it would probably
be easier if i
abandon any hope
that you might
one day wake up
and realize that
you love me
probably better
to just stop
waiting
get it through
my thick, unheeding brain
that it is over
has been over
for quite some time

i have this
annoying habit
of latching on
and refusing to let go
until every ounce
of strength has been
drained from me
like a hound
on a trail
the scent of blood
lures me, excites me
i'll be on the prowl
on the hunt
but what happens
now that the subtle hint
is starting to vanish?
do i turn around
just go back to
where i began?
do i look for
another prey
a different game
one who leaves
a rather obvious trail
a target far
less skittish
easier to tame
a lot more trusting
meeker?

it is not
the thrill of the
chase that i'm after
neither the joy
of take over
nor the pride
in triumphing over
an entity deemed
unconquerable from the
very beginning


so what then is
my purpose?

knowing that i may have
the slightest chance
to hold a piece of your heart
makes every bit of
effort, every tiny discomfort
all the silent frustration
and endless trepidation
seem like such a small
price to pay

if you were mine. . .

i would wake you up
with kisses
make you coffee
black, like you want it
i'll make breakfast
as you bathe
i'll feed you eggs
scrambled right?
and bacon maybe
then we'll read
the paper, answer
the crossword puzzle
just spend the
morning leisurely
like time is not
the enemy, we have plenty
don't you worry

then we'd go out
for a movie
the latest horror flick
you'd like that i bet
or we could just
shop, look at the displays
i'll point out what i want
tell me what you like
hold your hand a bit
we'll have lunch
somewhere quiet
okay, you can pick
and we'll talk
so how's your dad?
and your mom, your siblings,
your niece, how are they
holding up?
and you'll ask about me
my job, what do i think
of the latest novel by coelho?
i'd say it's riveting,
so have you read it too?

i'll look at my watch
just half past two
too early to go
to the beach, too hot still
so we'll walk some more
stop at a coffee shop
i love the smell of coffee
you love the taste
rich, warm, soothing
kinda like your smile eh?
talk some more
pass the time
just goof around
relax in the shade

ahh, almost six
hurry dear we'll miss
it if we don't
quicken the pace
ok we're here, lets
find a nice spot
for what you ask?
to watch the sunset silly,
what did you think i was up to?
and then you'd laugh
the sound fills me
moves me
and after that we'd sit
in companionable silence
as we watch the sun
bid farewell to the day
vibrant colors exploding
until it suddenly fades
turns to darkness
the sweet steady dance
of the sun as it
is replaced by the moon
to stand guard with

countless tiny stars
i am humbled by it
i'll look at you,
dear let's go

home to a dinner
prepared just for us
nothing fancy
lasagna maybe,
a bottle of wine,

a couple of candles
glowing, creating shadows
a play on light
and dimness
as i meticulously
stare at the softnesss
of your face
i'll ask what you're thinking
you'll say it's almost perfect
with a tiny twinge
of sadness in your voice
i'll touch your hand,
it's okay, i'm still here
i'll lead you to your bedroom
plump your pillows
lay your head down
put a blanket over you
rest my dear
i'll look after you
i'll watch you in slumber

and when you wake
i'll be gone

you are not mine
i just wish you were. . .

tell me, what caught your attention?

do i make you laugh with my honesty?
do i make you taste sugar and caramel?
do i make you hear songs when you're with me?
do i make you smile when your day's been hell?
do i calm you when you're angry?
do i make you feel loved?
do i make your days less dreary?
do i come off to you as fiery?
do i make you want to come close to me?
do i give you the urge to see right through?
do i make you think better of you?
do i make you dream there could be "we"?
do i make you stammer when i talk?
do i guess right what you feel?
do i make you smell flowers when i walk?
do i guess right what you think?
do i dazzle you from afar?

