have a little faith in me. . .

i know.
whatever it is that we have and don't have, just gets too complicated sometimes.
it's not easy, you never said it would be, i always knew it would be tough.
the timing, again, is not that ideal.
you have your reasons.
i try to justify the doubts that you have (you never seem to run out of them) .
you are too cynical.
i am all hopeful.
i believe in fate.
you think that is just crap.
you have a contingency plan, a back-up plan and a back-up, back-up plan.
i live in the now.
i trust too easy.
i don't even know if you trust me,
and everything i tell you.

i feel too much.
you claim you're numb.
you've had way too much shit thrown at you.
i have lived a semi-charmed life.
i break, but i heal quickly.
you can't seem to let go of your pain.
you hold on to it for dear life.
i cry ouch when i get burned.
you keep your emotions tightly reined.
i sometimes have my head in the clouds
your feet are firmly planted on the ground.

are we too opposite?
can't we come up with a compromise?
is it impossible to meet me halfway?

"we'll have a dog named universe"

you're starting to dream. . .

there's hope for us yet. . .

you, looking over
my shoulder
as i write
lazy sunday
mornings spent
half of the time
lounging in bed
catching on sleep
watching a basketball game
while you are next
to me listening
to songs with your earphones
the game bores you
but you won't
let me watch alone

i'm reading
you are surfing
or texting
or doing whatever
sitting across from me
i look up and
see you staring back
we smile
our smile
then we go back
to doing what we
have been doing

i go home
from work
nothing special
just take outs
you put in
a video and
turn the tv on
we just sit on
the couch eating
and watching
it's one we have
seen countless times
but we still
laugh at the
right parts

i lay with you
the lights are off
it's not quiet though
we talk, non stop
about what my day was,
and how your day went
we banter, but we
stop for a few
minutes every so
often to let you
calm down, you
never learned to
just go along with my
teasing, so i have
to stop every now
and then and let
you cool it to
avoid being strangled (hahahaha)
when we get tired
we just close our eyes
and hold each other

my idea of perfect days. . .

soon, someday soon. . .

you are
my refuge
against the
scorching heat
my once humid,
arid, barren existence
now springs
with life,
the grays, the blacks
are filled
with greens,
blues, and all the hues
that represent
new beginnings

little by little
you have washed
away the pain
of memories
i would rather
keep hidden,
tucked neatly
in a vault
that i sometimes
open, to remind
me of the heartaches,
each instance
i got hurt
not to savor
but to act
as a firm warning,
misplaced trust
has always been an issue
the scars are
starting to form
can i call
myself healed?

your tiny droplets
push their way,
to the very
core of me
persistent, unfazed
forcing themselves
inside, steadily
plucking away
the barricades that
have stood ground
i placed them
there to guard
against any invasion
that might urge
my heart to beat again,
they are failing. . .

rain, rain
don't go away
i don't wanna wait
for you to come
another day

i have you here with me now. . .

i am not letting go of you now. . .

to she, long overdue, i know

so sorry

the clink
of frosted glasses
bodies swaying
in tune with
the upbeat
music playing
i inhale the
slow burning
smoke from my cigarette
i offer you one
you just sat there
watching
smiling at everyone

funny what
bonds we forge
just by staring

you laugh
as if on cue
but i see what
is hidden behind
those seemingly
perfect lashes

as if i am
looking at myself
infront of a mirror
my sad eyes is
reflected in yours
but only for a minute

and then you
go back to
your pretense
well rehearsed
no one will suspect

but for that brief moment
i knew. . .

i'll be your ally. . .

your secret is safe with me
it's ok, go breathe easy

you: i'm a music lover, i sing okay and in tune and i really dig lyrics, it's really important to me that we match that. i love photography and nature. i love dogs, i just learned that recently.

me: i love music. give me any situation and i will be able to come up with a song that would suit you, that you can relate to. i'm good with lyrics, i have them memorized in no time but i cannot carry a tune even if my life depended on it (hahahaha). i know which end to point with when using a camera but i do not have the eye for perfect angles and lighting. i am a whiz at posing though, does that count? i love dogs, i've known that all my life.

