. . . and all the tears i cry

no matter how i try

will never bring you home to me

will you wait for me

in heaven. . .

i keep expecting you

to come out of

your room and

shout orders with 

your booming voice. . .

you are our king

and our house is your castle

you watch over us

and guide us all. . .

you will still be doing that

albeit from a different podium,

a different palace. . .

everytime i come home

you are the first

person i look for,

i ask for you first thing

and i smile whenever i

find out that you

are just upstairs

lying on your bed

watching tv, basketball, our favorite. . .

you'll still be upstairs

but now it's somewhere 

i'll never be able to see you. . .

i lie beside you

hug your tummy

you hug me back

kiss the top of my head

and we just stay there

exchanging insults

bantering to our

heart's content and

we laugh. . .

i tried to hug you the

last time i saw you

but i never got a hug back. . .

last time we talked

i was explaining 

the trilogy "lord of the rings" to you

you can never

get the characters straight

but i still sat there

patiently telling you

the whole story

i wear your ring now

it was included in the

pile of all your belonging 

you left behind. . .

i will never understand

why you left us

even if everyone

would sit beside me

and patiently discuss to me

the merits, the cycle, the inevitable

it would still be 

unfathomable to me

how one very

unassuming night

you wandered out

and never looked back. . .

you used to

always come back

no matter how drunk

no matter how late

we would hear your car

we would hear you knock. . .

i'm still waiting. . .

i'll always, forever be waiting. . .

each time you say

that you regret leaving

when you did

you stick a knife

right through my heart

each tear you cry

are droplets of

my blood gushing

out of my veins

crippling me

you mourn what you lost

so much that i wonder

if you gained anything

at all when youchose me. . .

you tell me over and over

that you love me,

and i believe you

each and every time,

i just wonder if you would ever

love me as much

as you loved, scratch that,

still love her?

i knew i would

never be able

to compete with her,

i never intended to. . .

i shouldn't have to. . .

she's in the past

yes, colorful, loving,

wonderful and all the

damned superlatives

but then again,

she's in the past. . .

i am your now

i would love to

be your future too

but your feet are still

stuck in what was

you say you regret

all that you used to have

will you feel the same pang

for what you might lose again?

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i knew it would

be the best feeling. . .

waking up right

next to you

watching your slow

smile creeping up

reaching your eyes

your warmth pushing

away the coldness,

warmer than my sheets

your scent, i miss it

all the damn time

fills my head, i smell

your hair, your neck

my finger follows

a trail, a map

of your features

i trace your face

i, very subtly linger

like i can't believe

you are really there

so i have to feel

every bit of you

to make sure i'm

not in a dream

you are right there

i hug you and

you don't disappear

into thin air

you just hold

me right back

did i ever tell you

that i love mornings?

especially now that

i get to start each day

with you laying in my arms. . .

you used to

remind me to

never hold your

hand in public,

never kiss, hug,

stand too close

i couldn't help

but wonder if

you just didn't

want to be seen

next to me,

you were always

ever so cautious. . .

i forget from

time to time,

i grab your arm

let my hand slide down

till i am grasping yours

hoping you would not

notice anymore,

i steal kisses, in

dark corridors,

i hold on to you

a tiny bit longer

than i should

i tuck your hair,

touch your face

as often as i could

i figured you'd

get used to it

pretty soon (another tactic eh? hehehe)

sometimes you fail

to notice

that i'm doing

what you specifically told

me not to

but most of the

time you still

manage to remember

i just grow

quiet when you do that. . .

i never saw you

smile wider than

you did tonight

you ran, no, flew

in to my arms

and held me tightly,

in front of everyone else

please never tire

of loving me back,

i'm worth it,

you'll see

=)

like i said before, i envy her.
i will always do.
all that i missed, all i'm still missing.
she will always be there, i know that for a fact.
i have prepared for that, i have conditioned myself
for the fight that was ahead, i just hoped it would not be a never ending one.

well it just might be. . .

i hate battles.
strong as i may seem, inside i'm really weak.
i cringe at the drop of a hat.
you even likened me to a baby,
all soft and sensitive, maybe i am.

i can't compete with a memory.
i have been trying for the past 4 months,
sadly, it had been futile
i pick myself up, breathe deeply, suck it in
as hard as it may be, losing you is not an option.
i soldier on.
i look at you and nothing else matters. . .

you try all you can too
i see how much effort you put into it
you hold it all in
and try not to let me know
how she still haunts you
but i can tell
the slightest movement, the deep sighs,
the far away looks
the shift in moods. . .

you say she's everywhere.
well if she is, then where am i?
she was your everything,
i only want to be a little piece of you
a tiny bit, is it too much to ask?

i am not belittling all you've done,
i am belittling what i have
after all's said and done
i'm still here
waiting in the wings
wondering when my time will finally be up

she ends where i start,
she hasn't ended, how will i start?
when can i start?

like you, i am hoping it will be soon too.
soon.

it's all too new

for you and for me

i know i would

sometimes fumble

my mistakes would

hurt you, unintentionally, of course

and sometimes normal

words might turn harsh

i'll try and shrug

them all off

as long as i can

as long as i need to

in a perfect world

a kiss, a hug

a tiny act of

kindness, disregarded pride,

the proverbial

looking the other way,

would magically wash

away all the pain

melt all of the sadness

cure every ache. . .

but i am flawed,

you are not a saint

we are but two

broken individuals

grasping at each other

to complete our missing parts,

i was always certain

that i hold what

you always sought

i still might,

but then again

i might not. . .

and you would've just

squandered both time

and energy holding on to me. . .

i sincerely hope

that it won't be the case

when i lay in silence

i wish as hard

as i possibly can

that i could, in

some way be all

that you truly need

i am an expert

at falling short,

for once i would

like to think i

can be enough

maybe this time i would. . .