ON LETTING YOU GO

I woke up and saw the room as it was before. The books are still in place, the chair is still facing towards the foot of the bed, the puppies are sleeping soundlessly on my leg, the AC is going and the windows are still bland with the early morning atmosphere.

But my heart is beating fast; my head spinning with unvoiced thoughts, my chest is heaving in downright pain and agony. Everything has changed and I cannot deny that fact. My whole being is a testimony to it.

Slowly, I reach for you lying beside me. I want to feel secure once more, to feel needed, like how I used to need your embrace each morning and know that I’ll be alright for at least another day. I find you and yet you don’t feel the same. My hand doesn’t wander anymore, trying to look for that familiar sensation of you clutching my hand too and soothing me, assuring me.

A tear fell from my eye, slowly tracing the edges of my face, the sensation of its path making me think about the way you touched my face before. How you casually outlined my silhouette and whispered to me how much you loved me. That doesn’t happen anymore. It’s more of like an overplayed cassette tape that has gone out of date.

I sob and choke myself to tears, hoping against hope that you won’t wake up and find me in this state. I love you but things have changed, I have changed. I have been different for a long time. In fact, it would be more accurate to say that I was never the person you wanted me to be, never the complete set you bargained for. I was messed up when you met me, I was never whole to start with, how could I be everything you wanted and needed? How could I give anything worth something? I am doomed to fail you and I found out just now, after 5 long years. I just found that out now. I failed you, once again. I'm sorry.

For the longest time, you have been my ally, my family, my best friend, my safe-keeper, my liberation, my life. You were the only one who stood up for me and fought beside me head on to the battle we call life. You were my lifeline. You armed me with bullets and ammunition to get me ready for whatever awaits. We have prepared so much and we have made a lot of things work our way but none would have prepared me for realizing I have nothing to give in return. That I was not the person you pledged for. That I was not who you think I was.

Before I met you, I have risked facing my life on my own. I took off towards the east, leaving everything and taking nothing but my army of guts and a legion of boldness, aware that I will acquire a number of wounds and I will be my own medic. I was on the brink of losing it when you came along, all wounded too from your most recent bloodshed. We scooped each other up and decided to face the remnants of our life together. We were a team. We hated and loved each other to the core. Nonetheless, our team made it through.

However, only during the deep calm sleeps do I face my own real battles. My inner mayhem.

It never ends. The restlessness, the disturbances and agitation my decisions have left me. They haunt me day in and day out.

I know no matter how many accomplishments we make together, I have never proven to myself that I can do it on my own and it’s not enough. At the start of my journey, I wanted this, the clincher, the trophy, the only attestment to my conquest. That I have done it on my own.

Like you said, my weakness is I am never contented. I dream and always look for things that will keep me afloat. You’re right. I am a dreamer and I have a lot of plans, ones that included you… but practically speaking I wanted them on my own. I am a selfish bastard and I am so sorry.

Yet, you wake up and look for me first thing. You find me looking out of the window in the rain, heaving a deep sigh and I smile at you. My face is still lined with whatever tears leave when they go. You wipe them away and hold my hand. You said you love me and although it hurts, you will let me go. Just like that, you will let me go… because I am more important to you than anyone else in the world.

I break down and tell you my endless umbrage with the life we chose… I chose for myself. Of all people, you are the only one I know will understand me. You always do.

You hold me for a good 5 minutes, each minute a representation of each year we were together and I let my tears flow freely now. I want them out, I need them out.

But I’m keeping you in. You are still my lifeline. I will be letting you go, so as not to keep you down with my troubles too, but I will be staying put. I’m not moving forward without you. I will bring you anywhere my feet will take me. I will leave everything again, but this time I am taking you, and everything you are about, with me. You may not realize it but you are my everything too. I will never leave you, even if I am thousands of miles away from you. I will now be moving further east.


In the end, you still make things easier for me. Thank you for letting me go.




Music in my background
Gravity by Sara Bareilles
jblanqueza

thrust and parry. . .

you point
out the dilemmas
i give you
your options

you tell
me your worries,
what stops
you from jumping
and taking
it all in,
i try and
give you
some of my courage
(which i got
from you in the
first place, you just
wouldn't believe it)

you enumerate
all that could
possibly go wrong
i urge you
to enjoy the
moment, nothing
is perfect, eventually
things won't go
our way, we will
deal with them
as they come
whatever good we
have right now,
can we dwell
on them a bit longer?

you wanna be
serious, i try
and find humor
in even the
most somber stuff,
it is not
to patronize you
or belittle
your worries, i
realize they are real
i just don't
want the mood
to be all dreary
balance, you say
well that's how
it works love

i love you. . .