you: i like people who don't follow the norms, who can live on their own, who will stand up for what they believe in. i admire people who are independent, who can go anywhere they want to go. i like people who do not suck you in their lives. i hate emotional vampires, people who mess things up just to get noticed or for the fun of it.

me: it's good to stand out, to not be common, different. but i also know that sometimes you have to learn how to blend in. i hate confrontations and so i sometimes just let it go. you have to pick your battles, it would be too tiring to try and defy everything. yeah, i also hate people who make scenes just to get noticed. those who drag other people down so they can pull themselves up.

you: i like complimenting people and receiving them so i try as much as i can to deserve them. i love reading and crave for people i can share my reviews with. i like movies but i am not a fan of catching the first wave, i wait for the reviews first before i waste time and money. i am all for stability and proving my independence to my family, i want them to look up to me and the effort i made to reach it. unfortunately, my family is bad news, let's not go there.

me: remember the lesson i learned from you the first time we ever went out? i teased you the whole time. in my defense, it's what we (butches or guys) do when we like someone, we tease. i know it was juvenile, i do apologize. so i had the 411 on what girls like. i have learned from that mistake. i did improve right? i read a lot. we mostly have read the same books, we'll talk about them soon okay? i love watching movies too, i read the reviews because i wanna find out if the ending was happy. i almost never watch a film that does not end well. real life is hard enough, i want to watch movies that would force me to hope. hahahaha, sorry, sentimental fool, i know. ok we won't talk about your family. my mom loves you though. but you already know that right?

you: i like people who can and will take care of me. in the event that they have to leave me, i need them to apologize because i have feelings too, even if i act stoic. this is the tricky part because i can't reverse this. i almost always have a hard time opening up, apologizing and accepting defeat.

me: i like it when i'm needed. i like it when you let me take care of you. you sometimes hold on to your independence too much, when you do get tired, i'm just right here, alright? i hate saying goodbye. i almost never say it. i'll let you leave first. sweet katniss, i know you mask your fragility behind a cool demeanor, but this is me. you know you can trust me.

you: i'm a leo born in the year of the monkey, i am the center of attention, i don't love it but i feel it when i'm not. i have difficulty spilling out my sentiments without my traitor tears, even when i'm happy, it's ridiculous. everything i am, you'll learn to love and hate.

me: we were born the same year, monkeys rule!!!! hahahaha. i veer away from the limelight, i won't fight you for it so i guess that is fine. you will never be short on attention, i usually give out lots, you might even force me to stop or else you'll drown (know what i mean? hahahaha). i've had my share of those tears, i've wiped some of them dry, i have invested in tissues so don't worry, we'll never run out of them. i already love all of you, i have tried my hand at hating even a tiny part of you but i can't. sorry dear, you can try and teach me all you want but that is the one thing i won't sign up for.

you: there are things that you don't and might not have or never turn into, given time and space. only the years will dictate our next move, whether we stop here or carry on. whether you accept this or reject that. you will get into my nerves and i will definitely hurt you, although never would it be intentional. i will strive to make you see me as i am and then tell me if you feel the same way, or atleast still have that inclination to get us back up the surface. this is new to me too. don't tell me you know what you're doing 'cause we are both groping in the dark. just hold my hand and never let go. what do you say?

me: i never learned how to dance. i can't paint. i can't sketch (not my name, not yours seperately or together). i do not play any instrument. as much as i am a lot of things, there are more that i am not. i frustrate you. i irritate you sometimes. i know i'm not easy to deal with. i push you too hard. i make mistakes. you do not come with an instruction manual and so expect me to fumble a couple of hundred times. thank you for being patient with me. i may get hurt, but i might inflict you pain. yet you are willing to take a huge risk with me. i never claimed to know all the answers, i don't. this territory is as unfamiliar to me as it is to you. i do hope we see the light soon enough. i said i won't let us get swallowed by the waves, i will stand by that.

i will hold your hand. . . but please do not let go of mine.

love, love sara bareilles

"One Sweet Love"

Just about the time the shadows call

I undress my mind and dare you to follow

Paint a portrait of my mystery

Only close my eyes and you are here with me

A nameless face to think I see

To sit and watch the waves with me till they're gone

A heart I'd swear I'd recognize is made out of

My own devices....

