wouldn't it be nice
if just this once
i won't be the
one to break down?
that the tears
that would be falling
aren't mine this time?
that my absence
ruined your perfect world
you are the one
trying to find me,
wanting to get me back
because you are
lost without me
i made such an impact
that just the thought
of never seeing me again
makes you tremble
in fear
is it possible
that for once
you're the one
holding on to me
you're the one
barring me from walking away
the one trying
desperately to make me stay
'cause life without me
will be too much to bear

now who am i kidding?

you would never
do any of that
you won't shatter
your eyes will
remain dry
you won't look for me
might not even notice
that i'm gone
your world
will not miss a beat
you would never hold
on to me
if i slip away
you won't even know
not because
you're too cold,
uncaring, no
it's 'cause i'm just
not that important yet
i'm expendable,
totally replaceable

that's why i'm the one
doing my damnest
to hold on to you
keep you from slipping
right through my fingers
doing everything
to try and make you stay
even when i'm
too weary,
even when it hurts
too much to even breathe
'cause i can't
lose you yet
no i won't
lose you yet

i wish i were
someone else
someone who knows
when to call it quits
someone who can stop
and never look back
somebody so tough
that being alone
is just a walk in the park
unafraid
unruffled
someone who can
leave anytime she wants to
walk away from everything
without a second thought
someone who'll never
be swayed
by tears, pleas,
unspoken promises
who can say no
so easily, without hesitation
someone not scared
to feel hurt
or inflict pain

i keep saying
i'm not built this way
but there are days
when i think it would be safer
if i were

i am not
going to let you go
you can stop
think for some time
consider your options
mull over every
pro or con
rest your weary mind
move away for a while
i'll give you
your space
if that's what you need
but i won't
ever let you
walk away from me
not today
not ever
not in this lifetime

i am holding
on to you
with both hands
i am never,
do you hear me?
never
giving up on you

it's some sort
of a strange miracle
that i'm still breathing now
my heart is still
beating albeit so slowly
almost inaudible
it's still pumping blood
i know, 'cause mine's
trickling
little by little
draining my body
in a little while
i'll be numb again
and i like it that way
no pain, no heartache
just silent tears
forming, but i can't
let them drop
no i won't let them fall

i wish
i could wake up now
i could make it all
go away
i wish my world
can right itself again
but i can't
this is not a nightmare
this is my reality
i wish i could make it
just stop, please stop

i am too needy
too emotional
i react too quickly
sometimes without thought
i can be too harsh
with words that
could cut through
even hearts made of stone
i can make you bleed
without meaning to
i can offer my hand
then take it back
without warning
i can hold you
dearly, intimately
then drop you
so suddenly
i could lift you up
or pull you down
i could be
the sweetest little thing
and in the next breath
i could turn
into a vile minx
i could build you up
or i could ruin you
i could make you laugh
but then again
i could also
bring you to tears
i could make you
feel oh so glad
you found me
and in the next turn
make you
wish you never met me
i could be the one
but i could also
turn out to be
just one of many

i am not nice
although i seem to be
i am as bad, as manipulative
as bitter, as hateful
as anyone else

i am no angel
just the opposite, maybe

someone asked me
a few minutes ago
if i could name
my happy place
i stopped to think
nothing pops to mind
am i that lonely?
that damaged,
that broken?
that i can't
for the life of me
remember where i am happiest?
was it that too long ago
that i forgot
what it felt like?
too few and far between
that every trace
have been removed
from my memory?
or is it because
i'm too afraid
that if i say it
out loud
it would be snatched
away from me
my comfort zone
the place i run to
when everything
becomes too much to bear
the one place
i go back to
when life and
it's many cruelties
catch up with me

where is it?

it was supposed
to be with you
now i don't really know anymore. . .

the insecure
part of me
is beginning to ask
will she ever love me
as much as she loves him?
will i be able
to make her smile
as much as he has?
touch her soul
fill her mind
with thoughts
of me, rather than of him
will she ever
speak of me
as sweetly as
she utters his name?
will she want me
can she need me
the way she does him?
is there a chance
she'll miss me
as much?
cry herself to sleep
at the thought
of losing me?
can i eventually
be her sun,
her wonderwall
her source of
unending strength?

