you are
my refuge
against the
scorching heat
my once humid,
arid, barren existence
now springs
with life,
the grays, the blacks
are filled
with greens,
blues, and all the hues
that represent
new beginnings

little by little
you have washed
away the pain
of memories
i would rather
keep hidden,
tucked neatly
in a vault
that i sometimes
open, to remind
me of the heartaches,
each instance
i got hurt
not to savor
but to act
as a firm warning,
misplaced trust
has always been an issue
the scars are
starting to form
can i call
myself healed?

your tiny droplets
push their way,
to the very
core of me
persistent, unfazed
forcing themselves
inside, steadily
plucking away
the barricades that
have stood ground
i placed them
there to guard
against any invasion
that might urge
my heart to beat again,
they are failing. . .

rain, rain
don't go away
i don't wanna wait
for you to come
another day

i have you here with me now. . .

i am not letting go of you now. . .

to she, long overdue, i know

so sorry

the clink
of frosted glasses
bodies swaying
in tune with
the upbeat
music playing
i inhale the
slow burning
smoke from my cigarette
i offer you one
you just sat there
watching
smiling at everyone

funny what
bonds we forge
just by staring

you laugh
as if on cue
but i see what
is hidden behind
those seemingly
perfect lashes

as if i am
looking at myself
infront of a mirror
my sad eyes is
reflected in yours
but only for a minute

and then you
go back to
your pretense
well rehearsed
no one will suspect

but for that brief moment
i knew. . .

i'll be your ally. . .

your secret is safe with me
it's ok, go breathe easy

you: i'm a music lover, i sing okay and in tune and i really dig lyrics, it's really important to me that we match that. i love photography and nature. i love dogs, i just learned that recently.

me: i love music. give me any situation and i will be able to come up with a song that would suit you, that you can relate to. i'm good with lyrics, i have them memorized in no time but i cannot carry a tune even if my life depended on it (hahahaha). i know which end to point with when using a camera but i do not have the eye for perfect angles and lighting. i am a whiz at posing though, does that count? i love dogs, i've known that all my life.

you: i like people who don't follow the norms, who can live on their own, who will stand up for what they believe in. i admire people who are independent, who can go anywhere they want to go. i like people who do not suck you in their lives. i hate emotional vampires, people who mess things up just to get noticed or for the fun of it.

me: it's good to stand out, to not be common, different. but i also know that sometimes you have to learn how to blend in. i hate confrontations and so i sometimes just let it go. you have to pick your battles, it would be too tiring to try and defy everything. yeah, i also hate people who make scenes just to get noticed. those who drag other people down so they can pull themselves up.

you: i like complimenting people and receiving them so i try as much as i can to deserve them. i love reading and crave for people i can share my reviews with. i like movies but i am not a fan of catching the first wave, i wait for the reviews first before i waste time and money. i am all for stability and proving my independence to my family, i want them to look up to me and the effort i made to reach it. unfortunately, my family is bad news, let's not go there.

me: remember the lesson i learned from you the first time we ever went out? i teased you the whole time. in my defense, it's what we (butches or guys) do when we like someone, we tease. i know it was juvenile, i do apologize. so i had the 411 on what girls like. i have learned from that mistake. i did improve right? i read a lot. we mostly have read the same books, we'll talk about them soon okay? i love watching movies too, i read the reviews because i wanna find out if the ending was happy. i almost never watch a film that does not end well. real life is hard enough, i want to watch movies that would force me to hope. hahahaha, sorry, sentimental fool, i know. ok we won't talk about your family. my mom loves you though. but you already know that right?

you: i like people who can and will take care of me. in the event that they have to leave me, i need them to apologize because i have feelings too, even if i act stoic. this is the tricky part because i can't reverse this. i almost always have a hard time opening up, apologizing and accepting defeat.

me: i like it when i'm needed. i like it when you let me take care of you. you sometimes hold on to your independence too much, when you do get tired, i'm just right here, alright? i hate saying goodbye. i almost never say it. i'll let you leave first. sweet katniss, i know you mask your fragility behind a cool demeanor, but this is me. you know you can trust me.

you: i'm a leo born in the year of the monkey, i am the center of attention, i don't love it but i feel it when i'm not. i have difficulty spilling out my sentiments without my traitor tears, even when i'm happy, it's ridiculous. everything i am, you'll learn to love and hate.

me: we were born the same year, monkeys rule!!!! hahahaha. i veer away from the limelight, i won't fight you for it so i guess that is fine. you will never be short on attention, i usually give out lots, you might even force me to stop or else you'll drown (know what i mean? hahahaha). i've had my share of those tears, i've wiped some of them dry, i have invested in tissues so don't worry, we'll never run out of them. i already love all of you, i have tried my hand at hating even a tiny part of you but i can't. sorry dear, you can try and teach me all you want but that is the one thing i won't sign up for.

