should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere?

sweaty palms. heart beating like crazy. can hardly breathe. can't eat. can't sleep. can't think. it's like you had an overdose of the happy pill. can't stop smiling. you daydream all day. life has meaning again. everything is colorful once more. you sing to yourself. or whistle an off beat tune. you are floating. soaring. you are invincible. . .

ahhhhh. . . to be in love again. such a wonderful feeling. everything is great. nothing can ruin your mood. you can take on the world and think that you'd win. it is so easy, too easy. that's why everyone wants to fall in love. the idea of love is too splendid to pass up. and when it is right, everything falls into place. no more worries, atleast for the first few months, just pure unadulterated joy.

rewind.

this is what happens if you fall in love and they end up loving you back

but what if, you fall alone? is it still as wonderful?

for the first part, i guess so. what i described on the first paragraph applies to you too. the awe, the majesty. until you realize that you are on your own. happiness is multiplied when shared, if you don't have anyone to share it with it diminishes. of course people will crucify me and argue that, what the heck, you can still find fulfillment by your lonesome. i couldn't agree more. you can. i never said you couldn't. but falling in love with no one to love you back. . . that's what makes you lonely.

still there are those who started falling together and in the middle of everything one stopped and the other travelled love's path on her own. still blinded by the first rays of dawn's promise they failed to notice that somewhere along the way their mate made a stopover and refused to walk again.

so what am i driving at?

if you are at a crossroad, between staying and moving on, ask the question, 'am i in this alone?' am i loving as hard as i can while she is busy doing something else? am i giving it my all while she is saving all she has for god knows who? again, i don't mean to imply that you should force your partner to give as much as you do. they don't have to, but, knowing that they atleast exert effort is more than enough. do you see any future should you stay, or would it be better to just switch paths and start over?

without love, it is lonely. and so we crave it. we search everywhere for it. others lie in wait, some take action but always, we always wish we could have it.

i wish i could have it. . .

but i also know that wishing and hoping is worlds different from actually having it. i could remain my hard headed self and force the issue. maybe she'll see it my way. maybe one day she'll wake up and find out she has learned to love me back. . .

stupid. i know. i never believed love can be learned. it should spring from you. you have to know it right then and there. it's either you feel it or you don't. if you don't you never will. . .

so, should i go then? i know what the answer is. i just don't think i can do it.

not today.

to pink on her 26th birthday

i envy your tears
as they course down
your silken cheeks
tracing the intricate
path i long to touch,
as each salty drop
reaches your full lips
the tip of your tongue
darts out to catch
a stray one, and i
hold my breath

the rain maddens me
as it sprays tiny driblets
that hit your
upturned face
flowing steadily
water mixes with each
crystal bead,
it covers your weeping
to an onlooker it
will seem as though
you are worshipping the mist
taking pleasure
as it wipes away
your worries
cleanses you
it could inundate
half the earth
but it still won't
wash away your pain

the wind whips your
dress around and
it frustrates me
it hugs you in a
way i've always dreamed
i could, invisible
yet as tight as
any arms would ever do
such dainty figure
amid the raging storm
it looks as though
they could break you
unhinge you, fracture you

i am jealous of
what makes you ache
you hold it closer
than i could ever reach
you keep it deeper
than i could ever fathom
i can only look on, a quiet
spectator, as you bleed
i am brimming in anger
as i can only watch you shatter

my feet have broke free, and i am leaving i'm not gonna stand here feeling lonely but, i won't regret this and i won't think this was just a waste of time. . .

i am real sorry.

i said i would not fall for you, atleast not yet. i said i would stay away from you, as far away as my feet could carry me. i also vowed to not let you in, under my skin. i failed on all respects.

could you blame me?

i wanted to be cool, act as if you don't have a hold on me. if i see you, then great, if i don't oh well, too bad. but one word from you and i always come running. wherever i am, be it a cab ride away or 4 hours cooped up in a bus, i always, always find a way to be there should you need me. i infuriate you at times, i make you so darn irritated that you can't help but reprimand me. i apologize if sometimes i go over the top. you are important to me, and i don't ever want you to think otherwise.

for your part, you tried to be as careful as you can. with the words you say, how you say them, when you say them. but even the most innocent touch, or smile, i still find meaning in them. again, it is not your fault, i only have me to blame. it was not your intention to lead me on, you never led, i marched forward all on my own. you never encouraged me, you did not have to, i was in love, every little thing you did was not viewed as regular, since you were too special to me i had this stupid notion that i am too, sadly i am not. i always knew that, but you know me, i am the most hopeless of all romantics.