Could I be wrong?

The time that I've taken

I pray is not wasted

Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Sleepless nights you creep inside of me

Paint your shadows on the breath that we share

You take more than just my sanity

You take my reason not to care.

No ordinary wings I'll need

The sky itself will carry me back to you

The things I dream that I can do I'll open up

The moon for you

Just come down soon

The time that I've taken

I pray is not wasted

Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking

But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of

One sweet love.

Savor the sorrow to soften the pain sip on

The southern rain

As I do, I don't look don't touch don't do anything

But hope that there is a you.

The earth that is the space between,

I'd banish it from under me...to get to you.

Your unexpected love provides my solitary's

Suicide...oh I wish I knew

The time that I've taken

I pray is not wasted

Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking

But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of

One sweet love.

be still. . .

even as you feel
the waves coming towards you,
even as the water
reaches your chin
and you feel the pull
of the ocean beneath you

hold still. . .

don't thrash around
your sudden movements
would only draw you deeper
you would only feel more trapped

do not resist. . .

you are fighting
a losing battle
against the current
threatening to carry you
far away from
your comfort zone
your safe haven

i'm not gonna let you drown. . .

i'll pull you up
each and every time
i won't let you sink
if i do, i'll plummet with you
i'm not gonna let you go. . .

just promise you'll hold on to me. . .

i'm not gonna let you go

you're probably sleeping now. . .
i wonder how it feels
to lie next to you
feel your warmth
watch your chest
rise and fall in a rhythm
that would probably
soothe me, calm me
look with envy
as the moonbeams touch
your face, as if highlighting it,
chasing the worries,
giving way to the innocence
reflected in your slumber

i wish i could
wrap my arms around
your fragile shoulders
hold you close
whisper softly, the nightmares
won't come tonight dear
i'll keep you steady

i don't think i could
join you as you rest
i would be too busy
listening to your heartbeat
is it as fast as mine?
no i won't even blink
i'll just wait for
morning to come

you love mornings.

as much as i would have
loved sleeping next to you
waking up beside you
would feel so much better

i hope your perfect sunrise includes me. . .

infant,

it's 3:30 am

i should be sleeping

i have read, re-read, and yeah gone over all the lines i wrote.
it still did not sound right.
not that i did not know what to say.
i knew all along.
i just did not know how to say them.
without sounding condescending, or patronizing.
without making you ill with cheesyness and all that crap.

you are the one i always wanted.
the one i wished for.
who i bothered whoever it is up there just to ask him to give you to me.
the one i lost.
who found me again.
who i do not know what i would do should i lose again.

i know i am not perfect
not even in the same zip code, or country, or whatever.
but i foolishly wish i were
maybe if i am you would just stay there.

you are not different.
being different means you can be compared to someone or something else.
you can't be.
you are the only one of your kind.

i'm sorry.
i am supposed to be good at this
but i just turned real bad.
i am wide awake at almost 4 am thinking of ways
to get you to see that you are unlike anyone else i have come across with.

maybe i should stop.
i love you.
and i will love you, the best way i know how.
do not ask me why, do not ask me how long.

i just do.
deal with it.

i have answered the question why me.

and now for a follow up on that;

why you? i have answered that too. i know you still remember what i said. all i said.

there was one observation though, that had me stumped (i was supposed to do the stumping, not you, and then you left and went to bed, grrrrr hahahaha).

you were right. i have loved others before and after you. i have loved them all with the same passion. i only know one way to love and that is without holding back. without any doubt. with all that i have. without any regret.

