had i known
i won't see you again
i would've held you
a little tighter
i would've tried
to memorize your face
locked into memory
your haunting scent
i would've tried
to drown in your taste
have my fill
so i won't forget

had i known
that tomorrow
when i wake, you
would no longer be there
i wouldn't have slept
i would've sat at your feet
and slowly wept
i would've watched
you as you rested
counted the sighs,
how many smiles
you made as you dreamt

you never said goodbye,
i didn't even have
the chance to ask you why
or maybe how,
you could just walk away
so fast, without a trace
i just felt a sudden chill
as you loosened your embrace

you are gone now,
never to be heard from,
ever again

cat got your tongue?
you have been awfully quiet,
absolutely still
like moving would
rock your all too
perfect world and
blow it into smithereens
if you tilt
a little to the left
you think you'd fall over?
you won't, you know?
just breathe in,
exhale softly
stay composed, calm

heart pounding,
ringing in your ears
did i catch you off guard?
you didn't think
i would say it?
didn't know i could
finally do it?
yeah, me too
i thought i'd just
hold it in, leave
everything untouched
i was ready to just
stay silent, stay hidden

i just said
i adore you,
am slowly falling,
can't keep from reeling
called your bluff
a little too soon
i might add
did i shock you?
that's the plan

now what?
i really don't know
but i'm loving the
confusion in your eyes
you don't know what'll happen next?
me neither. . .
now we're even,
isn't that great?
(hehehehe)

will "we" happen,
or am i again
just wasting precious time?
am i placing my bet
on the wrong thing again,
shall i wager
and ultimately lose again?
i am so tired
of putting everything on the line
for something so fragile,
for someone so indefinite,
are you certain now?
are you even ever sure?

i can rant all i want
i can say i am too used up
i could even tell you
i wanna quit,
i wanna walk away from you,
just cut my loses, and go
i can say all that
but you and i know. . .

i am a gambler,
i am addicted, more
to the risk than to winning
however high the odds
are stacked up against me
i'd bet on you,
i will always do

We were never meant to be lovers,
We just mirrored each others self-destructiveness. . .

when i look at you
i see myself. . .
we share a need
to feed each others greed
i look meek
but we both know
that behind all
the quiet and sometimes
blind acceptance
i am as bad as you are
as cruel, as capable of lies
as self indulgent
i am better at pretense
i am much worse
because i hide behind
a sweet, innocent facade
everyone thinks
that i am much deeper,
i have more to offer
but we both know
inside i'm an empty shell
i can be as unfeeling
as a heart
frozen, buried in ice

i am nothing
not extraordinary,
not charmed
i am cursed,
destined to mimic,
unoriginal, unspecial

i know you see that,
run fast, i'll just break you. . .
and i might even do it intentionally

will you take
a walk with me?
try to see the
view through my
heavy lidded eyes
look at the ocean,
you see vastness,
greatness, strength
i see emptiness,
chaos, uncertainty,
will the tides lift me
or will they crash down
on me, drown me, carry
me into nothingness?
look up, do you see the moon?
you say you admire it
its mystery awes you
i say it saddens me
a solitary figure
amid an endless sky
you envy the moon
i symphatize with her
you held my hand tighter
it's getting darker
it terrifies you
i welcome the shadows
as if they are
my good friends
they allow me to hide
behind their cloak
they embrace me,
keep me safe, tucked
in the hollow of
their bossom, i can rest

take a walk with me
that you may begin
to understand how i think
see what i see,
feel what i feel,
dig deeper,
look closer
it scares me. . .

but i have to know,
if you knew who i am,
all of me,
will you still say you love me?

tangled sheets,
a sea of wrinkled
clothing, discarded
was i in too much hurry?
did i fail to very
slowly savor your
smooth, smooth skin?
i remember how i framed
your lips with my own
carefully, methodically,
enjoying every angle,
every crevice of your
all too sweet mouth
your silken hair
falls on your face
i felt you sigh
it made my knees weak
are you trembling?
it's okay dear,
i've got you
you can let go
i'll catch you
then we'll rise again

we are inexplicably
intertwined, i blend
with you, you move
in the rythym i thought
i'd forgotten
open your eyes, love
you wouldn't want to miss this
ride the waves with me
we'll crash together
in one splendid burst. . .