there was no miscommunication, you were crystal clear from the get go. you wanted a friend, i figured you needed more, and god have i ever been more way off? i should've listened to you when you said maybe. i should have felt the rejection everytime you faced the other way, i should've tasted the bitter end, everytime i kissed you goodbye. but i was oblivious. you were all i saw, tasted, felt, heard, smelled. it was as if i was addicted. you were my addiction.

i said i cannot settle. i have to be number one. i have to be the only one. and boy i tried so damn hard not to fall for someone who can never catch me with both hands, yours were full. so i refused to jump. . . i really tried.

and then you smiled. . . (hahahahaha) you might never believe it but it was what got me hooked. and yeah your scent. did i ever tell you how beautiful you are? i did? just don't ask me why. it would take me years to explain, and even then i can only attempt. i wish i could've been the one to wipe the sadness from your eyes. . . oh well.

and so, as the story goes, i jumped. and you weren't there. i predicted that your rejection would be the one that would sting the most, and yeah it did, it does.

it would be a very long and lonely trek up. back where i was before i foolishly ignored all warnings and let myself go. before i had this foolish idea that i could fly, or if i can't someone would rescue me. i have to start walking soon. . .

in a little while, i might. . .

be careful what you wish for. . .
'cause you just might get it

when was a kid, i mostly wished for stupid stuff. i wish my mom would bring home chocolates. my dad would suddenly feel the urge to get me toys. my asthmatic sister would finally be able to tolerate dogs. my kid sister would stop bugging me. aunts and uncles would stop pinching me (i know i was a cute kid but hey, it stings hahahaha). i could see santa claus or atleast a raindeer but it has to be rudolph. every birthday, i close my eyes and silently utter my wish for that moment. usually they come true (my mom bought most of them). but i didn't know that then and so i had always been a firm believer of its powers

growing up, the wishes had been less and less. when i started school i mostly just wanted high grades. just enough friends, i did not want to be in the popular,circle, i was fine in the "normal" group. not too many assignments. and yeah the occasional wish for storms, so that class could be suspended (hehehehe). sometimes they come true, more often than not they didn't but i still believed that someone was probably listening to me and was trying to give me atleast part of what i asked for.

now i rarely even bother to wish.

did i turn cynic over the years?

nah. i think i just grew up. and learned that it is better to stop wishing and just work to get what i wanted. to not put my dreams in fate's hands and just do it my way. there are things that even i do not have a say in but for those that i can control, i do not need to wish. for fear of hoping and having it crushed.

if i fail on my own i only have me to blame. i stopped trusting luck, or destiny and all that crap. i do everything i can, put in all the effort i could manage and if i still don't get what i wanted it's probably not for me. i do not wanna wish anymore. i cannot start wishing again. . .

i wish i can, not wish for you.

i am slowly starting to. . .

should i give up, or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere?


when do you know it's time to call it quits?

is it something you see?

every tiny change, the shrug you cannot interpret. the way she squirms when you ask her why she came home late. is it when you notice that she cannot look you in the eye anymore? could it be when you rarely see her anymore,work, family, friends are all taking much of her time? or do you wait till you never see her at all?

is it something you hear?

her heartbeat is no longer as fast as it was whenever she sees you. the sound of irritation when you ask too many questions. is it the angry words, the deafening voices sputtering curses or is it when all there is left is silence? when you rarely hear her say i love you, i miss you, i am so sorry or do you wait till there are no more words?

is it something you can smell?

an unfamiliar scent when you wrap your arms around her. her fear. the rank odor of betrayal. your fear.

can you taste it?

the bitterness in her lies. her kiss, a flavor you'v e never used. her frustration. the tears freely runing down your cheeks, their saltiness. your frustration.

or do you just feel it?

the coldness of her lips. the embers of passion losing its fire. each missed caress. the absence of her warmth when she lies next to you. do you have to wait till you get numb?

so when do you say it's over then?

my rule? when the pain outweighs the fun. when i cry more than she makes me smile. when i have grown up and she hasn't. when i question why i still stay. when i have forgotten how to care.
when all i can think about is walking away, cutting the ties that bind us.

just before i begin to hate her. . .

i am sorry pink.

i have been trying to write something, anything, that might dazzle you.
make you smile. make you feel better. make it less awkward. and finally even get just the slightest reaction from you. i don't even remember how many drafts i made. all of them were not good enough. i can't seem to think when your face keeps popping in my head every five minutes. yeah i am distracted. you distract me without even trying.

do not ask me why, i don't even have a clue.

all that i really know right now. . .

is that i miss you calling me blue

if we met
on a different time
a different place
a not so complicated setting
would you have
went on and fallen for me?

had you been free
had there been no distractions
had the story
started when you were
still just on your own
would you have thought about it?

if you knew i was coming
would you have waited for me?
or is all of these just
me thinking wishfully?

i could go ahead
and walk the other way
if you ask me to stop
i could pretend to not care
and so right now
what i really wanna know
is that, would you come to me
once you have learned to let her go?

