what excites me?

the scent of a
lovely rose as
it starts to blossom
the early morning
light, dawn, the
first blush of morn
the smell of rain
as it gently kisses
the ground
making everything
fresh, unspoiled
panoramic
the tide pushing
itself to the shore
taking away the
imprints on the
course sand
an innocent child
starting to open
its eyes to stare
at its first taste
of light
a fragile heart
as it beats again
after a long
hiatus
to be in a long
state of comma
then to suddenly
start to feel again
a lost soul
finding a tiny sign
that points to the
long awaited way out

you. . .
excite me
and you are not
even doing anything yet

and that's what
scares the hell out of me

i'm not asking
for forever
i know it won't come
i'm not waiting
for answers
i know you won't
say anything
you won't ask me
to stop
you won't say
please give up
i won't hear
any of these

i'm not
hoping that you'll
someday walk alongside me
i can't
imagine that on
a clear night
you'll want to watch
the stars with me
i shouldn't
wish one day
you'll wake and
want just me

i can dream. . .
but sooner or later
i have to wake up
and the reality is
though you are
so close that i
can just reach out
and touch your hand
and every strand
of air i breathe
is the same as
the one you are
breathing as well
if i move you'll
vanish

like the smoke
coming out of
the cigarette i hold
i inhale your scent
and in one long
exhale, you are
blown away
the wind will carry
you too far for me
to follow

i'll take you in
just as long as
i still can
let your haunting
charm, take me away
and when it's time
to say farewell
i'll just glance once. . .

like fine sand
that i grasp so
tightly, the tiny beads
of you slip ever
so swiftly
till all that's left
are my hands
all bare again

for my little sis, who's not so little anymore (hahahahahaha)

just let me be
if you can't love me
please set me free
do not reach out
if you have no
intention of holding
on to me
don't keep my
hopes up
just to crush it
later on
don't tell me things
i might believe
just to take them
all away again
as soon as you
feel like it
i am not a game
you can start
and stop whenever
you feel the urge
to play

i'm getting tired
of this endless cycle
of running to
and away from you
we can't move forward
and we shouldn't look back
so why don't we just
stay where we are
safely tucked away
in our own little corners?

in a different time
we might meet again
on a very ordinary day
we might brush up again
maybe then, we'd have
better luck
but right now, i guess
we should have to stop
and this time
we should mean it
for both our sakes

to erica, for her olive (hahahahahaha)

mine. . .

just when i thought
my time was over
i've had my share
of tears, pain
my heart broken
countless times
i was ready to give up
on love and everything
it offered
without warning
you came to me
and brought with you

a promise of new
beginnings, a better day
something i could
hold on to
a new meaning
to my darkness
you shone your light
i thank you for that
you give me love
without thought, without effort
i only hope that
in my own little way
i've shown how
much i adore you

you have my heart
in the palm of your hands
do with it what you like
it's yours to keep
just as your heart
is mine, mine
all mine

i am trying
my darnest
to play by
the rules that
you set
following whatever
protocol imposed on me
i have to play
it cool, act ever
so nonchalantly
you don't like it
if i move too close
you might bolt suddenly
if i press too hard
if i show too much
if i react too soon

i should learn how
to bid my time
chill out, relax
wait for you to
come to me
in your own sweet time
wait until you find
the courage to
take another chance

okay, i'll be here
and when you feel
the urge to be daring
i'll just be close, dear

no matter how
far or how long
i keep running
no matter where
i try to go
into hiding
whatever i tell
myself there's
just no denying
i will never be
free of you
or your memory
you will always be
probably the best
part of me

i was always
pretty good at pretense
i could ignore
people until i get
so used to it
they stop existing
in my world
i could fill my head
with random thoughts
make myself busy
until there is no
more room left
for anyone else
to occupy
i could tune people out
i could rid myself
of every little thing
that would remind me
of the person
i am trying to forget

it has always worked
my strategy, always
saved me
but not this time,
not with you
not without
killing me too. . .

i miss you
when i swore i wouldn't,
not anymore

waiting..
hoping for another glance
trying to turn away,
while resisting the urge
to look back.

i know i couldn't
you told me i shouldn't
ask you to not go
you can never stay

you can never give me
enough rain
enough smile
enough time
to believe what i feel

and i could never
give you enough
sunshine
enough space
enough time
to trust what you feel

so where do we go from here?

i could lie
and tell you
i've moved on
but i cannot pretend
that i wont flinch
at every gesture,
every move,
every smile
that you are
slowly giving
to everyone but me.

would you wince
should you see me
start to regard you
as just a part of my history
if i begin to open
another chapter of my story
with the lead different
this time
would you falter?

can i, please, not answer
can i, just like before
glide, move
and let you be?

for my little sis:

i was a master
of averting disaster
i was equipped
with super sensors
i could catch a lie
from a mile away
i prided myself
in being able
to look people in the eye
and read their
thoughts, their intentions
any hidden agenda
i could pry them out
with a skill honed
from countless bouts
with pretenders, posers
those who were out
to wring my emotions
until i'm all dried up
nothing left
not even a drop
i was so careful
so cautious,
my moves so calculated

but you
and your words dipped in honey
you tempted me
with your arms outstretched

you made me
for a second, think
that you could catch me,
that you won't allow me
to touch the ground. . .