that does not mean they were all the same though. because although i had been consistent, each one of them had been different. each story i had been included in may have somewhat similar plots written with the same pen, but each one had been special. your word, different. i had the same hopes, i had some of the same thoughts, most even had similar endings. it's the role that i played that distinguishes one from the other.

with you i do not need to play a character.

i never had to. i was just this silly, weird, obsessive person that you somehow still claim to love. you make me think i can do no wrong, cause even if i did you will just look away. i cannot read you, you are the one who sees right through me. you wanna know who i am, everyone else just tries their luck at guessing, and i let them. you let me think i rattle you, when you are the one who unsettles me.

but you know what makes you really odd?

you, wanting to be mine. you, asking how to make me happy. you, wondering if you are good enough for me.

infant at that.

chicken even.

you know more about love than i do.

infant,

still don't know what to do?

hahahaha. i love it when you are confused. nah i'm not smirking, not yet.

a few more rounds with you and maybe i will start to.

now what is so hard to understand?

that i love you? that i need you? that i would try and prove you wrong everytime you insist that you are not right for me?

this is not a game. i am not playing. this is my life and all i ever wanted is to make you a part of it. a huge one at that. what are you so afraid of? i am not going anywhere, you know. i said i'd stay and so i would. even if it has not been that easy. even when unconsciously you push me away. you can't brush me off. i just want that to be clear.

i am sorry if sometimes i make it difficult to love me. i am hard headed. i tease you too much. i try too hard. i wanna see you crack, just a bit so i could maybe come in. that is if you would let me. . . i wish so darn hard that you would let me.

i said earlier that i am scared too. it's true. everyday i feel you starting to slip, yet again. you very subtly pull away. i feel it. i feel you starting to separate inch by painful inch. am i getting tired? of the never ending cycle, of you hesitating, of me convincing, of you running and me trailing after you.

not yet.

i had a few years to regroup. i did not enjoy the time i had to spend away from you and so i am trying to avoid going back there. but you and i know, i can only do so much. . .

and then i would have to break.

i wish i don't have to. i wish you won't let me. i wish you would just give it a go.

i wish. . . i did not have to wish anymore.

you can say what you want but it won't change my mind
i'd feel the same, about you
and you can tell me your reasons but it won't change my feelings
i'd feel the same, about you


chicken. . .

what is it about love that scares the shit out of most people?

is it the responsibility that comes with it? hmmmmmmm. . . maybe. you see, when someone loves you, you quickly assume that you have to give what you receive. in a perfect world it is safe to want that. let me ask you though, do we live in a perfect world?

nah. most definitely not. we only wish that we do. so what's my point? between two people in love who loves more or who gives less is not supposed to be an issue. we are not supposed to even keep track of what was sacrificed, what we got out of it or what was never offered. we are built differently and so my best might not neccessarily equal yours. you gave it your all though, that's what should matter.

is it the committment? you know what they say, it's easier to catch a rooster when it's pinned down (it's a filipino saying, i just translated it loosely). when you are with someone temptation always seem to be after you. you begin to question your choice, did i pick the best one?

of course, thinking you had a choice is what gets you in trouble. you never do. love picks you. and whomever was "fated" (i know you do not believe in all that but just humor me, it's my blog hahaha) to you is your best bet. someone else would always come. someone more beautiful, smarter, funnier but there would only be one person who's perfect for you. who might not be everyone's definition of the best but next to you, she makes the greatest sense.

is it failure? you have suddenly developed a super power that allows you to look into the future and you are certain that you won't make it. you turned psychic and so you are predicting that whatever you do it will never work out.

funny. i always say that nothing is certain. even nostradamus was not able to tell when he would die. so what makes you so sure that what you have or almost have will never last? everything is a risk. it's equal parts failure and success. if you do not even try because you are too terrified of failing, then that makes you foolish. at least give yourself a chance. give the other person a chance to prove you wrong.

i am not as brave as you think.