I’m caught between goodbye and I love you,
never knowing quite where I stand. . .

i was with some of my friends in a bookstore once, we were looking at book titles and stuff. we were laughing at some of the topics until one book caught my eye. i don't even remember what it was called, what drew me to it though was the way the author classified the types of people and how they fall in love. i was under the heading "forbidden apple"

it was explained that my type won't go for a person unless they were either taken or really really out of my league. quite accurate that it sent me goosebumps. the harder the situation is, the more i get drawn to it. like i said in my previous posts, i am a sucker for lost causes. not that i enjoy the chase, the challenge, it's more of my being hard headed and yeah, my being defiant. i love that word. a non conformist, a trailblazer, i wanna prove people wrong when they tell me it can't be done. my track record would reveal that it's people 3 and reg 0. i have never won, but that has never stopped me before. . .

then why is it making me rethink my stand now?

ok, i'll give you a brief introduction to my current dilemma. it's about a girl, well it always is. i can't say her name, although i am 99.99% sure she won't read this, she has other blogs to check, mine is not included in her list. for now, we'll call her pink.

i like pink. she's beautiful, and sweet, and warm, and tough, and sensitive, and she smells so good i wish it was all i am allowed to breathe in. she excites me. she questions my opinions. she infuriates me. she makes me adore her one minute and then makes me wanna strangle her the next moment. oh, and, yeah, she has a girlfriend.

again.

of all the people i meet everyday, i just went in and picked the one i probably won't ever have. there is no way in hell she'll just wake up one morning and suddenly realize that she's better off with me. there is no point in thinking she just might go ahead and decide to stop loving her girlfriend. because i know, everybody knows, that they go way back. they were good friends for a long time before they fell in love and decided to be together.

yep. odds are stacked up against me, as always.

i used to like things this way. it makes me try harder. it makes my blood run wild. it makes my heart beat faster. it makes me feel alive. i have never backed down from an epic battle such as this one. . .

but now i am the one who's afraid.

i used to not care what the ending would be. as long as i fought the good fight, even if it turns out a disaster i'm ok with it. the struggle, how i dealt with it, how i tried to weather the storm, how i reacted had always been the most important thing. the casualties (i am usually the biggest one), have always been just that, casualties. it never bothered me before, if i won or lost , as long as i did what i had to do. the end justifies the means right? how i got there was never the question, what i got out of it is what is usually the best part.

i am shaking in my boots right now.

i have never been afraid of falling in love, i usually embrace it. damn the consequences. as long as i have shown whomever it is that i love at that point what i felt for them, i have already won. i am as afraid of rejection as any other person but i have always been more afraid of not knowing what could've happened if i had only put myself out there.

but right now i am so terrified that i can't even look you in the eye for fear you would see what you cannot know.

i am scared of you. out of everyone i had ever fallen for, you are the only one who has the potential to break me. so much that i would probably be unrecognizable for a time. your rejection would probably be the one that would sting the hardest. you turning away from me would probably be the memory that would haunt me the most. . .

and so right now, the person who never backed away from anything that had been deemed impossible is slowly walking away. the person whose hand had been slapped countless times and never minded is pulling her hand back. the one who swore to explore all options, any possible work around is choosing to just keep all doors locked.

i am choosing not to say anything.

i am choosing not to complicate your life any further.

i am choosing to just stay where i am. . . if you come to me i might change my mind. . .

but until then. . . we'll talk then.

smile for me,
one last time
i wanna see the twinkle
in your lovely eyes
that turn to just tiny slits
everytime you beam

let me hear that
familiar laugh
like a kid
not a care in the world
free, unrestrained

hold my hand again
will you?
you don't have to twine
your fingers with mine
i just wanna feel you
touch me again

can i wrap my arms
around your fragile shoulders?
fill my head with your
warm, overpowering scent
before i have to let go
of you for good. . .

yes. . .
betrayal is indeed a bitch