you used to

remind me to

never hold your

hand in public,

never kiss, hug,

stand too close

i couldn't help

but wonder if

you just didn't

want to be seen

next to me,

you were always

ever so cautious. . .

i forget from

time to time,

i grab your arm

let my hand slide down

till i am grasping yours

hoping you would not

notice anymore,

i steal kisses, in

dark corridors,

i hold on to you

a tiny bit longer

than i should

i tuck your hair,

touch your face

as often as i could

i figured you'd

get used to it

pretty soon (another tactic eh? hehehe)

sometimes you fail

to notice

that i'm doing

what you specifically told

me not to

but most of the

time you still

manage to remember

i just grow

quiet when you do that. . .

i never saw you

smile wider than

you did tonight

you ran, no, flew

in to my arms

and held me tightly,

in front of everyone else

please never tire

of loving me back,

i'm worth it,

you'll see

=)

like i said before, i envy her.
i will always do.
all that i missed, all i'm still missing.
she will always be there, i know that for a fact.
i have prepared for that, i have conditioned myself
for the fight that was ahead, i just hoped it would not be a never ending one.

well it just might be. . .

i hate battles.
strong as i may seem, inside i'm really weak.
i cringe at the drop of a hat.
you even likened me to a baby,
all soft and sensitive, maybe i am.

i can't compete with a memory.
i have been trying for the past 4 months,
sadly, it had been futile
i pick myself up, breathe deeply, suck it in
as hard as it may be, losing you is not an option.
i soldier on.
i look at you and nothing else matters. . .

you try all you can too
i see how much effort you put into it
you hold it all in
and try not to let me know
how she still haunts you
but i can tell
the slightest movement, the deep sighs,
the far away looks
the shift in moods. . .

you say she's everywhere.
well if she is, then where am i?
she was your everything,
i only want to be a little piece of you
a tiny bit, is it too much to ask?

i am not belittling all you've done,
i am belittling what i have
after all's said and done
i'm still here
waiting in the wings
wondering when my time will finally be up

she ends where i start,
she hasn't ended, how will i start?
when can i start?

like you, i am hoping it will be soon too.
soon.

it's all too new

for you and for me

i know i would

sometimes fumble

my mistakes would

hurt you, unintentionally, of course

and sometimes normal

words might turn harsh

i'll try and shrug

them all off

as long as i can

as long as i need to

in a perfect world

a kiss, a hug

a tiny act of

kindness, disregarded pride,

the proverbial

looking the other way,

would magically wash

away all the pain

melt all of the sadness

cure every ache. . .

but i am flawed,

you are not a saint

we are but two

broken individuals

grasping at each other

to complete our missing parts,

i was always certain

that i hold what

you always sought

i still might,

but then again

i might not. . .

and you would've just

squandered both time

and energy holding on to me. . .

i sincerely hope

that it won't be the case

when i lay in silence

i wish as hard

as i possibly can

that i could, in

some way be all

that you truly need

i am an expert

at falling short,

for once i would

like to think i

can be enough

maybe this time i would. . .

love,

told you birthdays are the loneliest times of the year. . .

and i knew you tried
to be happy,
to have fun,
to forget what it is
that makes you bleed,
keeps you up at night sometimes,
for a few hours you made a huge effort
to conceal that it was killing you too. . .

i felt the tears,
even before i saw them
running down your soft cheeks,
i heard them coming,
the crack in your voice, the stilted breathing,
the heavy sighs. . .

it's your first. . .

for five straight years all holidays were spent with her,
and i know that at the back of your mind
you would always wish she were here too,
she was your life, your best friend, your partner in crime
i would never replace her
i have said so countless of times
she would always stay hidden
tucked away in a very special place,
it's okay, i understand

i just wish
that you never hope
she were here instead of me. . .

it's alright love,
we'll make new memories
no worries
i love you to pieces. . .

happy birthday.

Its joy, its ecstasy, its truth its destiny
And even love is not enough
To tell you how you make me feel
Theres only one word for this, it's. . .


bliss. . .

and i was
so sure i
would never
find it again

was always
certain i would
forever have
it dangled in front
of me like
a bait, a lure
of some sort
one that when
i bravely sink
my teeth into
either disappears
or worse,
takes me for a ride
and then
drops me, all
bloodied, gasping
for air,

tricked again
into believing
that it's
the real thing
i crave it too
much that a tiny
glimpse, a promise
however fleeting
makes me jump
in, head first

i almost drowned the last time. . .

you are my
unexpected ray
of sunshine
(believe me, you are)
i could run
again, free
freefall because
i know you'd
catch me,
hold me in
your arms as
tightly as you can,
let no one
harm me

you make me
happy
sorry if i
sometimes fail
to tell you
that you do

please swear
you won't stop, love
come fly away with me. . .

All you want
Is right here in this room
All you want
And all you need
Is sitting here with you. . .


sometimes life,
and all its
craziness overwhelms you,
it swallows you,
pulls you down
till all you
see is oblivion
free falling
into a box
with no windows,
no way out. . .

your heart pounds
you start to
panic, the worries
are not just
creeping now,
they're running
after you, way
faster than you
steady, steady
don't fall down
they will bury you
once they catch up. . .

fear is threatening
to overpower you
yet again,
you're losing your
grip, it used to
be so firm,
you're slipping,
drowning. . .

breathe. . .

when everything
is moving
all too fast
and all you
can think of
is bolting,
or staying in
place, dwelling,
i keep asking
you to just
breathe. . .

and think of me

i hope i will make
you as strong as
you are making me,
everytime i see you
there's no more room
for doubts, or fears,
the worries fall away
i am invincible. . .

do my trick, just think of me
and remember that i am
always, always on your side

i miss you

so damned much

it's almost

painful, even

to breathe

you are somewhat

my air now

i take you in

and try as

hard as i

can to not

let you out

i reach out

to you

even in my

dreams

i long to

hold you

taste your skin

smell your

now familiar

scent that

penetrates me

and stays

with me,

accompanies me

until i can

touch you again

no you are

not a routine

my being with

you would

never be

just a habit

everytime i'm

close to you

it is a new

experience

i'll never grow

tired of

please hurry home

my lips beg

for yours

my arms are

empty without

you here

love, hurry home