i wish i could just. . .

stop.

close my eyes and drive
all thoughts of you aside
walk a few thousand miles away,
keep the threatening tears at bay

if only i could just. . .

stop.

pretending that someday
you'd choose to be with me, you'd stay
thinking that i could
include you in my world

if only i knew how to. . .

stop.

myself from falling for you
over and over again,
my soul from crushing
everytime you turn away again

you are my lost cause. . .

if i only had the heart
to finally say. . .

stop.

can i keep you?
have i dazzled you yet?
is it enough, all that i've said?
no? not yet?

catch your fancy,
have i done that already?
i certainly hope so,
no? not yet?

could it be that i have made you
happy, warmed you, enthralled you,
influenced you, made you adore me, caused you to
need me, long for me, miss me?

crept, little by little, into your
heart, made a place for me
inched my way, slowly, silently
nicely, smoothly, removed most of your barriers?

could it be that i am just dreaming
harboring another unlikely thought, just wishfully thinking?
i know i won't be who i hope i can be
never, ever, i won't reach you. . .

all i can do is teach myself
to finally get that,
i have to,
i ought to

to her, she would never get to read this anyway. . .

i may never know
how or why
i fell as hard
as i did for you

if i close my eyes
and block every thought of you
if i keep my mind
from straying towards you
if i wipe your
sweetness from my lips
erase every memory we ever made
remove every trace
of longing, of wanting
the teasing, the haunting
if i fail to remember
the sound of your laughter
then maybe i'll be fine

for a little while
a fraction of a second
i really thought i was alright
i am okay, i have moved
away from you, i really did

but one look
and i am hooked again
one mention of your name
and i am floored again
i smell your hair
and i'm reeling again
i am floating again,
one smile
and i'm certain. . .

you, once more
have me under your spell. . .

oh well, :)

i would love to make you mine. . .

without doubt,
an ounce of fear
no more questions
no confusions,
no more pretention
if anyone asks
i can freely, gladly
say yes, i am hers

i so want to make you mine. . .

amid the pleading
and endless bleeding
the bargaining
my willingness to commit
your inability to admit
that somewhere along
the muddled lines
you have thought of it too
it would have been flattering
although at times it had been maddening

i would have made you mine. . .

if i knew it was what you wanted
if only you could say
i can be all you ever wanted
if only i could give more
if i can be all what you live for

i would have made you mine. . .
if it were that simple
i could have made you mine

and who do you want instead?

whose arms would you
rather enfold you?
whose lips would you rather
trace with your fingertips?
whose scent would you
want to be breathing in
instead of his?

when he runs his hands
through each silken strand
each touch, each sound,
whose smile would you have
traded everything for?
whose name would you
have rather whispered?

are you more guilty
that you are dreaming
of lying with someone else
or is the bigger crime
your inability to admit
that you have indeed fallen

for someone other than
the person who so
lovingly, trustingly
engulfs you in his embrace

when you close your eyes dear,
tell me, who do you picture?

i know it's not me. . .

you did not have to wish,
never had to dream
i was there,
just there. . .

i guess it's not me

i haven't written anything in almost a month. . .
have i lost my "mojo"?
i don't know, maybe a bit?
the drive to create something that might influence, entertain or maybe even touch someone else, did it fade?
or maybe i just ran out of topics, feelings, emotions to scrutinize?
i'll take the latter,that is a bit more acceptable than the first two reasons, i think (hehehe)
it's not that i have become numb in the last few weeks, it's not that i have been drained of every single thought, it's not that i have grown coward, scared of facing some inescapable truths so to speak.
i probably just did not know where to start. . .

i still dont.

that never stopped me before, why would it stop me now?

so where do i begin?

let's start at the end shall we?

yeah, the inevitable end.

in a few weeks i'll say goodbye to a lot of things, people that i have treasured, kept as close to my heart as i possibly can. i'll bid farewell to what had been a huge part of me, my everyday, my routine, my comfort zone.

i am not good at closing doors, i almost always just run away with the door half ajar because i can never get myself to firmly shut it, properly turn away, put an ending to anything i have ever started, i'm scared of not giving myself atleast a small crack where i can still very discreetly crawl into once the reality of leaving slowly creeps in.

i find solace in the thought that should it be too scary for me to walk on and search for a new adventure i could still go back, resume my old life, it always waits for me to continue where i left off. . .

not this time

this time when i leave there would be no turning back

whoever, whatever i'm turning my back on, i know would start turning away from me as well, the minute i bid farewell. no more indecisiveness, i have to be firm, as they would be as cold hearted as i would have to be. whatever i choose to back away from, would very slowly back away from me too. whomever i let slip from my grasp would slowly let go of my hand as well. and as they fade, become a part of my history, i too would very painfully become just another memory. . .

a trinket, like a photograph that captured a tiny bit of moment

one we all can never go back to, but on really, really, cold nights, i hope they could bring me warmth. i hope i have stored enough of you guys that i might never totally forget

i am so scared to not remember. . .

i noticed.
i'm playing it cool
'cause i don't wanna
get too used to this
never again
the last time scarred me
i don't think i'll ever
truly, fully recover

doesn't mean i don't
miss you or care about you
i do, i'll probably always will
but you know what happens
when you get broken?
you try to piece together
what was shattered but
whatever you do
you will never ever be the same
a part of you will always be
lost, forgotten, never to be
taken back
when you get burned
you try your damnest
to stay away from fire
cover yourself in ice
when the door has been locked,
slammed in front of you
you will not knock again
for fear of another
stinging rejection

i'm glad you still
think about me at times
my thoughts are never
too far away from you
though i've tried to shake
away every memory
i did try, and some days
i do succeed

and no i'm not trying
to be your one regret
that will be an excercise
in futility, i bet
it's okay that i'm not
don't start with me
dont start, period.

and i know that you love me
you have said it,
i have felt it,
but like you told me
sometimes, it just
is not enough
it's sad, i know,
but what can we do?

everything's the same
yet you and i are different
will we ever get past that?
i'm not really sure,
are you?

i wish i wrote these lines. . .
well anyway, thank you maria mena

What could you possibly see in me?
Is it my soul hung out to dry?
I think my dysfunctional family has shaped it throughout my life.

What could you possibly like in me?
Do you like my ability to bend?
I think my fear of intimacy has shaped the time we spend.

No it's not you, it's me
and it's not us, it's them
and it's not her, it's just the way she moves you
and she kisses harder than me, oh she kisses harder than me.

And I've always looked in through your glasses,
but all I could see, is the spectre of me reflected
the empty shell of me, the empty shell of me.

What could you possibly love in me?
Is it the way I wear my smile?
It hangs from the tip of my tongue you see, oh this might take awhile.

No it's not you, it's me
and it's not us, it's them
sure it's not her, it's just the way she moves you
and she kisses harder than me, oh she kisses harder than me.

And I've tried to look in through your glases,
but all I could see, was the spector of me reflected, the empty shell of me, the empty shell of me.

it would've been easier
you would never have
to shed a single tear,
nor live in constant fear,
we would never have
to bend till we break
or try till we ache
when i say i'm fine
i would've meant
every littlest word
yeah you won't even
be too listless, not too bored
no more lies
no lingering goodbyes
your smile might even reach your eyes
i won't have to pretend that i am cool
we no longer would be fools
i could breathe easy
knowing you would always
stay here with me. . .

if love were enough. . .

sorry, I will never be enough. . .

i know exactly when
you enter the room,
my skin crawls, in awareness
my eyes track your every move
your scent wafts, sails through the air
and finds me, encloses me
like a hound sensing its prey
it excites me, makes my blood
rush, i will it to slow down, you
might hear my heart beating
too loudly, it might cause you to run

and i don't want you to flee,
i know you spook too easy,
i can't allow you to be
too afraid of me
so i'll feign control, i'll fake indifference
and if by chance your gaze
meets mine i'll swiftly look away,
engage you in a quick game
of hide and go seek
when you are unaware, i'll go ahead and take a peek
but as soon as you try and catch
me as i stare longingly
i'll take cover, behind a wall of
pretend disinterest
i'll be convincing,
i swear you won't suspect a thing

i won't let it show,
no, you can never, ever, forever know

. . . you're a hard habit to break. . .


