if i could have
someone i could call mine
i wish it would be you
then everything will be fine
if i could hold
anyone's hand in mine
i hope it would be yours
then everything will be fine
if i could share a kiss
i'm praying it'll be
your lips
and lock someone in a sweet embrace
it would be you and your grace
if i should wake in the light of day
wouldn't it be lovely
if i could see your face
open up my eyes
and breathe your air before i rise

it would be perfect
you would be perfect

i'm done with subtlety
i'm through with pretext
if i could have one wish
it is to be with you like this

i love mind games
i love that i don't know
what's going on in your head
and you are guessing
what i must be thinking
when every move i make
creates confusion
and every word you say
are just illusions
when both of us are wondering
what every gesture means
am i laughing
because i am pleased,
or are my smiles
dripping in sarcasm?
is that a frown i see
or are you plotting
your next assault?
was that a sigh of contentment,
or was that a sound
of disappointment?
am i getting to your nerves,
are you as affected,
or is it just me?

have i forged ahead,
or am i still following your lead?
are you nearing surrender
or haven't i even
scratched the surface?
am i beginning to
see right through you
or are you still covered with layers
of doubt, mistrust, defenses?
are you starting to open up?
will you ever open up?

i'm still enjoying
the uncertainty,
the recklessnes,
the insanity
the elaborate schemes
the play on words
the battle of wits
will i lose yet again?
we'll see, love,
we'll see

i inch closer
you stand your ground
i move in a bit
you stay where you are
it's okay, i'll take it slow
there's no rush,love
we'll bid our time
i just need you
to be there
i just want you
to not float away
i'll be steady
don't you worry
one step at a time
there's no hurry
you can just wait
for me to reach you
i'll be there in a moment
i'll come and get you

when you least
expect it
i'll swoop down
fill your head with
my scent
crawl under your skin
bother you, leave you undone
send your senses into overdrive
till all you can see,
all you can feel,
all that you breathe
is me
all you'll hear is my voice
all you can utter is my name
i'll leave you drunken
yet wanting more
my taste will linger
on your lips
you'll be in such daze,
you'll never know what hit you

when you are ready, honey,
i'll come get you
for now i'll just let
you think you're still safe,
wear your guard down,
i'll be as patient as i can,
in a little while love,
in a little while

you know how much
i hate leaving
how much i detest
bidding farewell
how much i avoid
having to say goodbye
if i had one fear
that keeps me awake
all night
it is the thought
of walking away,
trying to forget,
accepting that i am
indeed forgotten

i said i would
try and move on
i promised i'd never
look back
i'll just trudge forward
make you a part
of my past
never allow myself
to indulge in your memory
it would be better that way
it would be easier, you say
and i tried,
oh how i tried

i apologize
that sometimes my thoughts
still stray to you
that on some days
i still find myself
waiting for you by my doorstep
that on occasion i stay very silent
trying to listen to your voice,
hoping that the wind
might in some way carry it to me
i am terribly sorry
that i sometimes close my eyes
and imagine your smile
i still go over the conversations
we had and remember how
i used to laugh
how i used to make you
mad on purpose
how i loved arguing,
then making up

everything's different now
and i swore i'll never go back
but some days i can't help but wish
i never let you go
that i'm still allowed
to hold on to you
that i never said goodbye. . .

little drops trapped
on the window pane
each one racing
like tears falling
successively, without
urging, as if they
have a mind of their own
they drip incoherently
the sound lulls me
lures me to sleep
pitter, patter, steadily
without any sign
of slowing down
or stopping anytime soon

the cold reaches me
seeps through my skin
embraces my bones
flows through my veins
turns my blood to ice
slows down my heartbeat
numbs me
my breath frozen
but i can't look away
it amazes me
how cold it could get

it flushes away
the dust, the pain, the debris
the grass gets greener
the ocean bluer
the earth feels reborn
it sweeps away
the past, the memories
everything is new again
no trace of yesterday

i love the rain
as it washes
the old away
like a new morn leaves
no room for the one
that has passed
it has always soothed me
as i eagerly wait
for the rainbow that
always follows, a sign
of fragile hope

the rain always
made me smile. . .

but not today

do not stand
too close to me
and think that
you can reach
out and touch me
do not breathe in
my suffocating air
do not look at me
as if i am different
do not think of me
as one of the good ones
do not make the
mistake of thinking
that i am here
to stay
i could leave
in a snap and
never look back

i could pretend
that i am so into you,
that you are special,
second to none
i could make you feel
loved, treasured, cherished
like i won't be able
to live if you left
like i would be shattered
at the thought of losing you
like i am capable
of bleeding, my heart breaking
my words will caress
you, feed you
i can create an illusion,
a world where you
are the center
make you believe
that everyting revolves
around you
then in an instant
wake you up and make you see
that really, you are just
one of so many

i am cruel
i am unfeeling
i could play you
i could confuse you
i am cold hearted
i am invincible
no one can touch me
nobody influences me
i can be alone
and i will be alright. . .

