"I think it is time I let you go, and that is so hard to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life, but the daydreaming, the running in place .. it's not healthy. So this is me, cutting the cord. This is me, doing what I should have done months ago ... saying goodbye."



Here's the dream. . . I will meet the love of my life, I will get to know her, court her, she'll love me back, and although our life will be filled with ups and downs, as most life is, we will make it, we will hold on and we will live mostly happily ever after. That's the plan, my dream. Nowhere in there was a part when I will let you go, walk away, say goodbye. . .


That's how it was supposed to be. That's how everything played on my mind. On my carefully planned life you are my first and you should also be my last. Now it doesn't have to be too cut and dried, I was open to a few bumps on the road. I knew nothing runs that smoothly and I was in for quite a tough ride but I always thought that I would get past that, we would always get past that and just move on stronger, that's how it should be, right?


Then why 6 years later I'm still running in circles?


I have met the love of my life, I got to know her, I've courted her, she had loved me, we have been through the highs and lows, we have struggled and although we were supposed to hang tough it broke us. It was not supposed to play that way, we were supposed to weather the storm. I thought that this would be one of the struggles we should have to face for a little while then we will find each other again like we were supposed to, years later I'm still waiting for the lows to end, I don't think it would though, not this time.


Still I tried to hang on, tell myself that this is all part of the dream, that the greater the struggle the better the outcome. This was just a phase, I'll find you again, you'll see, and we'll both be better for it. I never predicted that better would turn to a bitter ending.


And it has, hasn't it? Turned bitter, and painful. The saga that was supposed to end brightly doesn't seem to have the ending I envisioned. No pats on our back for being strong enough to make it, no rewards for doing a great job hanging tough, no hugs that might mend some of the pain, no words of love, no hopeful smiles, just battle weary minds with pain filled eyes greated us at the finish line.


What happened to us? I have been asking that question over and over. I've replayed each scene, analyzed every move, mulled over every decision and still I have no answer. Except for the one thing that I never want to admit, never even wanna cross my mind. It can't be the answer, it shouldn't be. . . but I now know that it probably is. . .


Maybe we just weren't meant to be. Maybe somewhere along the way I did something wrong, you made a mistake, we both made a wrong turn and lost our way. Maybe I tried too hard. Maybe all I could do, all I could give was not enough. Maybe I wasn't enough. Maybe we were doomed from the start and I just couldn't face it. And the one reason that I never ever want to have to admit to. . . maybe you weren't the love of my life? Maybe you were destined for someone else and all I did was got in the way?


What do I do then?


Probably the only thing that's left to do. What I should've done months ago. What I've been putting off, what I've been dreading, what I never would've thought I would do. . .


Let go. . .


Walk away. . .


Cut my losses. . .


Give up. . .


Say goodbye. . .


It still doesn't seem real. I still can't picture myself doing this. I have loved you for a long time and I probably would love you all my life so you could just imagine how hard this is for me. I mean, I never even saw myself doing this, walking away from you. I can't help feeling as if I'm betraying you right now, giving up on you, something I said I'd never do. But you and I know that sooner or later I have to.


Because if I don't. . . I'll be stuck here. I'll be relieving the memories and hoping that someday my luck would change. We would be right for each other and again I would hope, then the cycle begins again.


I can't live like that anymore. I just can't. So I'm saying goodbye to you now. Cleansing my soul. I might feel empty for a little while but at least I can now allow someone else to come in. You'll be better for it, trust me, and I'll be better for it too. Just not right now, not yet. Soon though, I hope


So goodbye my friend, my sometimes nemesis, my dream, my one time love. Who knows, in another lifetime we might meet again and then finish what we started. I know I'll miss you. . . I already do. . .

. . .make me a story book. . .
write me away from here. . .
i need a different now. . .

6:30 pm I wake up, prepare for work, bathe, eat, try to catch some of the news on tv, leave.

8 pm I get to the office, log on to my pc, put on my headset and start my shift. Within that shift I take 2 15-minute breaks and a 1 hour "lunch". I take calls, surf the net, talk with my peers, read.

5 am, my shift ends, time to go back home. I turn off my pc, put my stuff in my locker, have my bag inspected, ride the jeep, then the bus, and another jeep. Home at last

Around 7 am. I'm home again. I eat breakfast, play trivia on my computer, watch dvds, sometimes read, prepare for bed, sleep

My alarm goes off. . . 6:30 again and my day starts. . .

This is my life.

Boring.
Routine.
Mind-numbing.
Predictable.

Sometimes I wanna scream.

It's like watching the same show over and over. I've memorized the lines, I know what will happen next I just wanna grab the remote and switch channels. Anything other than the one I'm watching right now. Except that the remote is broken and there's no way to fix it. I'm supposed to be the director of my life and yet right now I'm a helpless spectator, I cannot even boo myself.

It's like I'm in a dream and I wanna wake up now but I can't. I'm trapped in this scene playing over and over I just want it to stop. I just don't have any idea how.

The monotony is killing me. I need something new. A change, someone to change my over boring existence. I wanna be surprised, I want someone to surprise me. Someone to take me away from all this predictability. I want to not know what will happen next, I want to guess my outcome I don't want to just lie and wait for the inevitable.

My now is so bleak and lonely. So depressing. Not even a sliver of excitement, an ounce of mirth. I am so tired of repeating the same routine, I am exhausted to wake up each day knowing that again, everything's unchanged.

