"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies."

settle; to render quiet; to still; to calm;

i have always hated that word, settle. add down to it and we'll be at war. it's not that i am afraid to commit, not that i can't be loyal to one person alone, and neither is it any fear of becoming stale. nope, it's not those, it's just that something about that word infuriates me, kinda strangles me till i'm at a loss for air. why the strong reaction? i'll tell you in a bit. . .

to render quiet. now, quiet is nice right? no disturbances, no noise, one says go, you go, one says stay you stay, sit, roll over, play dead? hahahaha, kinda like a trained pet? yeah, my point exactly. in a lot of ways, quiet is good, in fact we all seek quiet sometimes, but quiet allthroughout? nah, just not my thing.

to still. ever seen a spinning top suddenly put to a stop? it careens, it does not automatically halt, if it is stopped abruptly it spins out of control. very similar to someone so used to being carefree, speaking her mind, not leashed, untamed, suddenly you put a rein on her and what do you think would happen? yeah she'll struggle, she'll try to break free, pull away, fight until she is so tired, and then she settles.

to calm. like a raging storm. it's meant to be watched, in awe. how a tempest could flatten even the most sturdy tree is a mystery to me, it was meant to stay a mystery. to attempt to calm it is madness.

my point?

to me settling implies giving in. it connotes raising your hand in surrender, it signifies defeat, i can't do anything about it anymore and so i settled. like i had no other choice. most times settling also indicates that there should have been something better but you were not able to reach it and so you just accepted what it was that you can. ever heard the question, why settle for less if you can have more? do i need to even elaborate?

maybe some people embrace settling, it is safe, steady, predictable. if you can tell what will happen, if you know what to expect, then it's less disappointments, less heartbreaks. i understand the need to protect one's self, i did that a few times. the desire to veer away from the chaos, the mess, to be the one in total control is indeed very tempting. you have to realize though, that life is never neat, orderly, cut and dried. it is never black and white, it's gray most of the time. to be disillusioned that you can arrange it in a way that suits you by settling is a huge mistake.

there are those who look at settling as accepting their fate. it's what life threw at them and so they have to agree that it's what they deserved. no attempt to fight, or even argue, struggle a bit, no, they are convinced that there is no alternative. that's crap. you always have a choice. the easy way or the hard way, the tried and tested, or the adventurous path, to stop at a barricade or to go around it, find another way.

but the ones that i pity the most are those who were wild and unrestrained for the first quarter of their lives who suddenly lost their drive. got bitten, was hurt at one point, or just lost any hope of finding someone else to run wild with them and so they ended up relinquishing their might and yeah, settling.

a wise man once told me that there are too many mediocre things in life and that love should not be one of them. i don't think there are any truer words.

some people believe that we reincarnate, that we are supposed to live multiple lifetimes. until someone can prove to me that we indeed do, i would approach mine as though i only have this one to live. and i, most certainly, won't spend it settling.

"i'm thinking of going back to being straight. . ."

i was talking to a friend of mine the other day and this was her opening statement. i sat there, right in front of her dumbfounded. she had to almost shake me so i would speak again. when i finally did, there were only five words i could utter, "will that make you happier?" it was her turn to shut up for a few minutes. afterward, she only smiled, a small smile, as if in deep thought.

really now, will switching sides make your life better?

will attempting to become "normal" make you any happier?

is it even possible to "switch sides", change preferences, be "straight" when you know you really are not?

which two sides am i talking about? not the right or the wrong side, although, more often than not people tag it as that. neither are they the dark or the light side, although, again, most people equate them with that. it's not the good and the bad side, i have heard them labeled as such but i refuse to believe in that.

so which sides am i talking about?

the straight (and narrow, hehehe) and the homosexual (lesbian, gay, faggot, butch, dyke and whatever slanderous and oftentimes harsh words they use to label such people). these are the two opposite poles that i am describing.

so, is it possible to be born on one side, later on figure out that you are supposed to be on the other side and then one very, unassuming day realize that you want to go back to your old side? we could debate on and on but here is my two cents' worth, it is possible to want to switch, in fact you can think about it as often as the thought pops up, but thinking about it, and being able to really do it, those are two very different things.

a lot of people would argue that it is a choice. one you can make whenever you are ready. like a plan that you can stick to. something you can discipline yourself into accepting, living with, growing old with.