this is who i wish to be
then maybe, just maybe,
i won't suffer as much

what do you do
when people fail you?
when every single
promise has been broken
do you just lie
there drunken?
in a stupor, attempting
to rid your thoughts
of the stupidity
that had you believing,
trusting, every word
uttered, every line
written
when each door
you knock on remains
firmly closed
do you keep on rapping?
thinking someone on the
other side would someday
be eager to open one portal
a small crack
that might allow you
to breathe

who do you blame
when everything falls apart?
when nothing right comes
your way
do you point at your heart?
for being too weak,
too trusting
for feeling too much
for thinking too little
for giving a damn
for caring, for being too brittle
for bruising too easily
for wanting too eagerly
for failing to remember
that there is no such
thing as forever

i could only
blame me
i never listened
never looked at
the signs
never minded all
the warnings
i was too arrogant
or maybe just too

foolish, to think

that i could put my

faith into someone

too fickle, too undefined

it' s true what they say. . .

play with fire and yeah

you will get burned

deep dark sea
would you come for me
take me away
from all my misery
engulf me
in your mystery
would you let me play
just within your
lovely shores
let the waves
catch me, roll over me
wash some of my pain away
would you allow me
to be a small child
and build my castles
right within your borders
surround them with forts
higher than me
i know you'll come
and shatter them again
no matter how sturdy
the walls i put up
in one swift motion
you'll wipe them all out,
let me start over
create another haven
that you'll flatten
as soon as i look away

would you spare me
a glance at your sunset
so that i could watch
the vibrant colors
as you swallow the light
and usher the darkness
so that i would always remember
that you are greater
than me and my endless dreaming,
even mister sun
is no match for you

deep dark sea
would you come for me
cover me with your
tranquility
remind me that
you are vast
and i am tiny
never let me forget
that you are not
my friend
if i blink you would
let your tides rip me
you are not an ally
you are my enemy

just a fool to believe i have anything she needs. . .


she's like the wind. . .
blowing me in
all directions
scattering my dust
leaving me in awe
of her deceptions
in the onset she
is like the
gentlest breeze
stirring my senses
captivating me
letting me think
i could hold her
in my arms
i close my eyes
and hear her whisper
i feel her brush my
shoulder, my cheek,
my lashes, flutter
i am mellow, she is
calming me

then all of a sudden
her mood shifted
the soft melodic breeze
has turned into
such vengeful gust
i have to hold on
for dear life
or i'll get blown
into her cyclone
or taken away
like a dried leaf
floating into the
unknown
only to fall
with a soundless thud
as she drifts away
in search of another
scene where she can
unleash her quiet chaos
another person to unhinge


boundless
her strength limitless
i watch her move. . .

i'll stay right here
i'll try to grow my roots
so when, if, she blows my way again
i'm ready, she won't own me

wish i could float away. . . in to some other day. . .

i have been staring at the computer screen for, i guess 4 days now. i can't seem to find words to help create something meaningful, inspiring (hahahahahaha), witty, the right words to string together that i may be able to summarize 29 years of existence. . . it took me 4 long days, all i could come up with is . . .

disappointing. . .

all those years there was one constant in my life. i have tried avoiding it, have coached myself into not expecting too much, not wishing too hard, not trusting too fast. i have failed in all respects. you see, i used to think that people are basically good, that stripped down to the bare essentials i'll find everyone's heart is pure. i would blame circumstances, i would point at the unfairness of life, but i never blamed anyone, no one is capable of pure hatred, or pure wrath, or cruelty, yeah, and pigs fly.

i have this unfortunate habit of thinking that i could wish for the impossible and it would, in time come true. i am admittedly a dreamer, an optimist who would think that everything i planned would fall in place if i just worked at it and waited. and how i waited, for my time, my moment to arrive. i am still waiting, optimism is a hard habit to break, i would be able to kick smoking faster than i would be able to quit hoping, i am sure of that now.

i keep expecting. i see more into little things than what is really meant to be seen. if you give me a sliver, i'll think you are willing to give me everything. if you dangle a tiny bait in front of me i'd go for it hook, line and sinker. tell me i look okay and i'd think i'm a queen, say that you'll try and i'll expect you to come through for me, pretend that you like me and i'll mistake it for love.

i am not an idiot, although i am definitely stupid sometimes. it took me 29 years to realize that not just because someone lets me see a glimpse of them, they are automatically mine. it took me 348 months to understand that not everyone has your best intentions in mind. it took me 1,508 weeks to figure out that if you open yourself up, life swallows you whole. it has taken me more than 10,585 days to finally believe that yes, everyone does lie.

sometimes i wish i could leave, disappear for a while. . .

