bones
but words, they pierce through my soul. . .

too much to do
too little time
sometimes all
you need is
a moment to
breathe, converse
with your self,
focus, push all
your fears aside
jump in. . .

let go. . .

a little bit
of clarity
a small dose
of sunshine
coming out
of the cracks
a little bit
of hope
a tiny ounce
of freedom,

shout, scream
if you must,
let the tears
freely flow
let it flood
your sorrows,
maybe after all's
been said and
done, you'll
be almost human again. . .

feeling everything again,
i know how
much you would
love to just
be numb, it's easier,
no pain, no more hurting

no more joy either,
just going
through the motion
you might make
it through
but what will
you have to
show for it?

an empty shell,
just a shadow
of what you
could've been
you deserve more
than that, i
know you do

so just
take your time,
sort things out
like i said
i won't be
going anywhere
i'm just here
go on and breathe