someday. . .
i will write about you too. . .

i underestimated the power
she had, has over me

i'm still reeling
still scared, still drained
i still keep thinking
that you too would leave
who could blame me?
they all do. . .
eventually they all do

and then i am empty again
i give so much and
they take so much more
i got used to it
i knew what to expect
but the last one really broke me
wide open, oh so open

i could barely even breathe. . .

just hang in there love
i am finally free of her
i am starting to trust again
and plan again and dream again. . .

one day i will write about you too

and it will be the greatest story i will ever tell
you will be the greatest story i will ever tell

love is not for the meek
you have to fight, to bleed
to compromise, to ask for what you need
love is not for the weak

it is for the brave. . .
for the warrior who got trampled
over and over and yet never
surrendered in defeat

it is for the fearless. . .
who got burned over and over
yet never gave in
who fought, who struggled
who wears each scar so proudly
a badge of courage, of honor

it is for the patient. . .
who waited for her turn
who never lost hope

for the defiant. . .
who does not know any
other way to love than fiercely,
ferociously, passionately
the ones who never held back
who knows how ruthless love can be
yet still soldiered on
unmoved, unafraid

it is not who we love that defines us
rather, it is how we love. . .

and though we try our very best
to let the past
lie where it should. . .
remembering would still come
in waves, in hoards, when you least expect them

a multitude of years' worth of 
memories, tears, pain, laughter, hope, despair
and a collection of other emotions in between
would be impossible to hide
in the far corners of your mind
no matter how hard you push and pull and sit on the lid
a few still manage to escape
from time to time

like a long lost friend
they can comfort you
like a warm blanket in the cold
they can embrace you in their warmth
or like a nemesis you cower from
they can haunt you, make you tremble in fear

the past, how ever poignant,
how ever bitter, how ever sweet,
no matter what it is to us,
we can never out run. . .
the sooner we accept that,
the sooner we heal. . .

we can never forget. . .

we should never forget. . .

if we do we never learn

I have had my share of losses
My share of heartbreaks, hence this blog
A place i can put into writing
All that i'm feeling
An attempt to bury all my emotions
To let it all go
Empty my heart, my head and my soul
An avenue where i could make sense
To all the madness
To all that ails and troubles me
My forever ally
A friend i always go back to
When all life's pain prove to be too much
Too sudden
Where i can throw away all that's been bothering me
My personal wall where i can rant
I can shout, i can pour myself out
And no one will judge me

My writing has always been my shield
A cozy hole i can crawl in
Who would comfort me and make me whole again








It is failing its job now

I don't think anyone or anything
Can console me now
I am in too deep nothing can lift me out now
Depression is eating me up and it is uncontrollable now
I do not want to take a minute to regroup
I wanna curl up and just die now
Stay hidden, as still as i can be
I have lost all the energy
There is nothing left to fight for
Not a thing left to salvage
No pride, no hope, no joy, not even a dull light

I am just so tired
So bloodied, so spent
I gave all i could
My heart my soul my body my head
All of me and then some
I put everything on the fucking line
And i came out empty

So god damned barren

Thank you for making me feel
So small and insignificant
For wringing all the joy
And bathing me in bitterness
If that was your intention
I congratulate you. . .
A job well done

i keep on waiting. . .
you keep on fighting
sooner or later
something has to give

will it be you?
god i hope so
i hope you realize in time
that i am all you'll ever need

like i know that you
are everything i have always wanted
that although i may seem to have a lot
it all feels bleak without you

will it be me?
i could tell you that i don't think so
that i would hold on
till you change your mind

i would've said that, a few days ago i would've probably promised you that. . .

but it is indeed
getting harder and harder to breathe
i try to remind you
that i love you, everytime i could
but my words seem to fall
on deaf ears and you
keep on moving too far out of my reach
you lay beside me but i feel 
like i'm losing you
every minute, every second

and i'm the only one fighting. . .

i would stay
if i knew you wanted me to
if i see that you are waiting for me too
if i feel your hands holding on to me
your eyes worried that you might lose me too. . .

