wouldn't it be nice
if just this once
i won't be the
one to break down?
that the tears
that would be falling
aren't mine this time?
that my absence
ruined your perfect world
you are the one
trying to find me,
wanting to get me back
because you are
lost without me
i made such an impact
that just the thought
of never seeing me again
makes you tremble
in fear
is it possible
that for once
you're the one
holding on to me
you're the one
barring me from walking away
the one trying
desperately to make me stay
'cause life without me
will be too much to bear

now who am i kidding?

you would never
do any of that
you won't shatter
your eyes will
remain dry
you won't look for me
might not even notice
that i'm gone
your world
will not miss a beat
you would never hold
on to me
if i slip away
you won't even know
not because
you're too cold,
uncaring, no
it's 'cause i'm just
not that important yet
i'm expendable,
totally replaceable

that's why i'm the one
doing my damnest
to hold on to you
keep you from slipping
right through my fingers
doing everything
to try and make you stay
even when i'm
too weary,
even when it hurts
too much to even breathe
'cause i can't
lose you yet
no i won't
lose you yet

i wish i were
someone else
someone who knows
when to call it quits
someone who can stop
and never look back
somebody so tough
that being alone
is just a walk in the park
unafraid
unruffled
someone who can
leave anytime she wants to
walk away from everything
without a second thought
someone who'll never
be swayed
by tears, pleas,
unspoken promises
who can say no
so easily, without hesitation
someone not scared
to feel hurt
or inflict pain

i keep saying
i'm not built this way
but there are days
when i think it would be safer
if i were

i am not
going to let you go
you can stop
think for some time
consider your options
mull over every
pro or con
rest your weary mind
move away for a while
i'll give you
your space
if that's what you need
but i won't
ever let you
walk away from me
not today
not ever
not in this lifetime

i am holding
on to you
with both hands
i am never,
do you hear me?
never
giving up on you

it's some sort
of a strange miracle
that i'm still breathing now
my heart is still
beating albeit so slowly
almost inaudible
it's still pumping blood
i know, 'cause mine's
trickling
little by little
draining my body
in a little while
i'll be numb again
and i like it that way
no pain, no heartache
just silent tears
forming, but i can't
let them drop
no i won't let them fall

i wish
i could wake up now
i could make it all
go away
i wish my world
can right itself again
but i can't
this is not a nightmare
this is my reality
i wish i could make it
just stop, please stop

i am too needy
too emotional
i react too quickly
sometimes without thought
i can be too harsh
with words that
could cut through
even hearts made of stone
i can make you bleed
without meaning to
i can offer my hand
then take it back
without warning
i can hold you
dearly, intimately
then drop you
so suddenly
i could lift you up
or pull you down
i could be
the sweetest little thing
and in the next breath
i could turn
into a vile minx
i could build you up
or i could ruin you
i could make you laugh
but then again
i could also
bring you to tears
i could make you
feel oh so glad
you found me
and in the next turn
make you
wish you never met me
i could be the one
but i could also
turn out to be
just one of many

i am not nice
although i seem to be
i am as bad, as manipulative
as bitter, as hateful
as anyone else

i am no angel
just the opposite, maybe

someone asked me
a few minutes ago
if i could name
my happy place
i stopped to think
nothing pops to mind
am i that lonely?
that damaged,
that broken?
that i can't
for the life of me
remember where i am happiest?
was it that too long ago
that i forgot
what it felt like?
too few and far between
that every trace
have been removed
from my memory?
or is it because
i'm too afraid
that if i say it
out loud
it would be snatched
away from me
my comfort zone
the place i run to
when everything
becomes too much to bear
the one place
i go back to
when life and
it's many cruelties
catch up with me

where is it?

it was supposed
to be with you
now i don't really know anymore. . .

the insecure
part of me
is beginning to ask
will she ever love me
as much as she loves him?
will i be able
to make her smile
as much as he has?
touch her soul
fill her mind
with thoughts
of me, rather than of him
will she ever
speak of me
as sweetly as
she utters his name?
will she want me
can she need me
the way she does him?
is there a chance
she'll miss me
as much?
cry herself to sleep
at the thought
of losing me?
can i eventually
be her sun,
her wonderwall
her source of
unending strength?

