should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere?

sweaty palms. heart beating like crazy. can hardly breathe. can't eat. can't sleep. can't think. it's like you had an overdose of the happy pill. can't stop smiling. you daydream all day. life has meaning again. everything is colorful once more. you sing to yourself. or whistle an off beat tune. you are floating. soaring. you are invincible. . .

ahhhhh. . . to be in love again. such a wonderful feeling. everything is great. nothing can ruin your mood. you can take on the world and think that you'd win. it is so easy, too easy. that's why everyone wants to fall in love. the idea of love is too splendid to pass up. and when it is right, everything falls into place. no more worries, atleast for the first few months, just pure unadulterated joy.

rewind.

this is what happens if you fall in love and they end up loving you back

but what if, you fall alone? is it still as wonderful?

for the first part, i guess so. what i described on the first paragraph applies to you too. the awe, the majesty. until you realize that you are on your own. happiness is multiplied when shared, if you don't have anyone to share it with it diminishes. of course people will crucify me and argue that, what the heck, you can still find fulfillment by your lonesome. i couldn't agree more. you can. i never said you couldn't. but falling in love with no one to love you back. . . that's what makes you lonely.

still there are those who started falling together and in the middle of everything one stopped and the other travelled love's path on her own. still blinded by the first rays of dawn's promise they failed to notice that somewhere along the way their mate made a stopover and refused to walk again.

so what am i driving at?

if you are at a crossroad, between staying and moving on, ask the question, 'am i in this alone?' am i loving as hard as i can while she is busy doing something else? am i giving it my all while she is saving all she has for god knows who? again, i don't mean to imply that you should force your partner to give as much as you do. they don't have to, but, knowing that they atleast exert effort is more than enough. do you see any future should you stay, or would it be better to just switch paths and start over?

without love, it is lonely. and so we crave it. we search everywhere for it. others lie in wait, some take action but always, we always wish we could have it.

i wish i could have it. . .

but i also know that wishing and hoping is worlds different from actually having it. i could remain my hard headed self and force the issue. maybe she'll see it my way. maybe one day she'll wake up and find out she has learned to love me back. . .

stupid. i know. i never believed love can be learned. it should spring from you. you have to know it right then and there. it's either you feel it or you don't. if you don't you never will. . .

so, should i go then? i know what the answer is. i just don't think i can do it.

not today.