i don't know. . .
i could only hope
someday, i might

in the meantime
i'll do whatever i can
so that one day
there'll be no more him,
or them
just you. . .
with me

maybe it's
the way you
make my heart
race as if
any time now
it's gonna careen
out of my chest
or probably
it's 'cause
when i talk to you
i often find myself
at a loss for words
the one thing
i am good at
stringing sentences
or maybe because
i sometimes
forget to even breathe
when someone mentions you
it might also be
because amid
the clutter
and chaos that is my life
you still manage
to make sense
or because after
a very long
and tiring day
just the thought
of you eases
whatever bothers me
the impatient kid
has learned the art
of waiting
you taught me that

my list would
probably be endless
so i'd stop at this
i love you
without knowing how
or when
or for however long
but i'll make it so
you never ever doubt
that i do

like fluttering wings
of a million tiny
butterflies
like the galloping
of a hundred wild
mustangs
like the ripples
of a thousand
pebbles thrown into
a once quiet brook
you unsettle me

in my most
quiet moments
you never fail
to cross my mind
in between every
crevice, you fill me
you are in me
with me
all over me

my arms
reach out for you
without any thought
i listen to
every sound, straining
that i might
hear your voice
hear you speak

i wish
i could catch
even a strand
of hair
breathe in
your elusive scent
a tiny taste
a little nip
what i'd give
if i could

soon. . .
i will be with you soon

it's a little scary
a bit disarming
like any moment
it could get taken
away from me again
ripped from my arms
but i'm not
going to think
about that yet
i'm gonna bask
in the warmth
it is offering now
frolick in its
lovely light
laugh in its
sweet shade
smile as often
as i could
take as much
as is given to me
give as much
as i could
hope that this
would go on
and on

happy
i thought i'd
forgotten how it feels like
thank you for helping me
remember

i only have
myself to blame
for falling this
deep, this far off
threw caution to
the wind
now the brisk gale
is blowing
me in all directions
can i hold on to you?
will you keep me steady?
anchored so i won't
get blown off?
or will you let
the strong gust
take me away?
so, so far away

my heart's racing
pounding uncontrollably
for a second there
i couldn't breathe
if you ask me now
what am i thinking
this very moment
i don't even know if
i have a coherent thought
i just mumble
a little to myself
trying to get a grip
compose myself
act cool
don't lose it
i start to type
then stop again
what am i gonna say
i'm a wreck
a bundle of nerves

and that's just when you smile. . .

have i lost you?
the one thing that
i was so intent on keeping

have you moved on?
left me stranded here
stuck in limbo

is that you walking away?
i want to stop you
i just don't know how
or if you would heed
my silent plea

is that the door i hear?
silently closing
you, turned away
i'm left on the other side
dumbfounded

do i say goodbye now?
run the other way
leave you be
give you your space

please tell me
it's all in my head
that i'm just making
it all up
'cause i just can't. . .
at least not yet

are you just
testing me?
trying to see
how far i would go
trying to gauge
how much i can take
how hard
i will hold on to you
trying to find out
what my threshold is
how many rejections
how many no's
how many maybe's
before i fold
call it a day
move on to the next
to an easier task
lesser evil
are you just waiting
for me to call it quits
for everything
to be too much to bear
for me to walk away?
do you just wanna know
if i'm more scared
to lose you
or if my greater fear
is to lose myself?
are you trying to see
if i will rise
to the occassion
answer to the challenge
of making you stay?
is this a game to you?
who will break first
who will give in
who can fight the hardest
who will bleed more
who can change
the other's mind?

well, game on. . .

oh i forgot
you are unattached. . .
totally unaffected. . .
my bad.

i was hoping
i'd reach you
i was hoping
i could touch
a part of you
you keep hidden
from the world
from everyone else
ambitious, i know
but i was hoping
in some small way
i could begin
to crumble some
of the walls
you put around you
melt your heart a bit
know you a little deeper
solve some of your puzzles
find out what makes you tick
uncomplicate
your complicated mind

i thought
if you would only
let me in a bit
not too much
then you might
see me too
feel me too
hear what i need to tell you
you'd come around
you'd want what i want
need me a little
i thought
if i gave you my heart
show you my world
then you'd want to be in it

was i ever more wrong?

i'm as close
as i can possibly get
as you can possibly let me
i can't get any nearer
without you
running away again
so i'm gonna stay here
i know you might not
come to me
but i'm gonna wait anyway

the funny thing
about trying to crumble
a barricade
that was put in place
to keep the world
and everybody else out
is that every push
every shove
is met with a counter push
a counter shove
every bruise you manage
to inflict in a way
marks you too
every second you
wear her down
is a minute
she wears you out
every inch forward
a mile backward
just when you think
you've gotten in
pushed the boundaries aside
in come more sentinels
to guard their queen
with their lives
the defenses seem never ending
never letting up
never giving in
i'm battered
so weary

can you hear me bleed?
do you smell
my desperation
do you taste my frustration
can you see me wince
can you feel me
almost shatter?