an action or pattern of behavior that is repeated so often that it becomes typical of somebody, although he or she may be unaware of it, addiction, fixation, routine, dependence, i looked up the word "habit" and these are what i came accross with.

it is synonymous with addiction. a strong craving, for something or someone. you cannot think, eat, sleep, move without a dose of what currently enslaves you. you are weak without it, incomplete. you have to get a taste, a feel, a whiff, it makes you strong. . . but really, it doesn't. when you are wanting something this much, too much, that you are willing to do anything, defy anything or anyone, for a tiny bite, a sliver, doesn't that sound dangerous? they say that, the thing about addiction is, it never ends well. because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high, stops feeling good, and starts to hurt. . . what then?

fixation, an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone, a more common term? obsession. . . kinda like addiction, you have no control over it . it rules your head, your heart and whatever else you allow it to overpower. it's an ailment. a sick need. is it curable? i don't really know. . .

a routine. a way of living. something you do without thinking. you might not even be aware you are doing it. it has become so ingrained in you that you mistake it for something essential. if you don't get a glimpse of it or if you failed to do that certain step, you feel that something is lacking. like a limb is missing, or your head, or something integral. you don't think you can function well. it is a myth. routines are boring, break it. change is refreshing, embrace it. . .

dependence. . . like you would crumble if you lose it. something or someone you rely on. i knew a girl once, she never allowed herself to depend on anyone, i kinda admire that, to be self reliant, to be an entity so strong that there is no need for someone else. but at the same time i pity her, if she breaks, what then? who would help hold her up?

do i want to be a habit?

an addiction slash fixation slash routine slash source of dependence?

a craving, someone that gives someone else a high she thinks she can almost fly?
an obsession, an object for someone to almost praise and adore?
be second nature to someone that it would impale them if one day i don't show up?
have someone rely on me too much that the thought of losing me would make them tremble in fear?

nah. . . .

that was never my intention.

being wanted is fine, but i'd rather be needed. i never liked being treated as an object of obsession, i'd rather be a cure than a madness. i don't wanna be a routine, i wanna be something that happens once in a lifetime. like a comet you have waited all your life for. not common at all. i want you to be aware that i am there, i want you to know, not think, that i am essential. and if you lose me i want your world to not just crumble but explode, to not just be in the brink of tipping but to be blasted out of its orbit, if atleast for a few precious seconds. i don't want you to just not function well in my absence but i want you to not function at all, atleast for a meager period. and as the famous line goes, i do not wanna be adored, i'd rather be loved

i do not want to be a habit
i need to be more than just that. . .

i wish i were more than just that. . .

shall we have another go at it? another round, another attempt, maybe find a different result? will it be less bloody?less disappointing? the ride a bit smoother? we know the flaws in our ways maybe this time we'll have success in avoiding them? the swift turns, the treacherous highs each traitorous curve we have mapped them laid out a plan, we know what to wait for and in some way we have learned what not to expect from you or me, and everyone else in this crazy little saga.

will it really be better?

have we really learned anything except for the fact that you and
i might not really be good together? i am too emotional, you are too detached, i look strong but i bruise easily, you look so fragile but i have yet to know what affects you, what moves you, what causes you to crumble, i might never know. i react too quickly, it's very rare that you react at all, i mean what i say, i'm not very sure if you say what you mean, it seems like we are always talking in riddles, i have to decipher every line, every word, it was fun, for a while, until somewhere along the way, i too got lost in translation. opposites attract right? but what if it's too different? when two people are worlds apart what then?

they say, insanity means doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. . . if i choose to try again does that make me insane?

i have no idea. . . maybe i should,

but then again maybe i shouldn't

i was watching a film the other night, boy meets girl, boy falls in love, girl hesitates, girl makes up her mind, boy has second thoughts, ending? they parted ways, sad, sad affair. what made me think though was what the guy said, "sometimes, the beauty is in the attempt" , whether you failed or succeeded it does not really matter, what is important is that you tried. i understand fear, i know how it feels to be scared of the unknown, but nothing is certain, you just have to put yourself out there and hope against hope that you get picked, that everything goes well.

and if it doesn't? i am admittedly hard headed, stubborn as hell, you tell me it can't happen and i'll do my damnest to prove you wrong. i hold on far longer than i should, but when i decide to let go. . . i never look back. what is done is done, that's why i never surrender, until you give up on me that is.

so what now?

i still don't know. maybe i should just be contented in the glorious attempt. it failed, miserably, but i gave it my all, that's all anyone can ask for. . .

too bad it was not enough then. funny, what makes me think it is going to be enough now?

shall i treat you
like an old friend,
whom i have lain in
constant wait for?
one whom i have wished
to come my way once more
one who kept my eyes
firmly glued to the door?

hoping it will open
one of these very
unassuming days
it will slowly, timidly
give me a tiny crack
and let you in

a familiar face,
one that i will
instantly recognize
for a bit there i thought
i'd forgotten what you
look like, feel like
please remind me again
of the warmth i had
gotten accustomed to before,
what i felt i lost
in the shuffle

in the mundane
and commonplace,
will you please let me
feel extraordinary again
wrap me up
in your mystery
and take me to the heights
my soul seem to fall short on
let me soar,
and if in some way
i have forgotten how to float
remind me again how
it feels to be weightless
worryless,

oh love,
i have indeed missed you
take my breath away again
allow me to not think again
let me hear you whisper
my name again
a haunting sound
escaping your exquisite lips
let me hold you in my arms again

and if by some luck
i hear you faintly knock
it won't be in vain dear,
i won't succumb to my fear,
i won't fail to hear

are you confused?
which way to go,
what you should do?
torn apart?
i'm pulling you this way
while they are desperately
trying to make you stay
am i messing with your mind again?
making you want
forcing you to need
am i enjoying
the uncertainty in your eyes?
when you squirm
do i laugh?
am i mocking you
while you struggle?

i do not

like i said
i am not your complication
you are mine
my aim is not
to unsettle you,
not to unnerve you,
not to go back,
move forward perhaps. . .

but i could tell . . .
the unknown scares you
losing control makes you
run as far as your
feet could carry you,
you'd rather lay there
where you can predict
when everything ends,
no quick movements
no surprises
everything is staged,

yeah dear,
i have the nerve
to call you a coward,

your move?

i watch you ride
the soft breeze,
allowing it to let you
float away in momentary
oblivion, in fleeting bliss
a slight smile on your lips
gloriously reveling
in the freedom the wind
brings as it takes you
up, then down again
below, then lets you rise again

as if in trance
i look on as you dance
uninhibited, not a care
you are enjoying the attention,
i could almost swear
go on, frolic
in the warm glow
let the gale carry you
just let it all flow. . .

pretty little butterfly,
with your delicate wing
i see you flutter
from flower to flower
choosing the finest, the sweetest
then you take your pick
and settle on the soft petals
seemingly contented. . .

how long will you stay
perched this time?

and, as if, you heard me
all of a sudden you stop
resting on that lovely branch
you prepare to take flight,
in one fluid motion
you are afloat again,
one with the breeze again,
will you ever come my way once more?

you might. . .
but then again, you just might not

so i'll just watch you
soar and fall with
the wind on your back
and when you are too far away
for me to catch a glimpse
i'll slowly walk the other way
i'll bid farewell. . .

i never knew solitude
could taste so sweet
that being only
with myself and no one else
could be as fulfilling
and being alone does
not automatically equate
to being terribly lonely

i've just done battle
with enormous demons
been taunted, haunted
baited, prodded,
fought with everything i had,
everything i knew,
bled till i could bleed no more,
argued till i was hoarse,
stood my ground while
beeing pushed, shoved aside

now i just feel too spent

and so i rest my head
in a while my heart would follow
its beating would eventually slow
until it is almost inaudible. . .

