yeah i know
how you hate it
when i can't hold
my tongue
when i forget
when to shut up
when i ask too much
when i cross
whatever imaginary
line you've drawn up
when i overlook
the boundaries you've set
when i'm late
when i wake you up
when you've just
begun sleeping
when i do stuff
which reminds you
of someone else
when i ask
too many questions
when i bug you
about the same
thing over and over
when i can't
understand your silence
when i'm impatient
when i act like a kid

i know you hate it
but sometimes i mess up
and some days i will
still mess up

i am so sorry
can i take it back?

no clever lines
this time
no witty come-backs
no play on words
no metaphors
no denials
no justifications
no definitions
no explanations
just words
as they are
meant to be read
plain and
as simply put
i'm gonna rest
my pen
i'm out of
phrases
out of sentences
out of emotions
they were
wrung out of me
so i'm just
gonna stop
i am meant to
just stop
i'll come back
when the words
are no longer blurry
when my eyes
clear up

for now
i'm just gonna
leave you be
that was all
you ever asked of me

will i ever
reach you?
be close enough
to touch you
hold your hand
capture your
innermost thoughts
be a part
of your circle
catch a little
of your light
own a meager
piece of you
will i ever
be allowed
to share a bit
of your secrets
be privy to
your most
precious dreams
will i ever be
given a peek
to atleast
a few of your fantasies?

or will i always
be just
a lowly spectator
on the outside
struggling to look in
a part of
the many crowd
trying to get
as close as
you let them
or as you let
them think they can get?
will i always
be one foot
outside your door
imagining at some
point i'll be
allowed to come in?
will you ever let me in?

or will i just be
forever knocking,
forever trying,
forever struggling?

i sit in silence
the comforting
stillness
as it envelops me
carries me away
to a place
where there's no pain
no more worries
everything's alright now
nothing to fear
i can just lay down
let the solemn
waves take me away
somewhere other
than where i am
right now
somewhere certain
somewhere solid
somewhere i can reach out
and not get
my hand slapped
somewhere i can
call out
and not hear
just echoes
of my own voice
somewhere steady

silence lures me
seduces me
into staying
within her wings
i can rest here
stay here
where i am calm
she'll keep me safe
i am so tempted. . .

but then i see you
dark and twisted you
sarcasm personified
mind boggling
stress inducing you
my sweet tormentor. . .

i'd rather have
my world rocked
to its very core
than stay in the
peaceful shade
serenity offers

if wishes
were horses
i would've had
a forty acre land
filled with stables
i have this
habit
of asking
for far too much
than i probably
deserve
more than
is possible
more than what
i could probably
have
an eternal
optimist
my downfall,
i guess
too late to realize
that if you
want something
as badly as
i'm wanting,
needing you now
i should stop
wishing
and do something,
anything to
make you mine
the odds
are stacked up
against me
but i can't stop
not when
it's you at stake
not when
i hardly recognize
life before you
or after you

i am going
to make you
love me
however long
it takes
however hard you
make it

i am already yours
all i have to do
is make you mine
now how
in the hell can i do that?
i don't know
maybe the fates
would smile my way
this time
maybe, just maybe. . .
add another horse
to my ever growing ranch

in retrospect
should i have
done things
a little differently?
should i have been
a little less eager
a little more patient
a little more cynic
less optimistic?
should i have
been a little less open
much more secretive
pretended i was
a bit more
of an enigma?
would i have been
more interesting if i did?
would i have
prevented you from
feeling ever so restless
could i have kept you
from getting too bored,
from moving on
if i could've been
a lot less intense?
could i have made you stay
if i had chosen
an entirely different way?
or was i a failure
from the get go?
bound to crash
and burn,
a lovely flame

and knowing
that everything
would've eventually
died a silent death
would i have still gone ahead?

in a heartbeat, yes

i've been
pushed, shoved
brought to the edge
limits tested
i've been fed
a little bit
of heaven
then forced
to swallow
a somewhat bitter pill
i've been cuddled
then without
a moment's notice
been left
to fend for myself
given a glimpse
of what paradise
must look like
then had the
gates slammed
in my face
keys thrown away
i was drowning
then i saw land
but it must
have been just a mirage
'cause i never stopped
swimming yet i
am still so
far away from the shore
i thought
i saw a vision
must've been
just a figment
of my overactive imagination

would i lose hope?
just give in
let the ocean
swallow me?
put me out
of my misery?
i don't think i can
heaven may be
too far away from me
but i know that
it's still somewhere out there
just beyond my reach
i'm not quitting now. . .