love is not for the meek
you have to fight, to bleed
to compromise, to ask for what you need
love is not for the weak

it is for the brave. . .
for the warrior who got trampled
over and over and yet never
surrendered in defeat

it is for the fearless. . .
who got burned over and over
yet never gave in
who fought, who struggled
who wears each scar so proudly
a badge of courage, of honor

it is for the patient. . .
who waited for her turn
who never lost hope

for the defiant. . .
who does not know any
other way to love than fiercely,
ferociously, passionately
the ones who never held back
who knows how ruthless love can be
yet still soldiered on
unmoved, unafraid

it is not who we love that defines us
rather, it is how we love. . .

and though we try our very best
to let the past
lie where it should. . .
remembering would still come
in waves, in hoards, when you least expect them

a multitude of years' worth of 
memories, tears, pain, laughter, hope, despair
and a collection of other emotions in between
would be impossible to hide
in the far corners of your mind
no matter how hard you push and pull and sit on the lid
a few still manage to escape
from time to time

like a long lost friend
they can comfort you
like a warm blanket in the cold
they can embrace you in their warmth
or like a nemesis you cower from
they can haunt you, make you tremble in fear

the past, how ever poignant,
how ever bitter, how ever sweet,
no matter what it is to us,
we can never out run. . .
the sooner we accept that,
the sooner we heal. . .

we can never forget. . .

we should never forget. . .

if we do we never learn

I have had my share of losses
My share of heartbreaks, hence this blog
A place i can put into writing
All that i'm feeling
An attempt to bury all my emotions
To let it all go
Empty my heart, my head and my soul
An avenue where i could make sense
To all the madness
To all that ails and troubles me
My forever ally
A friend i always go back to
When all life's pain prove to be too much
Too sudden
Where i can throw away all that's been bothering me
My personal wall where i can rant
I can shout, i can pour myself out
And no one will judge me

My writing has always been my shield
A cozy hole i can crawl in
Who would comfort me and make me whole again








It is failing its job now

I don't think anyone or anything
Can console me now
I am in too deep nothing can lift me out now
Depression is eating me up and it is uncontrollable now
I do not want to take a minute to regroup
I wanna curl up and just die now
Stay hidden, as still as i can be
I have lost all the energy
There is nothing left to fight for
Not a thing left to salvage
No pride, no hope, no joy, not even a dull light

I am just so tired
So bloodied, so spent
I gave all i could
My heart my soul my body my head
All of me and then some
I put everything on the fucking line
And i came out empty

So god damned barren

Thank you for making me feel
So small and insignificant
For wringing all the joy
And bathing me in bitterness
If that was your intention
I congratulate you. . .
A job well done

i keep on waiting. . .
you keep on fighting
sooner or later
something has to give

will it be you?
god i hope so
i hope you realize in time
that i am all you'll ever need

like i know that you
are everything i have always wanted
that although i may seem to have a lot
it all feels bleak without you

will it be me?
i could tell you that i don't think so
that i would hold on
till you change your mind

i would've said that, a few days ago i would've probably promised you that. . .

but it is indeed
getting harder and harder to breathe
i try to remind you
that i love you, everytime i could
but my words seem to fall
on deaf ears and you
keep on moving too far out of my reach
you lay beside me but i feel 
like i'm losing you
every minute, every second

and i'm the only one fighting. . .

i would stay
if i knew you wanted me to
if i see that you are waiting for me too
if i feel your hands holding on to me
your eyes worried that you might lose me too. . .

all i can hear is you walking away
little by little, every damn day
and it's sad to see my dream drift away
but it is so much harder to beg you to stay when all you want is break away. . .

i hope you get your peace. . .
i hope you relish your freedom. . .
i hope you stumble on contentment. . .
i hope you finally find your happiness. . .

and i hope it was all worth it. . .

i still cry . . .
whenever i'm alone and i think of you
of all that i'll miss
your face, your smell, the taste of your lips
you, tucked under my chin
sleeping so peacefully
i whisper to you
and even in your dreams you tell me you love me too. . .

i still bleed. . .
all those times i know you'll see him, be with him
i often wonder do you even still think about me
when you hold him, when you kiss him
when you look into his eyes do you remember what mine looked like?
when you smile at him or when you laugh
are you happier now than when you loved me?

i still ache. . .
whenever i remember the moments we spent with each other
when we swore we will hold on till forever
when i could still quiet down your fears
and wipe away each and every tear
when i was still your hero
the one you could never let go. . .

i am oh so weak. . .

