And like venom into yours.
First time I realized it, you were gone. Two years have passed since I felt something missing, something has terribly gone wrong. It should have been earlier. Like when you first knocked on my heart’s door. Sadly I was blinded by a big rock right by my passing a “be careful falling debris” sign on my way to you. I stumble and fumble like the crazy fuss I am, my mug rolling towards you. You go pick it up and hand it to me. I say my apologies as you coolly pass it off as “nah, no worries”, something like that. And you move on.
While I was busy studying for an important demo, a little bird told me that you were something else. Something I might wanna notice. I refused to do just that. I refused everything. Even when we were introduced and even when you have become my clandestine partner from the entire hullabaloo I savagely dived in, I was oblivious. Strung out. Distracted. Downright stupid. Each time you held your hand to pull me out, I took it but I let go just as easily too. You didn’t have a hold on me, literally.
Or so I thought.
Our meaningless chats and small talks have been surrounded by deep, heavy controversies within me for the last couple of months. I can’t help but breathe in heavily at the thought of all the wasted time, burdened by the thought that I might have really lost you.
Slowly, painfully I realized what I have been missing. And what must be the most poignant of all realizations was when I remembered how I let it go… just like that. Through sms. Frigging technology! Pfft! Kaput! And it’s gone.
You were gone. It was you. Dang! What I have been missing. I was a shitload of stupidity personified.
Calmly and confidently, I scrutinized the limited proof of you still being alive on the site. With heavy fingers, I clicked it ---> Add as a friend. Do I really wanna be a friend now? Really?!
I fiddled about, hoping you might have forgotten the sms I sent you. It was long gone. The darned mobile I used isn't even with me anymore.
Next day I was approved. Left a note and you replied back. One thing led to another and I knew, the moment you said that I still had this way with words (which felt exactly the way it should), I knew the long burnt flame wasn’t out. It’s up to me now to turn things around and make you stay, follow your pace, lay a firm grip on the present, stall you, keep you…
And I will. Remember that.
The whole month was a whirlwind of craziness and risks. I planned to make things as smooth as possible, but to us, smooth is never an operative word. You, alone, would probably do, what with all your luckiness. But if you include me in your life, that word may as well never exist. I jolt the life out of you. I make everything such a mess, it’s hard to see things straight again.
Yet you still love me. You still make me a major part of your world despite me begging you not to… because I know, almost certain, that I will fail. I have done so multiple times in the past. What makes it different now? I know. Because it’s you. You and your lucky charm, your easy dealings with Universe that shoot my panic attacks down to death.
I love you. More than anything now. More than you think. I’m sure it’s more than what I even think. I loved you since the day you knocked on my heart's door, offering its splendor of things good and bad, I just didn’t know it. I loved you again when I realized it just over a month ago, two years later, when I knew what was missing, what was holding me back from feeling again. The loud shatter of my walls have echoed endlessly throughout the realization phase and was just bits and pieces as I walk across the debris, holding hands with you, feeling the useless point of those walls. Feeling, no longer thinking.
I will love you, even as I wander across a foreign land, knowing in my heart that I took the risk, that I’m taking it, and that I will take it over and over again for you.
So please, stop looking out and let’s not waste time, precious time. Every minute wasted is a lifetime without you. Or me. I will not waste it looking out, when I have you beside me. Please make my dreams what they are. I will try to make your dream what they should be too.
Thanks to that little bird who cannot be discreet, he just had to tell on everyone huh?!
Saffronbox / Jhing
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