i probably won't stay here forever
i could never sit still for very long
but for now the quiet soothes me,
i'll just let her drown me in her comforting song

my tears have dried out

the path they have flowed

very gently on is no

longer noticeable

not a trace of the bitter

drops that have been

my constant companion,

i have bid farewell

to the dull ache

that had always been

present when my mind

strays to you

the need that i had

to be always with you,

the wanting, the longing,

the craving, the mind numbing

urge to be as close

to you, as one with you

i seem to have lost

i would like to think

that i am cured of you,

that i have had

my fill of you,

that i am done

struggling to get to you

and i have finally given up

on the thought that someday. . .

i may have,

gone full circle,

i might be,

stronger than i was before,

i'm sure that i could

now look you in the eye

and say it's over,

that i'm over

the heartbreak, the disappointment,

the anger, the confusion

i could. . .

i should. . .

maybe one of these days i would. . .

clock is ticking
slowly inching
is she running out of it?
red, screaming
a patchwork splashed
across a once spotless wall
i close my eyes
and my nose is burning
fresh scent of charcoal
and the lingering smell
of burning sulfur
did she catch a whiff of that
just before she
was swallowed by darkness?

the table where she
always worked,
looks untouched, neat,
like she always kept it
no clutter, nothing out of place
save for a starched note
blotched where her tears
probably had fallen
all it said was "sorry"
she could have written
a gazillion words
and i still would have never
understood why
never will understand how

she was always the strong one

now i watch her bleeding
broken, the life in her fleeing
she is so cold
just like the barrell on her temple
so still. . .

can we wake up now?

i am in love
with the idea of you
i love the illusion
i created of you
i crave what
you represent
unattainable, untouched
focused, determined
unswayable, impenetrable
i could bleed in front of you
and you won't even flinch
i could write
a million lines
and dedicate each word to you
and you won't be moved
i won't stir you,
i can't rattle you
i can look at you
and stare you down
for as long as i can
and you won't bow down to me
won't even nod your head
to acknowledge me
you are as proud
as i am too meek
in your over powering presence

to you i am not a knight,
you are not in distress. . .

i love that i don't influence you
i love that you are the
exact opposite of me
i am inlove with the thought
that although i am complete
you balance me,

i am whole without you,
but with you i can take
on the world,
it better be ready when i do

you sometimes make
me so mad that i
want to just wring your neck,
or slap you senseless
smother you with
a pillow perhaps
maybe shake you till
you cry uncle
beat you till
you surrender
shout at you,
make you cry
do anything
to make you as
mad as you are making me

you make me
grit my teeth
pull at my hair
in frustration
see red,
feel worn out

and when i'm almost over the edge. . .

you smile. . .
as if enjoying
my display of struggle
you naughty little minx
i'll get you for this,
you better believe i will. . .

i hate you. . .

i hate your eyes
they pierce me
i hate your lips
they tempt me
i hate your words
they make me believe
feed me with
thoughts that
should never cross my mind
i hate your skin
it makes me wanna
crawl and stay underneath it
i hate your smile
it makes me think
of sunshine
i hate your scent
it makes me shiver
it makes me long
for warm summer nights
heated, passionate
your fingers caress me
as if i am yours

i hate that you are not mine

but what i hate most
is that i don't,
i can't. . .
hate you

a tiny film
silvery, a contrast
to the pitch black,
gloomy, still, night
i watch you float
like a ghost
haunting, hovering
just a step above me
the gentle wind
carries you away
until you are out of reach
i am so tempted
to touch, just a snippet
but if i do
it will just hasten
your impending getaway
so i just watch
as you gloriously dance
are you bidding
goodbye to me?
i hope not
my eyelids flutter
they shut for a moment
and when i opened
them again
you are lost. . .

i take another drag
trying to recapture
you and your frailty
but wait, were you
ever hooked?
did i, for a little while,
ever captivate you,
intrigue you,
catch your fancy?

i fill my lungs,
take in as much as i can
but i am only able to
hold my breath for so long
then i have to let
you quickly escape,
feel every bit of you
rushing out of me
allowing me to
welcome fresher air
will it cleanse me?
i doubt it,
i'm addicted, to you
and your elusiveness

it's getting colder now
the chilly mist
seeping through my bones
i long for you to
surround me once more,
i crave your warmth
but i am alone now
i don't think you are
coming back, no matter
how many cigarettes
i try to light up

suddenly i feel so tired. . .

i tried my hand
at playing with fire
and all i got
was smoke in my eyes

you walk right
in front of me
nonchalantly, obliviously
not a care in the world
totally unconscious
of what you do to me
each step you take
feels like a ritual
a dance, a seduction
aimed at me
you flip your hair
and i struggle
to hold myself back
your lips curl,
an innocent smile
but i could swear
i felt a jab,
pure physical pain

and i know you never
meant to torture me
your intentions are not
to unnerve me
it's just every
single thing you do
cries out to me
tempts me, rouses me
each sound you make
tantalizes my senses
send them to overdrive

i wish i could bottle you up
and consume you in small doses
you are lethal,
you will probably be
the death of me. . .

but then again,
i'd probably die smiling
isn't that sweet?
(hahahahaha)

subtle. . .
like a whisper,
a ghost of a smile,
a feathery kiss
on my still wet cheek
a light tap
on my overly stiff shoulder
a half wave
tiny, careful, steps
an absent-minded glance
then like a wisp
of light, airy, smoke
you are gone

i wasn't even
able to raise
an arm in protest
or eke out a
yelp, a cry, a shout
to try and stop
your parting
i was left there
standing in your wake
not even a hint
not even a slight warning

and i know you tried
to stay as long
as you possibly can,
i know you tried
to leave as
quietly, silently

and yeah,
you almost succeeded,
everything is still
the only sound
is the slow
breaking of my
tired, tired, heart

i look at you
behind misty glasses,
i watch the dewy drops
hurry down, bumping each
other in the process
like fat teardrops
dripping, fast, faster
then slows down as
they reach the bottom
knowing there's nothing there
to catch each lonely drop
from my angle, you look
a bit tinier than you
really are, less intimidating,
less threathening, almost normal
like i could reach out my hand
and you'll take it
like i could touch you
and not get burned
as if i could tell you anything
and the words won't get
thrown back at me,
you look relaxed, laid back
i should say something now. . .

i lift my glass
a small salute to you
and your perfection,
the amber fluid, frosty,
cools me, dampening my parched lips,
pouring on my dry throat
exciting, refreshing
i should say something now. . .

i smiled at you
my speech prepared
but you were looking the other way,
ahhh, here he comes,
i would have given anything
to see your eyes light up
as it did when he walked in,

and there i remained seated,
watching you move towards him,
as i wipe away
the liquor's bitterness
from my mouth

probably her eyes,
i've never seen it, not shining
even when she's tired,
or pissed, or not sober,
always animated,
i am afraid to look deeper
i could get lost in them
and never find my way back
or maybe it is her quiet strength
she looks so fragile, so breakable
like anyone could sway her,
ask her to do their bidding
and she will follow,
but she's not frail, far from it
she has a mind of her own
her determination is astounding
she knows what she wants
and she goes for it, i envy that
she fascinates me,
in a way no else has
intriguing, captivating
i am the queen of glib
but she still manages
to have me at a loss for words,
not an easy task
she speaks and everyone
takes notice,
ah, when she smiles
the world sits and gazes in awe

i sometimes watch her
when she's not looking
desperate to unlock
the mysteries she has
bubbling just under the surface
but i'm not allowed to
so i just look on

what makes her so special?
hmmmmm, what the hell doesn't?