i don't know. . .
i could only hope
someday, i might

in the meantime
i'll do whatever i can
so that one day
there'll be no more him,
or them
just you. . .
with me

maybe it's
the way you
make my heart
race as if
any time now
it's gonna careen
out of my chest
or probably
it's 'cause
when i talk to you
i often find myself
at a loss for words
the one thing
i am good at
stringing sentences
or maybe because
i sometimes
forget to even breathe
when someone mentions you
it might also be
because amid
the clutter
and chaos that is my life
you still manage
to make sense
or because after
a very long
and tiring day
just the thought
of you eases
whatever bothers me
the impatient kid
has learned the art
of waiting
you taught me that

my list would
probably be endless
so i'd stop at this
i love you
without knowing how
or when
or for however long
but i'll make it so
you never ever doubt
that i do

like fluttering wings
of a million tiny
butterflies
like the galloping
of a hundred wild
mustangs
like the ripples
of a thousand
pebbles thrown into
a once quiet brook
you unsettle me

in my most
quiet moments
you never fail
to cross my mind
in between every
crevice, you fill me
you are in me
with me
all over me

my arms
reach out for you
without any thought
i listen to
every sound, straining
that i might
hear your voice
hear you speak

i wish
i could catch
even a strand
of hair
breathe in
your elusive scent
a tiny taste
a little nip
what i'd give
if i could

soon. . .
i will be with you soon

it's a little scary
a bit disarming
like any moment
it could get taken
away from me again
ripped from my arms
but i'm not
going to think
about that yet
i'm gonna bask
in the warmth
it is offering now
frolick in its
lovely light
laugh in its
sweet shade
smile as often
as i could
take as much
as is given to me
give as much
as i could
hope that this
would go on
and on

happy
i thought i'd
forgotten how it feels like
thank you for helping me
remember

i only have
myself to blame
for falling this
deep, this far off
threw caution to
the wind
now the brisk gale
is blowing
me in all directions
can i hold on to you?
will you keep me steady?
anchored so i won't
get blown off?
or will you let
the strong gust
take me away?
so, so far away

my heart's racing
pounding uncontrollably
for a second there
i couldn't breathe
if you ask me now
what am i thinking
this very moment
i don't even know if
i have a coherent thought
i just mumble
a little to myself
trying to get a grip
compose myself
act cool
don't lose it
i start to type
then stop again
what am i gonna say
i'm a wreck
a bundle of nerves

and that's just when you smile. . .

have i lost you?
the one thing that
i was so intent on keeping

have you moved on?
left me stranded here
stuck in limbo

is that you walking away?
i want to stop you
i just don't know how
or if you would heed
my silent plea

is that the door i hear?
silently closing
you, turned away
i'm left on the other side
dumbfounded

do i say goodbye now?
run the other way
leave you be
give you your space

please tell me
it's all in my head
that i'm just making
it all up
'cause i just can't. . .
at least not yet

are you just
testing me?
trying to see
how far i would go
trying to gauge
how much i can take
how hard
i will hold on to you
trying to find out
what my threshold is
how many rejections
how many no's
how many maybe's
before i fold
call it a day
move on to the next
to an easier task
lesser evil
are you just waiting
for me to call it quits
for everything
to be too much to bear
for me to walk away?
do you just wanna know
if i'm more scared
to lose you
or if my greater fear
is to lose myself?
are you trying to see
if i will rise
to the occassion
answer to the challenge
of making you stay?
is this a game to you?
who will break first
who will give in
who can fight the hardest
who will bleed more
who can change
the other's mind?

well, game on. . .

oh i forgot
you are unattached. . .
totally unaffected. . .
my bad.

