ON LETTING YOU GO
I woke up and saw the room as it was before. The books are still in place, the chair is still facing towards the foot of the bed, the puppies are sleeping soundlessly on my leg, the AC is going and the windows are still bland with the early morning atmosphere.
But my heart is beating fast; my head spinning with unvoiced thoughts, my chest is heaving in downright pain and agony. Everything has changed and I cannot deny that fact. My whole being is a testimony to it.
Slowly, I reach for you lying beside me. I want to feel secure once more, to feel needed, like how I used to need your embrace each morning and know that I’ll be alright for at least another day. I find you and yet you don’t feel the same. My hand doesn’t wander anymore, trying to look for that familiar sensation of you clutching my hand too and soothing me, assuring me.
A tear fell from my eye, slowly tracing the edges of my face, the sensation of its path making me think about the way you touched my face before. How you casually outlined my silhouette and whispered to me how much you loved me. That doesn’t happen anymore. It’s more of like an overplayed cassette tape that has gone out of date.
I sob and choke myself to tears, hoping against hope that you won’t wake up and find me in this state. I love you but things have changed, I have changed. I have been different for a long time. In fact, it would be more accurate to say that I was never the person you wanted me to be, never the complete set you bargained for. I was messed up when you met me, I was never whole to start with, how could I be everything you wanted and needed? How could I give anything worth something? I am doomed to fail you and I found out just now, after 5 long years. I just found that out now. I failed you, once again. I'm sorry.
For the longest time, you have been my ally, my family, my best friend, my safe-keeper, my liberation, my life. You were the only one who stood up for me and fought beside me head on to the battle we call life. You were my lifeline. You armed me with bullets and ammunition to get me ready for whatever awaits. We have prepared so much and we have made a lot of things work our way but none would have prepared me for realizing I have nothing to give in return. That I was not the person you pledged for. That I was not who you think I was.
Before I met you, I have risked facing my life on my own. I took off towards the east, leaving everything and taking nothing but my army of guts and a legion of boldness, aware that I will acquire a number of wounds and I will be my own medic. I was on the brink of losing it when you came along, all wounded too from your most recent bloodshed. We scooped each other up and decided to face the remnants of our life together. We were a team. We hated and loved each other to the core. Nonetheless, our team made it through.
However, only during the deep calm sleeps do I face my own real battles. My inner mayhem.
It never ends. The restlessness, the disturbances and agitation my decisions have left me. They haunt me day in and day out.
I know no matter how many accomplishments we make together, I have never proven to myself that I can do it on my own and it’s not enough. At the start of my journey, I wanted this, the clincher, the trophy, the only attestment to my conquest. That I have done it on my own.
Like you said, my weakness is I am never contented. I dream and always look for things that will keep me afloat. You’re right. I am a dreamer and I have a lot of plans, ones that included you… but practically speaking I wanted them on my own. I am a selfish bastard and I am so sorry.
Yet, you wake up and look for me first thing. You find me looking out of the window in the rain, heaving a deep sigh and I smile at you. My face is still lined with whatever tears leave when they go. You wipe them away and hold my hand. You said you love me and although it hurts, you will let me go. Just like that, you will let me go… because I am more important to you than anyone else in the world.
I break down and tell you my endless umbrage with the life we chose… I chose for myself. Of all people, you are the only one I know will understand me. You always do.
You hold me for a good 5 minutes, each minute a representation of each year we were together and I let my tears flow freely now. I want them out, I need them out.
But I’m keeping you in. You are still my lifeline. I will be letting you go, so as not to keep you down with my troubles too, but I will be staying put. I’m not moving forward without you. I will bring you anywhere my feet will take me. I will leave everything again, but this time I am taking you, and everything you are about, with me. You may not realize it but you are my everything too. I will never leave you, even if I am thousands of miles away from you. I will now be moving further east.
In the end, you still make things easier for me. Thank you for letting me go.
