i hate goodbyes.

i never learned how to say it. i do not know when to say it. more importantly, i have a very difficult time understanding why i have to say it. yeah, i know, i have abandonment issues (hahahaha).

i choke. i have never been the one to leave someone i love or loved. not when it hurts too much. not when i'm being played. not even when i am already numb. i wait. until she lets me go. until her guilt becomes too much to bear. until she can no longer hold on to me. weird,i know, but i'd rather be the one left behind. it's walking away from her that i can't stand. my tears will dry up. if someone cries because i said goodbye. . . that is something i just cannot handle.

i falter. i feel as if i am betraying her if i leave. i promised i'd be there as long as she needs me. as long as she wants me to be with her. i try to keep every promise i make. i do not make a lot and so the ones i said i would do, i never break. even when everyone else is begging me to just give up. even when quitting is more convenient. i stay. . . until she pushes me away.

i stammer. when asked why i have to say goodbye. i fumble. i run out of words. it might sound stupid and pigheaded but i never looked at walking away as an option. she was my air. for a time my world revolved around her. she was perfection, personified. she controlled my heartbeat. even when i close my eyes, she was the one i saw. how in the hell will i be able to turn my back on her?

impossible. . .

until she was the one who did the leaving. . .

so i had no other choice but to say goodbye. bid her farewell. hope that everything works out for her. put on a brave face and tell her i am happy for her.

i still don't like goodbyes. i still don't know how and when to say it. i don't think i will ever understand why i have to say it. . .

but for this purpose alone, i would pretend that it is a piece of cake. . .

goodbye.