all i can hear is you walking away
little by little, every damn day
and it's sad to see my dream drift away
but it is so much harder to beg you to stay when all you want is break away. . .

i hope you get your peace. . .
i hope you relish your freedom. . .
i hope you stumble on contentment. . .
i hope you finally find your happiness. . .

and i hope it was all worth it. . .

i still cry . . .
whenever i'm alone and i think of you
of all that i'll miss
your face, your smell, the taste of your lips
you, tucked under my chin
sleeping so peacefully
i whisper to you
and even in your dreams you tell me you love me too. . .

i still bleed. . .
all those times i know you'll see him, be with him
i often wonder do you even still think about me
when you hold him, when you kiss him
when you look into his eyes do you remember what mine looked like?
when you smile at him or when you laugh
are you happier now than when you loved me?

i still ache. . .
whenever i remember the moments we spent with each other
when we swore we will hold on till forever
when i could still quiet down your fears
and wipe away each and every tear
when i was still your hero
the one you could never let go. . .

i am oh so weak. . .

but you will never see me break down now
put up a fight and stand my ground to stop you now
i may be weak but pride is all i've got now
you'll see me smile and hear me laugh
i'll be all better now

even if it is all pretend, just as long as it will make it easier on you

you'll think i have moved on
even if i'm stuck where you left me
i'll swallow my sobs
even if they choke me
you'll think that i'm happy
even if it kills me

well it's all over now isn't it?
the plans we made, the dreams we supposedly would realize together
everything i thought were true
every word spoken with such promise
every touch, every caress, every sound you made
we should forget

it's only me again now
i have been in this place countless times before
have been used to the solitude
the desperation, the knowledge that this is where
i will always return to
you made me forget

you held up a light for me
when all i saw was gloom and darkness
you held my hand, and whispered to me
that forever you'll hold me in your arms tightly
you picked up my broken pieces and built me, made me whole
only to break me again
i should forget

and i adored you, you were mine, all mine
you were so precious to me
i looked at you and held my breath
you looked so fragile, so sweet and i might ruin you
yet you ruined me
you should forget

so now i'm back
to where i swore i would never be again
trying so hard to start and begin again
this time all on my own as it always should've been
just I as I and not as we

you told me that it feels like you never had an effect on me
that is absofuckinglutely not true
so here is a list of the things i learned from you:

1. i am capable of being loved

i have searched, waited, begged, prayed for someone who will
love me, care about me, stay with me
then you found me
and i was the happiest woman alive
you filled my heart
and showed me that i could be needed
as much as i can need someone
thank you for loving me completely
for giving me everything i have always wished for
for letting me feel like i was the most important person in your life
when we worked, we were amazing
you made me amazing
and i would be forever glad that i had
opened myself up for you 

2. good things come to those who wait

i waited for you
even when there was no more hope
i still kept the faith
so when you did come i was so happy
you were worth it
i keep telling you that
and it is true
you chased all the loneliness away from me
and held me so lovingly

3. forever is just a word, 

you made me believe that it existed
because that was how long i would've wanted to be with you
i trusted you when you promised me that we could have  it
all of it
but i learned the hard way that there is no such thing

4. love may sometimes conquer all but there are times when it's just not enough

god, i loved you
i loved everything about you
i loved you with a love i never even knew i had
i did things i didn't know i was capable of doing
but i did them out of love
and i have endured and was willing to endure
anything to keep you
anything at all
everything humanly possible
but it's not that i did not love you enough
this time it's more like, no matter how much
i love you, my love just ain't enough
there are things that you want, need
that i just cannot give
and so i must walk away
so someone else can walk in 
someone who can give you
all that i can't

5. everything ends.

yeah they do.
and i have always known that
but with you i kinda forgot that
i started to believe that maybe some things stay
maybe you will always be with me
maybe what we had will stand the test of time
maybe others failed because they were not as strong as we are
maybe they loved less than we did
i really thought we will be the ones who would live to tell
the world that when you want something as badly as we wanted to stay together
you can beat the world
and yet we ended in a glorious heap
oh how we ended