i envy you
you can stop anytime
without preamble
without guilt
without doubt
with no hesitation

i can't
i tried
i don't want to

but sometimes, i wish i could. . .

what makes me stay
when any normal person
would've run the other way
can i give you any reason
why i hold on
when everything you do
everything you say
points me
to a different direction?
do i like the pain?
am i addicted to the
sweet, sweet, misery?
do i like the torture
love the torment
crave the slow
burning smell of fear
my fear
why do i remain here
when you've effectively
crushed every hope
every potential
of the dream i have
of you staying with me?

so why am i still here?
what else am i waiting for?
do i really want more?

sometimes i get so tired
so spent
so torn apart
i just wanna stop
but if i do
what else would be there left for me?
could i go on?
will i have the courage
to face the coming days
knowing i lost you
i can't imagine existing
in a world where you don't

so i guess i'd have
to stay here
endure some more of this
'cause i know
however badly i'm hurting now,
letting you go will hurt even worse

if you cut the chord
i can take it
if i reach out one day
and all i get is air
it won't shock me
won't put my world
out of its orbit
life would be the same
i won't even flinch
you think
i would crumble?
i won't even feel it
i won't notice
anything different
i won't miss
your voice, your smile
your inquiring eyes
your laughter, your frown
the dimple on your cheek
the way you challenge
my every thought
how you infuriate me
and calm me at the same time
how you frustrate me
unnerve me, turn me to mush
with just one look
i will not miss any of that
i won't know sadness
i won't break down
i won't shed tears. . .
not even one. . .

now if only
i can mean
even a fourth of all that
then my life could've been so much easier,
but then again, who wants easy,
when easy means you won't be there?

am i just a habit?
did you just get used to me
pushing, shoving
giving you all that i have
trying to open you up
trying to grab at anything
grasping at straws
hoping to make sense
of the lovely chaos
that you are?

am i just a game?
you play to your heart's content
is it the thrill
the excitement
the drama
a shiny new toy
that fascinates you
for a little while atleast
did i just over estimate
my worth to you?

am i an addiction?
you are hooked on
for the time being
the rush
the momentary joy
the high
you so fervently seek
your favorite brand of morphine
that numbs you
and lets you float
into oblivion

i hope you never get
the urge to quit
to kick the habit
to cure the addiction
'cause when you do
you might. . .

no, i'm not even going there

what if i leave,
would you notice?
if one day you can't find me
can't see me, can't feel me
would it matter?
if you realize
that i'm lost
will you look for me?
search very nook
sweep every cranny
leave no stone unturned
will you never stop
till you find me?
will you even try?
if i don't turn up
will you worry?
will you think i gave up
beat yourself up
'cause you let me slip away?
would you feel
devastated, lacking
like something has been
ripped from you
taken, forced away

will it pierce your soul
knowing i'm no longer there,
or would it be
just like an ordinary day?

i told you i wasn't perfect
i told you i might
unknowingly, unintentionally
hurt you
i knew you might break me
turn me inside out
unknowingly, unintentionally
break me
you warned me
i warned you
but still i went ahead
i didn't know how to stop,
if i can stop,
if i should stop
just give up?
quit while i was ahead,
was i ever ahead?
cut the chord
while there is still life in me?
forget everything
move forward
not looking back?

i don't know if i can
i know that i don't want to
i'm staying right here
right where you are
i am in love with you
whether you believe that or not
i'm staying
you can't push me away

in the after glow
everything changes
the shadows lose their mystique
the comforting darkness
opens up to the world
my safe haven
sheds its shield
i'm like a newborn
defenses missing
all that haunts me in the cloak of night
i can face now
all that used to bring me solace
escapes me now
everything loses their meaning
gains a new one
the softness
gives way to roughness
the dreaming stops
reality begins

in the harsh light of morning
i examine my innermost thoughts
i feel what's in my heart
yep, it's still there
im in love with you still. . .

cool. calm. confident. these are the things i ought to be. i'm trying here, i just don't know if i have it in me to stay so detached.

cool. as a cucumber maybe. i have to stay unfazed. unmoved by everything that has been happening and will be happening to me and more importantly to you. i have to maintain an air of coolness, like i wouldn't falter if placed in a crowded room and you're in the middle, while everyone's trying to go for you i should just stay where i am standing, watching, waiting.

calm. waiting for you to make the first move. as i stare and pretend that it doesn't bother me. i'm calm you see, i won't move an inch. although in reality i'm dying to reach out to you. i have to feign control when inside i'm raging to break free. run to you, take you away. . .

