"i'm thinking of going back to being straight. . ."

i was talking to a friend of mine the other day and this was her opening statement. i sat there, right in front of her dumbfounded. she had to almost shake me so i would speak again. when i finally did, there were only five words i could utter, "will that make you happier?" it was her turn to shut up for a few minutes. afterward, she only smiled, a small smile, as if in deep thought.

really now, will switching sides make your life better?

will attempting to become "normal" make you any happier?

is it even possible to "switch sides", change preferences, be "straight" when you know you really are not?

which two sides am i talking about? not the right or the wrong side, although, more often than not people tag it as that. neither are they the dark or the light side, although, again, most people equate them with that. it's not the good and the bad side, i have heard them labeled as such but i refuse to believe in that.

so which sides am i talking about?

the straight (and narrow, hehehe) and the homosexual (lesbian, gay, faggot, butch, dyke and whatever slanderous and oftentimes harsh words they use to label such people). these are the two opposite poles that i am describing.

so, is it possible to be born on one side, later on figure out that you are supposed to be on the other side and then one very, unassuming day realize that you want to go back to your old side? we could debate on and on but here is my two cents' worth, it is possible to want to switch, in fact you can think about it as often as the thought pops up, but thinking about it, and being able to really do it, those are two very different things.

a lot of people would argue that it is a choice. one you can make whenever you are ready. like a plan that you can stick to. something you can discipline yourself into accepting, living with, growing old with.

i think not. . .

yes, i believe in choices, i believe in controlling your future, altering your outcome. but there are things that even the strongest person will never be able to hold in the palm of his/her hand and manipulate, much more, understand. why you love someone, that's pretty hard to explain, but what's even harder is how to define who you love.

more importantly, who defines it?

happiness is a choice.

will you choose to be normal, or would you choose to stand out? would you opt to live a quiet life, or would you rather have a life that is complicated, a bit loud, at times topsy turvy but always, always filled with excitement? would you want to conform, or would you prefer to defy? will you let society run you, dictate who you are, who you want, who wants you, or would you rather take your life by the horns and run with it?

yeah, happiness is a choice, but it is not a question of who you choose. you cannot choose your side, you are born to it. you are either one thing or the other. of course you are open to confusion, but in the end, you will always be able to recognize which team you truly belong with. where you are most comfortable with, where you can be yourself with.

ultimately, these are your options. would you choose to be happy, live your life as you want it, be who you are supposed to be. or would you rather choose to pretend to be happy, watch while your life passes by, be who others think you should be?

tough, i know, but is anything ever simple?

i wish i could just. . .

stop.

close my eyes and drive
all thoughts of you aside
walk a few thousand miles away,
keep the threatening tears at bay

if only i could just. . .

stop.

pretending that someday
you'd choose to be with me, you'd stay
thinking that i could
include you in my world

if only i knew how to. . .

stop.

myself from falling for you
over and over again,
my soul from crushing
everytime you turn away again

you are my lost cause. . .

if i only had the heart
to finally say. . .

stop.

can i keep you?
have i dazzled you yet?
is it enough, all that i've said?
no? not yet?

catch your fancy,
have i done that already?
i certainly hope so,
no? not yet?

could it be that i have made you
happy, warmed you, enthralled you,
influenced you, made you adore me, caused you to
need me, long for me, miss me?

crept, little by little, into your
heart, made a place for me
inched my way, slowly, silently
nicely, smoothly, removed most of your barriers?

could it be that i am just dreaming
harboring another unlikely thought, just wishfully thinking?
i know i won't be who i hope i can be
never, ever, i won't reach you. . .

all i can do is teach myself
to finally get that,
i have to,
i ought to

to her, she would never get to read this anyway. . .

i may never know
how or why
i fell as hard
as i did for you

if i close my eyes
and block every thought of you
if i keep my mind
from straying towards you
if i wipe your
sweetness from my lips
erase every memory we ever made
remove every trace
of longing, of wanting
the teasing, the haunting
if i fail to remember
the sound of your laughter
then maybe i'll be fine

for a little while
a fraction of a second
i really thought i was alright
i am okay, i have moved
away from you, i really did

but one look
and i am hooked again
one mention of your name
and i am floored again
i smell your hair
and i'm reeling again
i am floating again,
one smile
and i'm certain. . .

you, once more
have me under your spell. . .

oh well, :)

i would love to make you mine. . .

without doubt,
an ounce of fear
no more questions
no confusions,
no more pretention
if anyone asks
i can freely, gladly
say yes, i am hers

i so want to make you mine. . .

amid the pleading
and endless bleeding
the bargaining
my willingness to commit
your inability to admit
that somewhere along
the muddled lines
you have thought of it too
it would have been flattering
although at times it had been maddening

i would have made you mine. . .

if i knew it was what you wanted
if only you could say
i can be all you ever wanted
if only i could give more
if i can be all what you live for

i would have made you mine. . .
if it were that simple
i could have made you mine

and who do you want instead?

whose arms would you
rather enfold you?
whose lips would you rather
trace with your fingertips?
whose scent would you
want to be breathing in
instead of his?

when he runs his hands
through each silken strand
each touch, each sound,
whose smile would you have
traded everything for?
whose name would you
have rather whispered?

are you more guilty
that you are dreaming
of lying with someone else
or is the bigger crime
your inability to admit
that you have indeed fallen

for someone other than
the person who so
lovingly, trustingly
engulfs you in his embrace

when you close your eyes dear,
tell me, who do you picture?

i know it's not me. . .

you did not have to wish,
never had to dream
i was there,
just there. . .

i guess it's not me

i haven't written anything in almost a month. . .
have i lost my "mojo"?
i don't know, maybe a bit?
the drive to create something that might influence, entertain or maybe even touch someone else, did it fade?
or maybe i just ran out of topics, feelings, emotions to scrutinize?
i'll take the latter,that is a bit more acceptable than the first two reasons, i think (hehehe)
it's not that i have become numb in the last few weeks, it's not that i have been drained of every single thought, it's not that i have grown coward, scared of facing some inescapable truths so to speak.
i probably just did not know where to start. . .

i still dont.

that never stopped me before, why would it stop me now?

so where do i begin?

let's start at the end shall we?

yeah, the inevitable end.

in a few weeks i'll say goodbye to a lot of things, people that i have treasured, kept as close to my heart as i possibly can. i'll bid farewell to what had been a huge part of me, my everyday, my routine, my comfort zone.

i am not good at closing doors, i almost always just run away with the door half ajar because i can never get myself to firmly shut it, properly turn away, put an ending to anything i have ever started, i'm scared of not giving myself atleast a small crack where i can still very discreetly crawl into once the reality of leaving slowly creeps in.

i find solace in the thought that should it be too scary for me to walk on and search for a new adventure i could still go back, resume my old life, it always waits for me to continue where i left off. . .

not this time

this time when i leave there would be no turning back

whoever, whatever i'm turning my back on, i know would start turning away from me as well, the minute i bid farewell. no more indecisiveness, i have to be firm, as they would be as cold hearted as i would have to be. whatever i choose to back away from, would very slowly back away from me too. whomever i let slip from my grasp would slowly let go of my hand as well. and as they fade, become a part of my history, i too would very painfully become just another memory. . .

a trinket, like a photograph that captured a tiny bit of moment

one we all can never go back to, but on really, really, cold nights, i hope they could bring me warmth. i hope i have stored enough of you guys that i might never totally forget

i am so scared to not remember. . .