had i known
i won't see you again
i would've held you
a little tighter
i would've tried
to memorize your face
locked into memory
your haunting scent
i would've tried
to drown in your taste
have my fill
so i won't forget

had i known
that tomorrow
when i wake, you
would no longer be there
i wouldn't have slept
i would've sat at your feet
and slowly wept
i would've watched
you as you rested
counted the sighs,
how many smiles
you made as you dreamt

you never said goodbye,
i didn't even have
the chance to ask you why
or maybe how,
you could just walk away
so fast, without a trace
i just felt a sudden chill
as you loosened your embrace

you are gone now,
never to be heard from,
ever again

cat got your tongue?
you have been awfully quiet,
absolutely still
like moving would
rock your all too
perfect world and
blow it into smithereens
if you tilt
a little to the left
you think you'd fall over?
you won't, you know?
just breathe in,
exhale softly
stay composed, calm

heart pounding,
ringing in your ears
did i catch you off guard?
you didn't think
i would say it?
didn't know i could
finally do it?
yeah, me too
i thought i'd just
hold it in, leave
everything untouched
i was ready to just
stay silent, stay hidden

i just said
i adore you,
am slowly falling,
can't keep from reeling
called your bluff
a little too soon
i might add
did i shock you?
that's the plan

now what?
i really don't know
but i'm loving the
confusion in your eyes
you don't know what'll happen next?
me neither. . .
now we're even,
isn't that great?
(hehehehe)

will "we" happen,
or am i again
just wasting precious time?
am i placing my bet
on the wrong thing again,
shall i wager
and ultimately lose again?
i am so tired
of putting everything on the line
for something so fragile,
for someone so indefinite,
are you certain now?
are you even ever sure?

i can rant all i want
i can say i am too used up
i could even tell you
i wanna quit,
i wanna walk away from you,
just cut my loses, and go
i can say all that
but you and i know. . .

i am a gambler,
i am addicted, more
to the risk than to winning
however high the odds
are stacked up against me
i'd bet on you,
i will always do

We were never meant to be lovers,
We just mirrored each others self-destructiveness. . .

when i look at you
i see myself. . .
we share a need
to feed each others greed
i look meek
but we both know
that behind all
the quiet and sometimes
blind acceptance
i am as bad as you are
as cruel, as capable of lies
as self indulgent
i am better at pretense
i am much worse
because i hide behind
a sweet, innocent facade
everyone thinks
that i am much deeper,
i have more to offer
but we both know
inside i'm an empty shell
i can be as unfeeling
as a heart
frozen, buried in ice

i am nothing
not extraordinary,
not charmed
i am cursed,
destined to mimic,
unoriginal, unspecial

i know you see that,
run fast, i'll just break you. . .
and i might even do it intentionally

will you take
a walk with me?
try to see the
view through my
heavy lidded eyes
look at the ocean,
you see vastness,
greatness, strength
i see emptiness,
chaos, uncertainty,
will the tides lift me
or will they crash down
on me, drown me, carry
me into nothingness?
look up, do you see the moon?
you say you admire it
its mystery awes you
i say it saddens me
a solitary figure
amid an endless sky
you envy the moon
i symphatize with her
you held my hand tighter
it's getting darker
it terrifies you
i welcome the shadows
as if they are
my good friends
they allow me to hide
behind their cloak
they embrace me,
keep me safe, tucked
in the hollow of
their bossom, i can rest

take a walk with me
that you may begin
to understand how i think
see what i see,
feel what i feel,
dig deeper,
look closer
it scares me. . .

but i have to know,
if you knew who i am,
all of me,
will you still say you love me?

tangled sheets,
a sea of wrinkled
clothing, discarded
was i in too much hurry?
did i fail to very
slowly savor your
smooth, smooth skin?
i remember how i framed
your lips with my own
carefully, methodically,
enjoying every angle,
every crevice of your
all too sweet mouth
your silken hair
falls on your face
i felt you sigh
it made my knees weak
are you trembling?
it's okay dear,
i've got you
you can let go
i'll catch you
then we'll rise again

we are inexplicably
intertwined, i blend
with you, you move
in the rythym i thought
i'd forgotten
open your eyes, love
you wouldn't want to miss this
ride the waves with me
we'll crash together
in one splendid burst. . .

you are smiling,
did i do that?
your chest heaves
as the amber tip
of the cigarette we lit
flickers, surrounding you
in a glowing halo
you look like an angel
whose wing just got
a little scorched
as she flew too close to sin

you said, let's take it slow
i said, baby, don't go
i caught your arm
held it against me
i don't wanna let go of your warmth
you struggled to pull
away from me
and walked very slowly
as if waiting for me
to stop you from fleeing
to clearly call out
your name, form the words
in my mouth, they are trembling
with tears left unshed
i wanna run to you
talk some sense into you
debate with you
haggle if i must
plead my case
please just stay
i don't want you to walk away

but you don't hear me
do you?
you can't see me
and my heart rupturing
i am bleeding
but i still smile
i have to smile
so it will be easier
for you to get on
with the path you have chosen
one that no longer includes me

we have been through this
over and over
we break and mend each
others mangled pieces
but not this time

this time it's goodbye right?
this time it's for good,
whatever the hell that means
it's over. . .
and all i can do
is very quietly shatter

sometimes i still ache,
days like these i can't make
myself look the other way
keep the the cruel memories at bay
they are unrelenting
each one unforgiving
i thought i had them buried
inside a chest closed
so tightly, that even air cannot escape
but by some magic,
(or is it curse?)
they have managed
to very slowly free themselves
of the chains i had
wrapped around them
they still haunt me
mock me mercilessly
till all i hear
are echoes of them
bouncing off the walls
of my empty, empty heart

when will it stop huh?
when i am too tired
to even breathe?
well guess what, i am
too spent, too drained
make it stop
please let them stop

there are so many things
i'd like to ask you,
too many details
i still don't know about you
when you raise your left brow
what does that mean?
when you squint
are you just relaxing your eyes
or are you debating
whether to hug me or slap me?
when i cause you to sigh
is it in relief
or do i exasperate you?
i dont mean to anger you
but there's just something
about making you mad
that kinda excites me
no i don't enjoy torturing you,
i just like it that i can get
a rise out of you
makes me feel as though
i could get under your skin

there's too much
i need to find out
too many smiles
i have yet to document
i haven't even begun
to scratch the surface
but i will,
in time i'll get to you
consider yourself warned

did you feel my absence?
did you detect my reticence?
did you sense that i have
been slowly , painfully
feeding the gap that has
increasingly widened between us?
it hasn't been easy,
every step back
feels like a deep gash
added to the multitude
of wounds i have accumulated
each time i look away
is another memory
erased, wiped away
never to be visited again
for fear of rehashing
broken dreams, shattered promises
i had such high hopes. . .

but they were just that,
hopes,
it had been nipped
even before it had blossomed
wings clipped
even before it could
take off, fly, soar,

did you even notice
that we failed miserably?
i doubt it,
i doubt you even cared

life is too short
to spend it dreaming,
hoping for something
you knew all the while
will never be yours
it is too fragile
to waste drunken
with endless what if's
and what could've been's
to focus on the past
and disregard the present
do not be too short sighted
to overlook the obvious,
it is but lovely
to bathe in the glow
of the simple things
than to chase the complicated,
than to run after
what's so out of reach
you'll grow too tired
to even enjoy
what has always been in front of you

i am known for being too careful,
for once i am tempted
to be reckless,
throw caution to the wind,
cease the moment
that it may linger
and not just pass by me,
i am so tired
of watching in the sidelines
quietly looking on
as i patiently await my turn,
for my name to finally be called,
it won't, not if i just stay right here

so i'm moving forward,
walking away from all
that have hindered me
leaving behind what i always
thought i needed, wanted
i have to. . .

life is too fleeting
to waste away wishing

i said you were
out of my league
i knew i was in
way over my head
you are a force
to be reckoned with
and i have the affinity
to be fascinated
with lost causes
i always want to reach
though i know that
you are so far beyond me
i can't stop the longing
to touch what's so untouchable
the yearning burns
and twists me
inside out

i have to make it stop. . .

or i will be consumed
torched down till
i am no longer recognizable
stretched as far as
i could possibly go
bent out of shape
the fight, taken out of me
i should stop this,
before the magnanimity of you
run me over the edge
sending me spinning down,
down, further down. . .

but how do you end
something that never
even really began?

in a few hours, i'll be
in paradise, maybe
in a place where
the sun always shines
where time flies
as fast as you want it to
you can lie in the sand
and bask in the warmth
let it wipe away
the frost in your heart
let the waves
allow you to sway
and ride every peak
the quiet, lulls you to sleep,
invites you to dream
lures you to wish. . .