you are smiling,
did i do that?
your chest heaves
as the amber tip
of the cigarette we lit
flickers, surrounding you
in a glowing halo
you look like an angel
whose wing just got
a little scorched
as she flew too close to sin

you said, let's take it slow
i said, baby, don't go
i caught your arm
held it against me
i don't wanna let go of your warmth
you struggled to pull
away from me
and walked very slowly
as if waiting for me
to stop you from fleeing
to clearly call out
your name, form the words
in my mouth, they are trembling
with tears left unshed
i wanna run to you
talk some sense into you
debate with you
haggle if i must
plead my case
please just stay
i don't want you to walk away

but you don't hear me
do you?
you can't see me
and my heart rupturing
i am bleeding
but i still smile
i have to smile
so it will be easier
for you to get on
with the path you have chosen
one that no longer includes me

we have been through this
over and over
we break and mend each
others mangled pieces
but not this time

this time it's goodbye right?
this time it's for good,
whatever the hell that means
it's over. . .
and all i can do
is very quietly shatter

sometimes i still ache,
days like these i can't make
myself look the other way
keep the the cruel memories at bay
they are unrelenting
each one unforgiving
i thought i had them buried
inside a chest closed
so tightly, that even air cannot escape
but by some magic,
(or is it curse?)
they have managed
to very slowly free themselves
of the chains i had
wrapped around them
they still haunt me
mock me mercilessly
till all i hear
are echoes of them
bouncing off the walls
of my empty, empty heart

when will it stop huh?
when i am too tired
to even breathe?
well guess what, i am
too spent, too drained
make it stop
please let them stop

there are so many things
i'd like to ask you,
too many details
i still don't know about you
when you raise your left brow
what does that mean?
when you squint
are you just relaxing your eyes
or are you debating
whether to hug me or slap me?
when i cause you to sigh
is it in relief
or do i exasperate you?
i dont mean to anger you
but there's just something
about making you mad
that kinda excites me
no i don't enjoy torturing you,
i just like it that i can get
a rise out of you
makes me feel as though
i could get under your skin

there's too much
i need to find out
too many smiles
i have yet to document
i haven't even begun
to scratch the surface
but i will,
in time i'll get to you
consider yourself warned

did you feel my absence?
did you detect my reticence?
did you sense that i have
been slowly , painfully
feeding the gap that has
increasingly widened between us?
it hasn't been easy,
every step back
feels like a deep gash
added to the multitude
of wounds i have accumulated
each time i look away
is another memory
erased, wiped away
never to be visited again
for fear of rehashing
broken dreams, shattered promises
i had such high hopes. . .

but they were just that,
hopes,
it had been nipped
even before it had blossomed
wings clipped
even before it could
take off, fly, soar,

did you even notice
that we failed miserably?
i doubt it,
i doubt you even cared

life is too short
to spend it dreaming,
hoping for something
you knew all the while
will never be yours
it is too fragile
to waste drunken
with endless what if's
and what could've been's
to focus on the past
and disregard the present
do not be too short sighted
to overlook the obvious,
it is but lovely
to bathe in the glow
of the simple things
than to chase the complicated,
than to run after
what's so out of reach
you'll grow too tired
to even enjoy
what has always been in front of you

i am known for being too careful,
for once i am tempted
to be reckless,
throw caution to the wind,
cease the moment
that it may linger
and not just pass by me,
i am so tired
of watching in the sidelines
quietly looking on
as i patiently await my turn,
for my name to finally be called,
it won't, not if i just stay right here

so i'm moving forward,
walking away from all
that have hindered me
leaving behind what i always
thought i needed, wanted
i have to. . .

life is too fleeting
to waste away wishing

i said you were
out of my league
i knew i was in
way over my head
you are a force
to be reckoned with
and i have the affinity
to be fascinated
with lost causes
i always want to reach
though i know that
you are so far beyond me
i can't stop the longing
to touch what's so untouchable
the yearning burns
and twists me
inside out

i have to make it stop. . .