'cause i tell you,
i get dull.

i am waiting. . .
for someone who will
hold my hand
when i am lonesome
touch my cheek
to reassure me
wipe my tears
dry my eyes
hold me close
when i am hurting
tell me it'll be
fine, she'll make everything alright
sit with me in silence
when there's nothing left to say
someone who knows
my moods, my dreams
my passion my whims
my stories
every anecdote
and she adds her own
every sound that i make
my simple gestures
every smile, shrug
she understands
without question
someone who'll fight with me
and laugh with me
my very own superhero
she'll know every scar
tend to every wound
heal me

i have waited. . .
every single day
every single hour
hoping that one
unassuming day
she'll find me
run to me
promise me she'll stay

i will still wait. . .
i am tired
my dearest
of lying in endless
anticipation for
someone who may not
even really exist
but the hope
that by some
screwed up luck
you might come for me. . .

okay, i'll be here
at least for a few more days

i am. . .
hanging in mid air
in between
ecstasy and solitude
as the expression goes
a rock and a very
hard place
a fork on the road
shall i take
the one less travelled
this time
or shall i follow
the path chosen
by most who came
before me?

i am. . .
in limbo
floating in a foreign place
i can't read the signs
they're scribbles to me
does no mean no
does yes mean yes
or is everything
a resounding maybe?

i am. . .
all out of reasons
all out of excuses
i have run out
of explanations
and possible solutions
are now a rarity

everyone tells me
i need to go right
but every bit of me
is wanting to go left

i am. . .
so very torn
overly worn
i think i'll just ride
the waves for now

it's not that i enjoy
the misery
it's not that i
revel in my pain
i stay because
if i leave
i know you won't
come after me

you say you
are empty
let me fill you
a part of you
was mine before
is it possible that
i can have
a wee bit more?

i can't slow down
time is not a
luxury i'm allowed
to play with
i have weighed things
i've over analyzed,
over thought, second guessed
i'm done with that
thank you for letting me feel

you can't hurt me
more than i've
already agonized
over the idea
of losing you
pathetic as it may seem
i'm more scared
to give you up
than to just give in,
let all this go

i do not know
where we would
end up to
where this would
eventually lead us

just this once
i will not care

i'll stop. . .
just as soon
as the clouds
stop hugging the moon
when the sun
ceases to bring
warmth, refuses to shine
when the world's spinning
suddenly halts

i'll stop. . .
when there's
no more rain
when rainbows
lose their hue
when the tides
no longer turn
when time
comes to a standstill

i'll stop. . .
just as soon
as my arms become
too weary
my eyes become
too cloudy
when breathing
is no longer required
to keep on thriving
when my heart
discontinues beating

i might
find it in me
to very slowly
walk away, if need be
but to stop?

i don't know how
i don't know when
i'm not even aware
if i'm capable
of making myself


STOP

is it a sin
to hope too much?
to wish for
something deemed impossible?
want someone
totally unreacheable?
try against
all odds
believe in something
beyond comprehension
trust someone
utterly without doubt

is it a crime
to put your faith
into something
neither tried nor tested,
foolishly go
where nobody dared
put everything on the line
bet on someone
who wouldn't even
bet on herself?

is it so bad
to wear your heart
on your sleeve
free yourself
from every pretense
rid yourself
of every mask
offer yourself blindly
willingly, with no
hesitation, no questions

is it an act
of treason
to tempt fate
tether within the edge
of reason
frolick just beyond
the borders of
uncertainty?

call it foolhardy
say it's a mistake
an atrocity
an infringement to
any unwritten rule
a mortal sin even
but i'd rather
go overboard with hope
than live my life
so terrified of
what's almost possible

should you be mine?
am i worthy,
of your time,
your emotions,
your tears
your frustrations?

i bring out
the worst in you
is it possible
that i could also
bring forth
the best you can be?

if i hold on
longer than everyone else
if i have it in me
to wait patiently
will you come?
will you sit with me
sometimes and promise
me one day
you'll stop running away?

if i push
hard enough
will you give in?
if i pull
fiercely enough
will you eventually bend?
will you yield, cave in, concede
if i never admit defeat?

one step forward
three steps back
you are more distant from me
than when we started
swiftly pulling away
will i, one day get
to where you are?

will you stop
allow me to catch up
or will you take off farther away
till there's no more trace
of you ever being here?

In a perfect realm,it would be a breeze...
Not to fancy you,
Not to recoil at your need, or mine.
Not to breathe in your memories.
Not to linger,
Not to ask for more.

In a perfect scheme,
I can scrutinize your mind.
I can have what's mine.
I can say you love me in the faint,
And in the sunshine.

In a perfect season,
Rain falls and not my tears.
Summer scorches skin and not my fears.

The perfect me would be unbending.
The perfect you would be yearning.

In a world full of glitch,
All tainted & meek.
You and I are perfect.
You and I are allowed to be weak.