6. life goes on

i am amazed 
that while i feel my world has stopped on its tracks
i see life pass me
all around
everyone is still moving
so i guess i must move with them
everything is the same in the world
and yet everything is different
our love ended
but life, it keeps turning
so i have to continue with it

7. i have a very strong threshold for pain

maybe because i had a lot of practice
people have come and gone before
and i kinda gotten used to it
but when you left i realized that i haven't seen enough pain yet
and i am so much stronger that i thought i were
i felt so much
and i would've continued with it
if i knew i would still have you
if in the end i could still be with you

8. never believe everything people tell you

be grateful
be appreciative
be accepting
but never believe
because although what you said may be true when you said them
nothing is true at all times
maybe you just got used to saying them
maybe you too wanted them to be true
but what we mean changes
and though i want to never forget you said all that you did
sometimes i just want to forget all of them
i wish i had the strength to not blindly believe
but i didn't
and right now it's killing me

9. pain won't kill you.

although there were times i wished it did
i just want them to stop so badly
and so i thought that if i lay still it would just pass by me
but it stayed
and i learned to befriend it
i even relish it sometimes
it comforts me now
to know that however great this pain is
it keeps me alive

10. this too shall pass.

i am not there yet
but if there really is a god
i know he will take me out of this misery someday
i am hoping that it would be soon enough
i am too tired and weary
i have bled too much
cried too hard
scratched and clawed and fought 
till there is almost nothing left in me
but a twinge of hope that yeah
this too shall pass




     

each time you say 

that you regret leaving

when you did

you stick a knife right through my heart

each tear you cry

are droplets of my blood

gushing out of my veins

crippling me

you mourn what you lost

so much that i wonder

if you gained anything at all when you

chose me. . .

did you really choose me or was i the only option you had?

you tell me over and over

that you love me,and i believe you

each and every time,

i just wonder if you would ever

love me as much as you loved, 

scratch that,

still love her?

i knew i would never be able to compete with her,

i never intended to. . .

i shouldn't have to. . .

she's in the past. . .

yes, colorful, loving,wonderful 

and all the damned superlatives

but then again,

she's in the past. . .

i am your now.

i would love to

be your future too

but your feet are still

stuck in what was

you say you regret

all that you used to have

will you feel the same pang

for what you might lose again?

it's been a while. . .

too long actually 

did i lose my touch? 

i don't know, maybe?

i wrote of tragedies,

i used my pen

to describe longing, pain

how i bled. . .

how i was filled

with bitter tears

how my heart ached,

of loneliness, endless, unforgiving, unrelenting fear

i rarely spoke

of happiness, hopefulness

i was a stranger to them

it felt awkward to even say them

yes i've been silent. . .

this used to be

my only sanctuary

my only friend, the only thing

that never turned me away

and then there was you. . .

i didn't need to seek

solace, fortitude, a warm embrace

didn't need to write i could speak

no more worries

no tragedies, pain is taken

away as soon as i feel them

no more fear

no need to bleed, nor shed any tear

i was home. . . you were home

but lately i feel

the urge to visit you again i fear,

in a little while it might

be just you and me again my dear. . .

. . . and all the tears i cry

no matter how i try

will never bring you home to me

will you wait for me

in heaven. . .

i keep expecting you

to come out of

your room and

shout orders with 

your booming voice. . .

you are our king

and our house is your castle

you watch over us

and guide us all. . .

you will still be doing that

albeit from a different podium,

a different palace. . .

everytime i come home

you are the first

person i look for,

i ask for you first thing

and i smile whenever i

find out that you

are just upstairs

lying on your bed

watching tv, basketball, our favorite. . .

you'll still be upstairs

but now it's somewhere 

i'll never be able to see you. . .

i lie beside you

hug your tummy

you hug me back

kiss the top of my head

and we just stay there

exchanging insults

bantering to our

heart's content and

we laugh. . .

i tried to hug you the

last time i saw you

but i never got a hug back. . .

