I’m caught between goodbye and I love you,
never knowing quite where I stand. . .

i was with some of my friends in a bookstore once, we were looking at book titles and stuff. we were laughing at some of the topics until one book caught my eye. i don't even remember what it was called, what drew me to it though was the way the author classified the types of people and how they fall in love. i was under the heading "forbidden apple"

it was explained that my type won't go for a person unless they were either taken or really really out of my league. quite accurate that it sent me goosebumps. the harder the situation is, the more i get drawn to it. like i said in my previous posts, i am a sucker for lost causes. not that i enjoy the chase, the challenge, it's more of my being hard headed and yeah, my being defiant. i love that word. a non conformist, a trailblazer, i wanna prove people wrong when they tell me it can't be done. my track record would reveal that it's people 3 and reg 0. i have never won, but that has never stopped me before. . .

then why is it making me rethink my stand now?

ok, i'll give you a brief introduction to my current dilemma. it's about a girl, well it always is. i can't say her name, although i am 99.99% sure she won't read this, she has other blogs to check, mine is not included in her list. for now, we'll call her pink.

i like pink. she's beautiful, and sweet, and warm, and tough, and sensitive, and she smells so good i wish it was all i am allowed to breathe in. she excites me. she questions my opinions. she infuriates me. she makes me adore her one minute and then makes me wanna strangle her the next moment. oh, and, yeah, she has a girlfriend.

again.

of all the people i meet everyday, i just went in and picked the one i probably won't ever have. there is no way in hell she'll just wake up one morning and suddenly realize that she's better off with me. there is no point in thinking she just might go ahead and decide to stop loving her girlfriend. because i know, everybody knows, that they go way back. they were good friends for a long time before they fell in love and decided to be together.

yep. odds are stacked up against me, as always.

i used to like things this way. it makes me try harder. it makes my blood run wild. it makes my heart beat faster. it makes me feel alive. i have never backed down from an epic battle such as this one. . .

but now i am the one who's afraid.

i used to not care what the ending would be. as long as i fought the good fight, even if it turns out a disaster i'm ok with it. the struggle, how i dealt with it, how i tried to weather the storm, how i reacted had always been the most important thing. the casualties (i am usually the biggest one), have always been just that, casualties. it never bothered me before, if i won or lost , as long as i did what i had to do. the end justifies the means right? how i got there was never the question, what i got out of it is what is usually the best part.

i am shaking in my boots right now.

i have never been afraid of falling in love, i usually embrace it. damn the consequences. as long as i have shown whomever it is that i love at that point what i felt for them, i have already won. i am as afraid of rejection as any other person but i have always been more afraid of not knowing what could've happened if i had only put myself out there.

but right now i am so terrified that i can't even look you in the eye for fear you would see what you cannot know.

i am scared of you. out of everyone i had ever fallen for, you are the only one who has the potential to break me. so much that i would probably be unrecognizable for a time. your rejection would probably be the one that would sting the hardest. you turning away from me would probably be the memory that would haunt me the most. . .

and so right now, the person who never backed away from anything that had been deemed impossible is slowly walking away. the person whose hand had been slapped countless times and never minded is pulling her hand back. the one who swore to explore all options, any possible work around is choosing to just keep all doors locked.

i am choosing not to say anything.

i am choosing not to complicate your life any further.

i am choosing to just stay where i am. . . if you come to me i might change my mind. . .

but until then. . . we'll talk then.