confident. enough to believe that you won't look the other way. enough to think that no matter what he does, what they do, you'll still choose to be with me. enough to assume, yes assume, that you are trying too, i'm not in this alone, you're part of this too.

i have to pretend that i'm just cruising along, no worries at all. i don't know if i can, i'm not built this way. but for your sake, for my sanity's sake i'll try, even if it kills me i'll just smile

the mischievous smile
like you are up to something slightly bad
the saucy grin
like you are ready to tease me yet again

the squinting eyes
trying to read into me
the sinister smirk
when i stupidly say something i shouldn't have

the fearsome glare
when you're out for blood (mine usually hahahaha)
the squaring of your shoulders
when you're trying to make a point

the somber frown
the slight air of annoyance
the way you play with your mouth
the deep concentration as you put your make-up on

the raised eyebrow
the endless why's
your inquisitive mind
the sarcasm

the silent pain
hidden behind your beautiful eyes
the unshed tears
ensconed on such strong mask

some of the things that i miss about you
i wish i could keep all of them locked inside a special trunk, so i could relieve them over and over, maybe then i won't yearn for you as much

i'm scared. . .
i hate to admit it but i am
i'm shaking in my boots
my heart's beating so fast i can hardly breathe

uncertain?
no, not at all
i've never been more sure
i want you, i need this, this is not what i'm afraid of

what terrifies me
is that i might not be what you need
what keeps me up at night
is that i might not be all you want me to be

i might fall short
i might break you
i might not be enough
i might cause you more pain

all i ever wanted was to be everything for you
now i am so afraid that ultimately i might just ruin you

But if your heart is cold, my sheets are warm.
I will shelter you through the storm.
I will shelter you all through the storm. . .


honey could you come here a moment
let me dry your eyes, let me hold you close
let me try to clear your head
of the ghosts that have constantly haunted you

could you lean on me a bit
just rest your head on my shoulder for some time
close your eyes, try to rest
i'll watch over you tonight

can i hold your hand in mine a while?
plant a kiss on your forehead, just one
whisper softly in your ear
they're gone now dear, i've chased them far away, atleast for today

i know, this is like trying to put band aid
to a wound that was ripped open bleeding, aching
i know this is just a pit stop
to the treacherous journey ahead, i know that

but atleast for a few precious hours you are safe
we'll think about tomorrow some other time, for now just lie down, i'll look after you

i never promised you a ray of light
i never promised there'd be sunshine everyday. . .


i cannot promise to never hurt you. . .
i just might
this ride's not going to be a smooth one
please hold tight

i wanna promise you forever
but i can't
i don't even think for a moment
that's what you would want

you'd want the truth
i bet
no matter how hard it is i'm sure
that's what you wanna get

so i won't give you the usual lines
i'll tell you instead that. . .

i'm not a saint, i sin like everyone else
i'm not perfect, i'm not ideal
i get scared too, i break down too
i might lie, i might make you cry

i can't assure you of anything
other than that i'll give you all i've got
the good, the bad, no secrets, no false hopes
all that i am, all i could give

i want you to come into this with both eyes wide open
so this is me, with all my cards on the table. . .
your move

you turn me on, you turn me around, you turn my whole world upsidedown. . .

you never cease to amaze me. . .
just when i thought i figured you out, you blindside me
you keep me on my toes

you never fail to surprise me. . .
i thought you're this, turns out you're that
it's confusing, yeah, but hey, i'm not complaining

you keep me in suspense. . .
what will she do next, what will she say next
will she finally admit she likes me too?
(don't worry honey, i know you do)

i won't grow tired, i won't get bored
you got me awed, you got me floored
just a taste, and all i can think of is more

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

sleep eludes me
i don't know why
maybe because my mind keeps straying to you
maybe because my arms keep straining to reach you?

i sit in silence
searching for words that might get through to you
hoping some way i might be able to push some of the barriers aside
break down some of your walls, find the chink in the armour you wear so proudly

i know you see me
i know you feel me pushing myself to the limit
struggling to get a hold of you
hoping this time you won't turn away, you won't push me away

sometimes i get to the point where i wanna just give up
but then i see you very discreetly egging me on
a little glimpse of what you so preciously keep inside you
a small fissure, a slight opening. . .

knowing that in some small way i'm starting to wear you down. . .
so worth all of it. . .

sometimes i wonder if i have a sign taped at my back that says. . .
"break my heart"


have you ever had your heart broken?
ripped into pieces, so fine that you can no longer recognize the parts?
shreds scattered everywhere
you wanna pick them up but you are so tired, so very tired. . .

sitting in front of the screen
fighting back tears that are threatening to burst
holding back the curses forming in your head
putting a rein on the scream that is building up in your chest

you wanna be angry
at her, at him, at yourself, at anyone
you wanna just freak out, unleash your rage
but you are just too defeated

too spent, too weary
drained of all the energy you had within you
so you just sit in a little corner and hope
that in a little while this too shall pass

. . . i guess this is what you get for stumbling into something you never should've known about. . .