Thanks Chubs

I Keep Expecting You To
:: a poem by Jewel ::

I keep expecting you
to fade
to wake up one morning
and not care
so I
keep myself
one carefully measured step away
in anticipation
of your love's decline

so when your cheek turns
and your attention
wanders
elsewhere
my heart will not be left
all awkward
hanging
from an elastic thread
you forgot to pull off
your old pair of socks

for it is in your nature to
lose interest suddenly
we are both artists
who suck the marrow out
of each lovely bone

It just happens to be
my lovely bones
this time

how bare...

Sometimes I feel like a stranger, because I can’t recognize myself. Sometimes I want to let go, although deep inside I know I have to hold on. Sometimes I wish I could read your thoughts, so that I know what you think of me. Sometimes I wish you would see me for who I really am, so I could come out of the shadows. Sometimes, I wish that words were weapons because they are all I have. Sometimes I wish I had a reason, so I could understand why. Sometimes I wrap myself in fear, afraid of something I can’t see. Sometimes I wish I had never given up, so I wouldn’t have to envy people who didn’t. Sometimes I lie, because I’m afraid of the truth. Sometimes I smile, just to show that I’m not dead inside. Sometimes I get lost, trying to find myself. Sometimes I hope tomorrow will be better than today, like today was better than yesterday.


-from "unsilent dawn"-

A LETTER TO AN EX

for all those smiles you threw my way
for all those times you made my heart dance
for all those times you made me breathless
for all those times you made me laugh
for all those times you enlightened me
for all those times you made me look at myself critically
for the dreams you shared with me
for all the disappointments i was privy to
for thanking me 'cause i made you laugh
for the conversations
for the messages
for the take cares and i miss you's and i love you too's
for the hugs, the virtual kisses
for the days you somehow made complete
for the lessons i learned through you
for trying your best to not hurt me
for taking the time to talk to me
for staying up late or waking too early
for everything else that i might have forgotten to mention

i am grateful.

and i know that it was such a short time
and i know that i might not have even left a mark
but know that you left an imprint in me that even time would never diminish
a part of me will always be in love with you

i'm sorry i have to go
i'm sorry you had to make me go
i am just sorry.

i would've
gone through
hell and back
over and over
if i knew
you would've stayed
there with me
if i knew that
after everything
i would see you there
smiling at me
reaching out to me
holding me close
telling me everyting
is going to be fine
i'm safe now
we are safe now
i would've given
my last breath
if i knew
one day you'll
breathe them all
right back to me
raise me from
almost death
breathe life back into me
i would've cried
all the tears i could
if i knew the
day would come
when you'll be
wiping every trace
of pain from my
tired tired eyes

i would've given
up the world
if you could've said
you'll stay
in mine

about a couple of months earlier i wished for two things. that is one, to be able to feel, something, anything other than boredom. I wanted to feel and i didn't care if i would eventually break down. just as long as i can feel alive again. secondly, i asked to be allowed to fall, uncaring even if i hit the ground, literally and figuratively. i said i was ready. bring it on life, i won't run away from whatever you decide to throw at me. . .

guess what? i got my wish granted. . .

it was exciting. the first stirrings of awakened emotions. for a long while i thought i was numb. i thought i had lost the ability to feel. i was safe that way. emotions are messy you see, so i tried to keep them locked inside. it was liberating to finally let them out. happiness was a foreign emotion i got to know again. i was eager and brave, i put aside fear and uncertainty, i won't let them put a cloud over the sunshine i discovered. blissfully contented. i really thought i was.

I fell, almost instantly. no warning bells could reach me, i never stopped to look at signals, i was ready. i need this, have always wanted this in my life. falling feels thrilling, exhilarating. my face hurt from smiling all the time. falling in love is the most lovely experience, i knew it would be this way. i have craved for this for as long as i can remember. i am flying, floating, cruising. . .

crash.

i was allowed to feel. happiness, thrill, excitement, brevity. i forgot to cross out pain, sorrow, fear, heartache. i wanted to feel and in my haste i was willing to experience every side of every emotion. i thought i could handle them, turned out i couldn't.

i was given the chance to fall. and i took the plunge as soon as i can. i fell fast and hard. i failed to add that i wanted someone to catch me as well. and so i crashed. broken and wounded, without a clue. i was too stupid to think that it was automatic, if you fall someone's going to catch you. funny, funny, funny reg.

