about a couple of months earlier i wished for two things. that is one, to be able to feel, something, anything other than boredom. I wanted to feel and i didn't care if i would eventually break down. just as long as i can feel alive again. secondly, i asked to be allowed to fall, uncaring even if i hit the ground, literally and figuratively. i said i was ready. bring it on life, i won't run away from whatever you decide to throw at me. . .

guess what? i got my wish granted. . .

it was exciting. the first stirrings of awakened emotions. for a long while i thought i was numb. i thought i had lost the ability to feel. i was safe that way. emotions are messy you see, so i tried to keep them locked inside. it was liberating to finally let them out. happiness was a foreign emotion i got to know again. i was eager and brave, i put aside fear and uncertainty, i won't let them put a cloud over the sunshine i discovered. blissfully contented. i really thought i was.

I fell, almost instantly. no warning bells could reach me, i never stopped to look at signals, i was ready. i need this, have always wanted this in my life. falling feels thrilling, exhilarating. my face hurt from smiling all the time. falling in love is the most lovely experience, i knew it would be this way. i have craved for this for as long as i can remember. i am flying, floating, cruising. . .

crash.

i was allowed to feel. happiness, thrill, excitement, brevity. i forgot to cross out pain, sorrow, fear, heartache. i wanted to feel and in my haste i was willing to experience every side of every emotion. i thought i could handle them, turned out i couldn't.

i was given the chance to fall. and i took the plunge as soon as i can. i fell fast and hard. i failed to add that i wanted someone to catch me as well. and so i crashed. broken and wounded, without a clue. i was too stupid to think that it was automatic, if you fall someone's going to catch you. funny, funny, funny reg.

i said i didn't care if i broke down, if i hit the ground. i said it was ok if i should cry a little, die a little the most important thing was that i lived for a little while. and i did. lived for a very short while. i was invincible, extraordinary, free. and it was fun, as long as it lasted. but like everything meaningful and beautiful, it ended almost as soon as it started.

so now i'm back, here at square one. a seemingly lost soul trying to find my way again. will it lead me to you again? i doubt it. but knowing that for a short time i was a part of you, as you will always be a part of me is rewarding enough. now will i do it all over again? i just might. . .