. . . you're a hard habit to break. . .


an action or pattern of behavior that is repeated so often that it becomes typical of somebody, although he or she may be unaware of it, addiction, fixation, routine, dependence, i looked up the word "habit" and these are what i came accross with.

it is synonymous with addiction. a strong craving, for something or someone. you cannot think, eat, sleep, move without a dose of what currently enslaves you. you are weak without it, incomplete. you have to get a taste, a feel, a whiff, it makes you strong. . . but really, it doesn't. when you are wanting something this much, too much, that you are willing to do anything, defy anything or anyone, for a tiny bite, a sliver, doesn't that sound dangerous? they say that, the thing about addiction is, it never ends well. because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high, stops feeling good, and starts to hurt. . . what then?

fixation, an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone, a more common term? obsession. . . kinda like addiction, you have no control over it . it rules your head, your heart and whatever else you allow it to overpower. it's an ailment. a sick need. is it curable? i don't really know. . .

a routine. a way of living. something you do without thinking. you might not even be aware you are doing it. it has become so ingrained in you that you mistake it for something essential. if you don't get a glimpse of it or if you failed to do that certain step, you feel that something is lacking. like a limb is missing, or your head, or something integral. you don't think you can function well. it is a myth. routines are boring, break it. change is refreshing, embrace it. . .

dependence. . . like you would crumble if you lose it. something or someone you rely on. i knew a girl once, she never allowed herself to depend on anyone, i kinda admire that, to be self reliant, to be an entity so strong that there is no need for someone else. but at the same time i pity her, if she breaks, what then? who would help hold her up?

do i want to be a habit?

an addiction slash fixation slash routine slash source of dependence?

a craving, someone that gives someone else a high she thinks she can almost fly?
an obsession, an object for someone to almost praise and adore?
be second nature to someone that it would impale them if one day i don't show up?
have someone rely on me too much that the thought of losing me would make them tremble in fear?

nah. . . .

that was never my intention.

being wanted is fine, but i'd rather be needed. i never liked being treated as an object of obsession, i'd rather be a cure than a madness. i don't wanna be a routine, i wanna be something that happens once in a lifetime. like a comet you have waited all your life for. not common at all. i want you to be aware that i am there, i want you to know, not think, that i am essential. and if you lose me i want your world to not just crumble but explode, to not just be in the brink of tipping but to be blasted out of its orbit, if atleast for a few precious seconds. i don't want you to just not function well in my absence but i want you to not function at all, atleast for a meager period. and as the famous line goes, i do not wanna be adored, i'd rather be loved

i do not want to be a habit
i need to be more than just that. . .

i wish i were more than just that. . .

shall we have another go at it? another round, another attempt, maybe find a different result? will it be less bloody?less disappointing? the ride a bit smoother? we know the flaws in our ways maybe this time we'll have success in avoiding them? the swift turns, the treacherous highs each traitorous curve we have mapped them laid out a plan, we know what to wait for and in some way we have learned what not to expect from you or me, and everyone else in this crazy little saga.

will it really be better?

have we really learned anything except for the fact that you and
i might not really be good together? i am too emotional, you are too detached, i look strong but i bruise easily, you look so fragile but i have yet to know what affects you, what moves you, what causes you to crumble, i might never know. i react too quickly, it's very rare that you react at all, i mean what i say, i'm not very sure if you say what you mean, it seems like we are always talking in riddles, i have to decipher every line, every word, it was fun, for a while, until somewhere along the way, i too got lost in translation. opposites attract right? but what if it's too different? when two people are worlds apart what then?

they say, insanity means doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. . . if i choose to try again does that make me insane?

i have no idea. . . maybe i should,

but then again maybe i shouldn't

i was watching a film the other night, boy meets girl, boy falls in love, girl hesitates, girl makes up her mind, boy has second thoughts, ending? they parted ways, sad, sad affair. what made me think though was what the guy said, "sometimes, the beauty is in the attempt" , whether you failed or succeeded it does not really matter, what is important is that you tried. i understand fear, i know how it feels to be scared of the unknown, but nothing is certain, you just have to put yourself out there and hope against hope that you get picked, that everything goes well.

and if it doesn't? i am admittedly hard headed, stubborn as hell, you tell me it can't happen and i'll do my damnest to prove you wrong. i hold on far longer than i should, but when i decide to let go. . . i never look back. what is done is done, that's why i never surrender, until you give up on me that is.

