cool. calm. confident. these are the things i ought to be. i'm trying here, i just don't know if i have it in me to stay so detached.

cool. as a cucumber maybe. i have to stay unfazed. unmoved by everything that has been happening and will be happening to me and more importantly to you. i have to maintain an air of coolness, like i wouldn't falter if placed in a crowded room and you're in the middle, while everyone's trying to go for you i should just stay where i am standing, watching, waiting.

calm. waiting for you to make the first move. as i stare and pretend that it doesn't bother me. i'm calm you see, i won't move an inch. although in reality i'm dying to reach out to you. i have to feign control when inside i'm raging to break free. run to you, take you away. . .

confident. enough to believe that you won't look the other way. enough to think that no matter what he does, what they do, you'll still choose to be with me. enough to assume, yes assume, that you are trying too, i'm not in this alone, you're part of this too.

i have to pretend that i'm just cruising along, no worries at all. i don't know if i can, i'm not built this way. but for your sake, for my sanity's sake i'll try, even if it kills me i'll just smile