i was hoping
i'd reach you
i was hoping
i could touch
a part of you
you keep hidden
from the world
from everyone else
ambitious, i know
but i was hoping
in some small way
i could begin
to crumble some
of the walls
you put around you
melt your heart a bit
know you a little deeper
solve some of your puzzles
find out what makes you tick
uncomplicate
your complicated mind

i thought
if you would only
let me in a bit
not too much
then you might
see me too
feel me too
hear what i need to tell you
you'd come around
you'd want what i want
need me a little
i thought
if i gave you my heart
show you my world
then you'd want to be in it

was i ever more wrong?

i'm as close
as i can possibly get
as you can possibly let me
i can't get any nearer
without you
running away again
so i'm gonna stay here
i know you might not
come to me
but i'm gonna wait anyway

the funny thing
about trying to crumble
a barricade
that was put in place
to keep the world
and everybody else out
is that every push
every shove
is met with a counter push
a counter shove
every bruise you manage
to inflict in a way
marks you too
every second you
wear her down
is a minute
she wears you out
every inch forward
a mile backward
just when you think
you've gotten in
pushed the boundaries aside
in come more sentinels
to guard their queen
with their lives
the defenses seem never ending
never letting up
never giving in
i'm battered
so weary

can you hear me bleed?
do you smell
my desperation
do you taste my frustration
can you see me wince
can you feel me
almost shatter?

i envy you
you can stop anytime
without preamble
without guilt
without doubt
with no hesitation

i can't
i tried
i don't want to

but sometimes, i wish i could. . .

what makes me stay
when any normal person
would've run the other way
can i give you any reason
why i hold on
when everything you do
everything you say
points me
to a different direction?
do i like the pain?
am i addicted to the
sweet, sweet, misery?
do i like the torture
love the torment
crave the slow
burning smell of fear
my fear
why do i remain here
when you've effectively
crushed every hope
every potential
of the dream i have
of you staying with me?

so why am i still here?
what else am i waiting for?
do i really want more?

sometimes i get so tired
so spent
so torn apart
i just wanna stop
but if i do
what else would be there left for me?
could i go on?
will i have the courage
to face the coming days
knowing i lost you
i can't imagine existing
in a world where you don't

so i guess i'd have
to stay here
endure some more of this
'cause i know
however badly i'm hurting now,
letting you go will hurt even worse

if you cut the chord
i can take it
if i reach out one day
and all i get is air
it won't shock me
won't put my world
out of its orbit
life would be the same
i won't even flinch
you think
i would crumble?
i won't even feel it
i won't notice
anything different
i won't miss
your voice, your smile
your inquiring eyes
your laughter, your frown
the dimple on your cheek
the way you challenge
my every thought
how you infuriate me
and calm me at the same time
how you frustrate me
unnerve me, turn me to mush
with just one look
i will not miss any of that
i won't know sadness
i won't break down
i won't shed tears. . .
not even one. . .

now if only
i can mean
even a fourth of all that
then my life could've been so much easier,
but then again, who wants easy,
when easy means you won't be there?

am i just a habit?
did you just get used to me
pushing, shoving
giving you all that i have
trying to open you up
trying to grab at anything
grasping at straws
hoping to make sense
of the lovely chaos
that you are?

am i just a game?
you play to your heart's content
is it the thrill
the excitement
the drama
a shiny new toy
that fascinates you
for a little while atleast
did i just over estimate
my worth to you?

am i an addiction?
you are hooked on
for the time being
the rush
the momentary joy
the high
you so fervently seek
your favorite brand of morphine
that numbs you
and lets you float
into oblivion

i hope you never get
the urge to quit
to kick the habit
to cure the addiction
'cause when you do
you might. . .

no, i'm not even going there

what if i leave,
would you notice?
if one day you can't find me
can't see me, can't feel me
would it matter?
if you realize
that i'm lost
will you look for me?
search very nook
sweep every cranny
leave no stone unturned
will you never stop
till you find me?
will you even try?
if i don't turn up
will you worry?
will you think i gave up
beat yourself up
'cause you let me slip away?
would you feel
devastated, lacking
like something has been
ripped from you
taken, forced away

will it pierce your soul
knowing i'm no longer there,
or would it be
just like an ordinary day?