I love you more than I should
So much more than is good for me
More than is good
Oh the timing is cruel
Oh I need and don't want to need
More than I should

someone told me that this was too good to be true
in typical reg fashion i never listened, never believed for a moment that this can't be true
how can it not be real?

when every fibre of my being screams you?
when every single thought i have is of you?
when all i can ever want is to be next to you?
and every breath, every move, every dream springs from you?

for once my head and my heart is not in conflict
at last i have this clarity within me that i have long awaited for
no turmoil, no muddled thoughts, no contradictions
i am one with myself, or so i thought

i have wished for this for as long as i can remember
have wanted this more than anything else
but now i see that wishing for something doesn't necessarily mean you'll get it
and no amount of wanting would assure me that you'll want me back. . .

so here i am, waiting for the other shoe to drop. . .
it will, soon enough, i know it
but for the time being i'll savour what i can
grab as much as i could, before you go and take it all away again

. . .cause it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna scare her
it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna lose. . .


i wanna be the one to wipe your tears
the only one who could calm your fears
the one who would be your everything
the person who would stop at nothing

just to see you smile
make you be happy for a little while
the one you would always run to
i really do, i really want to

hold your hand
wave a magic wand
to make everything perfect for you
oh if you only knew

how much i try to do all that
to give you everything, all that i've got
my heart, my soul, i know it's not a lot
but maybe, just maybe, this time i'd be enough

Every now and then, everybody's entitled to too much perfection


Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

if i could take you away. . .

away from all the misery
away from all that bothers me
away from everyone saying no
away from all the pain, if we could just go

somewhere we could just start over
forget the past and work on forever
somewhere no one knows us
i can just be me, you can just be you, we can just be us

if i could take away all your fears
calm your sorrows wipe away your tears
hold you in my arms whisper softly
smoothen your worry lines gently, oh if i could only. . .

please, please will you let me?

You say what if we're not meant to be. . . so what? Make a mistake with me. . .



Will you be my favorite regret,
Could I be your sweetest mistake?
Trade one step back for two ahead
Just a little time that's all
Don't be afraid to fall
This catch I won't forget,
My favorite regret.

Won't you let me chip away the stone
Are you really better off alone?
Won't you let your guard down one more time
Just like I've done mine
We'll look until we find something neither will forget
My favorite regret

My favorite regret

Will you be my favorite regret?
Cut the strings attached but save the thread
And I know your feelings are probably right
But just this once tonight
As you lay in your bed
Place a little on this bet
My favorite regret

"i am the dreamer. . .
and she's just the dream"



it's not gonna happen. . .
not today, not tomorrow, not in this lifetime
and even if i live a hundred other lifetimes
it still probably wouldn't work

we are too different. . .
like night and day,
good and bad,
hello and goodbye. . .

you are a breath of fresh air
a cool drink on a scorching afternoon
the rainbow after a devastating storm
the lone star on the bleakest of nights

i am tarnished air
i am the scorching sun
i am the devastating storm
i am the bleakest night

so you see,
it really is madness to even think
that i would ever be right for you
that i could ever be what you really need
that i would ever be good enough
i know i'm not. . .
although i truly wanted me to be. . .

If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with a lot of rain



is it safe to say that i've moved on?
picked up the pieces and put together whatever was left. . .
of my pride, my heart, my life. . .

you rarely cross my mind now. and when you do it doesn't make me cringe anymore, doesn't make me think of explicit curses to throw at you, or things i would do to torture you as you have me. . .
i can even smile now. . .
not the sweet kind that i used to reserve just for you, neither the bitter kind i used to flash whenever someone asked why you left but the kind that mixes sadness, acceptance, hope. . .
hope that something or someone better would come along, has to come along. . .

"love means never having to say you're sorry. . ."



This is the most famous line in the novel "Love Story" by Erich Segal. Spoken by the main character Jenny after her husband Oliver found her outside on their porch steps shivering from being in the cold for a few hours atleast. They had an argument, you see, and Jenny stormed out. Oliver went after her and searched everywhere to find her. He did, right in front of their home, and when he tried to apologize she said, "love means never having to say you're sorry".