even when
it's complicated,
even when
it's inconvenient,
even if
it sometimes
would hurt

have a little faith,
we will need it

But I’m keeping you in. You are still my lifeline. I will be letting you go, so as not to keep you down with my troubles too, but I will be staying put. I’m not moving forward without you. I will bring you anywhere my feet will take me. I will leave everything again, but this time I am taking you, and everything you are about, with me. You may not realize it but you are my everything too. I will never leave you, even if I am thousands of miles away from you.


your words broke my heart.

not that they were written for somebody else. although, i will not be a hypocrite, i must admit it kinda stung. i wanted to be all that she was, all that she probably still is. your lifeline. the one who pulls you up whenever everything else brings you down. when you go i want to be the one you take with you. i want to be the reason you would choose to go back. i want me to be the one you think of. i want my memory to be the one that keeps you up at night. i want to be the voice inside your head. i want my taste, my scent, the feel of me filling you. i want to be your everything. . .

but this is not about me.

it's about you and the hard decision you had to make.

5 years is a long time. i have lamented on some relationships that lasted a few months. i can only imagine what this is doing to you. it probably is killing you. you hate goodbyes too. especially long drawn out ones like the one you are going through right now. you told me once that you are a runner. you sever ties quickly, you move on swiftly. you try not to hold on to people, if they wanna leave you just let them. this scenario is so much different than what you are used to. this is something that you cannot avoid. you have to face this, alone. this is between you and her. . .

only it isn't.

our lives are inexplicably intertwined. yours, hers and mine. i end where she begins. where i start, she stops. you are the only constant. i am sorry we are pulling you in all directions. it probably is so exhausting. but i can't lose you. not again.

trying to close a chapter of your life is hard, she is not a mere chapter, she is multiple volumes, this probably is the toughest thing you ever had to do. yet you are willing to do that for me. thank you love.

she was your life. a huge part of you would always be for her. one sixth of your existence was spent being with her, living for her. the most painful times of your life, she was the one there for you. she loves you, more than anything and for a time you felt the same way. your history would always include her. i would always envy her, the moments i failed to be a part of. what she is to you, your bestfriend, your ally, your family, your safe-keeper, your liberation. what she will always mean to you. . .

she has shaped you, partly. the person you are is in some way her doing. she took care of you, made you feel loved, gave you her all. in a way you are you due to her. i would always be grateful to her because of that.

i may never fully understand the bond you two had, still have, but i will try and be okay with it.

i do not doubt that you love me. what i am afraid of is if i will ever be able to show you love as much as she has. i will do what i can though. i won't replace her, she is irreplaceable, all i can do is hope i can somehow finish what she started.

i promise i'll do my damnest.

Two months. Two Years. Same Difference.

You’re looking out the window of the car as the traffic went by us. The city lights are aglow and alive, ready to take on whoever is ready to take them. I blabber about everything I plan to do when I get to where I am going, the things I’m going to see and buy, and the people I’m going to meet. My excitement is oozing out of me like blood from my veins.

And like venom into yours.

First time I realized it, you were gone. Two years have passed since I felt something missing, something has terribly gone wrong. It should have been earlier. Like when you first knocked on my heart’s door. Sadly I was blinded by a big rock right by my passing a “be careful falling debris” sign on my way to you. I stumble and fumble like the crazy fuss I am, my mug rolling towards you. You go pick it up and hand it to me. I say my apologies as you coolly pass it off as “nah, no worries”, something like that. And you move on.

While I was busy studying for an important demo, a little bird told me that you were something else. Something I might wanna notice. I refused to do just that. I refused everything. Even when we were introduced and even when you have become my clandestine partner from the entire hullabaloo I savagely dived in, I was oblivious. Strung out. Distracted. Downright stupid. Each time you held your hand to pull me out, I took it but I let go just as easily too. You didn’t have a hold on me, literally.

Or so I thought.

Our meaningless chats and small talks have been surrounded by deep, heavy controversies within me for the last couple of months. I can’t help but breathe in heavily at the thought of all the wasted time, burdened by the thought that I might have really lost you.

Slowly, painfully I realized what I have been missing. And what must be the most poignant of all realizations was when I remembered how I let it go… just like that. Through sms. Frigging technology! Pfft! Kaput! And it’s gone.


You were gone. It was you. Dang! What I have been missing. I was a shitload of stupidity personified.

Calmly and confidently, I scrutinized the limited proof of you still being alive on the site. With heavy fingers, I clicked it ---> Add as a friend. Do I really wanna be a friend now? Really?!


I fiddled about, hoping you might have forgotten the sms I sent you. It was long gone. The darned mobile I used isn't even with me anymore.

Next day I was approved. Left a note and you replied back. One thing led to another and I knew, the moment you said that I still had this way with words (which felt exactly the way it should), I knew the long burnt flame wasn’t out. It’s up to me now to turn things around and make you stay, follow your pace, lay a firm grip on the present, stall you, keep you…

And I will. Remember that.

