
Camille: What did you say to my boyfr
iend to make him that scared of you?
Chief: I'm a frightening man, Cammie.
Camille: No, you're not.
Chief: Where Brian’s concerned, yes I am.
Camille: Be kind to him. He loves me. I've been loved. And that's something everyone should have, once in their life. I've been loved. Thank you for the prom, Uncle Richard.
Chief: You're welcome.
This was a conversation between Seattle Grace's chief of surgery, Richard, and his dying niece, Camille. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer since she was 14 years old and now at 17 time is running out she only had a few months to live. It was a touching scene, more touching was the line I had higlighted. I've been loved. And that's something everyone should have, once in their life. I've been loved.
Now, can everyone say the same thing? When I leave this life, can I honestly say that I have been loved?
I've been thinking about the answer to that one for a couple of weeks now, and it saddens me that my answer would have to be a big fat NO.
Well, let me clarify that one. I have been loved, by parents, siblings, other relatives, friends and a few pets - I'm not a total loser you know. However, I don't think this is the type of love Camille spoke of. I think what she was describing was the romantic kind, the toe curling, mind numbing, sometimes-heart-wrenching love that is the stuff of legends and tragedies alike. The kind that always eludes us and yet we still try most our lives to even get a glimpse of. The kind who could either complete us or leave us empty. The kind that either makes us or breaks us. The kind that either makes us better people or totally ruins us. The kind that either makes us bold and fearless or turns us into cowards afraid of our own shadow.
I have been on the other side though, I have loved. I have taken the heart of someone and promised to take care of it as much as I possibly can. I believe this is the easy part. Loving someone is not the scary part, it is the liberating part. Waiting for someone to love you back. . . now that scares the hell out of me.
Falling in love, for me, is a no brainer, you don't even have to make an effort, no trick to it, no instruction manual needed, you just go through your routine then suddenly you fall. And do not make the mistake of thinking you had any choice regarding this, you don't get to choose who you fall for, you just kind of do. Making someone fall for you, that's the hardest part.
Can we even do that? Are we even capable of doing that?
I mean, we can try, I have tried, 28 years and I'm still trying, nothing's happening though. I have given till I don't have anything left to give. I have pushed and pulled till I was too tired to even think. I have held on till there was nothing more to do but give up. I have haggled and debated till there were no more words left to utter. I have fought till I no longer have any fight left in me. And still nothing. . .
Now I realize that probably I have been doing it all wrong.
I said falling in love takes no effort at all. No words, no movements, no thoughts. . . you just fall.
Now I realize that after you fall the only thing left to do is wait for whomever you fell for to fall for you as well. No amount of tears or work or care or love would make them move an inch and take the plunge with you. All you can do is give them time. . . wait for them to fall too.
Now this is tricky. Because them falling does not assure that they'll fall for you.
Told you this is the hardest part didn't I?
Probably it's because it's not up to you. None of it is. You just wait. And yeah, hope. It's depressing, I know. You feel helpless. Now will the wait be worth it? I'm not really sure, like I said I haven't been loved, so I can't really tell. Like everyone else I'm still waiting. . .
1 comment:
Life couldn't come out the way you want it to be, it may be unfair yes but this has reason for God knows what's best for you. You may struggle at times but you can be happy afterwards... well this is how we move day by day. No matter how you spin the wheel of life be thankful for the air that you breathe and for your heart is beating every time you wake up in the morning. Enjoy life my friend and be happy!
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