if you had said yes to me
we both would be
lying on the beach
you'd take my hand maybe
we could walk,
or we could just
sit near the dunes
you could lean your head
on my shoulder,
and we'll watch as
the world pass us by
carefree, untouched, invincible

but you didn't

in a few hours i'll leave
but i don't think i'll find bliss
the sun would still shine
but instead of feeling warmth
it will scorch my skin
blistering, sweltering
the silence would not
be welcoming,
it would instead be deafening
the waves would carry me
into oblivion and not calm me
my one wish has left me
i won't even think
of dreaming once again

the bit of paradise
that i seek
is with you, my love
and since you won't have me,
the one thing i wanted
the most,
i am lost. .

i wish i could
close my eyes
so i won't see,
your pained expression,
the longing, the wanting
i never meant
to make you feel trapped
i thought if i gave you
all that i had,
everything i could possibly offer
i would be enough
but i'm not, am i?
you think i don't sense it?
your wandering look,
you shivered just now,
i don't blame you
we have indeed gone cold
no more burning flame,
that threatened to consume us
the sparks that flew
each time we touched
are mere ashes
doused, bit by bit
was it neglect?
did i forget at some point
to remind you how i loved you?
was it boredom?
have i grown dull, dear?
they say opposites attract,
but after the dust settles
is it possible that
they would also repel?
lose the enchantment,
the fascination, just die
a slow, soundless death?

i used to know
every sound you make,
every smile, every nuance
i don't recognize the one
you just threw my way,
was it meant for me?
i miss you, love,
i pine for you
even when you are here,
beside me, you are so distant

can we go home now?
so i can shake you,
shout at you,
make you bleed,
just to get even
a slight reaction,
you never left,
but i don't feel you here

yes, you hold my hand. . .
but do i still hold your heart?

close your eyes,
imagine me next to you
we did brush,
yeah, i felt you shiver
did you feel me tremble?
lean a bit more
so you could breathe me in
the scent you used to love,
does it still have
the same effect on you?
are you tempted?
do i make your skin crawl?
did i succeed in leaving
traces of me everywhere you turn to?
i whispered in your ear,
did you hear me lament
on how much i and
my lonely bed miss you?
how my arms feel all too cold
without you wrapped in them?
we used to be able
to make believe the world doesn't exist
i should've known
it would be easier for you
to pretend that i don't

our secret smiles,
my lips miss
your delicate fingertips
i feel a slight taste
of bile in my tongue,
the bitterness claims me,
makes me feel nauseous
i used to make you wild,
i was sin personified
do you regret everything
we ever did, ever said, ever thought about?

i walk past you
i am fervently wishing
you'd reach out
stop me from fleeing
one word from you
and i would've stopped
but i know you can't. . .

not when she's still holding your hand

if i close my eyes
i can almost feel
your skin brush mine
did you feel me shiver?
if i lean a little more
i would catch your
all too familiar scent
the one that made
me light headed
a mixture of temptation,
heat thrown with
a hint of danger
i can still smell you
in my sheets
my towel, my shirt
did you just whisper in my ear?
the sound brings
memories i long to forget
of me lying in your arms
safely, tucked away from the
rest of the world
waking up still enclosed
in your warmth
you missed me?
i'm trying not to miss you too. . .

your knowing smile,
those lips i have traced
with my fingertips
i can still taste
a bit of your sweetness
in my tongue
lingering, wrapping me in guilt
you were my one vice

you walk right past me
i almost reached out
to touch you
but i know i can't. . .

not when she's still holding my hand

the graceful way
you walk towards me,
measured strides
lithe, careful,
like a gazelle, on the prowl
mischief dancing in
your lovely eyes
you are thinking of
another clever way
to get back at me aren't ya?
the endless banters
your quiet confidence
each epic battle of wits

this is me, delirious (hahaha)

but seriously,
i do miss you
and your infectious grin
your quirkiness,
ok, fine, they say you are cute,
(although i wouldn't call you that)
and yeah, charming too
albeit, very, very, subtle (hahaha)
in a somewhat strange way
i look forward to your hi's
you have grown on me,
(kinda like a weed, who never quit)
but without a word from you,
my day just ain't complete

(naks, hahahahaha, just tell me if you hate this ok? i won't remove it, i'll just make the font bigger)

to anya

you'll be a heartbreaker. . .

soft eyes shining
with pure innocence
mirroring my awe,
so filled with wonder
looking at the world
as if ready to explore,
ready to take on
anything and everything,
still fearless, defiant

such tiny fingers,
but you have me
wrapped up in them
you grip my hand
like you grip my heart

so small, so fragile
yet everyone takes notice
even with the slightest stir,
the tiniest of movements
a little tyrant,
you have us all,
at your beck and call

i wanna tell you
i won't let anyone harm you,
i wanna say we'll all take care of you,
but you are out
to take the world
and watch it fall
flat on your feet. . .

go break hearts little darling,
we'll watch

tell me your secrets
i'll keep them
as if they were mine
hide them from
judging, prying eyes
bury them in my skin
seal my lips,
bare your soul
say them all
your deepest fears,
each unshed tear
the loneliness that creeps
and makes you silently weep
everything that makes
you ache
show me, that i may take
all of them in
tell me of your sins
don't leave anything out
wipe the taste
of bitterness from your mouth

i love you,
i love everything about you that hurts

one of these days,
i'll hear your voice
and i won't flinch
i'll see something
that would remind me of you
and i'll just smile
a little wistfully,
i'll think of you
and i won't wince
now, i might feel
a slight ache
i might fight hard
to keep the tears
from freely flowing,
it won't be easy
to keep pain from showing
but one of these days
i promise you
i could. . .

i won't cower
at the sight of you
when we cross paths
i will look straight at you
when i speak your name
i won't falter

one very ordinary day
i will wake up and
i will find out i have moved on
my heart will no longer beat
in tune with yours

i shouldn't get used to this
to you being there,
you, kinda showing you care
the illusion that maybe
i'm as important as you are making me
feel, hear, see
i know i'm not,
so don't let me think that i could be
more than what i am
to you right now
i might believe it
and when i'm hooked
you'll just disappear again
move on to another
more appealing, more interesting prey
someone who knows
the brand of game
you so effortlessly play
someone who knows how to stop
when you say it's over
and walk away, with no second glance

do not let me
get used to this
do be kind and start
running the other way, please

i wish i knew you then,
when i was still young
and a little too ignorant
when i still looked at the world
with rose colored glasses
and i still believed
in happy endings,
happily ever after
i knew no surrender
when giving up was never my option
when i was willing to bleed
for a chance to keep holding on
when every bruise, i treated as badge
when i never kept any grudge
when every word whispered
i took as truth
i was too innocent. . .

i would've gone ahead and loved you then

but i know better now,
i think
i am much wiser now,
i hope
i know when to quit,
when to back down,
when not to believe,
yeah right

then why am i still struggling
to not lose myself in you?

my head. . .
don't,
she'll just break you
she'll squeeze you
and she won't stop
until she has your final drop
she will bend you
pull you left
then push you right
lift you high
then she'll let go of you
and watch you bleed
stare at you as you very gingerly
try to get up
and when you do
she'll walk all over you again
and she'll do all these
so innocently, so candidly
that you won't even think
she's to blame, she's at fault
she's out of your league,
just let it go. . .

my heart. . .
she can't break you,
you can take it
just hang in there
she is worth it
it might not be as easy
as you would've liked
but wouldn't it be sweeter
if you had to go through all the struggle?
you don't have to bend you know,
you can just sway, just go with the flow
see where it leads you,
be adventurous, don't be too cautious
life is fleeting
better grab what you could
and hope it's enough
she might be the one. . .

what to do?

i don't know.
i'm as conflicted as
i have ever been
the battle continues
i think i'll just watch,
but i'm rooting for my heart

another dead end,
another no in the offing
i am bracing myself
for yet another disappointment,
another heartbreak
i am about to take
another plunge, not into the unknown,
i know exactly how it will end
a leap to nothingness,
i know there won't be
any arms outstretched
to receive me,
no warm body that
might cushion my fall,
no reassuring voice
urging me to continue
moving towards her
no light at the end
of the proverbial tunnel
just, a blank wall
a huge impenetrable barrier
blocking me from ever
reaching you

then why jump in?