i said i didn't care if i broke down, if i hit the ground. i said it was ok if i should cry a little, die a little the most important thing was that i lived for a little while. and i did. lived for a very short while. i was invincible, extraordinary, free. and it was fun, as long as it lasted. but like everything meaningful and beautiful, it ended almost as soon as it started.

so now i'm back, here at square one. a seemingly lost soul trying to find my way again. will it lead me to you again? i doubt it. but knowing that for a short time i was a part of you, as you will always be a part of me is rewarding enough. now will i do it all over again? i just might. . .

i was hoping
you'd say
don't leave,
please stay
i was hoping
you'd say no
i need you,
don't go
i wanted you to
ask me to wait
ask me to just be there
tell me that
yeah, you do care
it's just that
the timing was
never right eh?
wrong place
at the wrong time
that's what it all
adds up to right?
a mistake
we never
should have made
a line we never
should've crossed
should've kept walking
should've looked away
ignored those eyes
i should have never stopped

i don't blame you
never that
you were honest
from the start
every flaw
every conflict
every card laid down
i chose to be there
chose to stay there

so what happens now?
when you finally admit
that you want me to quit?
will i continue to
fight for you?
i would if i knew
i'd have the slightest chance
but i don't, never had any
never will have any

do i say goodbye now?
do i walk away now?
i would, you know
if it will make everything
alright for you
i should. . .

should i congratulate myself?

give myself a pat on the back

commend myself

for a job well done

i've managed to not

talk to you

for more hours than

i intend to count

i have stayed away

as excruciating as it is

i have kept out

i should stay out

but much as i hate

to admit it somehow

you never left

my thoughts

not for a moment

was i ever free

of you,

i prided myself

with the fact that

i was able to disengage

pretend to not care

but that's just it

a pretense, when

i know full well

that in reality

i never can do it

never will do it

never even imagined i'd try

i wanted you to miss me

to be aware that i was

starting to slip away

did you even feel it?

a grand scheme

a charade i designed

did it work?

i doubt it

are congratulations

really in order?

i don't think so

i failed miserably you see,

i am back where i started

waiting, again and again and again. . .

i love her
in the most basic way
and i have tried
to tell her
in the plainest way possible
how her eyes
pierce me, calls to me
how her smile
radiates, warms me
to my very soul
how her lips
soft and pliant
lures me
how she wraps me
'round her delicate fingers
how her every word
however cutting
clings to me
how the sound
of her voice
however faint
completes my day
her every movement
has me entranced
i could never take
my eyes off of her
i'm afraid to even blink
'cause i might miss
a moment i could
never get back
her laughter
like fine whiskey poured
in a snifter
it hugs me
comforts me

yes i love her
and sometimes. . .
she loves me too

If I were a different person
If it was a different time,
A moment much stranger than this
And an inch closer to possible,
Would you choose to be with me?
Go after me?
Want me until it hurts?
Love me without having to object?
Love me and not confuse me?

If we remain unmoved & waiting,
Would we meet up at the same place?
Would you be happy I'm there?

In my dream, I run.
I run slow enough to let you catch up.
I run and I cry.
I run and you are not moving.

If I were different,
Would you be the same?
Would you put me to pain again?
And love me until you can't?

so what happens when
you've reached
the edge, when there's
nowhere else to turn to
do you just sit, a captive audience
as the memories
unfold before your
soulless eyes?
do you cringe,
as you realize your loss?
do you falter
lost for words
devoid of emotion?
do you carry on
knowing a part of you
is staying behind?
the most precious piece of you
what you would've given
the world if only
you can keep her,
if only
she wanted to
remain with you,
do you grieve
knowing that you
could never get her back
whatever you do, no matter
how many wishes, how many
tries
you can never have her
she is lost
she doesn't wanna be found again

you stare in silence
as darkness engulfs you
embraces you, seeps in
darkness is your ally now
it allows you to hide
its fingers hold on to you
keeps you tightly reined
the first embers of dawn
slowly spreads
but you will never get
a glimpse of its lovely skies
there will be no warmth
no mirth, no more quiet smiles

the sun is rising
but mine already hid
behind dark clouds
their rays will never reach me now
will never touch me now
i'm staying nestled
in shadow's cold bosom
darkness is my friend. . .