but you will never see me break down now
put up a fight and stand my ground to stop you now
i may be weak but pride is all i've got now
you'll see me smile and hear me laugh
i'll be all better now

even if it is all pretend, just as long as it will make it easier on you

you'll think i have moved on
even if i'm stuck where you left me
i'll swallow my sobs
even if they choke me
you'll think that i'm happy
even if it kills me

well it's all over now isn't it?
the plans we made, the dreams we supposedly would realize together
everything i thought were true
every word spoken with such promise
every touch, every caress, every sound you made
we should forget

it's only me again now
i have been in this place countless times before
have been used to the solitude
the desperation, the knowledge that this is where
i will always return to
you made me forget

you held up a light for me
when all i saw was gloom and darkness
you held my hand, and whispered to me
that forever you'll hold me in your arms tightly
you picked up my broken pieces and built me, made me whole
only to break me again
i should forget

and i adored you, you were mine, all mine
you were so precious to me
i looked at you and held my breath
you looked so fragile, so sweet and i might ruin you
yet you ruined me
you should forget

so now i'm back
to where i swore i would never be again
trying so hard to start and begin again
this time all on my own as it always should've been
just I as I and not as we

you told me that it feels like you never had an effect on me
that is absofuckinglutely not true
so here is a list of the things i learned from you:

1. i am capable of being loved

i have searched, waited, begged, prayed for someone who will
love me, care about me, stay with me
then you found me
and i was the happiest woman alive
you filled my heart
and showed me that i could be needed
as much as i can need someone
thank you for loving me completely
for giving me everything i have always wished for
for letting me feel like i was the most important person in your life
when we worked, we were amazing
you made me amazing
and i would be forever glad that i had
opened myself up for you 

2. good things come to those who wait

i waited for you
even when there was no more hope
i still kept the faith
so when you did come i was so happy
you were worth it
i keep telling you that
and it is true
you chased all the loneliness away from me
and held me so lovingly

3. forever is just a word, 

you made me believe that it existed
because that was how long i would've wanted to be with you
i trusted you when you promised me that we could have  it
all of it
but i learned the hard way that there is no such thing

4. love may sometimes conquer all but there are times when it's just not enough

god, i loved you
i loved everything about you
i loved you with a love i never even knew i had
i did things i didn't know i was capable of doing
but i did them out of love
and i have endured and was willing to endure
anything to keep you
anything at all
everything humanly possible
but it's not that i did not love you enough
this time it's more like, no matter how much
i love you, my love just ain't enough
there are things that you want, need
that i just cannot give
and so i must walk away
so someone else can walk in 
someone who can give you
all that i can't

5. everything ends.

yeah they do.
and i have always known that
but with you i kinda forgot that
i started to believe that maybe some things stay
maybe you will always be with me
maybe what we had will stand the test of time
maybe others failed because they were not as strong as we are
maybe they loved less than we did
i really thought we will be the ones who would live to tell
the world that when you want something as badly as we wanted to stay together
you can beat the world
and yet we ended in a glorious heap
oh how we ended

6. life goes on

i am amazed 
that while i feel my world has stopped on its tracks
i see life pass me
all around
everyone is still moving
so i guess i must move with them
everything is the same in the world
and yet everything is different
our love ended
but life, it keeps turning
so i have to continue with it

7. i have a very strong threshold for pain

maybe because i had a lot of practice
people have come and gone before
and i kinda gotten used to it
but when you left i realized that i haven't seen enough pain yet
and i am so much stronger that i thought i were
i felt so much
and i would've continued with it
if i knew i would still have you
if in the end i could still be with you

8. never believe everything people tell you

be grateful
be appreciative
be accepting
but never believe
because although what you said may be true when you said them
nothing is true at all times
maybe you just got used to saying them
maybe you too wanted them to be true
but what we mean changes
and though i want to never forget you said all that you did
sometimes i just want to forget all of them
i wish i had the strength to not blindly believe
but i didn't
and right now it's killing me

9. pain won't kill you.

although there were times i wished it did
i just want them to stop so badly
and so i thought that if i lay still it would just pass by me
but it stayed
and i learned to befriend it
i even relish it sometimes
it comforts me now
to know that however great this pain is
it keeps me alive

10. this too shall pass.

i am not there yet
but if there really is a god
i know he will take me out of this misery someday
i am hoping that it would be soon enough
i am too tired and weary
i have bled too much
cried too hard
scratched and clawed and fought 
till there is almost nothing left in me
but a twinge of hope that yeah
this too shall pass