last time we talked

i was explaining 

the trilogy "lord of the rings" to you

you can never

get the characters straight

but i still sat there

patiently telling you

the whole story

i wear your ring now

it was included in the

pile of all your belonging 

you left behind. . .

i will never understand

why you left us

even if everyone

would sit beside me

and patiently discuss to me

the merits, the cycle, the inevitable

it would still be 

unfathomable to me

how one very

unassuming night

you wandered out

and never looked back. . .

you used to

always come back

no matter how drunk

no matter how late

we would hear your car

we would hear you knock. . .

i'm still waiting. . .

i'll always, forever be waiting. . .

each time you say

that you regret leaving

when you did

you stick a knife

right through my heart

each tear you cry

are droplets of

my blood gushing

out of my veins

crippling me

you mourn what you lost

so much that i wonder

if you gained anything

at all when youchose me. . .

you tell me over and over

that you love me,

and i believe you

each and every time,

i just wonder if you would ever

love me as much

as you loved, scratch that,

still love her?

i knew i would

never be able

to compete with her,

i never intended to. . .

i shouldn't have to. . .

she's in the past

yes, colorful, loving,

wonderful and all the

damned superlatives

but then again,

she's in the past. . .

i am your now

i would love to

be your future too

but your feet are still

stuck in what was

you say you regret

all that you used to have

will you feel the same pang

for what you might lose again?

Click This

If you have at least 30minutes a day, have a paypal account, want to earn money form home, just click the link below and sign up, choose affiliate and click on the ad to get credti and make money!

http://pocketfavorite.com/pages/index.php?refid=saffronbox

You may also just click on the ad below

---->

i knew it would

be the best feeling. . .

waking up right

next to you

watching your slow

smile creeping up

reaching your eyes

your warmth pushing

away the coldness,

warmer than my sheets

your scent, i miss it

all the damn time

fills my head, i smell

your hair, your neck

my finger follows

a trail, a map

of your features

i trace your face

i, very subtly linger

like i can't believe

you are really there

so i have to feel

every bit of you

to make sure i'm

not in a dream

you are right there

i hug you and

you don't disappear

into thin air

you just hold

me right back

did i ever tell you

that i love mornings?

especially now that

i get to start each day

with you laying in my arms. . .

you used to

remind me to

never hold your

hand in public,

never kiss, hug,

stand too close

i couldn't help

but wonder if

you just didn't

want to be seen

next to me,

you were always

ever so cautious. . .

i forget from

time to time,

i grab your arm

let my hand slide down

till i am grasping yours

hoping you would not

notice anymore,

i steal kisses, in

dark corridors,

i hold on to you

a tiny bit longer

than i should

i tuck your hair,

touch your face

as often as i could

i figured you'd

get used to it

pretty soon (another tactic eh? hehehe)

sometimes you fail

to notice

that i'm doing

what you specifically told

me not to

but most of the

time you still

manage to remember

i just grow

quiet when you do that. . .

i never saw you

smile wider than

you did tonight

you ran, no, flew

in to my arms

and held me tightly,

in front of everyone else

please never tire

of loving me back,

i'm worth it,

you'll see

=)

like i said before, i envy her.
i will always do.
all that i missed, all i'm still missing.
she will always be there, i know that for a fact.
i have prepared for that, i have conditioned myself
for the fight that was ahead, i just hoped it would not be a never ending one.

well it just might be. . .

i hate battles.
strong as i may seem, inside i'm really weak.
i cringe at the drop of a hat.
you even likened me to a baby,
all soft and sensitive, maybe i am.

i can't compete with a memory.
i have been trying for the past 4 months,
sadly, it had been futile
i pick myself up, breathe deeply, suck it in
as hard as it may be, losing you is not an option.
i soldier on.
i look at you and nothing else matters. . .

you try all you can too
i see how much effort you put into it
you hold it all in
and try not to let me know
how she still haunts you
but i can tell
the slightest movement, the deep sighs,
the far away looks
the shift in moods. . .

