had i known
i won't see you again
i would've held you
a little tighter
i would've tried
to memorize your face
locked into memory
your haunting scent
i would've tried
to drown in your taste
have my fill
so i won't forget

had i known
that tomorrow
when i wake, you
would no longer be there
i wouldn't have slept
i would've sat at your feet
and slowly wept
i would've watched
you as you rested
counted the sighs,
how many smiles
you made as you dreamt

you never said goodbye,
i didn't even have
the chance to ask you why
or maybe how,
you could just walk away
so fast, without a trace
i just felt a sudden chill
as you loosened your embrace

you are gone now,
never to be heard from,
ever again

cat got your tongue?
you have been awfully quiet,
absolutely still
like moving would
rock your all too
perfect world and
blow it into smithereens
if you tilt
a little to the left
you think you'd fall over?
you won't, you know?
just breathe in,
exhale softly
stay composed, calm

heart pounding,
ringing in your ears
did i catch you off guard?
you didn't think
i would say it?
didn't know i could
finally do it?
yeah, me too
i thought i'd just
hold it in, leave
everything untouched
i was ready to just
stay silent, stay hidden

i just said
i adore you,
am slowly falling,
can't keep from reeling
called your bluff
a little too soon
i might add
did i shock you?
that's the plan

now what?
i really don't know
but i'm loving the
confusion in your eyes
you don't know what'll happen next?
me neither. . .
now we're even,
isn't that great?
(hehehehe)

will "we" happen,
or am i again
just wasting precious time?
am i placing my bet
on the wrong thing again,
shall i wager
and ultimately lose again?
i am so tired
of putting everything on the line
for something so fragile,
for someone so indefinite,
are you certain now?
are you even ever sure?

i can rant all i want
i can say i am too used up
i could even tell you
i wanna quit,
i wanna walk away from you,
just cut my loses, and go
i can say all that
but you and i know. . .

i am a gambler,
i am addicted, more
to the risk than to winning
however high the odds
are stacked up against me
i'd bet on you,
i will always do

We were never meant to be lovers,
We just mirrored each others self-destructiveness. . .

when i look at you
i see myself. . .
we share a need
to feed each others greed
i look meek
but we both know
that behind all
the quiet and sometimes
blind acceptance
i am as bad as you are
as cruel, as capable of lies
as self indulgent
i am better at pretense
i am much worse
because i hide behind
a sweet, innocent facade
everyone thinks
that i am much deeper,
i have more to offer
but we both know
inside i'm an empty shell
i can be as unfeeling
as a heart
frozen, buried in ice

i am nothing
not extraordinary,
not charmed
i am cursed,
destined to mimic,
unoriginal, unspecial

i know you see that,
run fast, i'll just break you. . .
and i might even do it intentionally

will you take
a walk with me?
try to see the
view through my
heavy lidded eyes
look at the ocean,
you see vastness,
greatness, strength
i see emptiness,
chaos, uncertainty,
will the tides lift me
or will they crash down
on me, drown me, carry
me into nothingness?
look up, do you see the moon?
you say you admire it
its mystery awes you
i say it saddens me
a solitary figure
amid an endless sky
you envy the moon
i symphatize with her
you held my hand tighter
it's getting darker
it terrifies you
i welcome the shadows
as if they are
my good friends
they allow me to hide
behind their cloak
they embrace me,
keep me safe, tucked
in the hollow of
their bossom, i can rest

take a walk with me
that you may begin
to understand how i think
see what i see,
feel what i feel,
dig deeper,
look closer
it scares me. . .

but i have to know,
if you knew who i am,
all of me,
will you still say you love me?

tangled sheets,
a sea of wrinkled
clothing, discarded
was i in too much hurry?
did i fail to very
slowly savor your
smooth, smooth skin?
i remember how i framed
your lips with my own
carefully, methodically,
enjoying every angle,
every crevice of your
all too sweet mouth
your silken hair
falls on your face
i felt you sigh
it made my knees weak
are you trembling?
it's okay dear,
i've got you
you can let go
i'll catch you
then we'll rise again

we are inexplicably
intertwined, i blend
with you, you move
in the rythym i thought
i'd forgotten
open your eyes, love
you wouldn't want to miss this
ride the waves with me
we'll crash together
in one splendid burst. . .

you are smiling,
did i do that?
your chest heaves
as the amber tip
of the cigarette we lit
flickers, surrounding you
in a glowing halo
you look like an angel
whose wing just got
a little scorched
as she flew too close to sin

you said, let's take it slow
i said, baby, don't go
i caught your arm
held it against me
i don't wanna let go of your warmth
you struggled to pull
away from me
and walked very slowly
as if waiting for me
to stop you from fleeing
to clearly call out
your name, form the words
in my mouth, they are trembling
with tears left unshed
i wanna run to you
talk some sense into you
debate with you
haggle if i must
plead my case
please just stay
i don't want you to walk away

but you don't hear me
do you?
you can't see me
and my heart rupturing
i am bleeding
but i still smile
i have to smile
so it will be easier
for you to get on
with the path you have chosen
one that no longer includes me

we have been through this
over and over
we break and mend each
others mangled pieces
but not this time

this time it's goodbye right?
this time it's for good,
whatever the hell that means
it's over. . .
and all i can do
is very quietly shatter