The whole month was a whirlwind of craziness and risks. I planned to make things as smooth as possible, but to us, smooth is never an operative word. You, alone, would probably do, what with all your luckiness. But if you include me in your life, that word may as well never exist. I jolt the life out of you. I make everything such a mess, it’s hard to see things straight again.

Yet you still love me. You still make me a major part of your world despite me begging you not to… because I know, almost certain, that I will fail. I have done so multiple times in the past. What makes it different now? I know. Because it’s you. You and your lucky charm, your easy dealings with Universe that shoot my panic attacks down to death.

I love you. More than anything now. More than you think. I’m sure it’s more than what I even think. I loved you since the day you knocked on my heart's door, offering its splendor of things good and bad, I just didn’t know it. I loved you again when I realized it just over a month ago, two years later, when I knew what was missing, what was holding me back from feeling again. The loud shatter of my walls have echoed endlessly throughout the realization phase and was just bits and pieces as I walk across the debris, holding hands with you, feeling the useless point of those walls. Feeling, no longer thinking.

I will love you, even as I wander across a foreign land, knowing in my heart that I took the risk, that I’m taking it, and that I will take it over and over again for you.

So please, stop looking out and let’s not waste time, precious time. Every minute wasted is a lifetime without you. Or me. I will not waste it looking out, when I have you beside me. Please make my dreams what they are. I will try to make your dream what they should be too.

Thanks to that little bird who cannot be discreet, he just had to tell on everyone huh?!


Saffronbox / Jhing

it already sunk in
with a loud
thud, reverberating
falling down, down,
further down
i am trying
hard to ignore it
but it won't let me. . .

two years,
not that long, eh?
it will pass
really quickly,
i might not even
notice. . .

yeah right.

that's two christmases,
two new year's days,
two birthdays,
two anniversaries,
twentyfour months,
seven hundred thirty evenings
i won't spend
sleeping right
next to you,
seven hundred thirty mornings
not waking up
beside you,
a multitude of smiles
i won't get to see,
countless hugs,
undefined amount of kisses,
how many tears
will i won't get
to wipe away?
how many sighs?
how many chances
to hold your hand
will i miss?

just this one time
i wanna be selfish
and beg you to stay,
but i know i can't,
i shouldn't
it's your shot,
your chance at a
dream you've always
chased after. . .

ten years from now,
i do not wanna be
the one burdened
with the guilt that
you did not take it,
i do not want
to be that person

i promised to
not attempt at
holding you back,
and so i won't

you are free love, go and dream love

bed feels empty,
now that i have
known what it
feels to finally
have you lie
next to me
it feels so
cold without
you, freezing,
like i was
left out in
a raging storm
or a powerful
blizzard. . .

you used to
wake up at
odd hours
just to tell
me you were
sorry for
falling asleep,
i keep expecting
my phone to beep
or ring
or both and
see a message
you have left,
i love it when
you do that. . .

dinners are
never the same
if i don't
have you to
share them with,
i look forward
to your stories,
to anecdotes
about how your
day went, who
you saw, the
conversations
you have had
the lady in
the elavator
who bumped you,
the simple stuff,
i feel as if
i was there
with you too,
i wish i were. . .

letting go of
the hand that
grips mine so tightly
is becoming harder
and harder each day,
i hope i can
hold on to it
all the time and
not just partly

you said soon. . .
i'm gonna hold you to that alright?

You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea. . .

i broke you,
wide open
i can still
remember the
look on your face,
was it disappointment?
i do not
really know
i only felt
your sadness,
the worry, the
guilt, yet again,
i am so sorry

i pushed too hard,
demanded too much,
i see a line
i cross it,
you tell me
your boundaries
i try and
extend it
you tell me
what you can do,
i ask for more

for a while
there i forgot
we had limits. . .

the rules
were clear,
you live by them,
i try to bend
all i can
and it is killing you,
but that's who i am
so what do
we do now?

i guess i would
just have to
take a step back,
listen to what
you have been
telling me the
whole time,

i should not
get used to you
always being there,
cause in reality,
you really can't. . .

so i wouldn't
have to shatter,
and you wouldn't
have to break some more

i have to never forget that.

one
two
three

breathe love,
close your eyes
and imagine rainbows
and puppies
and small children
with ice cream
smeared on their
innocent faces
think about
cool breezes,
snow, arctic
long cold showers. . .

hold on. . .
do not let
go yet
just feel me
i just want
a taste
a nip
a bite
a small sip
you are meant
to be savored
not devoured
delicately,
artfully

temptress,
do not give
in yet
i'll let you
come ever so close
and i'll pull back,
give you a
minute to
try and gain
control just
to watch you
lose every ounce
of it again. . .