or i will be consumed
torched down till
i am no longer recognizable
stretched as far as
i could possibly go
bent out of shape
the fight, taken out of me
i should stop this,
before the magnanimity of you
run me over the edge
sending me spinning down,
down, further down. . .

but how do you end
something that never
even really began?

in a few hours, i'll be
in paradise, maybe
in a place where
the sun always shines
where time flies
as fast as you want it to
you can lie in the sand
and bask in the warmth
let it wipe away
the frost in your heart
let the waves
allow you to sway
and ride every peak
the quiet, lulls you to sleep,
invites you to dream
lures you to wish. . .

if you had said yes to me
we both would be
lying on the beach
you'd take my hand maybe
we could walk,
or we could just
sit near the dunes
you could lean your head
on my shoulder,
and we'll watch as
the world pass us by
carefree, untouched, invincible

but you didn't

in a few hours i'll leave
but i don't think i'll find bliss
the sun would still shine
but instead of feeling warmth
it will scorch my skin
blistering, sweltering
the silence would not
be welcoming,
it would instead be deafening
the waves would carry me
into oblivion and not calm me
my one wish has left me
i won't even think
of dreaming once again

the bit of paradise
that i seek
is with you, my love
and since you won't have me,
the one thing i wanted
the most,
i am lost. .

i wish i could
close my eyes
so i won't see,
your pained expression,
the longing, the wanting
i never meant
to make you feel trapped
i thought if i gave you
all that i had,
everything i could possibly offer
i would be enough
but i'm not, am i?
you think i don't sense it?
your wandering look,
you shivered just now,
i don't blame you
we have indeed gone cold
no more burning flame,
that threatened to consume us
the sparks that flew
each time we touched
are mere ashes
doused, bit by bit
was it neglect?
did i forget at some point
to remind you how i loved you?
was it boredom?
have i grown dull, dear?
they say opposites attract,
but after the dust settles
is it possible that
they would also repel?
lose the enchantment,
the fascination, just die
a slow, soundless death?

i used to know
every sound you make,
every smile, every nuance
i don't recognize the one
you just threw my way,
was it meant for me?
i miss you, love,
i pine for you
even when you are here,
beside me, you are so distant

can we go home now?
so i can shake you,
shout at you,
make you bleed,
just to get even
a slight reaction,
you never left,
but i don't feel you here

yes, you hold my hand. . .
but do i still hold your heart?

close your eyes,
imagine me next to you
we did brush,
yeah, i felt you shiver
did you feel me tremble?
lean a bit more
so you could breathe me in
the scent you used to love,
does it still have
the same effect on you?
are you tempted?
do i make your skin crawl?
did i succeed in leaving
traces of me everywhere you turn to?
i whispered in your ear,
did you hear me lament
on how much i and
my lonely bed miss you?
how my arms feel all too cold
without you wrapped in them?
we used to be able
to make believe the world doesn't exist
i should've known
it would be easier for you
to pretend that i don't

our secret smiles,
my lips miss
your delicate fingertips
i feel a slight taste
of bile in my tongue,
the bitterness claims me,
makes me feel nauseous
i used to make you wild,
i was sin personified
do you regret everything
we ever did, ever said, ever thought about?

i walk past you
i am fervently wishing
you'd reach out
stop me from fleeing
one word from you
and i would've stopped
but i know you can't. . .

not when she's still holding your hand

if i close my eyes
i can almost feel
your skin brush mine
did you feel me shiver?
if i lean a little more
i would catch your
all too familiar scent
the one that made
me light headed
a mixture of temptation,
heat thrown with
a hint of danger
i can still smell you
in my sheets
my towel, my shirt
did you just whisper in my ear?
the sound brings
memories i long to forget
of me lying in your arms
safely, tucked away from the
rest of the world
waking up still enclosed
in your warmth
you missed me?
i'm trying not to miss you too. . .

your knowing smile,
those lips i have traced
with my fingertips
i can still taste
a bit of your sweetness
in my tongue
lingering, wrapping me in guilt
you were my one vice

you walk right past me
i almost reached out
to touch you
but i know i can't. . .

