wish i could float away. . . in to some other day. . .

i have been staring at the computer screen for, i guess 4 days now. i can't seem to find words to help create something meaningful, inspiring (hahahahahaha), witty, the right words to string together that i may be able to summarize 29 years of existence. . . it took me 4 long days, all i could come up with is . . .

disappointing. . .

all those years there was one constant in my life. i have tried avoiding it, have coached myself into not expecting too much, not wishing too hard, not trusting too fast. i have failed in all respects. you see, i used to think that people are basically good, that stripped down to the bare essentials i'll find everyone's heart is pure. i would blame circumstances, i would point at the unfairness of life, but i never blamed anyone, no one is capable of pure hatred, or pure wrath, or cruelty, yeah, and pigs fly.

i have this unfortunate habit of thinking that i could wish for the impossible and it would, in time come true. i am admittedly a dreamer, an optimist who would think that everything i planned would fall in place if i just worked at it and waited. and how i waited, for my time, my moment to arrive. i am still waiting, optimism is a hard habit to break, i would be able to kick smoking faster than i would be able to quit hoping, i am sure of that now.

i keep expecting. i see more into little things than what is really meant to be seen. if you give me a sliver, i'll think you are willing to give me everything. if you dangle a tiny bait in front of me i'd go for it hook, line and sinker. tell me i look okay and i'd think i'm a queen, say that you'll try and i'll expect you to come through for me, pretend that you like me and i'll mistake it for love.

i am not an idiot, although i am definitely stupid sometimes. it took me 29 years to realize that not just because someone lets me see a glimpse of them, they are automatically mine. it took me 348 months to understand that not everyone has your best intentions in mind. it took me 1,508 weeks to figure out that if you open yourself up, life swallows you whole. it has taken me more than 10,585 days to finally believe that yes, everyone does lie.

sometimes i wish i could leave, disappear for a while. . .

jennifer love hewitt said it best. when everything is going the other direction, when you can't seem to get a break going your way, you might begin to wish that somehow you could skip a day, a week, a month, or maybe an entire year. life has a way of magnifying every single disappointment, every let down, you sit in a little corner and you suddenly see your life chronicled infront of you. funny how the bit of good times you had flashes all too quickly, and every heartbreak passes like they were cutting through thick mollasses, painfully slow, ever so lingering.

i wanna rest a bit, escape, run away. but not today, next year, maybe?