it's not like i can stop,
it's not like i have control
i am resigned to the fact
that it is indeed inevitable
all i can do is prepare
for the downfall,
my downfall. . .

and hope i'll still survive,
not unscathed, probably broken
but my resilience is phenomenal. . .
i'll see you at the edge, love
wait for me

it is but bittersweet
that all we get now
are moments stringed
together like garlands
of unscented flowers,
petals slowly dropping
one by one,
i try to catch
and hold them in the
palm of my bruised hand
hoping the soft,
innocent blades will
somehow soothe me
hoping that i could
keep each one firmly
tucked and planted
on my consciousness
wishing that i could,
if not stop,
atleast, slow down
their wilting

i am trying,
but everyday they
keep on falling
i count what's left
and i don't see much

soon there'll be nothing left
of the perfect little
blooms that have marked
your coming and eventually leaving
soon i'll lose
everything that i have ever had
of you. . .

if i could stop time,
from carefully erasing your memory
i would. . .
but i don't think i should

sometimes i forget
where i'm supposed
to be standing at
a few paces away
just enough to be
able to look and not touch
just to catch
a whiff of you
it's not quite enough
but i have to take
all that i can
all i'm allowed to

you are right
in front of me
but if i try to
move even an inch
in an attempt to
maybe hold you
you'll vanish
i struggle everyday
to keep myself at bay,
to not rush to you,
to wait right where i am

and i know. . .
you will never bridge
the gap that
glaringly widens faster
with each passing minute

i will lose another one
won't i?
but like everytime,
all i can do is watch

could you please take my hand?
let our fingers intertwine
till i can't even tell
where mine ends and yours begin
could you please let me
rest my head on your shoulder?
smooth and delicate, yet it holds my world steady
would you please gently
whisper in my ears
say it will be alright
even if it's just
a lie said in desperation
i need to hear it,
i need to believe it
now is not the time for bluntness
i know my place
i just need to elude
myself a bit more
feed me more mirages
i know they are illusions
but tonight i want to
think that they could come true. . .

deceive me. . .
as hard as you can
please delude me
play with my urge
to hang on to every word
maybe then you'd begin
to believe the madness
i'm currently addicted to

in the stillness,
in the space between
sleeping and waking,
when shadows are starting
to be chased by
early morning light,
when the cold is
replaced by the crisp,
air of breaking dawn,
pitch black gives way
to orange, and pink
and every other hue
that signals a new day
in the place where
dreaming ends and
reality begins. . .

i love you here

time stops.
for a very short while,
i could pretend
that this won't end,
i could hope that
i may be able to remain
in this moment,
however chaste
however sudden the switching
of moods, from poignant
to forgotten,
i was alone with you
and you were almost mine. . .

i love what i cannot have

to mims

of roses thrown as confetti
and lace sewn on flowing dresses
candles lit, a sign of hope
flickering, erasing darkness
hands clasped, a strong fort
ready to do battle with
future's uncertainty
a quiet prayer uttered in unison
giving strength to the vows
exchanged with bowed heads

there will be tears
shed in silent wonder
in awe of the magnitude
one simple gathering could bring forth
there will be gentle smiles,
intimate glances passed between you two
laughter will fill everyone's heart
eyes misty, anticipating
long years spent together
hearts pounding, but one look
wipes any doubts
calms every fear
you are finally home

i hope this works for you
with all i have
i wish you forever,
something i never had (hahahaha)
and if. . .
when, the wind ever comes
to blow your light away
i'll try to be there
chase it till everything's great again
you have my word

if i could have
someone i could call mine
i wish it would be you
then everything will be fine
if i could hold
anyone's hand in mine
i hope it would be yours
then everything will be fine
if i could share a kiss
i'm praying it'll be
your lips
and lock someone in a sweet embrace
it would be you and your grace
if i should wake in the light of day
wouldn't it be lovely
if i could see your face
open up my eyes
and breathe your air before i rise

it would be perfect
you would be perfect

i'm done with subtlety
i'm through with pretext
if i could have one wish
it is to be with you like this

i love mind games
i love that i don't know
what's going on in your head
and you are guessing
what i must be thinking
when every move i make
creates confusion
and every word you say
are just illusions
when both of us are wondering
what every gesture means
am i laughing
because i am pleased,
or are my smiles
dripping in sarcasm?
is that a frown i see
or are you plotting
your next assault?
was that a sigh of contentment,
or was that a sound
of disappointment?
am i getting to your nerves,
are you as affected,
or is it just me?

have i forged ahead,
or am i still following your lead?
are you nearing surrender
or haven't i even
scratched the surface?
am i beginning to
see right through you
or are you still covered with layers
of doubt, mistrust, defenses?
are you starting to open up?
will you ever open up?

i'm still enjoying
the uncertainty,
the recklessnes,
the insanity
the elaborate schemes
the play on words
the battle of wits
will i lose yet again?
we'll see, love,
we'll see

i inch closer
you stand your ground
i move in a bit
you stay where you are
it's okay, i'll take it slow
there's no rush,love
we'll bid our time
i just need you
to be there
i just want you
to not float away
i'll be steady
don't you worry
one step at a time
there's no hurry
you can just wait
for me to reach you
i'll be there in a moment
i'll come and get you

when you least
expect it
i'll swoop down
fill your head with
my scent
crawl under your skin
bother you, leave you undone
send your senses into overdrive
till all you can see,
all you can feel,
all that you breathe
is me
all you'll hear is my voice
all you can utter is my name
i'll leave you drunken
yet wanting more
my taste will linger
on your lips
you'll be in such daze,
you'll never know what hit you

when you are ready, honey,
i'll come get you
for now i'll just let
you think you're still safe,
wear your guard down,
i'll be as patient as i can,
in a little while love,
in a little while

you know how much
i hate leaving
how much i detest
bidding farewell
how much i avoid
having to say goodbye
if i had one fear
that keeps me awake
all night
it is the thought
of walking away,
trying to forget,
accepting that i am
indeed forgotten

i said i would
try and move on
i promised i'd never
look back
i'll just trudge forward
make you a part
of my past
never allow myself
to indulge in your memory
it would be better that way
it would be easier, you say
and i tried,
oh how i tried

i apologize
that sometimes my thoughts
still stray to you
that on some days
i still find myself
waiting for you by my doorstep
that on occasion i stay very silent
trying to listen to your voice,
hoping that the wind
might in some way carry it to me
i am terribly sorry
that i sometimes close my eyes
and imagine your smile
i still go over the conversations
we had and remember how
i used to laugh
how i used to make you
mad on purpose
how i loved arguing,
then making up

everything's different now
and i swore i'll never go back
but some days i can't help but wish
i never let you go
that i'm still allowed
to hold on to you
that i never said goodbye. . .

little drops trapped
on the window pane
each one racing
like tears falling
successively, without
urging, as if they
have a mind of their own
they drip incoherently
the sound lulls me
lures me to sleep
pitter, patter, steadily
without any sign
of slowing down
or stopping anytime soon

the cold reaches me
seeps through my skin
embraces my bones
flows through my veins
turns my blood to ice
slows down my heartbeat
numbs me
my breath frozen
but i can't look away
it amazes me
how cold it could get

it flushes away
the dust, the pain, the debris
the grass gets greener
the ocean bluer
the earth feels reborn
it sweeps away
the past, the memories
everything is new again
no trace of yesterday

i love the rain
as it washes
the old away
like a new morn leaves
no room for the one
that has passed
it has always soothed me
as i eagerly wait
for the rainbow that
always follows, a sign
of fragile hope

the rain always
made me smile. . .

but not today

do not stand
too close to me
and think that
you can reach
out and touch me
do not breathe in
my suffocating air
do not look at me
as if i am different
do not think of me
as one of the good ones
do not make the
mistake of thinking
that i am here
to stay
i could leave
in a snap and
never look back

i could pretend
that i am so into you,
that you are special,
second to none
i could make you feel
loved, treasured, cherished
like i won't be able
to live if you left
like i would be shattered
at the thought of losing you
like i am capable
of bleeding, my heart breaking
my words will caress
you, feed you
i can create an illusion,
a world where you
are the center
make you believe
that everyting revolves
around you
then in an instant
wake you up and make you see
that really, you are just
one of so many

i am cruel
i am unfeeling
i could play you
i could confuse you
i am cold hearted
i am invincible
no one can touch me
nobody influences me
i can be alone
and i will be alright. . .