not when she's still holding my hand

the graceful way
you walk towards me,
measured strides
lithe, careful,
like a gazelle, on the prowl
mischief dancing in
your lovely eyes
you are thinking of
another clever way
to get back at me aren't ya?
the endless banters
your quiet confidence
each epic battle of wits

this is me, delirious (hahaha)

but seriously,
i do miss you
and your infectious grin
your quirkiness,
ok, fine, they say you are cute,
(although i wouldn't call you that)
and yeah, charming too
albeit, very, very, subtle (hahaha)
in a somewhat strange way
i look forward to your hi's
you have grown on me,
(kinda like a weed, who never quit)
but without a word from you,
my day just ain't complete

(naks, hahahahaha, just tell me if you hate this ok? i won't remove it, i'll just make the font bigger)

to anya

you'll be a heartbreaker. . .

soft eyes shining
with pure innocence
mirroring my awe,
so filled with wonder
looking at the world
as if ready to explore,
ready to take on
anything and everything,
still fearless, defiant

such tiny fingers,
but you have me
wrapped up in them
you grip my hand
like you grip my heart

so small, so fragile
yet everyone takes notice
even with the slightest stir,
the tiniest of movements
a little tyrant,
you have us all,
at your beck and call

i wanna tell you
i won't let anyone harm you,
i wanna say we'll all take care of you,
but you are out
to take the world
and watch it fall
flat on your feet. . .

go break hearts little darling,
we'll watch

tell me your secrets
i'll keep them
as if they were mine
hide them from
judging, prying eyes
bury them in my skin
seal my lips,
bare your soul
say them all
your deepest fears,
each unshed tear
the loneliness that creeps
and makes you silently weep
everything that makes
you ache
show me, that i may take
all of them in
tell me of your sins
don't leave anything out
wipe the taste
of bitterness from your mouth

i love you,
i love everything about you that hurts

one of these days,
i'll hear your voice
and i won't flinch
i'll see something
that would remind me of you
and i'll just smile
a little wistfully,
i'll think of you
and i won't wince
now, i might feel
a slight ache
i might fight hard
to keep the tears
from freely flowing,
it won't be easy
to keep pain from showing
but one of these days
i promise you
i could. . .

i won't cower
at the sight of you
when we cross paths
i will look straight at you
when i speak your name
i won't falter

one very ordinary day
i will wake up and
i will find out i have moved on
my heart will no longer beat
in tune with yours

i shouldn't get used to this
to you being there,
you, kinda showing you care
the illusion that maybe
i'm as important as you are making me
feel, hear, see
i know i'm not,
so don't let me think that i could be
more than what i am
to you right now
i might believe it
and when i'm hooked
you'll just disappear again
move on to another
more appealing, more interesting prey
someone who knows
the brand of game
you so effortlessly play
someone who knows how to stop
when you say it's over
and walk away, with no second glance

do not let me
get used to this
do be kind and start
running the other way, please

i wish i knew you then,
when i was still young
and a little too ignorant
when i still looked at the world
with rose colored glasses
and i still believed
in happy endings,
happily ever after
i knew no surrender
when giving up was never my option
when i was willing to bleed
for a chance to keep holding on
when every bruise, i treated as badge
when i never kept any grudge
when every word whispered
i took as truth
i was too innocent. . .

i would've gone ahead and loved you then

but i know better now,
i think
i am much wiser now,
i hope
i know when to quit,
when to back down,
when not to believe,
yeah right

then why am i still struggling
to not lose myself in you?

my head. . .
don't,
she'll just break you
she'll squeeze you
and she won't stop
until she has your final drop
she will bend you
pull you left
then push you right
lift you high
then she'll let go of you
and watch you bleed
stare at you as you very gingerly
try to get up
and when you do
she'll walk all over you again
and she'll do all these
so innocently, so candidly
that you won't even think
she's to blame, she's at fault
she's out of your league,
just let it go. . .

my heart. . .
she can't break you,
you can take it
just hang in there
she is worth it
it might not be as easy
as you would've liked
but wouldn't it be sweeter
if you had to go through all the struggle?
you don't have to bend you know,
you can just sway, just go with the flow
see where it leads you,
be adventurous, don't be too cautious
life is fleeting
better grab what you could
and hope it's enough
she might be the one. . .