good thing, i forgot how to trust
long before you ever came

shall i consider
it a curse
that i always
get attracted to
people who are
too far out
of my league?
that i always
try to touch
everyone who has
a neon sign that
says off limits?
that i shy away
from people
within my reach
and look ahead
to those who are
running towards the
other direction?
why am i so intent
to fight for
what most would tag
lost causes?
do i have a death wish
of some sort?
complications have a
way of fascinating me
just as soon as it
becomes impossible
i try harder

something in my brain
must have short circuited
or like someone said
i may be a sucker for pain

but simple is just
not as thrilling
not as satisfying

do you notice my pattern?

here i am again
trying to justify
why i'm starting to
defy what should be
and begin to believe in
what might be. . .

tsk, i never learn, do i?

you smiled at
me again today
that crooked smile
that makes my
pulse race
i said something,
you thought it was funny
i didn't even hear
myself speak
my heartbeat is
deafening
then you flashed
that familiar grin
told you that would
probably be my undoing
you take my breath
without meaning to
with your slightest
movement, when you
tuck your hair behind your ear,
when you straighten your shirt,
when you self consciously
smoothen the imaginary
crease on your pants,
you have me entranced

if only you knew
what you so
unintentionally do to me. . .

you are very slowly
starting to become
a part of my every day
shall i make myself
a part of yours too?

in a little while, maybe

i guess it
won't be easy
to start over
to move forward
without even a
glance back
to fix my eyes
on the road ahead
and not look back
at the path i am leaving
to walk onwards
when it feels like
both feet are chained
to where i'm standing
to stop myself
from running back
force myself
to stop thinking
about what happened
the what ifs
the what could have beens
and concentrate on
making new memories
creating another story
where the ending
is beyond me

we knew where
we were heading right?
where the page
is supposed to finish
we knew even before
we started, ours was
a tragedy

i know it would
probably be one of
the toughest things
i would have to endure
but for your sake
and for my own
i have to start writing
a different saga

one that doesn't
begin and end with you

If i could have one wish
If i could have some say
I'd keep you far from home
I'd roll back both my sleeves
Dig under your skin
And fix your shattered bones

Hold on,
This may hurt you when i tell you of the truth,
We don't get two lives to live
It's true,
The only fault i've found in you
Is not being free to take what i would give

If i could bend your pain
Into something good
Make you a prouder woman
If i could rough you up
And save you with good luck
And show you hope again

Hold on,
You weren't meant to suffer so very long
Leaving love that's gone has never been a sin
Hang tight,
The only fault you have tonight
Is shutting down so cold till i break in.

Oh sad young woman,
I think i need you.
For reasons i don't know
I pledge myself to winter season
So it's perfectly on course
But in the end it has to snow.

If i could make you stay
Convince you you'd be lost
If we were torn apart
If it remained unclear
Between the two of us
Which one would be the one
To break the others heart

Hold on,
This will floor me differently
Than any drug that's washed me into sleep
It's true
The only fault i'll take from you
Is how to run from what you wish to keep

would it be
my fault
if i very quietly
inched away from you?
if i upped and
very slowly,
with a heavy heart
leave
would i still
be to blame?
if i silently
picked up whatever
is left of
my shattered self
and crept far
from where you are
would i still
be held accountable?
should i feel remorse?
should i be reprimanded?
for staying as
far and as unattached?

i don't count
i will not be missed
you will never
regret that i got
too tired to try again

i will not be
thought about. . .
save for a few
measly words written
on my behalf

i wish i could
be neruda for a night
so maybe i could
write a litany
of what i would
do should you
forget me
i could say outright
that i'll cease
to remember you
long before any trace
of my memory
escapes you

if i were him
maybe i could
begin to write
the saddest lines
those that would
make you bleed
deep scarlet
blood trickling
each tiny drop
perfectly staining
my stark skin
he could pen
harshness, cruelty
and disguise them
as innocent musings
nobody would even
know the difference

if i were him
maybe i could
gather words
and scatter them
find the proper rhyme
that might make you weep
silent tears
each one a testament
to every little thing
you have lost
a reminder of all
that you have given up
all you are still
willing to let
slip from your grasp

if i could be
neruda just for
a few precious hours
maybe i could
firmly promise
that these are the
last pains i would
let you make me suffer
and these are the
last verses i would
ever write for you

but i am not him
my words are
empty, shallow
i could only attempt
to mimic what he
effortlessly creates
i could only
fervently hope
you might hear me
know what i mean
i could only
pretend to touch greatness
like i pretend
that i could
peek into your soul

i won't wait. . .
i may love pain
but i'm only human
i can only take so much
till i can't take anymore

i won't bend. . .
i may have mastered
the art of swaying,
going with whatever
direction the wind blows
and then i'd break

i won't change. . .
i have stretched
as far as my enduring
body would allow
and then i would crack

i will stop. . .
i have gone farther
than i thought i could,
have met resistance
at every turn
ignored your pleas
been blind to your
blatant opposition
you are indeed immovable

i will let go. . .
with bloodied hands
i have held on
but you have constantly
darted away from me
the strain is beginning
to be too much for me

i will walk away. . .
not because i want to
but because you need to
be away from me
as far away as i could possiby let you

i will quit. . .
because this time
it's the only thing
left for me to do

you have won dear,
just this once, i'll admit defeat