this is who i wish to be
then maybe, just maybe,
i won't suffer as much

what do you do
when people fail you?
when every single
promise has been broken
do you just lie
there drunken?
in a stupor, attempting
to rid your thoughts
of the stupidity
that had you believing,
trusting, every word
uttered, every line
written
when each door
you knock on remains
firmly closed
do you keep on rapping?
thinking someone on the
other side would someday
be eager to open one portal
a small crack
that might allow you
to breathe

who do you blame
when everything falls apart?
when nothing right comes
your way
do you point at your heart?
for being too weak,
too trusting
for feeling too much
for thinking too little
for giving a damn
for caring, for being too brittle
for bruising too easily
for wanting too eagerly
for failing to remember
that there is no such
thing as forever

i could only
blame me
i never listened
never looked at
the signs
never minded all
the warnings
i was too arrogant
or maybe just too

foolish, to think

that i could put my

faith into someone

too fickle, too undefined

it' s true what they say. . .

play with fire and yeah

you will get burned

deep dark sea
would you come for me
take me away
from all my misery
engulf me
in your mystery
would you let me play
just within your
lovely shores
let the waves
catch me, roll over me
wash some of my pain away
would you allow me
to be a small child
and build my castles
right within your borders
surround them with forts
higher than me
i know you'll come
and shatter them again
no matter how sturdy
the walls i put up
in one swift motion
you'll wipe them all out,
let me start over
create another haven
that you'll flatten
as soon as i look away

would you spare me
a glance at your sunset
so that i could watch
the vibrant colors
as you swallow the light
and usher the darkness
so that i would always remember
that you are greater
than me and my endless dreaming,
even mister sun
is no match for you

deep dark sea
would you come for me
cover me with your
tranquility
remind me that
you are vast
and i am tiny
never let me forget
that you are not
my friend
if i blink you would
let your tides rip me
you are not an ally
you are my enemy

just a fool to believe i have anything she needs. . .


she's like the wind. . .
blowing me in
all directions
scattering my dust
leaving me in awe
of her deceptions
in the onset she
is like the
gentlest breeze
stirring my senses
captivating me
letting me think
i could hold her
in my arms
i close my eyes
and hear her whisper
i feel her brush my
shoulder, my cheek,
my lashes, flutter
i am mellow, she is
calming me

then all of a sudden
her mood shifted
the soft melodic breeze
has turned into
such vengeful gust
i have to hold on
for dear life
or i'll get blown
into her cyclone
or taken away
like a dried leaf
floating into the
unknown
only to fall
with a soundless thud
as she drifts away
in search of another
scene where she can
unleash her quiet chaos
another person to unhinge


boundless
her strength limitless
i watch her move. . .

i'll stay right here
i'll try to grow my roots
so when, if, she blows my way again
i'm ready, she won't own me

wish i could float away. . . in to some other day. . .

i have been staring at the computer screen for, i guess 4 days now. i can't seem to find words to help create something meaningful, inspiring (hahahahahaha), witty, the right words to string together that i may be able to summarize 29 years of existence. . . it took me 4 long days, all i could come up with is . . .

disappointing. . .

all those years there was one constant in my life. i have tried avoiding it, have coached myself into not expecting too much, not wishing too hard, not trusting too fast. i have failed in all respects. you see, i used to think that people are basically good, that stripped down to the bare essentials i'll find everyone's heart is pure. i would blame circumstances, i would point at the unfairness of life, but i never blamed anyone, no one is capable of pure hatred, or pure wrath, or cruelty, yeah, and pigs fly.

i have this unfortunate habit of thinking that i could wish for the impossible and it would, in time come true. i am admittedly a dreamer, an optimist who would think that everything i planned would fall in place if i just worked at it and waited. and how i waited, for my time, my moment to arrive. i am still waiting, optimism is a hard habit to break, i would be able to kick smoking faster than i would be able to quit hoping, i am sure of that now.

i keep expecting. i see more into little things than what is really meant to be seen. if you give me a sliver, i'll think you are willing to give me everything. if you dangle a tiny bait in front of me i'd go for it hook, line and sinker. tell me i look okay and i'd think i'm a queen, say that you'll try and i'll expect you to come through for me, pretend that you like me and i'll mistake it for love.

i am not an idiot, although i am definitely stupid sometimes. it took me 29 years to realize that not just because someone lets me see a glimpse of them, they are automatically mine. it took me 348 months to understand that not everyone has your best intentions in mind. it took me 1,508 weeks to figure out that if you open yourself up, life swallows you whole. it has taken me more than 10,585 days to finally believe that yes, everyone does lie.

sometimes i wish i could leave, disappear for a while. . .

jennifer love hewitt said it best. when everything is going the other direction, when you can't seem to get a break going your way, you might begin to wish that somehow you could skip a day, a week, a month, or maybe an entire year. life has a way of magnifying every single disappointment, every let down, you sit in a little corner and you suddenly see your life chronicled infront of you. funny how the bit of good times you had flashes all too quickly, and every heartbreak passes like they were cutting through thick mollasses, painfully slow, ever so lingering.

i wanna rest a bit, escape, run away. but not today, next year, maybe?

i can't even
look at you now
when i do i break
into a million
tiny little pieces
of insecurity,
of doubt, self loathing
guilt, i question my worth
i am not confident
in the first place,
i sink deeper in
your looming presence
you are too good
for me
i am a nobody
as ordinary as
anyone else
it's like reaching
for the moon
in the light of day
beyond impossible

and i know that
it's not done on purpose
it's just you,
you are so overwhelming
a delicate rose
would seem imperfect,
the sunset
loses its colors
the sea
loses its splendor
every masterpiece
becomes mere doodlings
a ballad, mere ramblings
when compared to you

and it's not your fault
you are totally unaware
how you have made
me feel so little
so incompetent
a mortal full of flaws
unworthy
every small smile
every slight glance
given my way
are like droplets
of cold water,
or morsels of
a scrumptious meal
to a famished, scorched being

and i know that
i should stay
as far away as
my feet could carry me
so that i won't be
swallowed by your
dazzling brilliance. . .

that i may try and begin
to shine my dull light

how do you want
to be remembered?
when everything's
said and done
would you want
people to think
you were brilliant
that your brain is
equivalent to that
of five people
that you found
a cure for cancer
or that you ended
world hunger?

or would you
like to be thought of
as an artist?
a deep thinker
you are comparable
to michaelangelo
or mozart, or maybe shakespeare

would you rather
people think
you were beautiful
that you inspired
poetry and prose
people looked at you
and they start to
hum, or write, or draw
people swoon or drool
or stare in awe
at the perfection
that you are

or would you like
them to cherish
your kind heart?
that you were loyal
and faithful
and ever present?
that you never said no
you never let go
never harmed a soul
smiled at everyone
made so many friends
you can't remember 'em all

would it be better
if you were remembered
as someone who loved
too much, too hard
selfless to a fault
you were always last
on your own list
you'd rather get hurt
than inflict pain
just a tiny bit more
and you'd be one
of the saints. . .

how would you want
to be remembered?

me, i'd be glad if
anybody even noticed
that i left

i'm sorry. . .
for a while there
i forgot
that you and i
were done
over, we've had enough
we have moved on
to a somewhat better place
you have slipped away
and all i could
do was watch
the hello's are
somewhat shallow now
an automatic reply
to the never ending hi's
gone were the days
when we couldn't
even bring ourselves
to think of saying bye
now it's lucky if
we can even wave
and smile

it's not the same eh?
will it ever be the same?
do you really think
that we could ever
get past all the bitterness,
all the disappointments,
all the hopes that
were crushed
as we gently bid
farewell?