ah. . .
the game we
play is such
a dangerous one

don't worry love,
it will be great, i promise. . .

your dreams. . .

if i have
to pick one
it would most
definitely be yours, love
i am rooting
for you to
get what you want
no matter the cost
you should grab it
with both hands
you can't if
i hold one. . .

i won't hold
you back
like i said,
if you have to
you must
i won't stand
in your way
if you have to leave
i should let you go

all i want
is to see you happy,
for once, i
need you to
choose you
be the lead
in the story
you've created
it's okay,
i won't go anywhere . . .

i'll wait
for as long as
i can hang on,
i'll be here

and if
somewhere along
the way we
lose each other,
if somehow we fail
to get back together,
if tempting fate
causes it to
frown upon us,
i'll take that risk . . .

do not worry about me, love
i am much braver than you think

girlfriend,

you are not okay.
i feel it.
in the subtle differences most would not even notice.
you have grown quiet.
i do not like your silence.
it usually means you are trying to solve
the world's crisis all on your own.
it's brave, but not very practical.
and you scream practicality, it's your mantra.
you are clamming up. . .
again.

i know sometimes you feel as if the world is closing in on you,
or universe is mocking you
like everything is a mess
or there's no way out. . .

you come to me.
okay?
when you get to this point, you come to me.
i may not always have an answer,
i probably won't know what to do too,
but at least you get to get it off your chest.
i'm gonna listen, i promise
and if you cry (iyakin ka eh), i'll wipe your tears
and try my darnest to make you smile, even just a bit,
if i can't, then i'll just hold you
so you would know you are not alone.

you won't be.
not anymore.
okay?

so, what is wrong love?

play me a song, your newest one
please leave your taste on my tongue. . .

and leave
you did. . .

it's all
i can
think about,
like my brain
stood frozen,
(if your intention
is to stump me,
right on!!! hahaha)
my heart is
still racin'
can't breathe, love
you took my
air and left
me dazed

till now, my
skin smells of you,
my hand reaches
to you
my lips cry
out for you
butterflies in
my stomach
are not fluttering,
they are flinging
themselves mercilessly,
as if in a trance,
delirious, i guess

miles away
and i'm still
trembling. . .

you still
do not know
the effect
you have on
me, do you?

but then i have
to let you walk
away again. . .

ahhhh, sweet, sweet, agony

till i see you again love,
cannot wait to see again, love
=)

i would've
still picked you. . .

if you came
a wee bit later,
just when
someone else
already holds
my hand,
a different
person sits
right next
to me, her
head on my
shoulder, leaning
against me

someone else
causes me to smile,
a different scent
fills my head
her touch
is what sends
me shivering
if what i hear
is her whispering
and what i taste
are her lips,
lingering

had you
walked in
at that exact
moment, when
life started
moving again,
away from where
you were,
what would've happened?

i stared at
other's eyes,
yet i still
searched for yours
or a semblance
of who you are
hidden somewhere
in those depths

yeah, anyone else
might've made me
shiver yet nobody
could make my
heart race as
the mere sight
of you ever did
you have a hold
on me, a mastery
of me, nobody
could learn,
or bothered
to know about

no one could
break me and put
me back together
again with just
one line

you were my standard,
everyone else had to
contend with what
you were for me,
nobody could measure up,
no one ever tried. . .

for once, i guess universe was on your side (hahahaha)

the lovely
petals of
a rosebud
won't budge
and they won't
bloom if
not for time. . .

the sparkling
diamond is
but a lump
of coal
if not for
pressure, extreme
temperature
and yeah, time

an unripened fruit
(we'll use this since
you seem to love
this metaphor so much)
would remain
tangy, sour
however lush it
may look on the outside
it still won't
taste as sweet
not without time

even the exotic butterfly
won't be as beautiful
if not for time. . .

but we are not
flowers or fruits
or gemstones

our lives are
more complicated
more intricate
less rigid
we do not follow
a pattern we make
our own

a time for
everything
and everything
in its time,
patience is
indeed a virtue. . .

however, i say
cease the day
we've waited long enough
wasted too much
let so many things
just slip by us,
i can't afford to
let go some more. . .

i'm sorry love,
i can't back down
not anymore, okay?

so what happens now?

i saw the
look in your eyes
it flashed as
sudden as it left. . .

the guilt,
the confusion,
the torn expression,
the bewilderment

i recognize it,
i've seen that
same look
not too long ago

inner turmoil,
pain not voiced,
i had to move
my stare elsewhere,

so you won't see. . .

that i went pale,
that the smile
pasted on my lips
was nothing but bare

it's all too familiar,
i remember it
like it were
a few minutes ago

are we back to that?

i hope not. . .

still i can't help
but hold on to you
and breathe in all i can of you
as if it were my last. . .