i am as scared of this as you are. maybe even more so because i have seen the view from the other side. i almost had you but you were swiftly snatched away. i've tasted defeat. it was bitter. i had been shattered. i have more to lose now than i have ever had before. . .

yet i am willing to jump in again. head first.

it's not gonna be a bed of roses. it would be wrong of me to assure you that it would be. it would be unfair to let you believe i know all the answers, i don't. . .

but maybe if you break free, we will find out?

so what do you say?

why me?

out of everyone in the world, all 6 billion plus of them, why choose me?

i am nothing special. so ordinary it's bordering on boring. i do not have anything to offer that has never been offered before. i do not have movie star looks. i don't have an attitude that rocks. i am not that well-off. i'm no genius. i am no sir gallahad. i sin like everyone else.

but i'll. . .

make you smile, when you feel like it's the end of the world. make you laugh, at my mishaps and yours. hold your hand, my fingers will fit yours perfectly. let you cry on my shoulders. kiss you on the temple. hug you when you feel like it. watch over you when you sleep. pour you coffee in the morning. sit quietly and listen when you rant. tease you mercilessly. apologize when i may have done or said something wrong. admit my mistakes. point out your mistakes. butt heads with you but give in when i know you are right. watch your favorite tv show. go shopping with you and try not to complain too much. bully you. allow you to bully me sometimes. fight with you. make up with you. stare at the moon with you. walk with you on the beach and wait for the sun to rise. be beside you when you wake up. be proud of you. tell you, you are beautiful every single day.

i will love you fiercely.

even when you tell me you do not think you are worth it.

i will give you my heart. it ain't perfect. it is rough around the edges. but it will be yours. all of it. you can do with it what you want

all you have to do is take it. . .

go on and take it.

i'm sorry it took so long

i was distracted =)

it's funny

how our roles changed

how different

how similar

like the phases

of the moon you

so revere

we follow a cycle

i'm still learning

the quirks

the nuances of the

new shoes i have to fill

in my solitude

you hug me

your arms stretch

far out to reach me

our lives will

forever be intertwined

like the movement

of the sea

you are the moon

i am the tide. . .

ON GREAT LOVES


does it have to be one?

can it not be two or three or can it not be everytime you fall?

(maloloka ka nun malamang hahahaha) isa-isahin natin ha?

how do you define great? what are the parameters? does she have to look a specific way? act a specific way? do you have certain characteristics that are to be met? a set of criteria before one love could be categorized as "great"? more importantly, who defines great? do you? does she? or is it everyone else who determines if it is great or not? different strokes for different folks eh?

ok, for the nitty gritty. my view.

i do not think that there could be more than one great love.

it is called 'great' for a reason. kinda like "the ultimate" . there can only be one. a lot of people go through life and leave it without ever meeting "her" it would be too foolish to expect to find "her" twice, in one lifetime at that. of course i am not belittling the other loves that may come your way while waiting for the "great" one. there are no regular loves, each one is special, at least for me they are. the one thing that seperates your greatest from the other ones is probably its intensity. the amount of effort, of work, you are willing to exert. how much of yourself you are willing to give and the length of time it takes you to forget her, should your story end up in tragedy. that is, if you are capable of forgetting her. that's what makes it so hard. if it would take a lifetime to forget your one great love, how do you expect to find another one? see what i mean?

now, the age old question: have i met her?

hmmmmm. . .

yes. i have met her. a few years back. we met at a time when everything was a mess. life seemed to be moving faster than we were. everything was hazy. yeah, the timing was crazy. but these things are never planned. it always happens when you least expect it. the outcome would have to depend on how you would react. i guess i reacted poorly (hahahaha).

i lost her. even before we could begin, she walked away. i don't really blame her. the timing was off. it was no longer just between her and me, other lives were involved. the only way to come out of it was to cut everything off, a clean break. i have always understood what she did and why she did it. it was painful but i never hated her, i never could. she had her reasons.