Music in my background
Gravity by Sara Bareilles
jblanqueza
I woke up and saw the room as it was before. The books are still in place, the chair is still facing towards the foot of the bed, the puppies are sleeping soundlessly on my leg, the AC is going and the windows are still bland with the early morning atmosphere.
But my heart is beating fast; my head spinning with unvoiced thoughts, my chest is heaving in downright pain and agony. Everything has changed and I cannot deny that fact. My whole being is a testimony to it.
Slowly, I reach for you lying beside me. I want to feel secure once more, to feel needed, like how I used to need your embrace each morning and know that I’ll be alright for at least another day. I find you and yet you don’t feel the same. My hand doesn’t wander anymore, trying to look for that familiar sensation of you clutching my hand too and soothing me, assuring me.
A tear fell from my eye, slowly tracing the edges of my face, the sensation of its path making me think about the way you touched my face before. How you casually outlined my silhouette and whispered to me how much you loved me. That doesn’t happen anymore. It’s more of like an overplayed cassette tape that has gone out of date.
I sob and choke myself to tears, hoping against hope that you won’t wake up and find me in this state. I love you but things have changed, I have changed. I have been different for a long time. In fact, it would be more accurate to say that I was never the person you wanted me to be, never the complete set you bargained for. I was messed up when you met me, I was never whole to start with, how could I be everything you wanted and needed? How could I give anything worth something? I am doomed to fail you and I found out just now, after 5 long years. I just found that out now. I failed you, once again. I'm sorry.
For the longest time, you have been my ally, my family, my best friend, my safe-keeper, my liberation, my life. You were the only one who stood up for me and fought beside me head on to the battle we call life. You were my lifeline. You armed me with bullets and ammunition to get me ready for whatever awaits. We have prepared so much and we have made a lot of things work our way but none would have prepared me for realizing I have nothing to give in return. That I was not the person you pledged for. That I was not who you think I was.
Before I met you, I have risked facing my life on my own. I took off towards the east, leaving everything and taking nothing but my army of guts and a legion of boldness, aware that I will acquire a number of wounds and I will be my own medic. I was on the brink of losing it when you came along, all wounded too from your most recent bloodshed. We scooped each other up and decided to face the remnants of our life together. We were a team. We hated and loved each other to the core. Nonetheless, our team made it through.
However, only during the deep calm sleeps do I face my own real battles. My inner mayhem.
It never ends. The restlessness, the disturbances and agitation my decisions have left me. They haunt me day in and day out.
I know no matter how many accomplishments we make together, I have never proven to myself that I can do it on my own and it’s not enough. At the start of my journey, I wanted this, the clincher, the trophy, the only attestment to my conquest. That I have done it on my own.
Like you said, my weakness is I am never contented. I dream and always look for things that will keep me afloat. You’re right. I am a dreamer and I have a lot of plans, ones that included you… but practically speaking I wanted them on my own. I am a selfish bastard and I am so sorry.
Yet, you wake up and look for me first thing. You find me looking out of the window in the rain, heaving a deep sigh and I smile at you. My face is still lined with whatever tears leave when they go. You wipe them away and hold my hand. You said you love me and although it hurts, you will let me go. Just like that, you will let me go… because I am more important to you than anyone else in the world.
I break down and tell you my endless umbrage with the life we chose… I chose for myself. Of all people, you are the only one I know will understand me. You always do.
You hold me for a good 5 minutes, each minute a representation of each year we were together and I let my tears flow freely now. I want them out, I need them out.
But I’m keeping you in. You are still my lifeline. I will be letting you go, so as not to keep you down with my troubles too, but I will be staying put. I’m not moving forward without you. I will bring you anywhere my feet will take me. I will leave everything again, but this time I am taking you, and everything you are about, with me. You may not realize it but you are my everything too. I will never leave you, even if I am thousands of miles away from you. I will now be moving further east.
In the end, you still make things easier for me. Thank you for letting me go.
Music in my background
Gravity by Sara Bareilles
jblanqueza
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