I need to feel something, anything other than defeat. I wanna be eager to arise each day and begin as if I had a purpose. I need to wake up and look forward to another day where I might be able to find you, see you, be with you. I need to know that that day would come. I need to know that you would be waiting for me eager to discover me as I am so eager to discover you as well. I need to remain hopeful, that someday my now would include you. And that someday I will be happy again. I need to believe it could happen. I need you to tell me it could. . . please. . .

let me feel
i don't care if i break down
let me fall
even if i hit the ground
and if i, cry a little, die a little. . .
at least i know i lived. . . just a little


These are a few lines from Bethany Joy Galeotti's song Let me Fall. For the longest time these has been a frequent shoutout of mine and also my IM status message. If you listen to the whole song it's pretty good, but everytime it gets to this part I always feel a distinct ache in my chest.

Just six little lines yet it sums up my lifetime plea

Let me feel. . .
No, I'm not numb, the opposite really. Pain, joy, sorrow, excitement and lately loneliness. Yep, a lot lonelier these days. I haven't felt excitement paricularly love recently. Not my choice . Just that I've been in the dumps more than usual. I'll get over this lonely phase. Soon enough I hope.

I dont care if I break down.
A little desperate, maybe. But really, to feel alive again, even if it meant breaking down afterward, I'd give anything for that.

Let me fall. . .
Not that I'm asking to fall down but rather to fall for someone. Deeply, recklessly, swiftly. Without thought, I have this mistake of over thinking sometimes and for once I just want to fall, and hopefully someone catches me. But if not. . .

even if i hit the ground. . .
I'll take that too. I'd rather fall flat on my face bloodied than safely cruising along. I'm not a masochist, if I had a choice of course I would definitely choose to not get hurt. But there really are no guarantees. I should just leap. . .

and if I cry a little, die a little. . .
I take a leap, I float a bit and if I'm lucky someone will catch me. Someone will hold me up and help me soar some more. Someone will hold me close, keep me safe, let me feel that the risk was well worth it. And if it doesn't end well. . . if I fall alone. . .

at least i know i lived. . . just a little
At least for a little while I flew. I felt invincible. I can do anything, be anyone, be fearless. The landing may not have been what I planned, what I hoped for, but for a little while I was free. It may not have lasted long but at least I've had a taste of what it feels like to be alive. To live for the moment. Uncaring. I just want to be, for once, spectacular. For a moment have a little taste of heaven a small glimpse of paradise before I become ordinary again. I would've wanted to stay there forever but if I can't, at least for a moment I was whole. If I shatter the very next day I would at least have this moment to go back to. To visit when it gets too lonely. To reminisce when it gets too cold.

If I could just have a moment. . .

Chief: Can I cut in? (Brian walks away looking really scared, Camille laughs) 

Camille: What did you say to my boyfr

iend to make him that scared of you? 

Chief: I'm a frightening man, Cammie. 

Camille: No, you're not. 

Chief: Where Brian’s concerned, yes I am. 

Camille: Be kind to him. He loves me. I've been loved. And that's something everyone should have, once in their life. I've been loved. Thank you for the prom, Uncle Richard.

Chief: You're welcome.

This was a conversation between Seattle Grace's chief of surgery, Richard, and his dying niece, Camille. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer since she was 14 years old and now at 17 time is running out she only had a few months to live. It was a touching scene, more touching was the line I had higlighted. I've been loved. And that's something everyone should have, once in their life. I've been loved.

Now, can everyone say the same thing? When I leave this life, can I honestly say that I have been loved? I've been thinking about the answer to that one for a couple of weeks now, and it saddens me that my answer would have to be a big fat NO.

 Well, let me clarify that one. I have been loved, by parents, siblings, other relatives, friends and a few pets - I'm not a total loser you know. However, I don't think this is the type of love Camille spoke of. I think what she was describing was the romantic kind, the toe curling, mind numbing, sometimes-heart-wrenching love that is the stuff of legends and tragedies alike. The kind that always eludes us and yet we still try most our lives to even get a glimpse of. The kind who could either complete us or leave us empty. The kind that either makes us or breaks us. The kind that either makes us better people or totally ruins us. The kind that either makes us bold and fearless or turns us into cowards afraid of our own shadow. I have been on the other side though, I have loved. I have taken the heart of someone and promised to take care of it as much as I possibly can. I believe this is the easy part. Loving someone is not the scary part, it is the liberating part. Waiting for someone to love you back. . . now that scares the hell out of me.

Falling in love, for me, is a no brainer, you don't even have to make an effort, no trick to it, no instruction manual needed, you just go through your routine then suddenly you fall. And do not make the mistake of thinking you had any choice regarding this, you don't get to choose who you fall for, you just kind of do. Making someone fall for you, that's the hardest part. Can we even do that? Are we even capable of doing that?

I mean, we can try, I have tried, 28 years and I'm still trying, nothing's happening though. I have given till I don't have anything left to give. I have pushed and pulled till I was too tired to even think. I have held on till there was nothing more to do but give up. I have haggled and debated till there were no more words left to utter. I have fought till I no longer have any fight left in me. And still nothing. . . 

Now I realize that probably I have been doing it all wrong. I said falling in love takes no effort at all. No words, no movements, no thoughts. . . you just fall. Now I realize that after you fall the only thing left to do is wait for whomever you fell for to fall for you as well. No amount of tears or work or care or love would make them move an inch and take the plunge with you. All you can do is give them time. . . wait for them to fall too. Now this is tricky. Because them falling does not assure that they'll fall for you.

Told you this is the hardest part didn't I? Probably it's because it's not up to you. None of it is. You just wait. And yeah, hope. It's depressing, I know. You feel helpless. Now will the wait be worth it? I'm not really sure, like I said I haven't been loved, so I can't really tell. Like everyone else I'm still waiting. . .