so what now?

i still don't know. maybe i should just be contented in the glorious attempt. it failed, miserably, but i gave it my all, that's all anyone can ask for. . .

too bad it was not enough then. funny, what makes me think it is going to be enough now?

shall i treat you
like an old friend,
whom i have lain in
constant wait for?
one whom i have wished
to come my way once more
one who kept my eyes
firmly glued to the door?

hoping it will open
one of these very
unassuming days
it will slowly, timidly
give me a tiny crack
and let you in

a familiar face,
one that i will
instantly recognize
for a bit there i thought
i'd forgotten what you
look like, feel like
please remind me again
of the warmth i had
gotten accustomed to before,
what i felt i lost
in the shuffle

in the mundane
and commonplace,
will you please let me
feel extraordinary again
wrap me up
in your mystery
and take me to the heights
my soul seem to fall short on
let me soar,
and if in some way
i have forgotten how to float
remind me again how
it feels to be weightless
worryless,

oh love,
i have indeed missed you
take my breath away again
allow me to not think again
let me hear you whisper
my name again
a haunting sound
escaping your exquisite lips
let me hold you in my arms again

and if by some luck
i hear you faintly knock
it won't be in vain dear,
i won't succumb to my fear,
i won't fail to hear

are you confused?
which way to go,
what you should do?
torn apart?
i'm pulling you this way
while they are desperately
trying to make you stay
am i messing with your mind again?
making you want
forcing you to need
am i enjoying
the uncertainty in your eyes?
when you squirm
do i laugh?
am i mocking you
while you struggle?

i do not

like i said
i am not your complication
you are mine
my aim is not
to unsettle you,
not to unnerve you,
not to go back,
move forward perhaps. . .

but i could tell . . .
the unknown scares you
losing control makes you
run as far as your
feet could carry you,
you'd rather lay there
where you can predict
when everything ends,
no quick movements
no surprises
everything is staged,

yeah dear,
i have the nerve
to call you a coward,

your move?

i watch you ride
the soft breeze,
allowing it to let you
float away in momentary
oblivion, in fleeting bliss
a slight smile on your lips
gloriously reveling
in the freedom the wind
brings as it takes you
up, then down again
below, then lets you rise again

as if in trance
i look on as you dance
uninhibited, not a care
you are enjoying the attention,
i could almost swear
go on, frolic
in the warm glow
let the gale carry you
just let it all flow. . .

pretty little butterfly,
with your delicate wing
i see you flutter
from flower to flower
choosing the finest, the sweetest
then you take your pick
and settle on the soft petals
seemingly contented. . .

how long will you stay
perched this time?

and, as if, you heard me
all of a sudden you stop
resting on that lovely branch
you prepare to take flight,
in one fluid motion
you are afloat again,
one with the breeze again,
will you ever come my way once more?

you might. . .
but then again, you just might not

so i'll just watch you
soar and fall with
the wind on your back
and when you are too far away
for me to catch a glimpse
i'll slowly walk the other way
i'll bid farewell. . .

i never knew solitude
could taste so sweet
that being only
with myself and no one else
could be as fulfilling
and being alone does
not automatically equate
to being terribly lonely

i've just done battle
with enormous demons
been taunted, haunted
baited, prodded,
fought with everything i had,
everything i knew,
bled till i could bleed no more,
argued till i was hoarse,
stood my ground while
beeing pushed, shoved aside

now i just feel too spent

and so i rest my head
in a while my heart would follow
its beating would eventually slow
until it is almost inaudible. . .

i probably won't stay here forever
i could never sit still for very long
but for now the quiet soothes me,
i'll just let her drown me in her comforting song

my tears have dried out

the path they have flowed

very gently on is no

longer noticeable

not a trace of the bitter

drops that have been

my constant companion,

i have bid farewell

to the dull ache

that had always been

present when my mind

strays to you

the need that i had

to be always with you,

the wanting, the longing,

the craving, the mind numbing

urge to be as close

to you, as one with you

i seem to have lost

i would like to think

that i am cured of you,

that i have had

my fill of you,

that i am done

struggling to get to you

and i have finally given up

on the thought that someday. . .

i may have,

gone full circle,

i might be,

stronger than i was before,

i'm sure that i could

now look you in the eye

and say it's over,

that i'm over

the heartbreak, the disappointment,

the anger, the confusion

i could. . .

i should. . .

maybe one of these days i would. . .