what to do?

i don't know.
i'm as conflicted as
i have ever been
the battle continues
i think i'll just watch,
but i'm rooting for my heart

another dead end,
another no in the offing
i am bracing myself
for yet another disappointment,
another heartbreak
i am about to take
another plunge, not into the unknown,
i know exactly how it will end
a leap to nothingness,
i know there won't be
any arms outstretched
to receive me,
no warm body that
might cushion my fall,
no reassuring voice
urging me to continue
moving towards her
no light at the end
of the proverbial tunnel
just, a blank wall
a huge impenetrable barrier
blocking me from ever
reaching you

then why jump in?

it's not like i can stop,
it's not like i have control
i am resigned to the fact
that it is indeed inevitable
all i can do is prepare
for the downfall,
my downfall. . .

and hope i'll still survive,
not unscathed, probably broken
but my resilience is phenomenal. . .
i'll see you at the edge, love
wait for me

it is but bittersweet
that all we get now
are moments stringed
together like garlands
of unscented flowers,
petals slowly dropping
one by one,
i try to catch
and hold them in the
palm of my bruised hand
hoping the soft,
innocent blades will
somehow soothe me
hoping that i could
keep each one firmly
tucked and planted
on my consciousness
wishing that i could,
if not stop,
atleast, slow down
their wilting

i am trying,
but everyday they
keep on falling
i count what's left
and i don't see much

soon there'll be nothing left
of the perfect little
blooms that have marked
your coming and eventually leaving
soon i'll lose
everything that i have ever had
of you. . .

if i could stop time,
from carefully erasing your memory
i would. . .
but i don't think i should

sometimes i forget
where i'm supposed
to be standing at
a few paces away
just enough to be
able to look and not touch
just to catch
a whiff of you
it's not quite enough
but i have to take
all that i can
all i'm allowed to

you are right
in front of me
but if i try to
move even an inch
in an attempt to
maybe hold you
you'll vanish
i struggle everyday
to keep myself at bay,
to not rush to you,
to wait right where i am

and i know. . .
you will never bridge
the gap that
glaringly widens faster
with each passing minute

i will lose another one
won't i?
but like everytime,
all i can do is watch

could you please take my hand?
let our fingers intertwine
till i can't even tell
where mine ends and yours begin
could you please let me
rest my head on your shoulder?
smooth and delicate, yet it holds my world steady
would you please gently
whisper in my ears
say it will be alright
even if it's just
a lie said in desperation
i need to hear it,
i need to believe it
now is not the time for bluntness
i know my place
i just need to elude
myself a bit more
feed me more mirages
i know they are illusions
but tonight i want to
think that they could come true. . .

deceive me. . .
as hard as you can
please delude me
play with my urge
to hang on to every word
maybe then you'd begin
to believe the madness
i'm currently addicted to

in the stillness,
in the space between
sleeping and waking,
when shadows are starting
to be chased by
early morning light,
when the cold is
replaced by the crisp,
air of breaking dawn,
pitch black gives way
to orange, and pink
and every other hue
that signals a new day
in the place where
dreaming ends and
reality begins. . .

i love you here

time stops.
for a very short while,
i could pretend
that this won't end,
i could hope that
i may be able to remain
in this moment,
however chaste
however sudden the switching
of moods, from poignant
to forgotten,
i was alone with you
and you were almost mine. . .

i love what i cannot have

to mims

of roses thrown as confetti
and lace sewn on flowing dresses
candles lit, a sign of hope
flickering, erasing darkness
hands clasped, a strong fort
ready to do battle with
future's uncertainty
a quiet prayer uttered in unison
giving strength to the vows
exchanged with bowed heads

there will be tears
shed in silent wonder
in awe of the magnitude
one simple gathering could bring forth
there will be gentle smiles,
intimate glances passed between you two
laughter will fill everyone's heart
eyes misty, anticipating
long years spent together
hearts pounding, but one look
wipes any doubts
calms every fear
you are finally home

i hope this works for you
with all i have
i wish you forever,
something i never had (hahahaha)
and if. . .
when, the wind ever comes
to blow your light away
i'll try to be there
chase it till everything's great again
you have my word