you say she's everywhere.
well if she is, then where am i?
she was your everything,
i only want to be a little piece of you
a tiny bit, is it too much to ask?

i am not belittling all you've done,
i am belittling what i have
after all's said and done
i'm still here
waiting in the wings
wondering when my time will finally be up

she ends where i start,
she hasn't ended, how will i start?
when can i start?

like you, i am hoping it will be soon too.
soon.

it's all too new

for you and for me

i know i would

sometimes fumble

my mistakes would

hurt you, unintentionally, of course

and sometimes normal

words might turn harsh

i'll try and shrug

them all off

as long as i can

as long as i need to

in a perfect world

a kiss, a hug

a tiny act of

kindness, disregarded pride,

the proverbial

looking the other way,

would magically wash

away all the pain

melt all of the sadness

cure every ache. . .

but i am flawed,

you are not a saint

we are but two

broken individuals

grasping at each other

to complete our missing parts,

i was always certain

that i hold what

you always sought

i still might,

but then again

i might not. . .

and you would've just

squandered both time

and energy holding on to me. . .

i sincerely hope

that it won't be the case

when i lay in silence

i wish as hard

as i possibly can

that i could, in

some way be all

that you truly need

i am an expert

at falling short,

for once i would

like to think i

can be enough

maybe this time i would. . .

love,

told you birthdays are the loneliest times of the year. . .

and i knew you tried
to be happy,
to have fun,
to forget what it is
that makes you bleed,
keeps you up at night sometimes,
for a few hours you made a huge effort
to conceal that it was killing you too. . .

i felt the tears,
even before i saw them
running down your soft cheeks,
i heard them coming,
the crack in your voice, the stilted breathing,
the heavy sighs. . .

it's your first. . .

for five straight years all holidays were spent with her,
and i know that at the back of your mind
you would always wish she were here too,
she was your life, your best friend, your partner in crime
i would never replace her
i have said so countless of times
she would always stay hidden
tucked away in a very special place,
it's okay, i understand

i just wish
that you never hope
she were here instead of me. . .

it's alright love,
we'll make new memories
no worries
i love you to pieces. . .

happy birthday.

Its joy, its ecstasy, its truth its destiny
And even love is not enough
To tell you how you make me feel
Theres only one word for this, it's. . .


bliss. . .

and i was
so sure i
would never
find it again

was always
certain i would
forever have
it dangled in front
of me like
a bait, a lure
of some sort
one that when
i bravely sink
my teeth into
either disappears
or worse,
takes me for a ride
and then
drops me, all
bloodied, gasping
for air,

tricked again
into believing
that it's
the real thing
i crave it too
much that a tiny
glimpse, a promise
however fleeting
makes me jump
in, head first

i almost drowned the last time. . .

you are my
unexpected ray
of sunshine
(believe me, you are)
i could run
again, free
freefall because
i know you'd
catch me,
hold me in
your arms as
tightly as you can,
let no one
harm me

you make me
happy
sorry if i
sometimes fail
to tell you
that you do

please swear
you won't stop, love
come fly away with me. . .

All you want
Is right here in this room
All you want
And all you need
Is sitting here with you. . .


sometimes life,
and all its
craziness overwhelms you,
it swallows you,
pulls you down
till all you
see is oblivion
free falling
into a box
with no windows,
no way out. . .

your heart pounds
you start to
panic, the worries
are not just
creeping now,
they're running
after you, way
faster than you
steady, steady
don't fall down
they will bury you
once they catch up. . .

fear is threatening
to overpower you
yet again,
you're losing your
grip, it used to
be so firm,
you're slipping,
drowning. . .

breathe. . .

when everything
is moving
all too fast
and all you
can think of
is bolting,
or staying in
place, dwelling,
i keep asking
you to just
breathe. . .

and think of me

i hope i will make
you as strong as
you are making me,
everytime i see you
there's no more room
for doubts, or fears,
the worries fall away
i am invincible. . .

do my trick, just think of me
and remember that i am
always, always on your side