jennifer love hewitt said it best. when everything is going the other direction, when you can't seem to get a break going your way, you might begin to wish that somehow you could skip a day, a week, a month, or maybe an entire year. life has a way of magnifying every single disappointment, every let down, you sit in a little corner and you suddenly see your life chronicled infront of you. funny how the bit of good times you had flashes all too quickly, and every heartbreak passes like they were cutting through thick mollasses, painfully slow, ever so lingering.

i wanna rest a bit, escape, run away. but not today, next year, maybe?

i can't even
look at you now
when i do i break
into a million
tiny little pieces
of insecurity,
of doubt, self loathing
guilt, i question my worth
i am not confident
in the first place,
i sink deeper in
your looming presence
you are too good
for me
i am a nobody
as ordinary as
anyone else
it's like reaching
for the moon
in the light of day
beyond impossible

and i know that
it's not done on purpose
it's just you,
you are so overwhelming
a delicate rose
would seem imperfect,
the sunset
loses its colors
the sea
loses its splendor
every masterpiece
becomes mere doodlings
a ballad, mere ramblings
when compared to you

and it's not your fault
you are totally unaware
how you have made
me feel so little
so incompetent
a mortal full of flaws
unworthy
every small smile
every slight glance
given my way
are like droplets
of cold water,
or morsels of
a scrumptious meal
to a famished, scorched being

and i know that
i should stay
as far away as
my feet could carry me
so that i won't be
swallowed by your
dazzling brilliance. . .

that i may try and begin
to shine my dull light

how do you want
to be remembered?
when everything's
said and done
would you want
people to think
you were brilliant
that your brain is
equivalent to that
of five people
that you found
a cure for cancer
or that you ended
world hunger?

or would you
like to be thought of
as an artist?
a deep thinker
you are comparable
to michaelangelo
or mozart, or maybe shakespeare

would you rather
people think
you were beautiful
that you inspired
poetry and prose
people looked at you
and they start to
hum, or write, or draw
people swoon or drool
or stare in awe
at the perfection
that you are

or would you like
them to cherish
your kind heart?
that you were loyal
and faithful
and ever present?
that you never said no
you never let go
never harmed a soul
smiled at everyone
made so many friends
you can't remember 'em all

would it be better
if you were remembered
as someone who loved
too much, too hard
selfless to a fault
you were always last
on your own list
you'd rather get hurt
than inflict pain
just a tiny bit more
and you'd be one
of the saints. . .

how would you want
to be remembered?

me, i'd be glad if
anybody even noticed
that i left

i'm sorry. . .
for a while there
i forgot
that you and i
were done
over, we've had enough
we have moved on
to a somewhat better place
you have slipped away
and all i could
do was watch
the hello's are
somewhat shallow now
an automatic reply
to the never ending hi's
gone were the days
when we couldn't
even bring ourselves
to think of saying bye
now it's lucky if
we can even wave
and smile

it's not the same eh?
will it ever be the same?
do you really think
that we could ever
get past all the bitterness,
all the disappointments,
all the hopes that
were crushed
as we gently bid
farewell?

i am not supposed
to miss you anymore
i am not supposed
to want you even more
you are not mine
you never were
and as i lay
in silent slumber
i know, you never
will be mine

disappointment
has its way
of creeping up to me
when i least
expect it to
just when i thought
everything is sunny
fine and dandy
it surprises me
with gray clouds
and devastating winds
destroying everything
in its path
leaving nothing
but havoc in its wake
one minute i am alright
i can breathe
i could even smile
it wipes the grin
and leaves me
with a smirk
a bruise, a mark
that makes me
shudder, wince
in agony

i'm an eternal hopeful
i see the best
in people's eyes
never minding that
i would get shattered
that way

i should've counted on it,
for fate to shove
me into yet another
let down
it always has
it never fails
to drown me in
such sweet misery
i am tired
of constantly
believing that
something better
will eventually come my way
that a lovely soul
would come and
wrap me in her
warm embrace

i should open
my lidded eyes
i should, for once
start to realize
that maybe, if i never
hope, never trust
then i won't have
to ever feel resentment
that i would never
feel the urge
to break down

yeah, right
i should just stay
here in the shadows
and maybe if i'm lucky
the bleeding would stop
in time to still save me

black, as the raven
long, luscious tresses
i wish i could
run my fingers
through them, feel each strand
smooth, delicate,
if i could just
plant a kiss
just below your
lovely neck
skin like satin
glowing, refined
i long to trace
every curve,
every line
the gentle sway
of those hips
has me mesmerized
your scent fills my head
makes me think
of spring, of a lazy
afternoon spent
daydreaming

every nuance,
when you bite
your lower lip,
when you play
with your hair,
your girlish
chuckle
your soft voice
the sweet innocence
that you epitomize

i could stare
at you all day
and not get bored
i could memorize
your face, your moves
your enticing smile
i could. . .

but i wouldn't
i shouldn't
i mustn't. . .