i should be sleeping now.
you asked me to go to bed now and i shut down my laptop.
i can't keep my eyes open and my yawns are chasing each other.
i couldn't let today pass though, without atleast
trying to write something.
not today, of all days. . .

i love you. . .

you caught me by surprise.
my heart almost leapt out of my chest.
i was wide awake at almost four am
wondering if universe is playing tricks on me.
more than two years.
i have waited for more than two long years.
i never expected to hear you say them
i was happy knowing that you might have
thought about saying something close enough,
i wasn't prepared for what happened next. . .

i am beyond falling, i have fallen long ago, i just did not realize it until right this very moment --- your exact words.

did i tell you how happy you made me then?
was i able to describe how the years seemed to fall away, they failed
to matter anymore, those moments in between losing and finding you again.
all my focus shifted to what you were telling me then,
how you felt all too empty, until we were finally together.
i went still, i did not want to move, i even tried holding my breath
for fear that any sudden movement would tip the scales
and unsettle everything . . .

that was exactly a month ago.
when you came back and changed my life once more.
i do not know if or when the mood would change, it might, i'm hoping it wouldn't

in the event that, like everything else, this too is temporary,
no worries love.
i've had a month.
it might not be as long as what i have planned, what i would've wanted.
but it would be longer than what most people get.

lifetimes can be lived in a single day.

a month won't be too bad right?

i love you mine.
here's to one month. . .

and here's to hoping we could add a few decades more =)

i wake up
as soon as
i know you
are already up
even if i
only slept
a few hours ago
i make an effort
to be there
everytime you
call, all the
time you need me
so i know
you would not
feel too lonely. . .

i tell you
i miss you
countless times
i know it
can be annoying
but i say
it anyway
so you know
i never fail
to think about you

i hug you,
i hold your hand
i tuck your hair back,
i trace your face
with my fingertips
i breathe in
your scent,
so you feel
that i can't
get enough of you

i tell you
i love you
every chance i get
i whisper the words
in your ear,
i include it
in all i write
so you would
be reminded
that you are
indeed loved

these are not to pressure you,
i am not asking for you to do the same,
my purpose is to let you get used to them. . .

yeah,
so it would be close to impossible
for you to even think of letting me go. . .

you made it back to sleep again
wonder what you're dreaming. . .

chocolates?
dark, rich,
creamy, all too sweet
you just can't
get enough of

your fill
of books?
anything you
can think of
whole volumes,
pages upon pages
that would consume you

great adventures?
the thrill,
the exhilaration,
the sense of pride
in conquering
whatever excites you

the beach?
quiet walks
the colors
spilled across the sky
as the sun moves
up or comes down
the tranquil waters,
the rushing waves

silence?
of just lying there
contented, relaxed,
no worries,
carefree, calm

or do you dream of me?

do i even exist
in your fantasy?
when you make up
a world you view
as almost perfect
am i a part of that?

it really doesn't matter to me, you know?
where you go when you sleep
just as long as when you wake up,
i'm the first one you look for. . .

they can have your make believe world,
but your reality. . .

is mine, all mine

lesbians are immoral.

i was taken aback by this statement. yeah it's strong, but does it have any basis?

of or concerned with the judgment of the goodness or badness of human action and character. i consulted trusty google for the definition, this was the first one i got. judgment. now that's a word.

i do not know if there is anything more subjective than the word judgment. it implies a person's own idea. his opinion. his perception on how things were, how they are and how they should be. you can rely on facts, you can base it on history or experience you can also draw from what you have observed. ultimately though, whatever you have decided on will be a product of your personal assessment. everyone has his or her own biases. nobody can be perfectly neutral at any and every point. preferences are a given. something as simple as a color you like more can figure greatly in a decision you have to make (apartheid, ring any bell?).

so what am i saying?

the age old debate on morality have withstood the test of time. it is still as alive as it was when it was first brought up. nobody is backing down. moralists have their own code, a set of standards that every act is subjected to before they consider it just. the people on the other side of the fence, who they call "immoral" , also have their own version of what is fair, what is right. if you study the definition, it would imply that not one of them is incorrect.

morality, if we are going to strictly follow its definition, pertains to what we, as individuals, view as right or wrong or fair or unjust. it is not uncommon for a large group of people to have the same views, that is fine, the problem begins when this group insists that what they think is better or more correct than what a smaller group does. something does not automatically become right just because almost everyone thinks it is, the same way that an act should not be automatically termed wrong just because only a few people think it's right.

we each have a different opinion on a lot of stuff. that is alright. it is so much better than everyone thinking alike, like robots, programmed. yeah discussions are bound to happen, that is quite normal. what is not acceptable for me though is that a whole bunch of people are trying to shove their beliefs on every other individual they can find who are opposing theirs. just because you are the majority, it does not mean that you have the license to ram your ideas on the minority's throat.