Did she mean that when two people are in love they shouldn't have to apologize or make amends? That one would have to accept every heartache, every pain inflicted and not wait for even a word or a gesture of apology ? That because you are in love you let every mistake just slide and be shoved under the rug? No mention of sorry's and I forgive you's?

Could we really live like that? Free to say whatever we want, do whatever we want whenever we please without worrying if we offended or hurt the person we love?

I disagree, strongly I might add.

Although, according to some people, sorry might be the most worthless word in the english dictionary, I still believe that this five letter word is as powerful as the four letter word we so revere, love.

It is after the fact, I know. You've already hurt someone, you've already messed up, there is nothing left to do that would change what you already did, so what does apologizing do, really?

It makes the pain a little bearable. Knowing that it wasn't intentional, that it was never planned eases the ache just a little bit. In the grand scheme of things it may not really change what happened but in that instant at least the person you wronged would be able to see how much you were hurting too. That if there was a way to change everything you would've done just about anything. It's not enough, sure, but at least you are trying as much as you could.

So what did Jenny mean then?

I think what she meant was that love means never ever regretting anything you did because of it. Never regret the sacrifices you had to make. Never regret the pain you had to endure since it led you to the happiness that love brings. Never regret the struggles for it made you stronger. Never regret the tears, it made you appreciate laughter. Anything you do that was driven by pure love should be celebrated not regretted.

And if it ultimately ends for you, if it failed to work out, regret only that it ended and not that it even started. Not all love stories are written in stars, some end in disaster but when you were in love in the beginning, in the middle and right before its demise you were happy. It might not have ended as you planned but atleast now you are more equipped to face love again.

Regret is a strong word. For me it means that you want to forget what happened. Erase it from your memory, like what the couple in the movie "Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" tried to do. Cover the pain, forget the sadness, not relieve the bad things. In doing so you are ultimately ruining your experience. You cannot remember happiness if you've never had loneliness, Joy would not be as sweet if not for pain and triumph would not be well celebrated if not for the heartaches.

So when you love, when you truly love, savor each moment, the good and yes, the bad, for without either one the experience is not complete. Never ever be sorry for what you've done, what you are doing and what you will be doing for the person you love. . . that's what really matters in the end, that you gave it your all and you lived without a single regret.

"I think it is time I let you go, and that is so hard to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life, but the daydreaming, the running in place .. it's not healthy. So this is me, cutting the cord. This is me, doing what I should have done months ago ... saying goodbye."



Here's the dream. . . I will meet the love of my life, I will get to know her, court her, she'll love me back, and although our life will be filled with ups and downs, as most life is, we will make it, we will hold on and we will live mostly happily ever after. That's the plan, my dream. Nowhere in there was a part when I will let you go, walk away, say goodbye. . .


That's how it was supposed to be. That's how everything played on my mind. On my carefully planned life you are my first and you should also be my last. Now it doesn't have to be too cut and dried, I was open to a few bumps on the road. I knew nothing runs that smoothly and I was in for quite a tough ride but I always thought that I would get past that, we would always get past that and just move on stronger, that's how it should be, right?


Then why 6 years later I'm still running in circles?


I have met the love of my life, I got to know her, I've courted her, she had loved me, we have been through the highs and lows, we have struggled and although we were supposed to hang tough it broke us. It was not supposed to play that way, we were supposed to weather the storm. I thought that this would be one of the struggles we should have to face for a little while then we will find each other again like we were supposed to, years later I'm still waiting for the lows to end, I don't think it would though, not this time.


Still I tried to hang on, tell myself that this is all part of the dream, that the greater the struggle the better the outcome. This was just a phase, I'll find you again, you'll see, and we'll both be better for it. I never predicted that better would turn to a bitter ending.


And it has, hasn't it? Turned bitter, and painful. The saga that was supposed to end brightly doesn't seem to have the ending I envisioned. No pats on our back for being strong enough to make it, no rewards for doing a great job hanging tough, no hugs that might mend some of the pain, no words of love, no hopeful smiles, just battle weary minds with pain filled eyes greated us at the finish line.


What happened to us? I have been asking that question over and over. I've replayed each scene, analyzed every move, mulled over every decision and still I have no answer. Except for the one thing that I never want to admit, never even wanna cross my mind. It can't be the answer, it shouldn't be. . . but I now know that it probably is. . .