i think not. . .

yes, i believe in choices, i believe in controlling your future, altering your outcome. but there are things that even the strongest person will never be able to hold in the palm of his/her hand and manipulate, much more, understand. why you love someone, that's pretty hard to explain, but what's even harder is how to define who you love.

more importantly, who defines it?

happiness is a choice.

will you choose to be normal, or would you choose to stand out? would you opt to live a quiet life, or would you rather have a life that is complicated, a bit loud, at times topsy turvy but always, always filled with excitement? would you want to conform, or would you prefer to defy? will you let society run you, dictate who you are, who you want, who wants you, or would you rather take your life by the horns and run with it?

yeah, happiness is a choice, but it is not a question of who you choose. you cannot choose your side, you are born to it. you are either one thing or the other. of course you are open to confusion, but in the end, you will always be able to recognize which team you truly belong with. where you are most comfortable with, where you can be yourself with.

ultimately, these are your options. would you choose to be happy, live your life as you want it, be who you are supposed to be. or would you rather choose to pretend to be happy, watch while your life passes by, be who others think you should be?

tough, i know, but is anything ever simple?

i wish i could just. . .

stop.

close my eyes and drive
all thoughts of you aside
walk a few thousand miles away,
keep the threatening tears at bay

if only i could just. . .

stop.

pretending that someday
you'd choose to be with me, you'd stay
thinking that i could
include you in my world

if only i knew how to. . .

stop.

myself from falling for you
over and over again,
my soul from crushing
everytime you turn away again

you are my lost cause. . .

if i only had the heart
to finally say. . .

stop.

can i keep you?
have i dazzled you yet?
is it enough, all that i've said?
no? not yet?

catch your fancy,
have i done that already?
i certainly hope so,
no? not yet?

could it be that i have made you
happy, warmed you, enthralled you,
influenced you, made you adore me, caused you to
need me, long for me, miss me?

crept, little by little, into your
heart, made a place for me
inched my way, slowly, silently
nicely, smoothly, removed most of your barriers?

could it be that i am just dreaming
harboring another unlikely thought, just wishfully thinking?
i know i won't be who i hope i can be
never, ever, i won't reach you. . .

all i can do is teach myself
to finally get that,
i have to,
i ought to

to her, she would never get to read this anyway. . .

i may never know
how or why
i fell as hard
as i did for you

if i close my eyes
and block every thought of you
if i keep my mind
from straying towards you
if i wipe your
sweetness from my lips
erase every memory we ever made
remove every trace
of longing, of wanting
the teasing, the haunting
if i fail to remember
the sound of your laughter
then maybe i'll be fine

for a little while
a fraction of a second
i really thought i was alright
i am okay, i have moved
away from you, i really did

but one look
and i am hooked again
one mention of your name
and i am floored again
i smell your hair
and i'm reeling again
i am floating again,
one smile
and i'm certain. . .

you, once more
have me under your spell. . .

oh well, :)

i would love to make you mine. . .

without doubt,
an ounce of fear
no more questions
no confusions,
no more pretention
if anyone asks
i can freely, gladly
say yes, i am hers

i so want to make you mine. . .

amid the pleading
and endless bleeding
the bargaining
my willingness to commit
your inability to admit
that somewhere along
the muddled lines
you have thought of it too
it would have been flattering
although at times it had been maddening

i would have made you mine. . .

if i knew it was what you wanted
if only you could say
i can be all you ever wanted
if only i could give more
if i can be all what you live for

i would have made you mine. . .
if it were that simple
i could have made you mine

and who do you want instead?

whose arms would you
rather enfold you?
whose lips would you rather
trace with your fingertips?
whose scent would you
want to be breathing in
instead of his?

when he runs his hands
through each silken strand
each touch, each sound,
whose smile would you have
traded everything for?
whose name would you
have rather whispered?

are you more guilty
that you are dreaming
of lying with someone else
or is the bigger crime
your inability to admit
that you have indeed fallen

for someone other than
the person who so
lovingly, trustingly
engulfs you in his embrace

when you close your eyes dear,
tell me, who do you picture?

i know it's not me. . .

you did not have to wish,
never had to dream
i was there,
just there. . .

i guess it's not me