in politics we have this term "tyranny of the majority", it means that since almost everything is decided through a majority's vote it could lead to the minority losing it's voice. the powerful majority could very well crush whoever questions them. it would either be their way, or the highway. fair?

whatever happened to the concept live and let live?

we can be the masters of our lives. do what we wanna do, be who we want to be. the only thing we are asked in return is to allow other people to be able to do the same thing, live as they want to live.

if respect is too much to ask, can't the masses just be apathetic then? if acceptance is much more impossible than achieving world peace, can't they just leave us alone? if understanding is something unintelligible to them, why can't they just allow us to be who we are and not ask us to explain why we are.

so who should define moral?

should they? should we?

maybe no one really needs to.

sometimes bombs
fall quietly. . .

no banners
no signs
no warnings
no hints

it creeps up
on you
and holds
you hostage

no sense
in resisting
you are hooked
from the get go

it will warm
you from
the inside out
like taking
a sip of
aged brandy
it gives
you a sudden kick
and leaves you
wanting more. . .

more buzz,
more light headedness
it's kinda addicting,
the need,
the giving,
the taking

the best way to fall in love
is when you least expect it. . .

soundless, yet it blows you away,
just the same. . .

tick, tock. . .
clock strikes
eight and
we are in
a mad rush
the wild
dash starts
all flushed
and feverish
we run like
crazy, we have
a deadline to meet,
a curfew if
you must
we have a
ride to catch
hurry, hurry. . .

not that
i do not
see the effort
you throw
into this,
i do, i know,
it's hard
for you too
but you give
it as much
as you can
all you can offer

don't worry love

one fine day
there won't be
a need to
look over
your shoulders,
no reason to
invent lies,
no half truths,
no explanations

one fine day
you can love
without any guilt,
we'll throw away
your watch, time
will stand still,
even if it moves
we would not
need to care. . .

time will play on our side of the bench
one of these very ordinary days. . .

the heavens wept. . .

it started
with just
a gentle drizzle,
as if sending
a tiny reprieve
to the almost
punishing heat
just to cool
us down, allow
us a welcome
change from the
sweltering sun
the parched earth
was suddenly singing,
thanking whomever
for the brief
respite. . .

the wind had
other plans though,
it blew vigorously,
the once rythmic
pitter patter
turned violent,
the light spray
replaced by a
steady beating downpour,
as if in anger,
the pelts started
falling heavily,
without warning,
trying to keep
you from leaving,
it was like
watching a classic
battle of wits,
it was the rain
against your need
to walk away. . .

you stood your ground. . .

for a bit
it looked as
if you might
back down and
just let the
skies win,
hold you back,
but then you
stared at it
straight in the eye
and dared it
to stop. . .

stop it did
as if in quiet
surrender,
it gave in
suddenly everything
went still. . .
now you are free
to return to
wherever it is
you chose to
come home to

even the rain knew
she is no match for you. . .

the way
you say my name
like an oath,
whispered pray'r

how you
force me
to look straight
into your eyes
and not be afraid

the way you
touch me, lightly,
gently, as though
i might break,
i won't, you know

soft, warm
feathery, how
you place a kiss
on my cheek
carefully, like
a breeze

your scent
engulfs me
enslaves me
to someone
almost drowning,
it's like
coming up for air. . .

i miss you,
i miss everything about you. . .

hurry home please

BLISS

Your touch is electric
I felt it the first time you held me
The way we connected
So easily
I've tried to define it
Searched for the perfect phrase
I've tried to describe it
In a million different ways

It's joy, it's ecstasy, it's truth it's destiny
And even love is not enough
To tell you how you make me feel
There's only one word for this

I've got to admit it
You took my heart by surprise
Don't know how you did it
But baby, I've never felt so alive
I already know what the future holds
As long as you are here with me

It's joy, it's ecstasy, it's truth, it's destiny
And even love is not enough
To tell you how you make me feel
It's faith, it's honesty, it's life, it's everything
To say I love you is not enough
To tell you how you make me feel
It's in your smile, it's in you kiss
It's the reason I exist
There's only one word for this
Its bliss

i hate mornings
when i have
to leave the
confines of
a world i
create on my
own, my dream world
where i can
be anyone i
would like to be
anything i can
hope to be
i play the
lead role
i decide what
the ending
should be

i can recreate
pause, play, rewind
until i get
it right
until it
suits me
every single time
i can come
out winning
i can erase
even the tiniest
error, every mistake
no pain, no heartache
i can make
everything perfect

no more worries
no misplaced guilt
you are responsible
only for yourself
and i am as
tough as you
need me to be. . .

until i wake up. . .

until sleep wears off. . .

then i'm catapulted
back to real life,
the inescapable
world of reality
i almost refuse to move

but i have to
grab my phone
and say good morning
call you and ask
if you are
off to work
listen to you
say you miss me
and you love me. . .