Maybe we just weren't meant to be. Maybe somewhere along the way I did something wrong, you made a mistake, we both made a wrong turn and lost our way. Maybe I tried too hard. Maybe all I could do, all I could give was not enough. Maybe I wasn't enough. Maybe we were doomed from the start and I just couldn't face it. And the one reason that I never ever want to have to admit to. . . maybe you weren't the love of my life? Maybe you were destined for someone else and all I did was got in the way?


What do I do then?


Probably the only thing that's left to do. What I should've done months ago. What I've been putting off, what I've been dreading, what I never would've thought I would do. . .


Let go. . .


Walk away. . .


Cut my losses. . .


Give up. . .


Say goodbye. . .


It still doesn't seem real. I still can't picture myself doing this. I have loved you for a long time and I probably would love you all my life so you could just imagine how hard this is for me. I mean, I never even saw myself doing this, walking away from you. I can't help feeling as if I'm betraying you right now, giving up on you, something I said I'd never do. But you and I know that sooner or later I have to.


Because if I don't. . . I'll be stuck here. I'll be relieving the memories and hoping that someday my luck would change. We would be right for each other and again I would hope, then the cycle begins again.


I can't live like that anymore. I just can't. So I'm saying goodbye to you now. Cleansing my soul. I might feel empty for a little while but at least I can now allow someone else to come in. You'll be better for it, trust me, and I'll be better for it too. Just not right now, not yet. Soon though, I hope


So goodbye my friend, my sometimes nemesis, my dream, my one time love. Who knows, in another lifetime we might meet again and then finish what we started. I know I'll miss you. . . I already do. . .

. . .make me a story book. . .
write me away from here. . .
i need a different now. . .

6:30 pm I wake up, prepare for work, bathe, eat, try to catch some of the news on tv, leave.

8 pm I get to the office, log on to my pc, put on my headset and start my shift. Within that shift I take 2 15-minute breaks and a 1 hour "lunch". I take calls, surf the net, talk with my peers, read.

5 am, my shift ends, time to go back home. I turn off my pc, put my stuff in my locker, have my bag inspected, ride the jeep, then the bus, and another jeep. Home at last

Around 7 am. I'm home again. I eat breakfast, play trivia on my computer, watch dvds, sometimes read, prepare for bed, sleep

My alarm goes off. . . 6:30 again and my day starts. . .

This is my life.

Boring.
Routine.
Mind-numbing.
Predictable.

Sometimes I wanna scream.

It's like watching the same show over and over. I've memorized the lines, I know what will happen next I just wanna grab the remote and switch channels. Anything other than the one I'm watching right now. Except that the remote is broken and there's no way to fix it. I'm supposed to be the director of my life and yet right now I'm a helpless spectator, I cannot even boo myself.

It's like I'm in a dream and I wanna wake up now but I can't. I'm trapped in this scene playing over and over I just want it to stop. I just don't have any idea how.

The monotony is killing me. I need something new. A change, someone to change my over boring existence. I wanna be surprised, I want someone to surprise me. Someone to take me away from all this predictability. I want to not know what will happen next, I want to guess my outcome I don't want to just lie and wait for the inevitable.

My now is so bleak and lonely. So depressing. Not even a sliver of excitement, an ounce of mirth. I am so tired of repeating the same routine, I am exhausted to wake up each day knowing that again, everything's unchanged.

I need to feel something, anything other than defeat. I wanna be eager to arise each day and begin as if I had a purpose. I need to wake up and look forward to another day where I might be able to find you, see you, be with you. I need to know that that day would come. I need to know that you would be waiting for me eager to discover me as I am so eager to discover you as well. I need to remain hopeful, that someday my now would include you. And that someday I will be happy again. I need to believe it could happen. I need you to tell me it could. . . please. . .

let me feel
i don't care if i break down
let me fall
even if i hit the ground
and if i, cry a little, die a little. . .
at least i know i lived. . . just a little


These are a few lines from Bethany Joy Galeotti's song Let me Fall. For the longest time these has been a frequent shoutout of mine and also my IM status message. If you listen to the whole song it's pretty good, but everytime it gets to this part I always feel a distinct ache in my chest.

Just six little lines yet it sums up my lifetime plea

Let me feel. . .
No, I'm not numb, the opposite really. Pain, joy, sorrow, excitement and lately loneliness. Yep, a lot lonelier these days. I haven't felt excitement paricularly love recently. Not my choice . Just that I've been in the dumps more than usual. I'll get over this lonely phase. Soon enough I hope.

I dont care if I break down.
A little desperate, maybe. But really, to feel alive again, even if it meant breaking down afterward, I'd give anything for that.