i am not supposed
to miss you anymore
i am not supposed
to want you even more
you are not mine
you never were
and as i lay
in silent slumber
i know, you never
will be mine

disappointment
has its way
of creeping up to me
when i least
expect it to
just when i thought
everything is sunny
fine and dandy
it surprises me
with gray clouds
and devastating winds
destroying everything
in its path
leaving nothing
but havoc in its wake
one minute i am alright
i can breathe
i could even smile
it wipes the grin
and leaves me
with a smirk
a bruise, a mark
that makes me
shudder, wince
in agony

i'm an eternal hopeful
i see the best
in people's eyes
never minding that
i would get shattered
that way

i should've counted on it,
for fate to shove
me into yet another
let down
it always has
it never fails
to drown me in
such sweet misery
i am tired
of constantly
believing that
something better
will eventually come my way
that a lovely soul
would come and
wrap me in her
warm embrace

i should open
my lidded eyes
i should, for once
start to realize
that maybe, if i never
hope, never trust
then i won't have
to ever feel resentment
that i would never
feel the urge
to break down

yeah, right
i should just stay
here in the shadows
and maybe if i'm lucky
the bleeding would stop
in time to still save me

black, as the raven
long, luscious tresses
i wish i could
run my fingers
through them, feel each strand
smooth, delicate,
if i could just
plant a kiss
just below your
lovely neck
skin like satin
glowing, refined
i long to trace
every curve,
every line
the gentle sway
of those hips
has me mesmerized
your scent fills my head
makes me think
of spring, of a lazy
afternoon spent
daydreaming

every nuance,
when you bite
your lower lip,
when you play
with your hair,
your girlish
chuckle
your soft voice
the sweet innocence
that you epitomize

i could stare
at you all day
and not get bored
i could memorize
your face, your moves
your enticing smile
i could. . .

but i wouldn't
i shouldn't
i mustn't. . .

what excites me?

the scent of a
lovely rose as
it starts to blossom
the early morning
light, dawn, the
first blush of morn
the smell of rain
as it gently kisses
the ground
making everything
fresh, unspoiled
panoramic
the tide pushing
itself to the shore
taking away the
imprints on the
course sand
an innocent child
starting to open
its eyes to stare
at its first taste
of light
a fragile heart
as it beats again
after a long
hiatus
to be in a long
state of comma
then to suddenly
start to feel again
a lost soul
finding a tiny sign
that points to the
long awaited way out

you. . .
excite me
and you are not
even doing anything yet

and that's what
scares the hell out of me

i'm not asking
for forever
i know it won't come
i'm not waiting
for answers
i know you won't
say anything
you won't ask me
to stop
you won't say
please give up
i won't hear
any of these

i'm not
hoping that you'll
someday walk alongside me
i can't
imagine that on
a clear night
you'll want to watch
the stars with me
i shouldn't
wish one day
you'll wake and
want just me

i can dream. . .
but sooner or later
i have to wake up
and the reality is
though you are
so close that i
can just reach out
and touch your hand
and every strand
of air i breathe
is the same as
the one you are
breathing as well
if i move you'll
vanish

like the smoke
coming out of
the cigarette i hold
i inhale your scent
and in one long
exhale, you are
blown away
the wind will carry
you too far for me
to follow

i'll take you in
just as long as
i still can
let your haunting
charm, take me away
and when it's time
to say farewell
i'll just glance once. . .

like fine sand
that i grasp so
tightly, the tiny beads
of you slip ever
so swiftly
till all that's left
are my hands
all bare again

for my little sis, who's not so little anymore (hahahahahaha)

just let me be
if you can't love me
please set me free
do not reach out
if you have no
intention of holding
on to me
don't keep my
hopes up
just to crush it
later on
don't tell me things
i might believe
just to take them
all away again
as soon as you
feel like it
i am not a game
you can start
and stop whenever
you feel the urge
to play

i'm getting tired
of this endless cycle
of running to
and away from you
we can't move forward
and we shouldn't look back
so why don't we just
stay where we are
safely tucked away
in our own little corners?

in a different time
we might meet again
on a very ordinary day
we might brush up again
maybe then, we'd have
better luck
but right now, i guess
we should have to stop
and this time
we should mean it
for both our sakes

to erica, for her olive (hahahahahaha)

mine. . .

just when i thought
my time was over
i've had my share
of tears, pain
my heart broken
countless times
i was ready to give up
on love and everything
it offered
without warning
you came to me
and brought with you

a promise of new
beginnings, a better day
something i could
hold on to
a new meaning
to my darkness
you shone your light
i thank you for that
you give me love
without thought, without effort
i only hope that
in my own little way
i've shown how
much i adore you

you have my heart
in the palm of your hands
do with it what you like
it's yours to keep
just as your heart
is mine, mine
all mine

i am trying
my darnest
to play by
the rules that
you set
following whatever
protocol imposed on me
i have to play
it cool, act ever
so nonchalantly
you don't like it
if i move too close
you might bolt suddenly
if i press too hard
if i show too much
if i react too soon

i should learn how
to bid my time
chill out, relax
wait for you to
come to me
in your own sweet time
wait until you find
the courage to
take another chance

okay, i'll be here
and when you feel
the urge to be daring
i'll just be close, dear

no matter how
far or how long
i keep running
no matter where
i try to go
into hiding
whatever i tell
myself there's
just no denying
i will never be
free of you
or your memory
you will always be
probably the best
part of me

i was always
pretty good at pretense
i could ignore
people until i get
so used to it
they stop existing
in my world
i could fill my head
with random thoughts
make myself busy
until there is no
more room left
for anyone else
to occupy
i could tune people out
i could rid myself
of every little thing
that would remind me
of the person
i am trying to forget

it has always worked
my strategy, always
saved me
but not this time,
not with you
not without
killing me too. . .

i miss you
when i swore i wouldn't,
not anymore

waiting..
hoping for another glance
trying to turn away,
while resisting the urge
to look back.

i know i couldn't
you told me i shouldn't
ask you to not go
you can never stay

you can never give me
enough rain
enough smile
enough time
to believe what i feel

and i could never
give you enough
sunshine
enough space
enough time
to trust what you feel

so where do we go from here?

i could lie
and tell you
i've moved on
but i cannot pretend
that i wont flinch
at every gesture,
every move,
every smile
that you are
slowly giving
to everyone but me.

would you wince
should you see me
start to regard you
as just a part of my history
if i begin to open
another chapter of my story
with the lead different
this time
would you falter?

can i, please, not answer
can i, just like before
glide, move
and let you be?

for my little sis:

i was a master
of averting disaster
i was equipped
with super sensors
i could catch a lie
from a mile away
i prided myself
in being able
to look people in the eye
and read their
thoughts, their intentions
any hidden agenda
i could pry them out
with a skill honed
from countless bouts
with pretenders, posers
those who were out
to wring my emotions
until i'm all dried up
nothing left
not even a drop
i was so careful
so cautious,
my moves so calculated

but you
and your words dipped in honey
you tempted me
with your arms outstretched

you made me
for a second, think
that you could catch me,
that you won't allow me
to touch the ground. . .

good thing, i forgot how to trust
long before you ever came

shall i consider
it a curse
that i always
get attracted to
people who are
too far out
of my league?
that i always
try to touch
everyone who has
a neon sign that
says off limits?
that i shy away
from people
within my reach
and look ahead
to those who are
running towards the
other direction?
why am i so intent
to fight for
what most would tag
lost causes?
do i have a death wish
of some sort?
complications have a
way of fascinating me
just as soon as it
becomes impossible
i try harder

something in my brain
must have short circuited
or like someone said
i may be a sucker for pain

but simple is just
not as thrilling
not as satisfying

do you notice my pattern?

here i am again
trying to justify
why i'm starting to
defy what should be
and begin to believe in
what might be. . .

tsk, i never learn, do i?

you smiled at
me again today
that crooked smile
that makes my
pulse race
i said something,
you thought it was funny
i didn't even hear
myself speak
my heartbeat is
deafening
then you flashed
that familiar grin
told you that would
probably be my undoing
you take my breath
without meaning to
with your slightest
movement, when you
tuck your hair behind your ear,
when you straighten your shirt,
when you self consciously
smoothen the imaginary
crease on your pants,
you have me entranced

if only you knew
what you so
unintentionally do to me. . .

you are very slowly
starting to become
a part of my every day
shall i make myself
a part of yours too?

in a little while, maybe