why me?

out of everyone in the world, all 6 billion plus of them, why choose me?

i am nothing special. so ordinary it's bordering on boring. i do not have anything to offer that has never been offered before. i do not have movie star looks. i don't have an attitude that rocks. i am not that well-off. i'm no genius. i am no sir gallahad. i sin like everyone else.

but i'll. . .

make you smile, when you feel like it's the end of the world. make you laugh, at my mishaps and yours. hold your hand, my fingers will fit yours perfectly. let you cry on my shoulders. kiss you on the temple. hug you when you feel like it. watch over you when you sleep. pour you coffee in the morning. sit quietly and listen when you rant. tease you mercilessly. apologize when i may have done or said something wrong. admit my mistakes. point out your mistakes. butt heads with you but give in when i know you are right. watch your favorite tv show. go shopping with you and try not to complain too much. bully you. allow you to bully me sometimes. fight with you. make up with you. stare at the moon with you. walk with you on the beach and wait for the sun to rise. be beside you when you wake up. be proud of you. tell you, you are beautiful every single day.

i will love you fiercely.

even when you tell me you do not think you are worth it.

i will give you my heart. it ain't perfect. it is rough around the edges. but it will be yours. all of it. you can do with it what you want

all you have to do is take it. . .

go on and take it.

i'm sorry it took so long

i was distracted =)

it's funny

how our roles changed

how different

how similar

like the phases

of the moon you

so revere

we follow a cycle

i'm still learning

the quirks

the nuances of the

new shoes i have to fill

in my solitude

you hug me

your arms stretch

far out to reach me

our lives will

forever be intertwined

like the movement

of the sea

you are the moon

i am the tide. . .

ON GREAT LOVES


does it have to be one?

can it not be two or three or can it not be everytime you fall?

(maloloka ka nun malamang hahahaha) isa-isahin natin ha?

how do you define great? what are the parameters? does she have to look a specific way? act a specific way? do you have certain characteristics that are to be met? a set of criteria before one love could be categorized as "great"? more importantly, who defines great? do you? does she? or is it everyone else who determines if it is great or not? different strokes for different folks eh?

ok, for the nitty gritty. my view.

i do not think that there could be more than one great love.

it is called 'great' for a reason. kinda like "the ultimate" . there can only be one. a lot of people go through life and leave it without ever meeting "her" it would be too foolish to expect to find "her" twice, in one lifetime at that. of course i am not belittling the other loves that may come your way while waiting for the "great" one. there are no regular loves, each one is special, at least for me they are. the one thing that seperates your greatest from the other ones is probably its intensity. the amount of effort, of work, you are willing to exert. how much of yourself you are willing to give and the length of time it takes you to forget her, should your story end up in tragedy. that is, if you are capable of forgetting her. that's what makes it so hard. if it would take a lifetime to forget your one great love, how do you expect to find another one? see what i mean?

now, the age old question: have i met her?

hmmmmm. . .

yes. i have met her. a few years back. we met at a time when everything was a mess. life seemed to be moving faster than we were. everything was hazy. yeah, the timing was crazy. but these things are never planned. it always happens when you least expect it. the outcome would have to depend on how you would react. i guess i reacted poorly (hahahaha).

i lost her. even before we could begin, she walked away. i don't really blame her. the timing was off. it was no longer just between her and me, other lives were involved. the only way to come out of it was to cut everything off, a clean break. i have always understood what she did and why she did it. it was painful but i never hated her, i never could. she had her reasons.

and so i lost my one great love. i don't even know if we were given a fair chance. all i know is that although i would fall in love again (i'm easy, hahahaha), countless times, i would still have an empty spot that only she can fill. although i won't forever be empty, i never can be complete. whoever comes into my life, would always be compared to her. and even if we never meet again, she will always be with me, in me, all over me.

so does my story end here?

nah.

you see, i was very innocently browsing the net one time, and then i came across an invitation. yeah it was facebook, someone was asking permission to be added as my friend. i blinked once, twice, guess who it was?

she's back. my one great love. i do not know what's gonna happen. i do not have a clue what to do. the only thing i do know is that i am not gonna let her walk away again. no siree.

i'll keep you guys posted =)

i should've forgotten about you by now.
how long has it been?
years. long, cold, empty years
that have dragged on and on

you left and i stayed
right there. . .
counting your steps till i can't see you anymore
i stayed and waited, someday. . .

you might realize you lost me
you might, one day, remember what it
was like to be loved by me
and feel the urge to go back

i wanna be there when it happens
sitting right there, i would look up
and you will be standing in front of me
that huge grin on your face as the years fall away. . .

welcome home dear
it took you quite a long time
but it's ok
you are here. . . nothing else matters

do not lose me again. . .

i have to start writing again
but this time it should be about something other than you
i know this is my blog
i can spill my guts and nobody has the right to shut me up
but i am tired
of wringing my emotions
and converting them into words
that might mean something to you
i am all spent up
drained, empty
it is not your fault
i have constantly said that
i was the one who had everything mixed up
i got lost
i mistook fantasy and thought it was part of my reality
you were always clear, crystal
i was the one who muddled it
i am so sorry

so go on
stay happy
i should be writing a different story by now

but for the record
you did not break my heart. . .
i did all on my own

i hate goodbyes.

i never learned how to say it. i do not know when to say it. more importantly, i have a very difficult time understanding why i have to say it. yeah, i know, i have abandonment issues (hahahaha).

i choke. i have never been the one to leave someone i love or loved. not when it hurts too much. not when i'm being played. not even when i am already numb. i wait. until she lets me go. until her guilt becomes too much to bear. until she can no longer hold on to me. weird,i know, but i'd rather be the one left behind. it's walking away from her that i can't stand. my tears will dry up. if someone cries because i said goodbye. . . that is something i just cannot handle.

i falter. i feel as if i am betraying her if i leave. i promised i'd be there as long as she needs me. as long as she wants me to be with her. i try to keep every promise i make. i do not make a lot and so the ones i said i would do, i never break. even when everyone else is begging me to just give up. even when quitting is more convenient. i stay. . . until she pushes me away.

i stammer. when asked why i have to say goodbye. i fumble. i run out of words. it might sound stupid and pigheaded but i never looked at walking away as an option. she was my air. for a time my world revolved around her. she was perfection, personified. she controlled my heartbeat. even when i close my eyes, she was the one i saw. how in the hell will i be able to turn my back on her?

impossible. . .

until she was the one who did the leaving. . .

so i had no other choice but to say goodbye. bid her farewell. hope that everything works out for her. put on a brave face and tell her i am happy for her.

i still don't like goodbyes. i still don't know how and when to say it. i don't think i will ever understand why i have to say it. . .

but for this purpose alone, i would pretend that it is a piece of cake. . .

goodbye.

these things i'll never say. . .


and we are back. . .
to being so silent
did i say something wrong?
made another bad turn?
did i offend you in some way?
too eager? too hard headed?

i do not want
to get too used
to not speaking to you,
not being there for you
not caring, not thinking about you

i am so scared
that one day you won't
even remember i'm just here
that you'd forget
that i'm just waiting for you dear

have you slipped away?

i don't feel you anymore,
the one thing
i've always wanted. . .
i can't see you anymore. . .
i wanna run after you. . .

will you please stay right there
so i could maybe reach you
do not go anywhere,
i won't lose you,
i just cant, lose you, not yet. . .