i told you i wasn't perfect
i told you i might
unknowingly, unintentionally
hurt you
i knew you might break me
turn me inside out
unknowingly, unintentionally
break me
you warned me
i warned you
but still i went ahead
i didn't know how to stop,
if i can stop,
if i should stop
just give up?
quit while i was ahead,
was i ever ahead?
cut the chord
while there is still life in me?
forget everything
move forward
not looking back?

i don't know if i can
i know that i don't want to
i'm staying right here
right where you are
i am in love with you
whether you believe that or not
i'm staying
you can't push me away

in the after glow
everything changes
the shadows lose their mystique
the comforting darkness
opens up to the world
my safe haven
sheds its shield
i'm like a newborn
defenses missing
all that haunts me in the cloak of night
i can face now
all that used to bring me solace
escapes me now
everything loses their meaning
gains a new one
the softness
gives way to roughness
the dreaming stops
reality begins

in the harsh light of morning
i examine my innermost thoughts
i feel what's in my heart
yep, it's still there
im in love with you still. . .

cool. calm. confident. these are the things i ought to be. i'm trying here, i just don't know if i have it in me to stay so detached.

cool. as a cucumber maybe. i have to stay unfazed. unmoved by everything that has been happening and will be happening to me and more importantly to you. i have to maintain an air of coolness, like i wouldn't falter if placed in a crowded room and you're in the middle, while everyone's trying to go for you i should just stay where i am standing, watching, waiting.

calm. waiting for you to make the first move. as i stare and pretend that it doesn't bother me. i'm calm you see, i won't move an inch. although in reality i'm dying to reach out to you. i have to feign control when inside i'm raging to break free. run to you, take you away. . .

confident. enough to believe that you won't look the other way. enough to think that no matter what he does, what they do, you'll still choose to be with me. enough to assume, yes assume, that you are trying too, i'm not in this alone, you're part of this too.

i have to pretend that i'm just cruising along, no worries at all. i don't know if i can, i'm not built this way. but for your sake, for my sanity's sake i'll try, even if it kills me i'll just smile

the mischievous smile
like you are up to something slightly bad
the saucy grin
like you are ready to tease me yet again

the squinting eyes
trying to read into me
the sinister smirk
when i stupidly say something i shouldn't have

the fearsome glare
when you're out for blood (mine usually hahahaha)
the squaring of your shoulders
when you're trying to make a point

the somber frown
the slight air of annoyance
the way you play with your mouth
the deep concentration as you put your make-up on

the raised eyebrow
the endless why's
your inquisitive mind
the sarcasm

the silent pain
hidden behind your beautiful eyes
the unshed tears
ensconed on such strong mask

some of the things that i miss about you
i wish i could keep all of them locked inside a special trunk, so i could relieve them over and over, maybe then i won't yearn for you as much

i'm scared. . .
i hate to admit it but i am
i'm shaking in my boots
my heart's beating so fast i can hardly breathe

uncertain?
no, not at all
i've never been more sure
i want you, i need this, this is not what i'm afraid of

what terrifies me
is that i might not be what you need
what keeps me up at night
is that i might not be all you want me to be

i might fall short
i might break you
i might not be enough
i might cause you more pain

all i ever wanted was to be everything for you
now i am so afraid that ultimately i might just ruin you

But if your heart is cold, my sheets are warm.
I will shelter you through the storm.
I will shelter you all through the storm. . .


honey could you come here a moment
let me dry your eyes, let me hold you close
let me try to clear your head
of the ghosts that have constantly haunted you

could you lean on me a bit
just rest your head on my shoulder for some time
close your eyes, try to rest
i'll watch over you tonight

can i hold your hand in mine a while?
plant a kiss on your forehead, just one
whisper softly in your ear
they're gone now dear, i've chased them far away, atleast for today

i know, this is like trying to put band aid
to a wound that was ripped open bleeding, aching
i know this is just a pit stop
to the treacherous journey ahead, i know that

but atleast for a few precious hours you are safe
we'll think about tomorrow some other time, for now just lie down, i'll look after you