yeah i know
how you hate it
when i can't hold
my tongue
when i forget
when to shut up
when i ask too much
when i cross
whatever imaginary
line you've drawn up
when i overlook
the boundaries you've set
when i'm late
when i wake you up
when you've just
begun sleeping
when i do stuff
which reminds you
of someone else
when i ask
too many questions
when i bug you
about the same
thing over and over
when i can't
understand your silence
when i'm impatient
when i act like a kid

i know you hate it
but sometimes i mess up
and some days i will
still mess up

i am so sorry
can i take it back?

no clever lines
this time
no witty come-backs
no play on words
no metaphors
no denials
no justifications
no definitions
no explanations
just words
as they are
meant to be read
plain and
as simply put
i'm gonna rest
my pen
i'm out of
phrases
out of sentences
out of emotions
they were
wrung out of me
so i'm just
gonna stop
i am meant to
just stop
i'll come back
when the words
are no longer blurry
when my eyes
clear up

for now
i'm just gonna
leave you be
that was all
you ever asked of me

will i ever
reach you?
be close enough
to touch you
hold your hand
capture your
innermost thoughts
be a part
of your circle
catch a little
of your light
own a meager
piece of you
will i ever
be allowed
to share a bit
of your secrets
be privy to
your most
precious dreams
will i ever be
given a peek
to atleast
a few of your fantasies?

or will i always
be just
a lowly spectator
on the outside
struggling to look in
a part of
the many crowd
trying to get
as close as
you let them
or as you let
them think they can get?
will i always
be one foot
outside your door
imagining at some
point i'll be
allowed to come in?
will you ever let me in?

or will i just be
forever knocking,
forever trying,
forever struggling?

i sit in silence
the comforting
stillness
as it envelops me
carries me away
to a place
where there's no pain
no more worries
everything's alright now
nothing to fear
i can just lay down
let the solemn
waves take me away
somewhere other
than where i am
right now
somewhere certain
somewhere solid
somewhere i can reach out
and not get
my hand slapped
somewhere i can
call out
and not hear
just echoes
of my own voice
somewhere steady

silence lures me
seduces me
into staying
within her wings
i can rest here
stay here
where i am calm
she'll keep me safe
i am so tempted. . .

but then i see you
dark and twisted you
sarcasm personified
mind boggling
stress inducing you
my sweet tormentor. . .

i'd rather have
my world rocked
to its very core
than stay in the
peaceful shade
serenity offers

if wishes
were horses
i would've had
a forty acre land
filled with stables
i have this
habit
of asking
for far too much
than i probably
deserve
more than
is possible
more than what
i could probably
have
an eternal
optimist
my downfall,
i guess
too late to realize
that if you
want something
as badly as
i'm wanting,
needing you now
i should stop
wishing
and do something,
anything to
make you mine
the odds
are stacked up
against me
but i can't stop
not when
it's you at stake
not when
i hardly recognize
life before you
or after you

i am going
to make you
love me
however long
it takes
however hard you
make it

i am already yours
all i have to do
is make you mine
now how
in the hell can i do that?
i don't know
maybe the fates
would smile my way
this time
maybe, just maybe. . .
add another horse
to my ever growing ranch

in retrospect
should i have
done things
a little differently?
should i have been
a little less eager
a little more patient
a little more cynic
less optimistic?
should i have
been a little less open
much more secretive
pretended i was
a bit more
of an enigma?
would i have been
more interesting if i did?
would i have
prevented you from
feeling ever so restless
could i have kept you
from getting too bored,
from moving on
if i could've been
a lot less intense?
could i have made you stay
if i had chosen
an entirely different way?
or was i a failure
from the get go?
bound to crash
and burn,
a lovely flame

and knowing
that everything
would've eventually
died a silent death
would i have still gone ahead?

in a heartbeat, yes

i've been
pushed, shoved
brought to the edge
limits tested
i've been fed
a little bit
of heaven
then forced
to swallow
a somewhat bitter pill
i've been cuddled
then without
a moment's notice
been left
to fend for myself
given a glimpse
of what paradise
must look like
then had the
gates slammed
in my face
keys thrown away
i was drowning
then i saw land
but it must
have been just a mirage
'cause i never stopped
swimming yet i
am still so
far away from the shore
i thought
i saw a vision
must've been
just a figment
of my overactive imagination

would i lose hope?
just give in
let the ocean
swallow me?
put me out
of my misery?
i don't think i can
heaven may be
too far away from me
but i know that
it's still somewhere out there
just beyond my reach
i'm not quitting now. . .