you: there are things that you don't and might not have or never turn into, given time and space. only the years will dictate our next move, whether we stop here or carry on. whether you accept this or reject that. you will get into my nerves and i will definitely hurt you, although never would it be intentional. i will strive to make you see me as i am and then tell me if you feel the same way, or atleast still have that inclination to get us back up the surface. this is new to me too. don't tell me you know what you're doing 'cause we are both groping in the dark. just hold my hand and never let go. what do you say?

me: i never learned how to dance. i can't paint. i can't sketch (not my name, not yours seperately or together). i do not play any instrument. as much as i am a lot of things, there are more that i am not. i frustrate you. i irritate you sometimes. i know i'm not easy to deal with. i push you too hard. i make mistakes. you do not come with an instruction manual and so expect me to fumble a couple of hundred times. thank you for being patient with me. i may get hurt, but i might inflict you pain. yet you are willing to take a huge risk with me. i never claimed to know all the answers, i don't. this territory is as unfamiliar to me as it is to you. i do hope we see the light soon enough. i said i won't let us get swallowed by the waves, i will stand by that.

i will hold your hand. . . but please do not let go of mine.

love, love sara bareilles

"One Sweet Love"

Just about the time the shadows call

I undress my mind and dare you to follow

Paint a portrait of my mystery

Only close my eyes and you are here with me

A nameless face to think I see

To sit and watch the waves with me till they're gone

A heart I'd swear I'd recognize is made out of

My own devices....

Could I be wrong?

The time that I've taken

I pray is not wasted

Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Sleepless nights you creep inside of me

Paint your shadows on the breath that we share

You take more than just my sanity

You take my reason not to care.

No ordinary wings I'll need

The sky itself will carry me back to you

The things I dream that I can do I'll open up

The moon for you

Just come down soon

The time that I've taken

I pray is not wasted

Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking

But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of

One sweet love.

Savor the sorrow to soften the pain sip on

The southern rain

As I do, I don't look don't touch don't do anything

But hope that there is a you.

The earth that is the space between,

I'd banish it from under me...to get to you.

Your unexpected love provides my solitary's

Suicide...oh I wish I knew

The time that I've taken

I pray is not wasted

Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking

But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of

One sweet love.

be still. . .

even as you feel
the waves coming towards you,
even as the water
reaches your chin
and you feel the pull
of the ocean beneath you

hold still. . .

don't thrash around
your sudden movements
would only draw you deeper
you would only feel more trapped

do not resist. . .

you are fighting
a losing battle
against the current
threatening to carry you
far away from
your comfort zone
your safe haven

i'm not gonna let you drown. . .

i'll pull you up
each and every time
i won't let you sink
if i do, i'll plummet with you
i'm not gonna let you go. . .

just promise you'll hold on to me. . .

i'm not gonna let you go

you're probably sleeping now. . .
i wonder how it feels
to lie next to you
feel your warmth
watch your chest
rise and fall in a rhythm
that would probably
soothe me, calm me
look with envy
as the moonbeams touch
your face, as if highlighting it,
chasing the worries,
giving way to the innocence
reflected in your slumber

i wish i could
wrap my arms around
your fragile shoulders
hold you close
whisper softly, the nightmares
won't come tonight dear
i'll keep you steady

i don't think i could
join you as you rest
i would be too busy
listening to your heartbeat
is it as fast as mine?
no i won't even blink
i'll just wait for
morning to come

you love mornings.

as much as i would have
loved sleeping next to you
waking up beside you
would feel so much better

i hope your perfect sunrise includes me. . .

infant,

it's 3:30 am

i should be sleeping

i have read, re-read, and yeah gone over all the lines i wrote.
it still did not sound right.
not that i did not know what to say.
i knew all along.
i just did not know how to say them.
without sounding condescending, or patronizing.
without making you ill with cheesyness and all that crap.

you are the one i always wanted.
the one i wished for.
who i bothered whoever it is up there just to ask him to give you to me.
the one i lost.
who found me again.
who i do not know what i would do should i lose again.

i know i am not perfect
not even in the same zip code, or country, or whatever.
but i foolishly wish i were
maybe if i am you would just stay there.

you are not different.
being different means you can be compared to someone or something else.
you can't be.
you are the only one of your kind.

i'm sorry.
i am supposed to be good at this
but i just turned real bad.
i am wide awake at almost 4 am thinking of ways
to get you to see that you are unlike anyone else i have come across with.

maybe i should stop.
i love you.
and i will love you, the best way i know how.
do not ask me why, do not ask me how long.

i just do.
deal with it.