and so i lost my one great love. i don't even know if we were given a fair chance. all i know is that although i would fall in love again (i'm easy, hahahaha), countless times, i would still have an empty spot that only she can fill. although i won't forever be empty, i never can be complete. whoever comes into my life, would always be compared to her. and even if we never meet again, she will always be with me, in me, all over me.

so does my story end here?

nah.

you see, i was very innocently browsing the net one time, and then i came across an invitation. yeah it was facebook, someone was asking permission to be added as my friend. i blinked once, twice, guess who it was?

she's back. my one great love. i do not know what's gonna happen. i do not have a clue what to do. the only thing i do know is that i am not gonna let her walk away again. no siree.

i'll keep you guys posted =)

i should've forgotten about you by now.
how long has it been?
years. long, cold, empty years
that have dragged on and on

you left and i stayed
right there. . .
counting your steps till i can't see you anymore
i stayed and waited, someday. . .

you might realize you lost me
you might, one day, remember what it
was like to be loved by me
and feel the urge to go back

i wanna be there when it happens
sitting right there, i would look up
and you will be standing in front of me
that huge grin on your face as the years fall away. . .

welcome home dear
it took you quite a long time
but it's ok
you are here. . . nothing else matters

do not lose me again. . .

i have to start writing again
but this time it should be about something other than you
i know this is my blog
i can spill my guts and nobody has the right to shut me up
but i am tired
of wringing my emotions
and converting them into words
that might mean something to you
i am all spent up
drained, empty
it is not your fault
i have constantly said that
i was the one who had everything mixed up
i got lost
i mistook fantasy and thought it was part of my reality
you were always clear, crystal
i was the one who muddled it
i am so sorry

so go on
stay happy
i should be writing a different story by now

but for the record
you did not break my heart. . .
i did all on my own

i hate goodbyes.

i never learned how to say it. i do not know when to say it. more importantly, i have a very difficult time understanding why i have to say it. yeah, i know, i have abandonment issues (hahahaha).

i choke. i have never been the one to leave someone i love or loved. not when it hurts too much. not when i'm being played. not even when i am already numb. i wait. until she lets me go. until her guilt becomes too much to bear. until she can no longer hold on to me. weird,i know, but i'd rather be the one left behind. it's walking away from her that i can't stand. my tears will dry up. if someone cries because i said goodbye. . . that is something i just cannot handle.

i falter. i feel as if i am betraying her if i leave. i promised i'd be there as long as she needs me. as long as she wants me to be with her. i try to keep every promise i make. i do not make a lot and so the ones i said i would do, i never break. even when everyone else is begging me to just give up. even when quitting is more convenient. i stay. . . until she pushes me away.

i stammer. when asked why i have to say goodbye. i fumble. i run out of words. it might sound stupid and pigheaded but i never looked at walking away as an option. she was my air. for a time my world revolved around her. she was perfection, personified. she controlled my heartbeat. even when i close my eyes, she was the one i saw. how in the hell will i be able to turn my back on her?

impossible. . .

until she was the one who did the leaving. . .

so i had no other choice but to say goodbye. bid her farewell. hope that everything works out for her. put on a brave face and tell her i am happy for her.

i still don't like goodbyes. i still don't know how and when to say it. i don't think i will ever understand why i have to say it. . .

but for this purpose alone, i would pretend that it is a piece of cake. . .

goodbye.

these things i'll never say. . .


and we are back. . .
to being so silent
did i say something wrong?
made another bad turn?
did i offend you in some way?
too eager? too hard headed?

i do not want
to get too used
to not speaking to you,
not being there for you
not caring, not thinking about you

i am so scared
that one day you won't
even remember i'm just here
that you'd forget
that i'm just waiting for you dear

have you slipped away?

i don't feel you anymore,
the one thing
i've always wanted. . .
i can't see you anymore. . .
i wanna run after you. . .

will you please stay right there
so i could maybe reach you
do not go anywhere,
i won't lose you,
i just cant, lose you, not yet. . .