real life just got better

let me rephrase that,
i used to hate mornings. . .
now i can't wait to wake up

it just
turned bleak,
my future,
it just turned
a tad bit sour
like spoilt milk,
i refuse to
cry over

i refuse. . .
but the warm,
angry, drops
have a mind
of their own
they still
trace their
familiar path
racing, rapidly
i wipe them
just as swiftly
but they're
always a step
ahead of me

so i just
let them be
hoping that
in a little
while they
would grow tired,
as weary as i
and just stop. . .

i wish they
would just stop. . .

girlfriend,

hi there.
how's the weather?
it wasn't sunshiny yesterday,
i hope today is better.

i'm sorry i was such a jerk.
i can't help but feel frustrated
i know you are doing the best that you can
i see that, i feel that
it's just that sometimes, i fail to see the silver lining.
for all my optimism, there are days that
even i feel a bit uncertain.
no, i do not doubt how you feel
i know that it is real, as real as it can ever get.
it's not that.
i just miss you so damned much.
i may have reacted a bit odd, really sorry about that.

it's never gonna be perfect.
nothing ever is.
i get too sensitive sometimes
you get too defensive
you'll have your mood swings
and i'll have my angry days
there would be times where
you and i will be terribly tired
from work, from life, from everything else
the way we argue over the simplest things,
we are bound to clash more than once
just be patient with me okay?
i will do my share of looking the other way too.

you will get cranky
i will get impatient
we will be on the brink
of giving up one time or two
you will suddenly go quiet
and i will get into your nerves
i will have my moments
and you definitely will have yours
it does not mean that
we'll love each other less

it's not an exact science,
there are no formulas,
no measurements,no theories
that would allow us to make it all easier
it is complicated, it will always be that
but we'll work it out
you're level headed and i'm creative
we'll figure something out
we are two very stubborn people
universe does not stand a chance (hehehehe).

i love you jhing.
and you love me too(i still do not know why).

could you please never get tired of putting up with me?

your spunk
my passion
the fire that
we create
agression
your temper
my arrogance
red. . .

your warmth
my energy
the unending thirst
for finding out why
curiosity
your love for fun
orange. . .

my unwavering optimism
your intellect
my creativity
your sick wisdom (hahaha)
happiness
yellow. . .

soothing,
your love of life
how we strike
a balance
laid back,
relaxed
green. . .

my sense of commitment
serenity,
your calming nature
consistency
sincerity
blue. . .

my depth (yeah)
your insight
our instant understanding
without moving a muscle
inspiration
indigo. . .

your mystique
my eccentricity
magic
ideal
purpose
violet. . .

(you slept again. so i wrote about the colors of the rainbow. hahahaha. love you girlfriend)

i sat and
watched the
waves with
you today,
with the sun
slowly descending
i almost wished
he could
take me with him
as he disappears
beneath the
water's edge
quiet for
the moment

the tide
kept rising
crashing against
huge boulders
that seemed
tiny, helpless
i almost prayed
they could
carry me off
somewhere i can
just be still
unmoving, unfeeling
where i can be
your favorite word, numb

it will be
dark soon
i almost hoped
that darkness
could swallow me
i could be invisible. . .

then you
reached for my hand
held it in yours,
a quiet reassurance

i said i'd be
ever so patient,
i am trying to be
just that,
although sometimes
i am almost convinced
that your doubts,
your fears
are all too real

i only have to
look at you
and i remember. . .

it's my job
to calm them,
debunk your
endless theories,
make you believe
that underneath
all your questions,
your unending protests
is a heart that
beats for me only. . .

all i have to do
is make you believe. . .

sorry mister sun,
i guess i'll go with you
some other day then. . .

it's heart wrenching,
everytime i have
to let your
hand go
whenever i have
to turn my
back again
and walk
far, far away
from where you
are standing. . .

it's never easy
looking the other way
when all
i really want
is to keep
staring at you
so i just
try and memorize
the contours
of your face,
so i won't forget
till i can
see you again. . .

i can only wave,
my smile
pasted firmly
i can't let
you know that
it kills me
everytime i have
to say goodbye again
i have mastered
the art of showing
no emotion at all
you shouldn't know. . .

that each time
i ride home
on my own
i feel more lonely
every time i leave
your steps,
i feel more empty. . .

the bittersweet cycle
of hi's and goodbye's

i wish someday
it will just be hello. . .

i only
feel the coldness. . .
what i always found refreshing
now only chills
me to the bone
the wind that
used to lull
me to sleep
are now howls
that haunt me
keep me up all night
scare me. . .