Let me fall. . .
Not that I'm asking to fall down but rather to fall for someone. Deeply, recklessly, swiftly. Without thought, I have this mistake of over thinking sometimes and for once I just want to fall, and hopefully someone catches me. But if not. . .

even if i hit the ground. . .
I'll take that too. I'd rather fall flat on my face bloodied than safely cruising along. I'm not a masochist, if I had a choice of course I would definitely choose to not get hurt. But there really are no guarantees. I should just leap. . .

and if I cry a little, die a little. . .
I take a leap, I float a bit and if I'm lucky someone will catch me. Someone will hold me up and help me soar some more. Someone will hold me close, keep me safe, let me feel that the risk was well worth it. And if it doesn't end well. . . if I fall alone. . .

at least i know i lived. . . just a little
At least for a little while I flew. I felt invincible. I can do anything, be anyone, be fearless. The landing may not have been what I planned, what I hoped for, but for a little while I was free. It may not have lasted long but at least I've had a taste of what it feels like to be alive. To live for the moment. Uncaring. I just want to be, for once, spectacular. For a moment have a little taste of heaven a small glimpse of paradise before I become ordinary again. I would've wanted to stay there forever but if I can't, at least for a moment I was whole. If I shatter the very next day I would at least have this moment to go back to. To visit when it gets too lonely. To reminisce when it gets too cold.

If I could just have a moment. . .

Chief: Can I cut in? (Brian walks away looking really scared, Camille laughs) 

Camille: What did you say to my boyfr

iend to make him that scared of you? 

Chief: I'm a frightening man, Cammie. 

Camille: No, you're not. 

Chief: Where Brian’s concerned, yes I am. 

Camille: Be kind to him. He loves me. I've been loved. And that's something everyone should have, once in their life. I've been loved. Thank you for the prom, Uncle Richard.

Chief: You're welcome.

This was a conversation between Seattle Grace's chief of surgery, Richard, and his dying niece, Camille. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer since she was 14 years old and now at 17 time is running out she only had a few months to live. It was a touching scene, more touching was the line I had higlighted. I've been loved. And that's something everyone should have, once in their life. I've been loved.

Now, can everyone say the same thing? When I leave this life, can I honestly say that I have been loved? I've been thinking about the answer to that one for a couple of weeks now, and it saddens me that my answer would have to be a big fat NO.

 Well, let me clarify that one. I have been loved, by parents, siblings, other relatives, friends and a few pets - I'm not a total loser you know. However, I don't think this is the type of love Camille spoke of. I think what she was describing was the romantic kind, the toe curling, mind numbing, sometimes-heart-wrenching love that is the stuff of legends and tragedies alike. The kind that always eludes us and yet we still try most our lives to even get a glimpse of. The kind who could either complete us or leave us empty. The kind that either makes us or breaks us. The kind that either makes us better people or totally ruins us. The kind that either makes us bold and fearless or turns us into cowards afraid of our own shadow. I have been on the other side though, I have loved. I have taken the heart of someone and promised to take care of it as much as I possibly can. I believe this is the easy part. Loving someone is not the scary part, it is the liberating part. Waiting for someone to love you back. . . now that scares the hell out of me.

Falling in love, for me, is a no brainer, you don't even have to make an effort, no trick to it, no instruction manual needed, you just go through your routine then suddenly you fall. And do not make the mistake of thinking you had any choice regarding this, you don't get to choose who you fall for, you just kind of do. Making someone fall for you, that's the hardest part. Can we even do that? Are we even capable of doing that?

I mean, we can try, I have tried, 28 years and I'm still trying, nothing's happening though. I have given till I don't have anything left to give. I have pushed and pulled till I was too tired to even think. I have held on till there was nothing more to do but give up. I have haggled and debated till there were no more words left to utter. I have fought till I no longer have any fight left in me. And still nothing. . . 

Now I realize that probably I have been doing it all wrong. I said falling in love takes no effort at all. No words, no movements, no thoughts. . . you just fall. Now I realize that after you fall the only thing left to do is wait for whomever you fell for to fall for you as well. No amount of tears or work or care or love would make them move an inch and take the plunge with you. All you can do is give them time. . . wait for them to fall too. Now this is tricky. Because them falling does not assure that they'll fall for you.

Told you this is the hardest part didn't I? Probably it's because it's not up to you. None of it is. You just wait. And yeah, hope. It's depressing, I know. You feel helpless. Now will the wait be worth it? I'm not really sure, like I said I haven't been loved, so I can't really tell. Like everyone else I'm still waiting. . .