the tempest that
i used to love watching
as it displays
its majesty, power
an air of
unrestrained freedom
i now view as
reckless, untamed
it only causes havoc
it destroys everything
on its path

the tiny droplets
trickling, ever so swiftly,
i used to catch
them in my hand
now it runs
on my face
devoid of any emotion
i do not even know
where my tears
meet the mist
i only taste
their bitterness
each little bead

pricks me

anywhere they fall

i thought i should

be numb by now

what used to soothe me,

what i used to welcome

i now almost hate

i run for cover

but i'm already drenched

i'd rather be
flown inches from
the scorching sun, burned

than see the rain
as it laughs at me,
as if mocking my agony. . .

there's still
too much we
have to sort through,
too many questions
we've yet to answer
so much that
we have
to think about
but for a brief moment
you were all mine. . .

my eyes were
the ones you
wanted to get
lost into
my fingers were
the ones laced with yours
your head was
cradled on my shoulder
the time you had
was meant for me
just for me

it was all new
and yet it
felt all too familiar. . .

the same scene
where we left off
a couple of years ago
the same one we had
no other choice but
to flee from
run as fast as we can
before either or
both of us break
too much, too hard

same players,
same roles. . .

have we changed
enough to finally
make it this time?
did i learn to
be more patient?
did you learn
how to trust blindly?
do we have enough love?
enough faith?
can we summon enough courage?

i hope we do. . .

for both our sakes, i hope we do

hey,

you have asked this before
i have answered it
but you seem to have forgotten
let me refresh your memory (short term memory loss, your excuse to everything, hahaha)

why you?

i'm not really sure.

maybe it's because you get me.
without me having to explain what i mean.
i can be myself with you.
my silly, obsessive, sometimes pathetic self.
i can tell you everything.
my hopes, my dreams (yeah i should lay off on some of them, i know), my frustrations.
and you can tell me everything too.
we bicker, quite a lot.
you question everything i say.
you fight with me on every little thing.
but at the end of the day, you get me to admit where i got it wrong.
and i get you to acknowledge that sometimes you don't have it all right.
on really tough ones, we agree to disagree.
your aim is not to see it your way
and you simply cannot be swayed
we have a stand on everything
and they are not always the same
we are not each other's yes man, and that is refreshing.

or maybe it's because
of your eyes, dark brown (it's common, you would argue, i know, i'd be more surprised if you don't) they have seen the world at an odd view.
they light up when you laugh, they turn deadly when you're mad.
i've seen them glistening with unshed tears.
they have a way of seeing right through me.

maybe it's your lips.
the way they tilt when you smile.
you have this habit of biting down on them when you're uncomfortable, or when you're thinking (they distract me, but what the heck)

it could be because you are a little deaf sometimes, i have to repeat what i say hmmmm, a couple of times maybe (but this is very rare, like every 5 minutes or so, hahahaha). or maybe because you get annoyed too easy. or maybe because you fall asleep anytime, anywhere (i know, really, really tired, it's ok).

because you are you. you curse too much but you apologize right after. you get hurt deeply, but you can't help but forgive too easily. you get irritated, you get mad but you calm down in a matter of minutes. you are a masochist, a sadist, a crazy little girl, my crazy little girl. you are a walking, breathing contradiction.

because i can talk to you all day and still miss you, even before i put the phone down.

i never can win any argument with you but that's okay, i don't feel as if i lost anyway.

you make me feel scared and brave, foolish and wise, strong and weak all at the same time.

you make me fall in love with you over and over again.

why you?

funny, i do not think i got to decide on that (fate, okay? universe, yeah, him again). . .

and even if i did, i would be stupid to not choose you.

hey,

i'm sorry.
i did not mean to make it
harder than it already is
i did not ask for it to
be so complicated
although, yeah, we both cannot deny
that we love challenges
it keeps us on our toes
makes us think better
but i do not think either of us
wanted it to be this crazy
neither of us signed up for pain
but it seems to come
to us in buckets
hang in there will you?

no i do not have any beef
with universe,
he (or she, maybe even it but
for this purpose we'll pretend
he's a he) threw us together
he might've torn us apart
but he also found a way
to bring us back
the rest would have
to come from us
it might seem hopeless
most of the time
but we always have a choice
do we look for a way
to make it work,
or do we just go our
seperate ways?
the latter seems easier
especially on days like today
but i won't back down
no i won't if you don't. . .

don't worry toughie
i'm all yours,
i've always been yours

let's stick together, shall we?

"Wild Horses"

I feel these 4 walls closing in
My face up against the glass
I'm looking out... hmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
Its greener pastures I'm thinking about hmm
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses
Oh yeah yea

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared
Hoohhh woah woah

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses
Oh yeah yea

I wanna run too.
Hohhh woah oh woah oh

Breaklessly abandoning my self before you

I wanna open up my heart tell her how I feel

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses
Hooaah woah oh woah
Yeah

I wanna run with the wild horses